50/50 agreement is ruining the relationship

[Festivalfruit]

Me and DP have been together 4 years. My DC are a 10+ years older than his, youngest just 5, mine all teens (youngest 14).

He is an awesome father, always there for mine and his DC, as our families came together a bit more I encouraged him to see them more and he jumped at the chance, gradually it increased from one night a week to 2-3 and when we moved in together we discussed him having them 50/50 (actually works out 67% of time). Their mother jumped at the chance to allow him this so no court or anything just a formal agreement written up between the two of them and that’s been the case for about 5 months now.

However, 5 months on, I’m regretting this decision. I didn’t realise how much I had forgotten about the Younger years and how draining life with little kids can be - don’t get me wrong I love them and they are good kids but all the day to day I am not used to anymore, the school runs (we live 11 miles from their school so it’s a long commute twice a day in traffic), the different dinners, the refusal to go to bed, the early mornings, keeping them entertained all weekend, house is always messy.

I work full time DP works part time to accommodate this arrangement and does a lot of the heavy lifting in the house and with all the kids (my teenagers often want a lift to school too rather than walk, he drops off at friends whenever they ask etc).

Plus, we have zero time together. Before the 50/50 of the teenagers were at their dads or with friends we had some time, now we don’t! The 2/3 days a week we don’t have his children, I’m often working or he has to work.

All decisions revolve around small children. We were recently invited to a wedding we decided not to go to because we would have had to leave early due to his DC (he does not have family that would have had them for the night and the mother is very clear that she will not swap nights etc)

Selfishly I’m sick of it. I can’t say anything to DP as he would be heartbroken plus I have 100% custody of my DC, although they do see their dad. But teenagers are (obviously) so much more independent than 5 yr olds.

Im not sure what to do 🙁

So is their mother, a mother 100% but she does even less and agreed to this very agreement swiftly 🙄

What are you criticising the mother for? Your partner had to be encouraged by an outsider (you) to take on a more active role in his kids lives

Maybe she was burned out from when he used to palm the kids off on her more than 70% of the time? Did you ever think of that?

I’m afraid he has children and it is what it is! He could have had full custody! I think you need to just accept it. These difficult young parts won’t last forever.

Op, you've got a rough response here!

I've got a 6yr old and 20mth old and at times think "wtf"......the 6yr old is independent until it comes to bedtime and the 20mth old is full on....but she sleeps.... we don't have any couple time as both kids won't settle for anyone, if we want a date we have to book time off work.....my husband also has kids alot older (17,19,21) so he's been here before but with them now they come and go as they please.....the days you don't have the kids you just need to push for time and keep to it

If you are just whinging that life is tough I have sympathy for you, because yes life care be boring, tedious frustrating, tiring and relentless with kids that age. If you are actually asking what you can do about it, that's a question you should have seriously asked before committing yourself to a man with young kids. Now you get on with what you knew you were getting yourself into, or you leave him.

Op I totally get where you are coming for. You tried to do a nice thing without fully realizing the implications for you and your children. As someone who also has older children/teens/young adults i can't think of anything worse than sharing a house/life again with someone who has small children
My advise would be to break up or as him to move out and continue to date and not live together. Your children should matter more to you than his and having to live this life is simply not fair on them, whatever about you

Firstly, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to sit down with him and say it’s been 50:50 or more for 6’months now and I think we should discuss what’s working well and what’s not?

No time together - get a babysitter, or pay your teens. Look after them occasionally so he can work a weekend and you can free him up for a weekend for just the two of you. Even if it’s one at home.

He’s PT and you openly say he does a lot of the heavy lifting. Think about what your life would be like if he were no longer around. Is it just that the kids would have to get the bus more? Really? How much extra headspace have you got to throw yourself into work?

No holiday ? Plan one, with or without him preferably both. A short break just the two of you if your teens can be left at home while the small ones are with their mum, and a family holiday with a kids club for the odd day. I wouldn’t underestimate the value of having younger kids around on your own teens development.

Other halves inflexibility. Trickier. That means openly setting out whether you want to continue with the current arrangement or reduce it and pay her maintenance. It seems odd that she’s gone from having the kids nearly full time to 50:50 and doesn’t see the value in flexibility for big occasions like weddings. What comes around goes around and all that. They don’t sound on great terms. Perhaps discuss a mechanism or notice period where flexibility could be shown?

@TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams
Other halves inflexibility. Trickier. That means openly setting out whether you want to continue with the current arrangement or reduce it and pay her maintenance.

Except if the ex says no then he can't just reduce the current arrangement. People can't force reluctant fathers to take on more childcare, so they can't force reluctant mothers either.

You said yourself it's odd that she's gone from having them full time to this, sounds like she will be very resistant to changing that now. Perhaps she was massively burned out from the previous years when he only seemed to have them one night a week.

If he can’t afford it without your financial support then you two need a chat, because if/when you leave, it will fall through anyway.

presumably this includes consideration of the maintenance he’s saving by going 50/50?

in my opinion, you’re entitled to change your mind. You’re human. “You know what you were getting yourself into” doesn’t work because circumstances are different for everyone.

Thank you for this reply. We have had a chat and he emailed his ex to ask if they can discuss the arrangements. she did agree to an earlier drop on the alternate Sunday we drop about 5, this is moving to 2pm which will mean we get a bit of afternoon. So that’s positive, in return she wants us to pick up another bill but that doesn’t matter too much to us.

sadly in this order

Your boyfriend
His children
you

and then a distant 4th….. your children

I work full time DP works part time to accommodate this arrangement

money you earn that could be channeled towards your children or savings for their future is being spent on supporting your boyfriend to have his young children over more.

You are working full time so less time with your children to accommodate your boyfriend having more time with his children

baffling

@plumberdrain
The way I read that she always worked full time, but the DP went part time.

yes

to accommodate having the children more!!

So the OP effectively subbing him and his children

@plumberdrain
No, the way I read it is that she always worked full time, even before he went part time, he went part time which he was only able to do because the OP is subbing him......but she was already working full time anyway.

yes

but if she wasn’t subbing an adult and two children…. she could presumably make the choice to reduce her hours or continue full time and have more money to spend and : or save on her own children

Right.
But perhaps she never wanted that. Her kids are all teens. Maybe she had the reduced hours when they were younger, and some people enjoy working full time hours.

ok putting that aside

so in that case…. the money. There’s no getting around that

@plumberdrain
Saving as much as possible for the kids is not a huge consideration for everyone though.

Some people will put a happy blended family life above money.

Granted it hasn't become the idealistic family life she hoped it would be but she said he went part time but also does a lot of the heavy lifting in the house and with her kids giving them lifts etc.

His only contribution isn't just part time wages.

If it was the other way round and a woman moved in with a man and went part time, but also did a lot of the heavy lifting in the house and helped him out with his kids then her contribution would be seen as equal to his.

i am a single mother

i would be floored if the Op, as a single
mother, isn’t thinking about savings for further education for her teens or a house deposit and help towards so much in life

@plumberdrain
I am too.

I'm sure she is, but people often don't try to save every penny they have for their kids. Often when single parents blend families some of potential resources that could have went to the children are split with the new blended family.

yes. But in this scenario it is very very heavily weighted in favour of the boyfriend hand his two young children

people often don't try to save every penny they have for their kids

every penny? who said that.

Rather my pennies that are being spent to benefit other children rather than my children. and that, to me, is unfathomable and, by the progression of the thread… the OP is starting to realise too

@plumberdrain
yes. But in this scenario it is very very heavily weighted in favour of the boyfriend handhis two young children

And the OP was the one who appeared to be the driving force in setting up the arrangement.

Rather mypennies that are being spent to benefitother children rather thanmy children. and that, to me, is unfathomable and, by the progression of the thread… the OP is starting to realise too

I don't think the OP cares about the money, just the time and the energy required. She even said in her last update that in exchange for dropping them back earlier one of the days they have to pick up another bill but that doesn't matter too much to them.

And the OP was the one who appeared to be the driving force in setting up the arrangement.

yes and regretting it deeply.

and as i said, I would be floored if the OP “doesn’t care about money”

but hey ho you think differently and that’s… well, fine!