50/50 agreement is ruining the relationship

[Festivalfruit]

Me and DP have been together 4 years. My DC are a 10+ years older than his, youngest just 5, mine all teens (youngest 14).

He is an awesome father, always there for mine and his DC, as our families came together a bit more I encouraged him to see them more and he jumped at the chance, gradually it increased from one night a week to 2-3 and when we moved in together we discussed him having them 50/50 (actually works out 67% of time). Their mother jumped at the chance to allow him this so no court or anything just a formal agreement written up between the two of them and that’s been the case for about 5 months now.

However, 5 months on, I’m regretting this decision. I didn’t realise how much I had forgotten about the Younger years and how draining life with little kids can be - don’t get me wrong I love them and they are good kids but all the day to day I am not used to anymore, the school runs (we live 11 miles from their school so it’s a long commute twice a day in traffic), the different dinners, the refusal to go to bed, the early mornings, keeping them entertained all weekend, house is always messy.

I work full time DP works part time to accommodate this arrangement and does a lot of the heavy lifting in the house and with all the kids (my teenagers often want a lift to school too rather than walk, he drops off at friends whenever they ask etc).

Plus, we have zero time together. Before the 50/50 of the teenagers were at their dads or with friends we had some time, now we don’t! The 2/3 days a week we don’t have his children, I’m often working or he has to work.

All decisions revolve around small children. We were recently invited to a wedding we decided not to go to because we would have had to leave early due to his DC (he does not have family that would have had them for the night and the mother is very clear that she will not swap nights etc)

Selfishly I’m sick of it. I can’t say anything to DP as he would be heartbroken plus I have 100% custody of my DC, although they do see their dad. But teenagers are (obviously) so much more independent than 5 yr olds.

Im not sure what to do 🙁

I think in all honesty you have to just suck it up.
You are in a relationship and decided to live with someone who has kids. He should be able to have them 50% of the time.

Either that or you go back to living in different houses or you split up

You definitely can't just tell him you want him to have them less.

That’s correct, we both worked full time, he went part time to accommodate the 50/50, I have stayed doing what I always did

yes i never thought otherwise

but the money you earn that is now subsiding your boyfriend going part time to look after his children… surely you would want it being channeled towards your children - whether that’s now or saving for further education / property / whatever…. but for your children?!

and given both his children are school aged, I am intrigued why having his children 50% of the time necessitated him going part time

when many a person manages full time with 100% parental responsibility of school aged children

i know you mentioned the long commute (which sounds bloomin awful for these young children when half the fun of primary is play dates after school or activities, clubs etc) - is that the reason?

This! I'm sorry OP but it sounds like he saw you coming. Why is this all on you?

So you're funding & facilitating gold standard parenting of someone else's 5 year old. Did your own children have that? Do they have that now (from their own parents, not a step)?

Your life, your children's lives, your financial situation, your home & your relationship are all being negatively affected because you've set yourself on fire to keep your partner & his ex warm. Fine, your choice. But it isn't the choice of your own children & you're very naive to think there'll be no resentment silently building up. This will come back & bite you at some point in the future OP. Either by the saved up resentment affecting your adult relationships with your children. Or by you having to sit back & silently watch your own children being doormats in their own adult relationships due to following the example you have set. What a mess.

This.

Just this

No he worked full time, very long hours. We discussed that to have his DC more he would have to cut hours or it wouldn’t have been possible
So he is only seeing his children properly now because you agreed to pay for him to do so? Yeah, he's not going to want to give up his subsidised lifestyle in a hurry

The wedding was quite far away which would have meant we would have to leave early to get home before the younger kids got wayy too tired etc
Yeah, I got that bit but why couldn't one of you go?

Yeah, I got that bit but why couldn't one of you go?

the OP

There's ten years between my DD and DH's DD. We met when she wasn't quite 2, and as we got serious and moved in together I found myself spending my school holidays (teacher) with his pre-schooler and then through her infant and junior years. We lived 300 miles from his ex, so I didn't have the day to day grind that the OP does, but I can absolutely relate to the dread feeling of having to do all that again as my DD was so independent. I especially noticed this when my DD was at her dad's but I had his DD to look after (he couldn't take time off work for all of the times she stayed with us as he didn't have that much annual leave). After eight years together, when she was 9, we moved overseas for work and he left the UK six months before me. I will admit it was kind of a relief to be off the childcare hook as my DD was 18 by then.

However, I knew he had a daughter and her age, he knew the same about me. We went into the relationship with our eyes open and with shared responsibility for our children. It just wasn't all roses and unicorns, I am sure he wished my DD wasn't around at times, too.

what possesses a parent to decide to live 300 miles away from the child?

oh i see..: the kind of parent who then decides to move even further away. Overseas

@plumberdrain the kind who is being emotionally abused by his ex, was already working 300 miles away and is prepared to spend thousands of pounds a year on flights, hotels and car hire to spend every other weekend with his DD and fetch her to spend large parts of school holidays at his home.

he moved 300 miles away and then abroad, leaving his child with his ex whom he believed was capable and indeed demonstrating being an emotional abuser?

Yep, i’m not surprised by this latest nugget of info

to spend large parts of school holidays at his home.

well, according to your first post, you were the one spending large parts of the school holidays with her. Hence… your relief at moving abroad

😔 the more I read and think about it, the more I see this side.

I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing but I didn’t think of the wider consequences at all really. It was mostly my idea though, although to no convincing from him on any part. And that’s what makes it worse. If he had engineered this or guilted me it made me do it, I would just put a stop completely to my part in it, but how do I ever go back now, without looking like a terrible person as I’m 110% sure he would say at the very least ‘this was all your idea’

And supporting a bigger family has had an impact financially and looking ahead at this year I can see that only getting worse

OP he’s a grown assed man

He could have said what we are saying “this isn’t fair to you and your kids. I appreciate what you’re suggesting but you and your children get no benefit… and that doesn’t sit comfortably with me. Thank you though, a lovely idea and one that i will work towards but that won’t mean me relying on you in order to do so”

what instead he did was jack in full time work and jump to it

The ex wants you to pay a bill in exchange for her having her own kids 3 hours? Did I read that correctly?

Yes she said that she would agree to this if we paid for the gym class of the youngest. It’s not a lot, currently she pays for it as it’s on her day but she said the time change means she won’t be able to work extra if needed

Honestly, I'd prefer to see this as just a bit of a vent. It's obviously disruptive to alter the size and structure of a family, with kids who've all been through at least one family breakdown already and seen their parents partnering up with new people. I imagine there's been some acting out and there'll probably be more.

It puts stress on you two as both parents and partners. You're the adults, responsible for creating a sense of security and stability for all of the young people. That's the priority but you have your own needs as well, and it isn't abnormal to feel a bit short-changed in some ways. It's true, as well, that little kids need more full-on attention than older ones (though usually less complicated!)

It's only been five months. You're still all settling, finding the new shape of your household. It's still not full-time - though it might feel it - and that, too, is part of the tapestry you're all weaving together. I have to say that, from the picture you're painting, you're doing incredibly well so far and your prospects look good.

Little children don't stay little for long - it's nine years since your youngest was five, and you'd already forgotten what it was like!

Give it some time, patience, love, and tweaks as appropriate. And, yes, you're entitled to vent.