AITA for being offended at my Christmas present?

[Dunnope]

I have birth in late October. It was a complicated, traumatic delivery that I am still recovering from. I am on The waiting list to receive physiotherapist for my knee, lower back and pelvis. I was complaining to the midwifery teams that I could still feel something ‘up there’ for 2 months post partum and I was ignored, only to be admitted to a&e before Christmas to find out I was 100% correct and have them remove retained products of conception. I am suffering uriniary and fecal incontinence and maternal anxiety. All of which I am receiving treatment for.

before Christmas I was speaking to my husband and said ‘I feel really low, I’ve put on weight in this pregnancy. I’d like to be out running but I don’t know with all of these physical issues when I’ll be able to do that or even if I’ll ever be able to do that again’.

for Christmas, he bought me running shoes.

now I know why he’s done it-he’s heard ‘I’d like to go running again’. He has not heard or noticed that I can’t. I am ohyisocally unable and this is the cause of great upset and distress.

since Christmas he bags me every day to try on my running shoes and tells me he will look after the baby so I can go for a run.

he’s trying to do the right thing. He thinks (and is trying to be) a good husband. But this total invalidation of what I’m going though and pressure to do something which I am not capable of doing fills me with anxiety and makes me feel sad and empty,

we’re both so tired and trying so hard (it’s our first) that we’re both sensitive and easily offended at the minute. I know he’s tried but it really hurts. What do I do/say?

Did you miss the part where the OP told us she's doubly incontinent?

No but it is the hormones of pregnancy. The relaxin releases I. Pregnancy made my joints very ‘wangy’ (already hyper mobile). Lower back and pelvis issues are directly north related (crushed my sciatic nerve in delivery), the knee is only tangentially related to north but still enourmously debilitating.

I don’t know why so many people here have assumed I haven’t mentioned this to my husband. I have. Clearly. He’s been with me to appointments. He’s been present when I’ve voided myself. In answer to anyone’s questions why I haven’t said anything about the shoes to date. 1) we were guests in someone’s else house over Christmas period - I didn’t think having a horrible personal emotional argument/outburst and trashing everyone else’s Christmas was a reasonable thing to do. 2) I am, after many months of explaining myself, telling people what’s wrong and being ignored, I’ve had enough and thought maybe I’d just try and scoot past having one more painful conversation that only serves to underline how very unheard I have been. I also can not, on top of everything else bare the thought of having to handle a relationship flare up on top of managing my health, looking after my child and chasing up/attending the various medical processes. Please will people not assume I’m a pathetic teenager who’s incapable of articulating herself. I have been. Over and over. But what is the point when no one is listening. I’m very much on my own to fix all of this stuff. That much is clear.

While I think that you are very articulate and incredibly frustrated I do wonder if him ‘being a bit thick’ needs it spelling out very simply for him. ‘I will shit myself’ might shut him up.

I feel for you, it really must be like rubbing salt in the wound.

yes @Kittylala i have chosen to be offended by you calling me a victim. It’s seems that you other you or the moderators have also seen for to delete the post - perhaps you thought better of it.

God OP I didn't have anything like the issues you're suffering from and I didn't go for a run until nearly a year after my babies were born. Your body is not your own for a long time afterwards, it's leaking, it's recovering, and it's often feeding a baby 24/7. Dragging myself for a run was last on my list.

My DH did something sort of similar, he got me 10 passes for our local gym after my first baby was born. I think I'd said something about feel fat and yucky and his natural response was 'aha exercise fixes that'. I didn't use any of the passes, I explained I wouldn't manage to but I appreciated the thought behind it. He didn't nag. If he had nagged me daily I'd have been furious.

I think just calmly say to him next time he mentions it 'I will run when I am ready. I don't know when that will be, but it won't be for some time. Please stop mentioning it as it's upsetting me' and stick to that.

Please will people not assume I’m a pathetic teenager who’s incapable of articulating herself. I have been. Over and over. But what is the point when no one is listening.

Fair enough - and I am so sorry you feel the thread has exacerbated not being heard. I think the initial impression you gave was that you didn’t want to upset your husband, and you asked ‘what do I do/say?’ So you got advice as if you had not bluntly told him what’s what.

But if you’ve already tried that then the truth is I don’t know. Do you think he is actually a bit intellectually challenged/not intelligent? Is that why he can’t process what you’re saying? Or is he doing it deliberately? And if so, why?

Have the biggest bunch of flowers . Is there anyone IRL who can come and support you and be a mum/big sister/formidable matriarch figure and read him the riot act firmly but fairly?

If all you've said is the case, he doesn't sound like the best husband OP.

But what have your doctors etc said you should be doing physically? That's all that matters. God willing, the physio will give you ideas about how to help your situation. And sometimes these things just take time I guess.

Thanks for the update, seems like he's just incredibly selfish then.
However please keep in mind you weren't clear with us, so maybe you're not being as clear as you think with him.

It depends wether she means leaking or unable to wait once she has the urge to go because one needs to be continually taken up with doctors & the other is mostly about time allocation & staying within safe distances of toilets (can also be helped with certain foods while waiting for further treatment)

& yes swimming is 100% recommended for people who have struggled with injurys or weight related pain & all pools have public bathrooms including disability spaces & even times to attend for people with additional needs

@Dunnope, sorry this thread has upset you more, you're going through a horrible time and I really hope things get better for you.

I think posters on here are struggling to understand how your husband can be quite so dismissive of your pain, and have concluded that maybe you've tried to cover it up and put on a brave face... Since not, I don't think anyone can understand his mindset.

My DS has some learning difficulties, and if I told him "Mum can't run fast because she has tummy problems and will poo her pants", he would understand... so why can't a grown man?

I mean, if it's part of a wider pattern of abusive comments about your weight etc, it would make sense, but you're saying it isn't?

Last ditch thing you could try is getting him to work it out, turn around his questions
"Why aren't you going for a run?"
Well you tell me
"I'll look after the baby, don't worry!"
Can you remember why we went to the consultant last month?
etc

I find if people are led to work something out by themselves they remember it better. I mean, it's appalling that you have to do that, but still

I tend to be less indulgent of men when it comes to things like this.

It’s laziness. He’s CHOSEN to only hear the “I’d like to go running again” part because it means he doesn’t have to think too hard about what to get you.

I’d be saying something like “Dear, did you keep the receipt for the running shoes? As I said before, I can’t really run and won’t be able to for the foreseeable future so it’s a bit of a waste really. Do you want to get a refund and get me something I can use?”

You don’t have to be arsey, just in case he genuinely is a bit hard of thinking. But a present you can’t use is pointless.

I feel bad for the guy tbh. He just heard you expressing a wish to get into running again without thinking too deeply about it and figured new running shoes would be a helpful gift. He isn’t trying to be a prick. If he just bought you the trainers without any prompt and it was almost a hint to lose weight, then it would be a prick thing to do but you expressed the desire and he thought he was doing a kind thing.

Just explain why you can’t run right now and stash the trainers away until you can.

Do you though? Would you feel bad for him if he’d forgotten any other serious life impacting injury? What about depression - if his wife was seriously depressed and he forgot? It’s not cool really. He just hasn’t listened and doesn’t want to put in the energy.

He might not be able to see her and can't see how bad she is. You know when an empty bottle is left and everyone walk past it and can't see it. That's this situation she can say she wants to run no harm at all in saying that but can he see she can't run and does he understand that she will injurer herself more. From what I have read he doesn't sound like the fitness type who understands injuries on a basic level.

Have you ever gone through an assisted birth when it doesn't quiet go to plan and you have been pushing endlessly and nothing? Ignorance is bliss isn't it.

For whatever reason he doesn't understand the seriousness of your injuries

Was he there when you sought medical treatment? Have you told him exactly what's wrong and what needs to happen?

Or is he totally unthinking and uncaring

If it's the first ones, then TELL HIM

If it's the last one then you have to protect yourself and think about your future

Cross post

Does anyone else in your family realise how unthinking and basically unkind he is?

Jesus I don’t know how you have not at the very least yelled at him by now if not actually killed him. Honestly throw the trainers in the bin or give them to charity and tell him to leave you alone to recover at the pace your body needs to recover at. Tell him you will leave if he mentions it again. In fact I would leave for a few days if you can / go and stay with your mum or a friend or something. Give him a fright. This is just an awful way to treat you when you are so vulnerable.