Is it ever “ok” to have an affair?

[SparklingSpaceMonkey]

Long story short, married (10+ years) with two young kids, 10 year age gap with husband. Life is hard around work and children ( both children have special needs)
Relationships with husband has become more like a friendship, he can no longer have sex due to medical reasons, meds haven’t worked and he’s more than reluctant to investigate further. No intimacy at all for over a year.

I love my husband and don’t want to break our family apart but at the same time feel i will burst if I don’t get some intimacy from somewhere, desperately need to feel desired/attractive, alive etc

May possible have an opportunity for something outside my marriage….

Is that ever ok or the right thing to do?

Sorry for the slightly blunt info but this is incredibly hard to share- please don’t suggest chatting to husband about this as I’ve tried and it gets us nowhere, just causes lots of tears and upset

Thank you

@FairyliquidBottle Do you wish to talk about the other vows or only those ones

I'm in a similar situation to you OP although I don't love my husband anymore and I'm pretty sure he doesn't love me. I've been having an affair for quite a few months now. I'm not leaving because of the kids and the finances. I was really very miserable before. I am not now. It's far more pleasant at home, and I cope because I'm appreciated and adored elsewhere. I have no feelings of guilt whatsoever. I will though, leave when the time is right.

If it was a man who had started this thread, I somehow think some of the responses would be rather different!

Cant see a man putting up with an older woman putting him in a virtual chastity belt so less likely

Sex has never been a priority or a need for me, I'd rather have a nice cup of tea and a biscuit, I understand it's very very important to other people though.

The key word is 'cheating' imo.

You should end the relationship or discuss an open relationship.

Now you need to think along the ripples that will form from your actions.

End the relationship - split up - try to find a casual hook up - hope it goes well etc. then figure out what impact it'll have on kids.

Move to open relationship - try to find a casual hook up - genital health checks - impact on relationship - OH ends up Resenting the situation - impact on the home and family life - OH gets better and starts sleeping around too.

Lots to think about for the sake of an hour of moist face pulling and grunting.

And this is why people in this kind of situation cant speak up in RL because belittling and shame is used as a silencing tactic. THIS is how people who arent into intimacy closeness and sex see it. They see it as in out in out They see it as purely functional. So cant understand people who dont

Absolutely this. If he rejects this entirely then there are unfixable problems (as it’s fully within his capabilities)

Lots to think about for the sake of an hour of moist face pulling and grunting.

That is a very sad description @KissTheRains

Oh and women are always told "you knew what you were getting into" whether its agreeing to be a step parent or dating an older man.

Men are seldom told "well you knew what you were getting into" when they date younger women.

@AffaireverNC

Maybe.

Maybe...

But is the action of sex really worth the amount people will risk to get it?

Blowing up lives sneaking around behind people's backs. Making arseholes of people they're supposedly in Partnership with.

I don't think so.

Do you think he wont be horrified when he finds out of your affair?
Put your big girl pants and tell him.

@KissTheRains i found your description factual and hilarious 😂how very apt! I think i'll have a cup of tea, too thanks!

Then to be kind here;you need to re-evaluate your marriage.

Would you and most importantly he be willing to seek counselling with a sex therapist?

My DH and I have both experienced issues (individually at different times) which has resulted in the loss of some sexual function so we've had to find other ways of being intimate with each other.

Oh he's done a good job of making himself an arsehole without my help.

And yes it is worth it and not only for the sexy face pulling and grunting.

My view is very simple. If you are choosing to have an affair then you are stealing basic human rights from your partner, which feels abusive emotionally and sexually.

If you’re still having sex then you’re stealing their right to informed sexual consent. I understand this is not the case here.

But by having an affair you’re also acknowledging that they would not be ok with opening up your marriage. By not giving them the right to full disclosure you’re robbing them of their personal agency. Their right to make decisions about their lives with full disclosure of the truth.

If they are aware enough to be caused pain by your actions on finding out then you should not have an affair.

In this case your choices are

• talk to him, suggest couples counselling, sex counselling whatever and try and rebuild
• if he doesn’t respond tell him you’ll be making moves to separate if you can’t find a solution (that may include opening up the marriage for you with a fwb this would be done with his full consent and that is why it’s different to an affair)
• leave him and work to coparenting as successfully as possible, there are plenty of couples who create all sorts of parenting arrangements where they’re both fully involved especially when they get on so well

I really feel for you, it sounds horrendous but having an affair is not the immediate answer here.

Before leaping into affairs, you need to actually discuss this with him. You can be intimate without PIV sex, there are other things he could be doing with/for you. The fact he isn’t offering intimacy of any kind is selfish.

It's not 'ok' but in the situation you've described it would be completely understandable. You're way too young to give up on sex altogether.

Your dh isn't getting help because he doesn't think you'll actually do anything - ie leave or cheat. He's happy for you to muddle along being unfulfilled and unhappy. I would suggest a very Frank discussion about how bad things actually are. If nothing changes you will have some decisions to make.

It's ok ppl saying 'leave' but when there are kids, finances, platonic love it's not so straightforward.

I feel you OP. We've not had sex for 5 years as DH can't get an erection. I've brought viagra, he won't take it. He did get an erection once around 6 Months ago and chose to wank himself off rather than have sex
He says he loves me v much.

I feel unattractive and unwanted. He refuses to talk about his ED. Sex is never mentioned now. I cannot live never having sex again
No idea what to do

I think what's key here isn't your DH's health issues, but the fact he isn't willing to make any effort to find solutions or improve things. Despite knowing how unhappy it makes you.

You feel unattractive and unwanted because of your DH's actions; because of his unwillingness to put any effort into making things better.

In your shoes, I'd have one last conversation with him. Spell out (again?) that you love him. You want to be with him. But you feel unattractive and unloved because you have no intimacy. It doesn't have to involve an erect penis (I think many men think that the penis is the centre of the sex experience, when in fact it's an optional extra and much fun can be had without it). Ask him what he's going to do to improve the situation so that you feel loved and wanted.

If the answer is nothing. Or if he makes promises and doesn't stick to them - you have your answer. Which is that he isn't willing to make any effort to save your marriage and make you happy. In which case, you can divorce knowing you did all you could to save your marriage.

Oh @KissTheRains honestly. You prefer a cup of tea to sex - fine. If you genuinely think that there is nothing in your life that is intimately part of what makes you you, that brings all your senses alive, that leaves you afterwards feeling an extreme relaxation and wellbeing, that deprivation of which would be a huge loss to your sense of self, that would leave you longing for it in a very deep way, then I'm afraid I feel very sorry for you. That's how sex is for a lot of people.

Everything is relative. In your circumstances though I'd advise against it.

There's too much risk. You talk about an affair and describe a 'possibility'. Sounds like someone in mind. You say you want to feel desired. If that happens there's a very real risk that the subsequent hormone rush combined with the headiness of feeling wanted will make you feel either 'in love' with your affair partner or a deep dissatisfaction with your marriage. Neither bodes well for your relationship with your DH.

I would have a long, hard think about what the marriage brings you and whether sex is so important to you, you are prepared to leave it. Your DH may be able to make you feel wanted and loved in other, non sexual ways and that might be enough. He could also be prepared to do more about his issues if he realises what's at stake. Either way he needs to be included in the conversation.

I guess the key thing here is you don’t enjoy or have sex. For the OP and most people this intimacy is incredibly important and valued.

I don’t think you can avoid a discussion OP. Consider counselling for yourself to examine your own feelings and find a way to speak with your H, but no intimacy at all sounds very lonely.

It's not fair on him, but the situation isn't fair on you either. You need to talk to him and make your decision.

Not okay to cheat, no. But it’s also not okay for him to bury his head in the sand and not do everything possible to fix things due to embarrassment. There are many things he could try to make you still feel wanted even if he can’t get an erection. Have a really honest chat with him telling him how much you are impacted by this, and give him a choice to try working on it, or end the relationship and find somebody who can make you feel wanted.