50/50 agreement is ruining the relationship

[Festivalfruit]

Me and DP have been together 4 years. My DC are a 10+ years older than his, youngest just 5, mine all teens (youngest 14).

He is an awesome father, always there for mine and his DC, as our families came together a bit more I encouraged him to see them more and he jumped at the chance, gradually it increased from one night a week to 2-3 and when we moved in together we discussed him having them 50/50 (actually works out 67% of time). Their mother jumped at the chance to allow him this so no court or anything just a formal agreement written up between the two of them and that’s been the case for about 5 months now.

However, 5 months on, I’m regretting this decision. I didn’t realise how much I had forgotten about the Younger years and how draining life with little kids can be - don’t get me wrong I love them and they are good kids but all the day to day I am not used to anymore, the school runs (we live 11 miles from their school so it’s a long commute twice a day in traffic), the different dinners, the refusal to go to bed, the early mornings, keeping them entertained all weekend, house is always messy.

I work full time DP works part time to accommodate this arrangement and does a lot of the heavy lifting in the house and with all the kids (my teenagers often want a lift to school too rather than walk, he drops off at friends whenever they ask etc).

Plus, we have zero time together. Before the 50/50 of the teenagers were at their dads or with friends we had some time, now we don’t! The 2/3 days a week we don’t have his children, I’m often working or he has to work.

All decisions revolve around small children. We were recently invited to a wedding we decided not to go to because we would have had to leave early due to his DC (he does not have family that would have had them for the night and the mother is very clear that she will not swap nights etc)

Selfishly I’m sick of it. I can’t say anything to DP as he would be heartbroken plus I have 100% custody of my DC, although they do see their dad. But teenagers are (obviously) so much more independent than 5 yr olds.

Im not sure what to do 🙁

How does the 50:50 work? Do you share weekends and weekdays evenly?

The backstory to their relationship is more complex but not actually relevant to my thread.

This is about a dad doing more (as MN would love to have more often) but the comment about it him only have them 50/50 is unfair as all children have 2 parents

Suit myself? No suit DP and his DC and apparently their mother at the same time.

Could he dial it back a little to 50/50 rather than 2/3rds? It’s ok to speak to him and tell him how you’re feeling. Maybe rejig working hours so you get some time, or have them in childcare while he works.
You didn’t have a crystal ball. Your intent was good but sometimes things aren’t working and need re thought out. That doesn’t mean going back to how it was, but just re assessing what’s working what’s not, and how things can be improved.

It rotates so some weekend we have them all weekend as well as week days, other way round they go back Sunday at midday .

when did you all move in together

when you go on holidays - with all the children?

I think we may have to look at rejigging times etc but they are settled in to the routine of days etc.

but thank you for saying I acted in good faith, I honestly did. I just didn’t realise or rather k had forgotten how full on it can be

Moved in together April 2023, arrangement started June/July ish and no holidays all together yet

I hope the children are blissfully aware that no one wants them around. Poor kids

Oh for goodness sake 🙄

You seem to be blaming the mother for agreeing to 50/50. He is the father, he is 50% responsible!
You are being very unreasonable, you started a serious relationship with a man with a young child. No wonder step mothers have such poor reputations, you want that 5 year old to be out of your hair. You beggar belief.
End your relationship if you can’t manage it, do not push for a change to a 5 years old’s routine and contribute to them feeling rejected. Time to behave like an adult.

You're getting a bit of a hard time here OP, but I understand. Little children are all-consuming when they are around and they do tend to dictate plans, just out of necessity (what time they need to eat, sleep, keeping them busy etc).

Unfortunately you have shot yourself in the foot a bit while trying to do something nice for others, could you maybe have a chat with your DP about arranging things to get a bit more time together? Even one evening a week would probably make a huge difference to you and wouldn't take too much rejigging.

Knock the different dinners on the head, there is no reason while the younger children can't eat the same as everyone else and the teenagers should stop being lazy and walk to school.

Could you talk to your husband and explain that you're finding it all a bit much, and miss time alone together. Look at ideas for reducing it.

Can you do it strictly 50/50 instead so that you know that you have every other week "off". Change every Sunday at 5pm for example.

How infrequently was he seeing them before if it wasn't enough to remind you what life is like with little children?

It sounds like you are his cash cow. No wonder he "jumped at the chance" to work less in the name of childcare. I'd move on.

It is okay to be stressed out about looking after young children.

However, this feels like a bed that you have very much had a hand in making and so you must lie in it. Reducing contact time now carries with it a very real risk that your partners' children will feel rejected and that is really not on.

So, like other parents and step-parents in these situations you are just going to have to suck it up for the next few years.

How on earth is she his ‘cash cow’? Would you like to be called that if you only saw your children once a week, and then your partner said actually I’d be quite happy to facilitate you having them more, why don’t you ask their mum for 50/50? I’d jump at the chance too. Really unfair when the ops offered and he’s said yes, she’s admitted to pushing for this, he’s hardly strong armed her into it

how many children does he have?

how did your teens feel about moving in all together?

I would have been focussed on two people and two people only… MY two teens. Presumably going through exams and issues of their own. and suddenly they are sharing their home with much much younger children and watching their mother pulled in all directions

Did you actually read the thread? That comment was directed to someone who made a dig at OP's husband for being a part time father. Honestly some people on here will go out of their way to take things out of context in order to lecture someone.

OP has blamed the mother for readily agreeing to the 50/50 - maybe you should read the post properly 😉

we live 11 miles from their school

poor children. must scupper after school play dates and activities

private or state?

Oh if he worked full time and only saw his kids on the weekend he would be called Disney dad and accused of neglecting them.
There is always an excuse to judge someone you don't know is there? And all those women "jumping at the chance to work less in the name of children" are fine, it's only the problem if it's a man right?

I actually have read the post properly and and her response was directed at someone who blamed the father for being part time that. It was in the line of - yes he has them half the time and so does the mother so let's not do dad bashing.
But of course your need to have a dig at someone will greatly inhibit your comprehension skills. We all see what we want to see.