Fab & Glam Part 4 - Spring into Happiness!

[Paddlechick666]

Good Lord people, we've filled a thread up in about 6 weeks!

Anyways, here's a link to the venue Tanee suggested for a picnic:

www.coramsfields.org/index.php

Looks fabulous so let's get planning!

ps: sorry for London/Southern centric take on this but we'll plan hits around the rest of the country too I promise.

pps: Lily, get yer butt on FB woman!

Crap crap crap day - started out lovely DD1 has some money to spend so off we go to ToysRus (with H) and buy her a fab go kart thing which H then puts together for her - but does he bother to stick around to spend some time with her does he fuck - off he goes on his bike (£1000's worth stored in MY garage) comes back I am cooking dinner asks if any for him say ok but will be hour or so - oh no says he gotta get to pub - but tells me (like I am a child) that DD1 is not old enough to open/close garage door by herself - point out to him that if I am 2 flights up with baby not much I can do.....but off he fucks anyway!!
Soooooo DD1 having great time on her new toy, DD2 really grumpy teething so take her for quick walk round block to get her off to sleep - as I get back see DD1 trying to open garage door but before I can get there she pushes it off and the key snaps off ( we have had this before and it is a real pain cannot just replace key it has snapped off in lock and whole thing needs replacing) - so I lose it she cries yada yada...anyway tell H later and he starts yelling at me why wasn't I watching her he told me blah blah....so I totally lose it and start screaming at him that if he bothered to stick around to spend time with his DD1 then it wouldn't have happened, that the pub is always more important than us, THAT I CANNOT DO EVERYTHING/I CANNOT COPE ANYMORE and slam phone down on him....poor DD1 heard all this and now thinks it his her fault that me and dad are fighting again ......so me and her both crying and all I can thing is its FUCKING TWO YEARS later and we are right back were we started (and to top it all off while we were having family time in ToysRus he actaully called DD2 by OW's baby's name )....
Have been tearful all day I have just had enough just enough....I want it over am going to tell him tomorrow that I am going to see solicitor and he can come to mediation to sort out or pay all we have left to solicitors.....
Sorry for long moan hope everyone is ok - anyone know how TFM is not been about for ages I haven't got her mobile???

Message withdrawn

McD
You will be doing the right thing with the solicitors - i promise you will feel so much stronger and in control once you have made that first step, believe me i have been there. I cried all the way to london - through the session and all the way home. i had my sil with me so she wrote down what was said and made me feel better. It will not be easy and it is not your fault you are doing this. He really does need to know that you cannot carry on living like this. Do let us know how you get on.

Dior I am so glad you feel more in control - my cousin took those tablets and they do work - but do have some awful side effects if you 'cheat' with too much fat - so be warned . I too am trying to be in more control this week and i am hoping the sunny weather will mean i will choose a healthy salad for lunch.

Baffy you do not have to be strong and make sure you ask for help whenever you need it. Your h will need to know how much he has hurt you but the trouble is if he cant handle it he will just bury his head in the sand and pretend it is not his problem. He will one day realise though.
One of the things i have learnt from this is that it is ok to be selfish too. I have less of a problem now of telling dh when i am not happy (luckily he now wannts to change things to make my life better).
I feel so much more in control of my own happiness and i think that is a huge lesson to learn.
We make ourselves happy - we do have the power to not allow others to make us unhappy but it is very difficult at times to see that. I dont think i will ever give my happiness to anyone else as it is too precious (and that is the sadness in all this). But it is also a lesson i wish i had learnt long before this happened.

Hi to everyone else - make sure you enjoy the sunshine.

Message withdrawn

MCD so sorry massive (((hugs))) what a nightmare. You do need to do this. His selfishness is beyond comprehension. He has no idea what you are going through or how hard things are for you with a baby and dd to look after on yur own. To have the cheek to blame you after you had told him you couldn't manage is a joke and to call dd2 by her babies name must have been heart breaking. He needs to sort his life out and think about what's important , not the pub . You already know dd's are what are the most important to you and he cannot keep swanning in and out upsetting them and you. Hope you have the strength to follow it through today, did you speak to him on Friday.
I think TFM is ok she has been on Only Jokings thread recently so guessing she just busy.

Hi to everyone else

Hi everyone,

McD & Baffy, big hugs to you both. I can understand your anger and McD, it was careless and utterly thoughtless of him to forget which baby he was addressing! What an . Wish I could make it better for you both. I do think we go out on a limb to be understanding and supportive to these men - and we get little thanks for it - they just use and use and use. All I can suggest is what others have done - keep strong - after all, you have the joy of the DCs - they have lost that chance - and for what?

PC, wow - what a turnabout from yours - and you are quite right to take your time to decide what YOU want and what's right for you and that gorgeous girl of yours. Parallel lives is a good way to travel.

Dior - hope the drug works - and thanks to you and HW for the offer to stalk DP in Norfolk - I might take you up on it !

I had my tooth put back today - hooray! Hope it lasts another 18 years. Can't drink without dribbling yet but at least I can smile without looking like some old hag. We were at my sister's yesterday for my Mum's birthday & BIL kept getting me to repeat anything I said which had lots of sssss in it - just for the entertainment value. He and sis are celebrating 25 years since they met (I was responsible, as I took her to the policeman's disco where he saw us, fancied us both but decided she was more approachable ). I said I was now regretting having given her a pen and paper that night to give him her phone number and if he didn't stop teasing, I'd remind him of how we used to say he looked like Tintin!

Spoke to DP last night and for some reason got very irritated with him and depressed after I'd put the phone down. Perhaps it was because he was obviously trying to watch Match of the Day at the same time and kept lapsing into silence, and also he'd been for a picnic with some friends from London who were up there for the day, and I would have liked it if he'd just said, 'I wish you'd been here too.' He keeps saying that the people he's staying with are asking when I'll be visiting, and I keep saying, 'I'll come when I'm invited'. I'm still waiting for that invitation (from him, not them).

Guess I'm just waiting for him to say how much he's missing me - as he has done in past years. But he hasn't really said it yet though he always says 'I love you' before saying goodbye. I'm trying to be sensible and think he needs to concentrate on learning his lines this first couple of weeks, but I can't help feeling that something's lacking this year...

Macd

I really can't write down here the words I want to use!!

I promise you that once you make this step, even though it was never what you wanted, you will feel a million times better. Living in limbo is hell. Any step forward has got to be better than that.

I have totally distanced myself from H. And he texted today and I calmly replied can he just sign the papers, he's made his decision to put OW before us, can he please respect my wishes now and agree to the divorce.
And he accused me of being 'flippant'!!!
Like I'm taking this lightly and finding it easy!
But I guess for me, now that I have accepted that there really is no other option, it does help. I want ds to learn that you can't treat people like this and get away with it. Forgiveness is important. But there is only so much a person can take!

{{{hugs}}}

Sorry everyone else, am dipping in and out as mad busy in work. Will catch up with everyone else later.

Hope you're all ok. I had a fantastic weekend with ds. Bit sad it's Monday and I'm missing out on being with him, but still smiling from his little happy face playing in the sprinklers yesterday!

'Flippant'!? YOU???? And what is HE??

&

Speechless. Got to go home now or my tooth will pop out in indignation on your behalf!

typical diversionary behaviour.

i remember h telling how awful it was for him the day after we had a huge talk about what he had doen to me and dd.

never bloody mind how awful it was for me at the time!

sorry baffy, hope he signs soon.

macd, am very at your h. honestly, and i don't say this lightly, you have to get him out of your life.

Well done baffy - try really hard not respond any more to his texts - it will be hell. My friend this time last year used to get about 100 texts a day (but he still couldnt get ow out of his life - even then). She was just like you and finally realised she could never have him back again and he was never going to do what it would take to convince her otherwise.

It has still been a hard year - he is still with the ow but always says if she wants him back he will come back . But she is so much calmer and happier and is now seeing someone else.

Her soon to be xh still has days when he turns to her for help but she now has so little feeling for him she just finds it sad. They get on quite well now and have chats when he collects the dc. The ow hates it and he will not commit to her either.

You will get there too - it will not always be easy but we are all here for you.

Bloody internet/computer problems again thanks guys - just feel sad today - i think maybe I am finally acepting that no matter how hard I fight or no matter what I do - he will never change enough to make it better and I have never really let him face the consequences of his behaviour
SOOOO haven't spoken to him - he came to take DD1 to school I went out to gym and left him with DD2 ....
I have booked solicitors appt for aft of 17 June and booked day off work - girls will be at school and CM - and I will talk to him and tell him I want out ...of marriage of business of his life
Sorting out some old photos and pics of us on hols few years ago and just so sad that DD2 will never have that family time...we looked so happy But can't help wondering if he was cheating even then - OW said he cheated on me since DD1 was born who knows she is as big a liar as him I hope they end up together then he can make her miserable instead of me
I never wanted to be a single mum - I truly loved him
My lovely BF said I need to stop punishing myself for what he did - she literally shook me and said 2 years was enough and I had taken enough blame she is great But very very tearful at mo thought I was all run out of tears
Love to all ....

Bloody internet/computer problems again thanks guys - just feel sad today - i think maybe I am finally acepting that no matter how hard I fight or no matter what I do - he will never change enough to make it better and I have never really let him face the consequences of his behaviour
SOOOO haven't spoken to him - he came to take DD1 to school I went out to gym and left him with DD2 ....
I have booked solicitors appt for aft of 17 June and booked day off work - girls will be at school and CM - and I will talk to him and tell him I want out ...of marriage of business of his life
Sorting out some old photos and pics of us on hols few years ago and just so sad that DD2 will never have that family time...we looked so happy But can't help wondering if he was cheating even then - OW said he cheated on me since DD1 was born who knows she is as big a liar as him I hope they end up together then he can make her miserable instead of me
I never wanted to be a single mum - I truly loved him
My lovely BF said I need to stop punishing myself for what he did - she literally shook me and said 2 years was enough and I had taken enough blame she is great But very very tearful at mo thought I was all run out of tears
Love to all ....

Bloody internet/computer problems again thanks guys - just feel sad today - i think maybe I am finally acepting that no matter how hard I fight or no matter what I do - he will never change enough to make it better and I have never really let him face the consequences of his behaviour
SOOOO haven't spoken to him - he came to take DD1 to school I went out to gym and left him with DD2 ....
I have booked solicitors appt for aft of 17 June and booked day off work - girls will be at school and CM - and I will talk to him and tell him I want out ...of marriage of business of his life
Sorting out some old photos and pics of us on hols few years ago and just so sad that DD2 will never have that family time...we looked so happy But can't help wondering if he was cheating even then - OW said he cheated on me since DD1 was born who knows she is as big a liar as him I hope they end up together then he can make her miserable instead of me
I never wanted to be a single mum - I truly loved him
My lovely BF said I need to stop punishing myself for what he did - she literally shook me and said 2 years was enough and I had taken enough blame she is great But very very tearful at mo thought I was all run out of tears
Love to all ....

Well done McD - just cry away - you will stop one day and hopefully wonder what you were crying about.

We went on a family holiday at the christmas - we were in the middle of it then - him saying he wanted to make a go of it blah blah blah... swearing ow off the scence, but it was not right and i knew it. He told me on that holiday that he would not be coming back home.... and actually i did not let him in again.
He had to make a decision one way or the other and he just couldnt.

I cried so much that week - i really didnt think i could anymore - i also lost a stone in that week too.... But it did help - i read a book that said each day put aside some time to be sad and think about it - dont feel guilty about it just do it - you will soon know when you have had enough grief and it will be time for you to stop. But let your body tell you when that is - there is no rule for everyone.

I saw my solictitor 5 days after we got back and about 2 weeks later he was begging to come back. I think because i really had let him go and he at that time had to face what he really wanted he had to make a choice. He said it was the loneliest time of his life (shame).
I had by that time already got him to agree to buy another house that me and the children would live in.
My anger had gone (i had got a lot of that out on the holiday too - i did not hold my toungue as i truely believed it was over then and i would be on my own.) I was so sad for everything i had lost - everything i thought i had ever wanted (and he wanted too) was gone forever - he didnt want it anymore and i frankly could not fight for it anymore either.

It is a sad time for you McD but it is something you have to go through - your relationship (the old one) has gone forever and even though you know it you are finding it hard to accept at the moment - and that is fine. Take your time and lean on us for support.

You may not get the turn around that my h was able to do - he took 6 months off work (although he was not capable of much anyway). It was the best time we had had for a long time (although there was a lot of pain). I honestly think i could have asked my h to walk on hot coals for me at that time and he would. I have been lucky - and my h has been lucky that we have both been prepared to work very hard at keeping our family together.

It does take a lot of work to bring it back but you must now concentrate on your future and not pin any hopes on him - you deseve all the effort for you - if he does not like it then he can do something drastic. At the moment he doesnt have to. So please dont include him in this - it is just for you remember - you do not have to tell him about wanting out of the marriage - he has made it clear that is what he wants anyway.
So do this for you - not to make him realise - just for you.

Good luck and you know where i am if you need me.

MCD well done on booking the solicitor apt. He will then have to face the consquence of his actions as you have already!
You can do this and your friend sounds lovely and right. None of this is your fault, stop beating yourself up about it. DD2 will have a lovely family life with you and dd1, maybe not as you imagined but not worse just different. At least she won't have to have him coming and going and upsetting you like he has done to dd1.
You can't change him, your right it isn't down to you but him.
Keep building your strength and focusing on that date in June as the beginning of a new chapter of your and dd's life.
(((hugs)))

excellent posts HW and lily

macd sending you all my love. totally understand. am useless with the advice at the moment though xx

Hang on in there MacD - June's only a month away and then you can start a new life for you and your dds.
Baffy - is there no way you can carry on working where you are? It seems such a shame after all the hard work you've put in.
Tannee - glad you have a full set of nashers again, back to being gorgeous again.
Dior - good luck with the tablets.
Lilyloo - sorry to hear about your dh's business. Its a crap time. My P has some money invested in property which just won't sell, its all so frustrating.
PC saw the house on FB - it looks lovely
Sorry if I've missed anyone out - this is just a flying visit.
Love to you all
xxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks gin
Hope your all bearing up

Ginnedup I'm going to try my very best to stay here. I'm looking at all the options. I'm really enjoying my work at the moment it would kill me to lose this job along with everything else..

How are you??

Macd how are you today?

TFM are you lurking? Are you ok?

Hi all really struggling at mo feel like taken a big step back - my sister is getting married in 3 weeks and can't even feel excited about that - H sulking cos he isn't invited think my dad would probably wallop him after a few drinks ....
H has been sulking like a spoilt child because I have been so detached .... don't think I can keep doing this will it ever end
Baffy hope you are ok really worried about your job remember how unhappy you were in last one and you seem to love this one - god these bloody men they are so self centred it is unbelievable
Has anyone got TFM mobile to text her bit worried she's not been around for ages is she ok???
Chins up gals {weak grin}

McD

The wedding will be hard for you - all that promising forsaking all others til death us do part.... but i do hope you manage to go anyway. It will be another step forward for you i am sure. I had a wedding last year and went on my own and it was very hard and i had to leave during the ceremony to have a little cry. Make sure you have a hankie ready and sit so you can escape if you need to.
Dont worry about h not being invited he has made his bed and all that. Are the dc invited? Why does he want to go anyway? Hard as it is think of this as one of those first steps in your new life.

Try not to let your h being a sulky boy knock you off course - he seems to still want to control you in some ways and if he cant will make you feel 'responsible' for his bad mood - this is not your fault or problem it is his make him grow up - and thats not meant in a harsh way.

And you havent taken a step back you are going forward in your own way one tiny bit at a time, and we are here to help.

Hope you sort out your dilemas too baffy - you should not have to re-think your career but i understand why you are.you never expected or prepared for this situation and it is just not fair. Do your work know what is going on - i am sure they would help you rather than lose you?

Hi all

Yes I am lurking baffy

All is ok here, P still being good, more than good actually. I found a lump in my breast a couple of weeks ago and was worried about telling him incase he freaked like he did the last time I was ill. Well, he has been just great. Caring, loving and supportive. I couldn't really ask for better.

I have an appointment with the breast clinic next Friday to get it checked out but I am looking on the positive side, I am not worrying about it, I'm sure it will be ok. I will keep you informed

Sending you all lots of love. Sorry I'm not much use with the advice at the moment xxx

TFM good to see your around , have noticed you on OJ's thread.
Sorry you have bad news but try not to worry, easier said than done i know, Glad p has been supportive of you though.

McD you can do this and it will end. Just keep douing what your doing and let him bloody sulk, as if that's his main concern at the minute
I am sure once you get to the wedding yoyu will have a nice day obviously you won't feel like partying at the minute but it will do you good to let your hair down. Are the dd's bridesmaids ?

Baffy really hope you can sort something out r/e the job as you seem to really enjoy it, although your much busier now as you don't post half as much as you did in last job i could never keep up with you all