50/50 agreement is ruining the relationship

[Festivalfruit]

Me and DP have been together 4 years. My DC are a 10+ years older than his, youngest just 5, mine all teens (youngest 14).

He is an awesome father, always there for mine and his DC, as our families came together a bit more I encouraged him to see them more and he jumped at the chance, gradually it increased from one night a week to 2-3 and when we moved in together we discussed him having them 50/50 (actually works out 67% of time). Their mother jumped at the chance to allow him this so no court or anything just a formal agreement written up between the two of them and that’s been the case for about 5 months now.

However, 5 months on, I’m regretting this decision. I didn’t realise how much I had forgotten about the Younger years and how draining life with little kids can be - don’t get me wrong I love them and they are good kids but all the day to day I am not used to anymore, the school runs (we live 11 miles from their school so it’s a long commute twice a day in traffic), the different dinners, the refusal to go to bed, the early mornings, keeping them entertained all weekend, house is always messy.

I work full time DP works part time to accommodate this arrangement and does a lot of the heavy lifting in the house and with all the kids (my teenagers often want a lift to school too rather than walk, he drops off at friends whenever they ask etc).

Plus, we have zero time together. Before the 50/50 of the teenagers were at their dads or with friends we had some time, now we don’t! The 2/3 days a week we don’t have his children, I’m often working or he has to work.

All decisions revolve around small children. We were recently invited to a wedding we decided not to go to because we would have had to leave early due to his DC (he does not have family that would have had them for the night and the mother is very clear that she will not swap nights etc)

Selfishly I’m sick of it. I can’t say anything to DP as he would be heartbroken plus I have 100% custody of my DC, although they do see their dad. But teenagers are (obviously) so much more independent than 5 yr olds.

Im not sure what to do 🙁

What on earth made you suggest this? No wonder their mum jumped at it.

to be honest I think it’s your own fault and you just have to live with it now.

you think you have it tough

Try being 5 years old and 11 miles away from your school and doing the commute in traffic every day.

Try being 15 years old and suddenly sharing your home with much younger children that aren’t related to you and seeing their mum parent them

He's hardly an awesome father if he previously only had them 1 night a week and the only reason he increased that was because of his girlfriend wanting him to. I'm sure if the OP ditched him then he would quickly go back to the original arrangement.

This all sounds very chop and change to suit you without much consideration for the 4 children. You've made lots of changes to these DCs lives in a small space of time to suit the 2 adults. Now is the time to give the 4 children routine and stability. And any decent parent must do atleast their fair share so asking the mother to default and pick up the pieces isn't an option. If you really are unhappy, leave but don't then dive into another relationship with another parent.

Oh dear, please read OP’s first post where she states that the mother ‘jumped at the chance’.
You can then calm down at your insistence that you’re right.

An 'awesome' father does not see his children once a week 🙄

Did he work part time before you engineered this whole 50/50 situation or was that a carrot to go along with your vision of how you thought things should be?

And why did you both have to miss the wedding?

Sounds like the issue here is the schedule. If you work Mon-Fri and the kid is here every weekend as well as mid-week, of course it’s exhausting.

Your partner needs to switch to week-on, week off, or alternating Friday to Sunday with a set two days in the week.

Why shouldn’t she? Sounds like you wish he was a bit more if a Disney dad and she did all the hard work.

If you don’t like it then you need to split up, as you can’t say he must reduce his contact time.

No he worked full time, very long hours. We discussed that to have his DC more he would have to cut hours or it wouldn’t have been possible.

The wedding was quite far away which would have meant we would have to leave early to get home before the younger kids got wayy too tired etc

Thank you all for responding.

just want to clear up the bit about the mum as it’s derailing the thread a bit.

The comment was something like ‘he is a dad 100% of the time, not just 50%’ which I 100% understand, and in the interest of equality so are mothers 100% of the time too! so her being so rigid with the plans, not swapping, no longer willing to negotiate times or days etc is just as sad as dads that are not flexible. That’s all I was say. I would never suggest to him that he has to send them packing they are family!

I honestly came in to this with a good heart. We provide an awesome life for all our children and I’ll be honest they are all better with me and DP than their other parents for lots of reasons which is why I suggested it. Not to slam the mum, not so my DP could work part time, not to make my own DC’s lives more difficult!

MY whole post was just ‘fuck, I forgot how hard it is to have small kids and I kinda resent that sometimes’ any tips?

He would see them one night at the weekend, we didn’t blend families straight away and it’s very different to go out for the day with young children and looking after them.

This is about a dad doing more

Well, only having been nudged and encouraged to do so by a new girlfriend probably hoping to impress him with how much she loves his children

do your teens ever want to come out on “days out” with much younger children not related to? I suspect they don’t at all and instead relish having their home to themselves and the peace

unfortunately Op you put this man and his children above the interests of yourself and, much more importantly your OWN children, and now it’s coming to bite you and your children on the ass

I still do things with my teens alone, theme parks in the summer, cinema, dinner out etc they do struggle with parts of this for sure, but I can imagine that would be the same if they were all related.

I genuinely just thought I was doing the best thing at the time but I think you are right now sadly.

I can imagine that would be the same if they were all related.

oh don’t be daft. Because then you could say the same about yourself…. you would still feel exactly the same if these children were your own children? hmm 🤔

it’s not too late to make a change
your youngest is just 14

I think everyone missed the fact that op said they actually have the kids more like 70% of the time and that the Mum won’t be at all flexible in any arrangement whatsoever, sounds to me that the Mum took the opportunity to palm her kids off and ultimately have way more time to herself than op and Dad are having. I would really try to ask for a more fair 50/50 arrangement if I were you to take the pressure off

I totally understand you when you say you already got your share with kids covered where your teens where children, I get you that.

The issue here is, you (both you and your partner) can't be picking and choosing now. Kids are small but not idiots, they will know if they arrangement changes and they may fell rejected. I wouldn't mess with that and I just suck it up for the sake of the little ones. Regardless of not being my blood.

I would however, make some plans on the time the little ones are with their mother when both of you can be free of both, kids and teens, to get some time for both of you.

Kids grow and things will improve. You know it because you already had the experience.

Think you need some you as well as quality couple time somewhere in the equation too. You seem to be copping double duties. Working FT and being step Mum much of the time. Was a lovely thing for you to accommodate and I’m sure DP/DC will benefit long as well as short term but your needs matter too. Only human to say you forgot how hard wee folk can be versus teens.

I don’t understand how people forget how hard it is parenting young kids. I always see people saying how rough it is parenting teenagers and young kids isn’t that hard but my experience tells me differently. I see a lot of people insist teenagers are harder work than toddlers too. Really?

The way I keep my sanity with my 5 year old is to take him to places where he can run around and I can sit down and have a coffee. I’ve not had regular free time to myself in years!

I can’t wait for my kids to be older 😂

Your feeling genuinely overwhelmed. I think you need to accept that. Carve out time for your own DC. Also some couple time. It's ok to step back from time to do spends with his own younger kids.vyou only have limited time with your own DC.

Yeah, tell him you'd rather he concentrated on you and your kids.

This is a perfect situation where, because your well being and marriage is in jeopardy - Counselling OR GROUP FAMILY ADULT MEETING is required to discuss LONG TERM .,( arrangements with children) children's needs change constantly and should be regularly reviewed, as well as for yourself. It could be a discussion where ALL ADULTS discuss if the current arrangement is still working for ALL involved.