baffy, i so so so feel where you are at. even 18m into this i still didn't know the whole story.
this is now approaching year 3(in Sept) and things have changed so much since he first went awol.
it took about 2yrs for me to really buy into a future alone. with that came the start of not caring and distancing myself. 6 months further along and i still hurt over a future that has been lost but i have gradually lost the angst of h not being there/co-parenting/communicative etc.
this seems to have resulted in a much calmer environment for h and i to communicate. that long weekend at the caravan a few weeks ago was pleasant and normal without any great emotional stress or the need to thrash things out. my aim was to just enjoy a weekend with my dd and give h an opportunity to spend time with her.
i'm waffling and not articulating very well! sorry!!
i guess what i'm trying to say is that, on reflection, things have only got to this point when i let go of the desperation for h to be the parent i wanted him to be.
thru my own painful experience, you can't force them to be responsible parents. i've created so many opportunities for h and he's ignored the majority of them. so i stopped. i didn't stop him seeing her if he wanted to as long as it was convenient but i stopped pressuring him to do so. only because i was fed up with his attitude and couldn't keep going thru the emotional strain of it all.
and now when i am happier about a future alone and more accepting of that fact, h is now tentatively feeling out the possibility of a future together again!!!
he does seem changed. he does seem to be resisiting the black dog this time. he appearst to be enthusiastic and optimistic about the future and i don't detect any of the fantasy/utopia/slightly manic qualities that has accompanied his thoughts at times over the last 2.5yrs.
i don't really know how i feel about it tbh. i think his plan for his own future business-wise is a good idea. i am not going to deviate from my own course and he knows it would be a long long time of rebuilding friendship/trust etc before i would seriously consider a future "together".
in fact, i don't even really know if i even want a future with him. i was 80% sure i didn't when i got back last week.
of course, now that 20% of "not sure" is really being brought to the fore now!
so, ultimately feeling a bit confused right now but am happy that we are maintaining a friendship and communicating and whatever else happens that has to be a good thing.
anyways, i have blathered on about myself far too much here.
you are dealing with so much more than i ever had to. you are 18m into the journey of recovery. that was a very hard point for me too.
it's darkest before the dawn, i honestly think you will turn a corner soon.
my honest advice right now would be cut GW out of your life as much as you can. it's not your job to teach him how to parent however much you want to force him to see what and where his responsibilities lie.
focus on you, ds and your future and try really hard to do that without making provision for GW. let him stew in his own juices and believe me i know how hard that is to do. eventually he will either start taking responsibility for himself and his relationship with his son. or he won't. but by building your future without considering his needs should he never come to his senses it won't affect you.
the biggest thing i have learned (and sometimes the hardest to maintain) is that i must live my life and h can live his parallel to mine because when i was in his tailwind i was constantly blown off course at every whim of his.
sorry if i haven't made any sense whatsover! brain a bit foggy today.....