AITA for being offended at my Christmas present?

[Dunnope]

I have birth in late October. It was a complicated, traumatic delivery that I am still recovering from. I am on The waiting list to receive physiotherapist for my knee, lower back and pelvis. I was complaining to the midwifery teams that I could still feel something ‘up there’ for 2 months post partum and I was ignored, only to be admitted to a&e before Christmas to find out I was 100% correct and have them remove retained products of conception. I am suffering uriniary and fecal incontinence and maternal anxiety. All of which I am receiving treatment for.

before Christmas I was speaking to my husband and said ‘I feel really low, I’ve put on weight in this pregnancy. I’d like to be out running but I don’t know with all of these physical issues when I’ll be able to do that or even if I’ll ever be able to do that again’.

for Christmas, he bought me running shoes.

now I know why he’s done it-he’s heard ‘I’d like to go running again’. He has not heard or noticed that I can’t. I am ohyisocally unable and this is the cause of great upset and distress.

since Christmas he bags me every day to try on my running shoes and tells me he will look after the baby so I can go for a run.

he’s trying to do the right thing. He thinks (and is trying to be) a good husband. But this total invalidation of what I’m going though and pressure to do something which I am not capable of doing fills me with anxiety and makes me feel sad and empty,

we’re both so tired and trying so hard (it’s our first) that we’re both sensitive and easily offended at the minute. I know he’s tried but it really hurts. What do I do/say?

Agree with all of this. Feel free to DM me as well. I’ve been there and done that.

Oh my goodness, you poor soul. You have been through the wringer! Ignore the shoes for now. Your feet won't grow. They will get used one day. In the meantime, take care of yourself, as much as you can, and gradually educate your dh when you have the time and energy.

Fwiw, my continence was shot to pieces by ds1 too. I had intensive physio which didn't help a lot but made me feel listened to. I still can't run or do any impact exercise but in the end my body did sort itself out For me, walking (lots), swimming and pliates helped me the most but it took a long time.

You are alive! Retained birthing matter could have been really serious. You should start to stress to dh that it's a miracle that you are here and functioning. You have a wonderful new baby who you both need to support whilst your body recovers from the traumatic birth. And you need lots of long baths and tlc.

And if in doubt, show him this thread!

@Dunnope

sorry I haven't read the full thread, only your posts (I'm supposed to have left by now!)

but I'm wondering if you shouldn't throttle him try on the shoes (if you're able physically & your feet aren't swollen) so he can return them if they're not right. Then you can put that behind you.

you NEED to stop saying you'll do it later.

then sit the stupid see down & talk to him properly. Don't be coy, explain in detail the damage the birthing of your child has done, the degree if incontinence & pain & anything else you're suffering with & tell him 'just trying isn't going to work. Ask him how he thinks you can go running, when simply standing up is making you shut yourself (be blunt). Tell him you don't understand how he claims to live you, but is SO disengaged about what you're going through. How lonely it is when he doesn't actually bother to understand

Stop pussy footing around him being utterly hopeless & uncaring right now.

tell him as well as him actually engaging with this you need xyz NOT bloody nagging to go running.

you have to do this or you're going to end up resenting him so much that between you'll you'll end up wanting to divorce.

just get him told!!

im so sorry your bith was very difficult & has left you in this condition & DH is blind to it xx

There's no user "MNHQ" so tagging that does nothing.

You move your posts by pressing "report" and telling them in the text box.

I agree with this. If he still keeps on at you after you spell these things out to him in the clearest terms, then he is an arse. But if you are saying you will go running later, he won't understand that you CAN'T go running. He just thinks you are anxious and need time and encouragement.

,We’re not shatibg a room at the minute. We’re fortunate enough to have room for the nursery/bedroom to be downstairs out of the way and out bedroom is out of earshot upstairs. I’m sleeping with our boy downstairs with our own bathroom so that he can continue to work and get his sleep and then he xovers for me in the evenings where I get some extr shut eye.

Wait, you're so ill you've not long had surgery and you're incontinent but you're both prioriting your husband's sleep? The mind boggles. If I was this ill my husband would be doing everything he could every minute he could to ensure I was rested and baby was cared for. A paltry few hours off duty to sleep when you're clearly very ill is shitbag behaviour. I'm guessing he is unhappy with how you look so is forcing the exercise hand.

Actually i think until you've experienced it it's hard to realise quite how debilitating and demoralising it is

I'm pretty sure anyone (male, female, given birth, not given birth, incontinent or continent) can understand that someone with urinary and faecal incontinence is going to be reluctant to go out for a run.

Yes, I'd go with this

By saying you'll do it later you're allowing him to think you could. Agree with everyone else that you need to spell out why you can't. He wants to believe you could is my guess. And take the time he's offering to do something for you, whatever that is.

He's probably misconstrued "want to go running but can't" as "want to go running but can't as I don't have any running shoes". Either that or he just doesn't understand (or is minimising) your post-partum physical trauma.

You've chosen to be offended by my post. I was offering encouragement.
Well then you are giving mixed signals. Why even mention running then if you can't. I think you unknowingly set him up for a fall.

Exactly this. We had a conversation about it today and he said if you want to be able to, you just have to make a stat. I think he’s trying to encourage me. But it just fils me full of anxiety.

I feel like a bit of a prick but I feel hard done by that this was a Christmas present. He asked me (on behalf of other people) what I wanted for Christmas and I had said vouchers for a local masseuse. So I’m not sure how he’s thought this, which is the exact opposite was a good idea.

That is really poor of him @Dunnope . Ordinarily I'd be all for people making a start but I don't think many women would in your position- it mightn't even be wise. Most people don't until they've got over any urinary incontinence after birth, for a start, they're too self conscious about it (not that they should have to be.)

With your current joint issues it mightn't be the best thing for you. Maybe tell your husband you won't start until the physio tells you it's ok to? If he goes on about it after that then he really is annoying.

Would you feel able to go for some walks? You could use the running shoes probably, they can be really nice for walking.

Private physio etc and pelvic floor help would be good for sure, it'd save you having to wait so long, and give you extra help.

Have you experienced a hard birth?

I had a forceps delivery and I was limping after. She has explained in her op that she can't and why. What are you on about now set who up for a fall. I don't understand what you mean have you ever given birth?

get yourself into swimming if you live near a public pool (or if you can afford it even a day stay at a hotel with a lap pool) as that will help stop muscle wastage while your waiting for physio to get you up & running

I’d ask him to come to your next appointment- and ask the medical professional to give your DH a short explanation of what you are dealing with and the consequences of it for the next year.
Ask for a refund for the shoes and spend the money on a massage.

Also try massage/accupuncture

Come on tell him exactly as it is.
Wear the shoes if you walk around outside.
You need to clarify and show him this thread, yes, as another person suggested.
I would tell him, show him this, and take him to a medical appointment to explain what is going on.
Don't get anti get educating.
You have been thru enough.
Work at some comprehension of what's going on.
What an ordeal you have dealt with.

You need to be brutally explicit with your DH. Tell him your consultant told you you have to take things slowly. You can't run ATM. It hurts you seeing the new shoes knowing you can't wear them.

Why don't you just tell him that you can't run? I don't understand.

It does sound like you walk on eggshells around him, with this and the sleeping on a separate floor as him.

I cannot run. It will not be improved by “trying”. Trying for me will mean I have spiked myself by the end of the drive and/or will do myself permanent damage. I appreciate that you think you are being supportive by buying the shoes and giving me the space to go out but what I need is space to heal.

Soiled not spiked!

This isn't about the shoes. This is about him fundamentally not understanding that the trauma is going to take many, many months to heal, and that there may be permanent consequences. This is about you having been ignored by the medical teams and left with retained membranes, that you are very lucky that this did not kill you. If you are cleaning up after yourself, sleeping separately etc, he probably does not realize the seriousness of things. He probably thinks 'can't' means time/opportunity related and offers to hold the baby, not realizing is it means actually physically 'can't'.

You need to sit him down and have a very frank conversation. You can do it kindly. You can say that you love the idea behind the shoes, but that it is not an option at the moment, that you don't know when or if it ever will be again. That at the moment, even sitting up, walking, whatever else risks incontinence. Spell it out, be graphic. Tell him you would rather he returned the trainers so you don't feel under pressure to do something you physically cannot do and spent the money on something that would be more helpful right now. And that you need him to do more to help with the baby so you can rest and to allow you to do whatever physio or exercises can be done right now to help you recover.

Also, it is only 8/10 weeks since you gave birth. Give yourself more grace as well for the changes in your body. It is still very early days. Even if you cannot run, can you get outside? Get him to drive you somewhere that you can sit and listen to birds, see nature. It is not the same as running, but so restorative just getting outside.

I know where I would shove the shoes! He needs to really listen to you and try and understand and support you, running is not the answer

I hope things get better for you soon op