AITA for being offended at my Christmas present?

[Dunnope]

I have birth in late October. It was a complicated, traumatic delivery that I am still recovering from. I am on The waiting list to receive physiotherapist for my knee, lower back and pelvis. I was complaining to the midwifery teams that I could still feel something ‘up there’ for 2 months post partum and I was ignored, only to be admitted to a&e before Christmas to find out I was 100% correct and have them remove retained products of conception. I am suffering uriniary and fecal incontinence and maternal anxiety. All of which I am receiving treatment for.

before Christmas I was speaking to my husband and said ‘I feel really low, I’ve put on weight in this pregnancy. I’d like to be out running but I don’t know with all of these physical issues when I’ll be able to do that or even if I’ll ever be able to do that again’.

for Christmas, he bought me running shoes.

now I know why he’s done it-he’s heard ‘I’d like to go running again’. He has not heard or noticed that I can’t. I am ohyisocally unable and this is the cause of great upset and distress.

since Christmas he bags me every day to try on my running shoes and tells me he will look after the baby so I can go for a run.

he’s trying to do the right thing. He thinks (and is trying to be) a good husband. But this total invalidation of what I’m going though and pressure to do something which I am not capable of doing fills me with anxiety and makes me feel sad and empty,

we’re both so tired and trying so hard (it’s our first) that we’re both sensitive and easily offended at the minute. I know he’s tried but it really hurts. What do I do/say?

Show him your thread on here that might get the message through to him. Men just do not get things at times, their thinking can be very black and white.

Have you been really explicit about WHY you can’t run? Have you said

‘I can’t run because I’m currently suffering incontinence from birth trauma. If I try to run I will soil myself. It’s not about willpower or lack of it, and I’m not being lazy. “Just trying to get back out there l” won’t fix this - my body is not currently capable of letting me run. I’m hurt you don’t understand.’

Don’t be afraid to spell it out.

I'm afraid that would make me explode " do I fucking look like I can go for a run you idiot". I've got no time for this kind of stupidity.

@Gettingbysomehow with on this. I couldn’t put up with it either. Gift seem ill thought out at best.

@NoSquirrels Think you’re confusing the husband with the new child, OP has said her I incontinence is no secret, that coupled with the fact she’s just had surgery should give her DH some insight into her current situation. She should have to justify anything right now or explain at that level, her DH lives with her fgs.

Should not rather

Actually, it really really can hurt. Running with a weak pelvic floor can cause a prolapse and life long issues. I was warned of this by my pelvic physio and I know someone it happened to as well.
OP, DO NOT RUN. It will cause further damage to your pelvic floor. I was told to minimise walking and standing at this stage too.
if you can possibly afford it, a couple of sessions with a private women’s physio is the way forward. Or do you have work health insurance? The level of treatment you’ll get on the NHS is unlikely to be enough. Return the shoes and ask him for physio sessions instead.

Thinking positively, I think he's trying to show you that he's "put money on" the fact that life will get back to normal and you will be able to be you again. I don't think it was meant unkindly, he's showing you that it won't always be like this.

However bugging you to do it is NOT ON. Not for a second time when you've said no, let alone daily. And he needs to sympathise with what life is like now, and accept it will be like this for the near future, and buying something practical won't just magically skip forward to that time.

He's honestly a bit simple if he can't work out why going for a run is literally not possible. But, I would encourage baby steps and simply going for a tiny walk when you can and want to. I had a baby in winter with some physical issues - not as severe as yours - and it was easier to stay in. But felt so much better to just pop over the road or walk round the block.

Best of luck

He is being thoughtless and not 'getting it'. But the thing is, it's not really surprising...men have completely different anatomy and they don't experience the discomfort that we do...that feeling that everything could drop out. They're sealed (apart from their bums)! So they don't get that heaviness and the fear and pain. But saying that, you'd hope he could just be sympathetic even if he can't empathise.

I would try on the trainers as requested. Then tell him that you won't be able to use them and that you'd like him to return them. Don't keep them - even if you need to lie and say they don't fit or feel wrong. At this point you need to repeat again how much pain and discomfort you are in and that running would cause you further damage at this point. Can you steer him in the direction of something that you would really like or that you could do? Pilates equipment/clothing for example? Something that would help you?

Ime they just see themselves doing something they deem is nice... Not something actually nice. One Christmas when I was 4 months pregnant dh bought me a bike... We weren't a bike riding family.. And I was expecting dc5.. Not sure when I would have managed to fit a bike ride in.

I agree she shouldn’t justify it - I’m just saying she shouldn’t be afraid to be blunt to spare his feelings. Which appears to be some of the problem - she’s more worried about offending him than saying it like it is.

You can't right now but one day you will be able to, going for a walk in them could be a goal to aim for......tell him to sod off with the pressure tho, you've been incredibly unlucky and will need a lot of time to recover.

What is a good point?
You haven't quoted the person you're replying to.

I’d like to be out running but I don’t know with all of these physical issues when I’ll be able to do that or even if I’ll ever be able to do that again’.

Sounds pretty clear to me!

I am on The waiting list to receive physiotherapist for my knee, lower back and pelvis.

Also this!

Tbh if I already had a serviceable pair of running shoes (& hadn't mentioned wanting them replacing) I'd be pretty pissed off as that as a present anyway!

Actually it probably WILL hurt her and, to add insult to injury, the OP could potentially piss / shit herself while trying. She's suffering from incontinence and is not fully healed.... what a stupid response. Are you the husband?

Dh, you’re not getting it. If you had a badly shattered ankle, would you think it useful, helpful or at all supportive if I said you’re not running because you’re not trying hard enough? I have some equivalently shattered internal muscles in pretty depressing ways. Let me spell it out to you WOMEN WHO STRUGGLE TO GET UP OFF THE SOFA WITHOUT WETTING/SHITTING THEMSELVES CANNOT RUN. It makes me want to cry every time I think about it. Clearly you haven’t bothered to think about it. Thanks for making me feel like shit.

You're not being unreasonable for not going running. Doesn't sound advisable atm at all. But you are both being unreasonable for the lack of communication here. It sounds like he has no idea of the extend of your problems - all he hears is you lamenting your lack of fitness and poor body image and he is trying to encourage you.
Wear the shoes to just walk in. Right now you can't run, but maybe one day you will (or not, who knows - there may be other low impact exercise you can do and at least you will have broken them in). And FGS both of you, get talking.

Try the shoes on. Walk from one room to another and tell him that might be all you ever manage, but at least you tried.

Oh no, what an absolutely tone deaf gift! But to be fair, I don't think I really understood the impact of child birth on a woman's body and how risky high impact exercise could be thereafter until I'd been after it myself. I've had difficult conversations with a number of people who've tried to encourage me to run over the years too. I think you need to be open with your husband and tell him that running is not on the cards for now or likely for the next few years, so you want him to return the running shoes. A much more useful gift would have been a voucher for a Mummy MOT which is an appointment with a physio qualified in womens health who will help you come up with a plan to rebuild your strength. I'm afraid to say that my experience of NHS physio was not great in a similar situation because there's not a lot of physios who specialise in pelvic issues (I think that's a bit of an underpublicised national scandal tbh) so that would be a much better use of resources. I made good progress with a handful of private appointments and online physio led programmes (DM me if you want more info).

You really need to ask @MNHQ to move this

Just tell him for goodness sake, building up resentment because he doesn't have quite the level of emotional intelligence that you do is only hurting yourself.
Communication is the only way to resolve this sorry of thing.

What do I do/say?

I cannot run at the moment due to the number of physical issues I am currently dealing with.

Less than 2 weeks ago you were in A&E, you suffer with incontinence and are in considerable pain (just curious, is the knee issue from the birth?). You had a traumatic delivery only a few months ago.
I am completely baffled as to why he thinks you can run and that the issue is either childcare or motivation.

Get advice from your health visitor on yoga it's a gentle exercise. When you see the physio she/he will be giving you gentle exercises to do daily. Do some research on it it may improve your symptoms. I had a tricky birth my son didn't want to come out I had incontinence and I could just about walk. My abdominals was over stretched. I was referred to a physio.

Ignore your husband men can be fickle and focus on your recovery. You will get better.

men have completely different anatomy and they don't experience the discomfort that we do..

I'm pretty sure men can understand what incontinence feels like.