AITA for being offended at my Christmas present?

[Dunnope]

I have birth in late October. It was a complicated, traumatic delivery that I am still recovering from. I am on The waiting list to receive physiotherapist for my knee, lower back and pelvis. I was complaining to the midwifery teams that I could still feel something ‘up there’ for 2 months post partum and I was ignored, only to be admitted to a&e before Christmas to find out I was 100% correct and have them remove retained products of conception. I am suffering uriniary and fecal incontinence and maternal anxiety. All of which I am receiving treatment for.

before Christmas I was speaking to my husband and said ‘I feel really low, I’ve put on weight in this pregnancy. I’d like to be out running but I don’t know with all of these physical issues when I’ll be able to do that or even if I’ll ever be able to do that again’.

for Christmas, he bought me running shoes.

now I know why he’s done it-he’s heard ‘I’d like to go running again’. He has not heard or noticed that I can’t. I am ohyisocally unable and this is the cause of great upset and distress.

since Christmas he bags me every day to try on my running shoes and tells me he will look after the baby so I can go for a run.

he’s trying to do the right thing. He thinks (and is trying to be) a good husband. But this total invalidation of what I’m going though and pressure to do something which I am not capable of doing fills me with anxiety and makes me feel sad and empty,

we’re both so tired and trying so hard (it’s our first) that we’re both sensitive and easily offended at the minute. I know he’s tried but it really hurts. What do I do/say?

I suspect it’s done with love and he’s just being a tit.

What do you say when he asks you to try them on? Have you told him that you can’t run?

That's incredibly thoughtless of him. Does he think "you could if you tried"? Have you explained clearly just how serious your health problems are?

I think you’re right. He just heard the ‘want to go running but can’t’ bit. Perhaps he’s in some denial?

I don’t think some men really get what happens to some of us when we have a baby. I had a permanent injury with DD2 which has limited what I can do physically. DH is a nice man and caring but he did keep on asking me to shift wardrobes and stuff with him until my Dad shouted at him! I had told him what the consultant said on more than one occasion but I don’t know whether people think this stuff just clears up or whatever. I also can’t tell you how often women glibly tell me to ‘do more kegels ‘ when I explain I can’t deadlift or sprint unless I want to experience some interesting consequences.

It’s hard to imagine that someone so close to you - and presumably you’re intimate with, I don’t mean sex necessarily, but with whom you share a bed and bathroom, has missed that you’re currently incontinent. And since you’re not long out of surgery and awaiting physio, it’s weird he can’t put two and two together between your ongoing health challenges and the damage running would do.

However, you know him best and you don’t seem to believe the gift choice to be borne out of malice - or even wilful ignorance? - so maybe he does need where you’re at right now health-wise to be explained like it’s all new information? Literally, ‘I can’t do x because of y.’ I appreciate that’s upsetting and demoralising but he’s obviously not got it yet.

Perhaps suggest the shoes can wait and give him some ideas on how he can find another way to support you in whatever you can safely do right now?

I just keep saying I’ll do it later. I’ve been trying to work out whether to say anything or just keep quiet and be grateful for his efforts. I have told him I can’t run. We had that conversation again today and he said well if you want to be able to, you just have to start. I think he thinks this is the same as ‘being a bit out of shape’.

I would try to say with sadness: The shoes are so nice and I’m dreaming about getting into running again but I’m so sad that I can’t atm ( and a lot of crying by the end)
in reality I would start crying earlier and end up shouting emotionally: Wtf you were thinking getting me running shoes when I struggle with all these issues ?
And then more crying.

I don’t think he did it to offend you, it was clearly a clumsy attempt to get you something you wanted.
Hope you get better soon and make a good use of your running shoes.

Exactly this. We had a conversation about it today and he said if you want to be able to, you just have to make a stat. I think he’s trying to encourage me. But it just fils me full of anxiety.

I feel like a bit of a prick but I feel hard done by that this was a Christmas present. He asked me (on behalf of other people) what I wanted for Christmas and I had said vouchers for a local masseuse. So I’m not sure how he’s thought this, which is the exact opposite was a good idea.

His efforts are fine but they’re misplaced and if you take his advice you might injure yourself. So he really needs to get informed on what you’re facing.

It sounds from your update like he either doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to. I can appreciate that’s upsetting because you need his support and unfortunately what he believes is support, really isn’t.

Is there someone else who can have a word with him and clear up his misapprehension?

You’ve flagged something here that perhaps you hadn’t intended but it’s an jnteresting thought. We’re not shatibg a room at the minute. We’re fortunate enough to have room for the nursery/bedroom to be downstairs out of the way and out bedroom is out of earshot upstairs. I’m sleeping with our boy downstairs with our own bathroom so that he can continue to work and get his sleep and then he xovers for me in the evenings where I get some extr shut eye. There really isn’t any excuse for not noticing. I talk to him about what’s going on for me everyday. But perhaps not seeing it means he’s not registering it

The problem is that you won't 'do it later'. At least not for months. So I think you need to explain why you can't, in very basic language eg "My knees can barely walk until I have some physio treatment" "I wet myself if I stand up quickly" or whatever. Look at the running shoes as something you will hopefully use in the future but don't withhold the details of your injuries from your partner

He is a bit thick like this and I have to get his sister involved sometimes. But I really don’t want to keep doing that and he’s notified when I do, but perhaps that’s enough.x talking to him and saying look, perhaps some other females you’re close to - like your mum or dister could help you understand this so it’s not all coming from me. But then again, why should I need 3rd party validation.

*mortified not notified

Well rather than say you will do it later, tell him that later means after you are physically recovered. Sounds like he is well intentioned but being a bit dim and thinks you are merely procrastinating.

This is a good point. By putting off trying the shoes he’s not registering ‘uh oh there might be a problem here’. He’s just thinking I’ll nag/encourage her some more. Which is making things worse for me and I’m getting more anxious and upset.

Cant you say you will need doctor's clearance before running again?

Explain to him that running is expressly forbidden to you at this point and could further damage your pelvic floor.

I’m sure you know this already, but please don’t try to run just to please him, it can cause you serious long term issues. My physio absolutely banned me from it after birth injuries until my pelvic floor was deemed recovered. She actually even restricted how much walking and standing I could do in the first few weeks because my pelvic floor muscles were so weak.

If he really wanted to give you a helpful gift, he’d he’d have given you a few sessions with a specialist women’s physio.

I’m so sorry you’re suffering by the way. Hang in there, it does get better.

I do wonder sometimes about men, I know it’s 2024 and there are lots of blokes who are great at knowing how female bodies work and totally get the mechanics of childbirth and what happens afterwards and all that but perhaps this is it. He doesn’t see you struggle with the sharp end, so to speak, so is not really having to think about what you’re dealing with. Ergo - he sees your difficulties as being about regaining your fitness rather than a safe recovery. I do know my supposedly very intelligent DH was astounded when I told him he also has a pelvic floor.

Personally I’d be tempted to say ‘cheers for the shoes, but high impact exercise can’t jog my rectum back into working order.’ I can see blunt and crude is not for everyone but that’s basically what it comes down to. No, you shouldn’t need to say it repeatedly, or third party validation, he should use his ears and brain, but he’s getting you down by not listening so he needs it!

I can loan you an old man to shout at him if you like.

seriously, most of the problems in the first year can be solved by just telling your spouse what you really need instead of hinting or hoping. That first year with the baby is the time you learn to be blunt. Kind, but blunt. Marriages are stronger for it.

you need to tell him what is going on, possibly in gruesome detail, pick an alternate activity even if it isn’t exercise, and have him support you with a self-care break like he is trying to do.

He isn't (I assume) a doctor or physio or anyone with relevant qualifications. Part of your discussion with him needs to highlight the fact that him giving you advice he is not qualified to dispense is not supportive and could be downright dangerous for you. Support actually means listening to you and taking in what you are going through and asking how best he can help.

Would you consider showing him this thread? That might be the easiest way to convey your feelings.

Next time he suggests he take the baby while you go out for a run, could you accept the break but do some gentle self care that suits you better? "Great, as you know I'll wet myself if I run, but I might go and do stretching/have a long soak and a face mask/nap. See you in an hour."

You have numerous medical conditions which prohibit this at the moment. I don’t understand why your husband doesn’t know this as surely it effects your day to day life, you need more physical and emotional support at a distressing time?

if for some reason you’ve covered this up then don’t. Be honest. Next time you see some one medical ask about running. Then relay that advice to him. Eg not yet, need medical sign off.

if he pushes after that say ‘ what part of my medical condition are you not understanding. You are being extremely insensitive highlighting what I can’t do currently whilst I am scared I’ll never do it again’. The shoes might be good for gentle walks.

im sorry this is happening to you. Keep going. Day by day you’ll improve a little.

ps I don’t know why his tiredness would lead to total memory loss of your medical history? He’s either unaware or really not accepting the gravity of the situation and you need to fix that.

I am sorry for your situation.
however, I am wondering since you did not tell him in the 24hrs you opened the present that it upset you and when asked by posters how you respond to him when he suggests you try them on and you are not wanting to upset him - that you have not spelt out the issues to him.
if this is true you are setting him up to fail. Please be completely honest with him he will hopefully provide you with the emotional support you need to get better.
you are going through a lot and yet this long after Christmas you have managed to keep your disappointment in your present from him - I think you need to ask yourself why. Why are you burdening yourself with this she why you are not being completely open with him.
Are you afraid of what he will think if he understands the full truth? Are you afraid to speak out loud your concerns about long term problems? Is your personality to be a people pleaser?
your situation sounds terrible and along with this physical and emotional pain you have a young baby. Please give your husband a chance to be the life partner you choose him to be a have a heart to heart on what is burdening you.
i hope things get better for you soon.

I think you should tell him really really brutally honestly what you're going through. How could he think you can run if you are currently suffering from incontinence and waiting for a physio 🙄. Maybe ask him to return the shoes because they are making you feel shit? With a baby this small sometimes people don't see things very clearly and it sounds as though your OH needs a good shake!

Hope you feel better soon OP it sounds awful what you're going through and you are really in the thick of it all with a 2 month old.

What’s not clear from your posts is whether the full details of your physical problems have been explained to your DH? If not you need to be much more explicit. Also tell him about the emotional damage his poor but well-intentioned gift is causing you, ask him to return the running shoes and get you a more suitable and considered gift.
Now is not the time to be coy, he needs to know and accept how injured you are and how it impacts what you can do. I suspect he may be in denial and the shoes were partly a gift to fulfil his own need to be reassured that you will fully recover soon. He needs to grasp the reality of the situation in order to give you the support needed to heal physically and emotionally.

Tell him to return the shoes and book yourself some physio appointments. I wouldn’t bank on the nhs touching you op. Been there, done that. I pay for my own. I don’t suppose either of you have insurance through work?

I think you need to explain exactly why him pressuring you to run is problematic for you. You suffered an injury from childbirth but he's treating it like you have a moral flaw. So in addition to your injury, which was not your fault, you also have his implicit criticism of your willpower, work ethic, or whatever. That is not supportive to you. It's anti-supportive. It's also arrogant, he's making assumptions about your body that he knows nothing about, and isn't listening you to when you try to tell him what's really happening with you.