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Original poster

50/50 agreement is ruining the relationship

121 replies

Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:38

Me and DP have been together 4 years. My DC are a 10+ years older than his, youngest just 5, mine all teens (youngest 14).

He is an awesome father, always there for mine and his DC, as our families came together a bit more I encouraged him to see them more and he jumped at the chance, gradually it increased from one night a week to 2-3 and when we moved in together we discussed him having them 50/50 (actually works out 67% of time). Their mother jumped at the chance to allow him this so no court or anything just a formal agreement written up between the two of them and that’s been the case for about 5 months now.

However, 5 months on, I’m regretting this decision. I didn’t realise how much I had forgotten about the Younger years and how draining life with little kids can be - don’t get me wrong I love them and they are good kids but all the day to day I am not used to anymore, the school runs (we live 11 miles from their school so it’s a long commute twice a day in traffic), the different dinners, the refusal to go to bed, the early mornings, keeping them entertained all weekend, house is always messy.

I work full time DP works part time to accommodate this arrangement and does a lot of the heavy lifting in the house and with all the kids (my teenagers often want a lift to school too rather than walk, he drops off at friends whenever they ask etc).

Plus, we have zero time together. Before the 50/50 of the teenagers were at their dads or with friends we had some time, now we don’t! The 2/3 days a week we don’t have his children, I’m often working or he has to work.

All decisions revolve around small children. We were recently invited to a wedding we decided not to go to because we would have had to leave early due to his DC (he does not have family that would have had them for the night and the mother is very clear that she will not swap nights etc)

Selfishly I’m sick of it. I can’t say anything to DP as he would be heartbroken plus I have 100% custody of my DC, although they do see their dad. But teenagers are (obviously) so much more independent than 5 yr olds.

Im not sure what to do 🙁

OP posts:
withthischoice · 04/01/2024 08:41

nothing you can do. Aside from leave. That’s the long and short of it

Velvian · 04/01/2024 08:41

You've got 50% of the time that they're not there. I think you just need to do a bit of rejigging with work to give you more time together. Maybe go out one evening per week without DP when he has the DC. I think YABU.

Original poster
Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:44

Fully willing to hear I am being unreasonable. I feel awful even thinking like this but needed to vent and get another perspective.

OP posts:
withthischoice · 04/01/2024 08:47

it’s not that you’re unreasonable (although a bit daft to push a parent in to more contact. If they don’t have the motivation themself to do it - then very odd that a new girlfriend inspires them too)

but this is now the situation and very little you can do about it

withthischoice · 04/01/2024 08:47

i don’t imagine your teens are too happy either about sharing their home with much younger children.

lunar1 · 04/01/2024 08:48

He has a 5 year old to parent and everything that goes with it, nothing he can do to change that. You need to make the most of the other 50% of the time.

Caleche · 04/01/2024 08:49

You can’t do anything beyond carve out some time for yourself or leave. There really isn’t any other option

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/01/2024 08:50

Oh dear. It was literally your idea so you can’t even blame anyone else.

It might get easier in time as you get used to it. Could he afford to work pt and have them 50/50 if you split up?

Peoplemakemedespair · 04/01/2024 08:51

That’s the realities of having small children op. I’m sure he finds your teenagers just as annoying as you find his small children, and as you say you only have them half the week. You’ve actively encouraged this situation to happen, now that you’ve got what you originally wanted, you can’t go back and upset him, his children and his ex because you’ve changed your mind

lordloveadog · 04/01/2024 08:51

He's the father of a 5 year old 100% of the time. Half the time he doesn't look after his children. You want him to do even less?

CatherinedeBourgh · 04/01/2024 08:52

5 is a turning point, you are almost out of it.

From 6 onwards their independence comes on in leaps and bounds.

In no time they'll be just as independent as your teens. Hang in there. The days are long, but the years are short.

Original poster
Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:53

lordloveadog · 04/01/2024 08:51

He's the father of a 5 year old 100% of the time. Half the time he doesn't look after his children. You want him to do even less?

So is their mother, a mother 100% but she does even less and agreed to this very agreement swiftly 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:54

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/01/2024 08:50

Oh dear. It was literally your idea so you can’t even blame anyone else.

It might get easier in time as you get used to it. Could he afford to work pt and have them 50/50 if you split up?

Yup, I know.

No he couldn’t, we am fortunate I am in a well paid job and this allows this arrangement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:55

withthischoice · 04/01/2024 08:47

it’s not that you’re unreasonable (although a bit daft to push a parent in to more contact. If they don’t have the motivation themself to do it - then very odd that a new girlfriend inspires them too)

but this is now the situation and very little you can do about it

Yeah I see this, I just see him with them and he honestly is a great dad, and obviously wanted to encourage this.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 04/01/2024 08:56

With some reorganization it could be doable. Perhaps move closer to the school. Or have them one month on one month off rather than weekly. 50/50 is really the least he should be doing.

Original poster
Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:56

Peoplemakemedespair · 04/01/2024 08:51

That’s the realities of having small children op. I’m sure he finds your teenagers just as annoying as you find his small children, and as you say you only have them half the week. You’ve actively encouraged this situation to happen, now that you’ve got what you originally wanted, you can’t go back and upset him, his children and his ex because you’ve changed your mind

Totally get this. The teenagers certainly have their moments. 🫣 But it’s not the same constant as with younger kids, tbh I had forgotten what that was like!

OP posts:
Original poster
Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:57

CatherinedeBourgh · 04/01/2024 08:52

5 is a turning point, you are almost out of it.

From 6 onwards their independence comes on in leaps and bounds.

In no time they'll be just as independent as your teens. Hang in there. The days are long, but the years are short.

Thank you, I know deep down this is the case x

OP posts:
Peoplemakemedespair · 04/01/2024 08:57

Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:53

So is their mother, a mother 100% but she does even less and agreed to this very agreement swiftly 🙄

Show quote history

Are you actually making a dig at the mother here for ‘swiftly agreeing’ that the children spend more time with their father, which YOU were the reason for??

Original poster
Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:59

withthischoice · 04/01/2024 08:47

i don’t imagine your teens are too happy either about sharing their home with much younger children.

They do well tbh, my DD is particularly good with them (Iv been very clear she is not childcare) but she does help and plays with them etc but the other is uninterested really 😕

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 04/01/2024 08:59

I think it's not unreasonable of you to feel like this - a lot of people feel it about kids that are actually biologically their's.

However, life is not perfect sadly. You made your bed and all you can reasonably do is leave if you don't like it. I am not saying that to be harsh or horrible - I have never step-parents young kids and I don't think I could. (my step-kids were more or less adults when I met their dad - it's very different and loads easier).

What you can't do is expect your husband to see his kids less because you want him to. And I wouldn't go criticising the mom either, if I were you. It's not a good look when all she is doing is allowing her co-parent to do a slightly more than equal share if the work (sounds like she did the majority until 5 months ago!)

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/01/2024 08:59

Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:53

So is their mother, a mother 100% but she does even less and agreed to this very agreement swiftly 🙄

Show quote history

Why wouldn’t she? For 4 years of the 5 the youngest’s been alive she had them 6 days a week. He was happy with only having one day till you encouraged him to want more.

If it’s not 50/50 and he has more overnights he can claim maintenance from her. But it’s a bit rich criticising her for being happy to share care more evenly when he was happy with the previous very unequal split for so long.

Were you hoping you’d suggest 50/50 so he’d know you were supportive but that she’d refuse so it wouldn’t have to actually happen?

Original poster
Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 09:00

Peoplemakemedespair · 04/01/2024 08:57

Are you actually making a dig at the mother here for ‘swiftly agreeing’ that the children spend more time with their father, which YOU were the reason for??

Show quote history

this isn’t a dad bashing thread, that’s all.

OP posts:
User13579367337 · 04/01/2024 09:00

Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 08:53

So is their mother, a mother 100% but she does even less and agreed to this very agreement swiftly 🙄

Show quote history

What a twatty thing to say. I’d be willing to place my bets on who did most of the child rearing when they were together, and how long did the mother have the children for the majority until you come along? So it was fine for you oh to only have a bit of contact, but god fucking forbid the mother actually agreeing to have them slightly less

Original poster
Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 09:02

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/01/2024 08:59

Why wouldn’t she? For 4 years of the 5 the youngest’s been alive she had them 6 days a week. He was happy with only having one day till you encouraged him to want more.

If it’s not 50/50 and he has more overnights he can claim maintenance from her. But it’s a bit rich criticising her for being happy to share care more evenly when he was happy with the previous very unequal split for so long.

Were you hoping you’d suggest 50/50 so he’d know you were supportive but that she’d refuse so it wouldn’t have to actually happen?

Show quote history

Absolutely didn’t suggest it so that she refused, that’s ridiculous. I suggested out of good will for the benefit of him and his kids.

again this isn’t a bashing thread, just perspective. Yes he has them 50% (actually it’s more than that) but so does she.

Im a mother myself so not bashing anyone

OP posts:
User13579367337 · 04/01/2024 09:02

Festivalfruit · 04/01/2024 09:00

this isn’t a dad bashing thread, that’s all.

Show quote history

She’s bashing you and your nasty dig at the mum, not the dad. They were apparently happy with the arrangements before you come along. And then you’ve come along and changed them to suit yourself, and now you’re unhappy and making out like she’s a shit mum for letting the children see their dad more, like YOU asked!