AITA for being offended at my Christmas present?

[Dunnope]

I have birth in late October. It was a complicated, traumatic delivery that I am still recovering from. I am on The waiting list to receive physiotherapist for my knee, lower back and pelvis. I was complaining to the midwifery teams that I could still feel something ‘up there’ for 2 months post partum and I was ignored, only to be admitted to a&e before Christmas to find out I was 100% correct and have them remove retained products of conception. I am suffering uriniary and fecal incontinence and maternal anxiety. All of which I am receiving treatment for.

before Christmas I was speaking to my husband and said ‘I feel really low, I’ve put on weight in this pregnancy. I’d like to be out running but I don’t know with all of these physical issues when I’ll be able to do that or even if I’ll ever be able to do that again’.

for Christmas, he bought me running shoes.

now I know why he’s done it-he’s heard ‘I’d like to go running again’. He has not heard or noticed that I can’t. I am ohyisocally unable and this is the cause of great upset and distress.

since Christmas he bags me every day to try on my running shoes and tells me he will look after the baby so I can go for a run.

he’s trying to do the right thing. He thinks (and is trying to be) a good husband. But this total invalidation of what I’m going though and pressure to do something which I am not capable of doing fills me with anxiety and makes me feel sad and empty,

we’re both so tired and trying so hard (it’s our first) that we’re both sensitive and easily offended at the minute. I know he’s tried but it really hurts. What do I do/say?

You really need to be clear with him about the extent of the damage and how it affects you. You need practical and emotional support from him and at the moment it sounds like you're getting neither - in fact the contrary.

I've just had to tell my partner about the urinary leakage I'm experiencing before I've even given birth and I hated having to do it, but I needed him to understand.

Why doesn't he already know all the physical issues you have? Is he stupid? Why are you staying married to someone with such low levels of comprehension?

I agree with the PP. You have to go into real-life detail so your DH understands everything. Let's face it, in his own little world, he thinks women have babies, get up and go back to life. Men don't really think of what can happen to a woman during or after giving birth, even though it isn't uncommon to have a complication. They also don't always understand what they are told. That I know from experience.

I had surgery several years ago. I had a vaginal hysterectomy, plus a cystocele and rectocele fixed. Now, my DH had gone with me to the appointments and had talked to the doctor along with me several times. He also had to talk to the doctor after the surgery. You want to know what he told his work-mates? He informed them that I got my vagina removed. I mean, really? WTH?

Some men need some things explained to them in details they can understand.

You need to tell him the truth

I would both tell him the truth and ask him to return the running shoes. If he knows about your health then he's being extraordinarily insensitive. If he doesn't then he needs to know

Sorry if I don't understand but why can't you just explain it to him?
When you say "I'll do it later" you are not telling the truth and only confirming to him that he's approach is correct.
Is there a reason why you don't feel like you can communicate openly?

Maybe he just wants to know if the shoes fit or he needs to return them?if you don't want them ask him to return them.

He doesn't sound very deep.

Perhaps then tell him what you do need, because he sounds like he wants to help.

Side note - not sharing a bed is not good for long term intimacy and understanding of each other. Your post on the subject hints that this is bothering you. I suggest perhaps you should look to address it?

I don't understand why your husband doesn't know the exact nature/details of your condition OP? Why can you not just sit down and tell him? Stop 'hinting' and saying you'll 'do it later'! Just talk to him properly 🤷‍♀️

Personally I would have a short but clear conversation about what issues you have and how they physically prevent you from running at the moment. It sounds to me he doesn't truly understand your issues.

Sit him down and tell him (1) what your medical problems are and what you’ve been advised you can’t do yet, and (2) that the shoes are upsetting you very much.

He’s being a bit thick by the sound of it - he would not be the first. How he responds to what you say will tell you whether he couldn’t care less how you feel or whether he’s just not understood properly. Hopefully it’s the latter.

It's kind of stupid of him and I can understand your disappointment.

But I guess he just wants you to feel yourself again and was trying to give you some kind of escape from the everyday.

Sorry for what you're going through. I hope you make a good recovery and can enjoy the running shoes eventually.

I mean I think ops point about her knee and pelvis etc is that it WILL hurt. Literally. And possibly do now damage as she's been exercising it without medical support

Why not go for a brisk walk in them (if possible). I can see why he did it, he meant well

@Kittylala he’d like your response. But you’re completely missing it - you’ve obviously never had an issue like this. I do not need to try running to know it would be an unmitigated failure. I am struggling to sit up in bed, stand up from the sofa, do anything without soiling myself-all of which is not a secret and evident to all. So you’re as mad as him for suggesting I just get on with it and stop being a victim.

I think you need to have a direct conversation with him OP. Don't wait for him to bring up the shoes again, start it yourself - say you appreciate what he was aiming for but it upset you because of your health issues <<be explicitly clear here why!>>

Don't just let it fester. It's already hurting you both - you because you want to run but can't, him because he thinks you're ignoring his gift - so I don't think you're avoiding hurt feelings by having the conversation with him!

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you have been through with birth and after. It's so hard and I think as so many births are fine we don't talk about and recognise the impact of hard ones. I say this as a child free woman, but have friends with difficult experiences.

So i feel this mean that loads of people just don't get it and as a society it's not talked about openly. So your husband isn't getting it properly, which is upsetting as you're literally telling him. While he is coming from a place of care in one sense he's really not listening to you and your needs which is hurtful. It's like he needs to fix this issue for you with the shoes but he's not getting your body is changed dramatically.

Yanbu to be hurt and you need a good talk so you don't feel resentment long term (totally legit).

No fuck off with your “don’t be a victim”. Have you read the thread?

Knee, lower back and pelvis problems that require physiotherapy and uriniary and fecal incontinence and retained product that was only removed in DECEMBER. We are barely in January. How the fuck does any of that sound , firstly, like it’s going to make running an enjoyable experience and secondly, like the OP is a victim

You need to explain him very clearly that you don't go for a run because it is impossible ATM. Some people use the verb can/ can't as a conditional like could etc.

I can't go for a run because I will be falling to the floor in pain and probably I will shit myself if I can make it to the corner shop, is very big Can't. It is not like I can't open this glass jar but I can if I get some grip on the lid with a tea towel.

Explain directly, and clearly, what the impact on your body has been. Talk as if you were telling a close female friend. He doesn't currently have the knowledge or understanding.

I do think it’s a shame that this is necessary, but you have to explain very clearly why you can’t run, including what the pelvic floor is and why it is important. Ideally he should be paying enough attention to what’s happened to work this out for himself but clearly he hasn’t.

” I have had injuries to my body that could become permanent if I don’t look after myself. My pelvic floor has been badly damaged by giving birth, meaning that I can’t control when I pee/poo. Running and lifting put pressure on the pelvic floor so are impossible for now: if I run my pelvic floor won’t heal”

Having read your update, that you are clearly struggling to stand up from the sofa etc, I am a bit staggered that he is encouraging you to go for a run. Why isn’t it obvious that you can’t? I can see why you would have thought you wouldn’t have to spell it out for him

I hear what you say about both feeling fragile and exhausted by new parenthood. It’s a wild ride! Your OP sounds like you are trying to be thoughtful and considerate partners to each other. I don’t think it’s impossible to both validate his effort and explain that you aren’t ready yet. I think it’s vital you are able to articulate to him the extent of double physical + emotional distress.

Something like: I’m grateful that you heard me when I said I wanted to run - but I don’t think I’ve communicated how far away from now that feels to me right now. I feel really sad / anxious / freaked out / intimidated / insert appropriate about the hurdles I have to overcome before I am ready to do that.

and then tell him what he can do to support you. Do you need him to make child free space for post natal Pilates? Accompany you on gentle family walks? Create more intentional rest space?

he sounds like a guy that would like to be helpful. I’d try and give him really clear directions for what that looks like for you.

(and if he keeps asking you about your running shoes after than then you can legitimately be v. Annoyed)

Can you put them on and go for a bit of a walk? It might make you feel that you will be able to run sometime and a bit of fresh air away from the baby might do you good.

Another one who wondering if you DH is a bit thick. Is he this inept in other areas?

I can’t understand why he doesn’t understand your physical ailments if you are struggling to stand and are incontinent.

Sorry you’re dealing with this and having to manage your husbands emotional needs on top of some serious health issues. This shouldn’t be the case obviously.

I’d be extremely upset and tell him exactly why, ie he’s not paying attention/doesn’t care to, and needs to get on board with your recovery in the appropriate way or there is an issue.