Fab & Glam Part 4 - Spring into Happiness!

[Paddlechick666]

Good Lord people, we've filled a thread up in about 6 weeks!

Anyways, here's a link to the venue Tanee suggested for a picnic:

www.coramsfields.org/index.php

Looks fabulous so let's get planning!

ps: sorry for London/Southern centric take on this but we'll plan hits around the rest of the country too I promise.

pps: Lily, get yer butt on FB woman!

Hi CC good to 'see' you

Thank you all for the support. I'm up and down at the moment. Not sure how I feel.

I saw the counsellor this morning, perfect timing, and she was good, but actually lost for words at times at his attitude! If the counsellor is lost for words what hope do I have!

She said the way I've been living, in constant limbo, the turmoil with what SG puts me through every time they have a fight, has been like mental torture for 18 months. And she said that even though this isn't the outcome I wanted, I have to get closure because the stress of it, along with supporting my mum, working 12 hours a day, bringing ds up alone etc will eventually take its toll on my physical as well as mental health.

She said she was amazed that I'd held it together so well in the face of some of the things they've put me through. Although she was probably just trying to make me feel better wasn't she! It worked though

She said she'd always shared my positivity and hoped h would come through. But sadly he hasn't and she thinks the steps I've taken this week are for the best.
(She also suggested drugs could be involved due to the massive change in him and the erratic behaviour.)

We also talked practcally, as I know he's getting deeper and deeper into debt, (I'd guess it's well over £30k at the least) and basically if he goes bankrupt, as my huband, I lose my job, my qualification and my career. So if nothing else, I need to divorce asap to protect my future as I currently have no control (or knowledge) of what he is spending. Most likely on her!

She said what you guys have said, divorce doesn't have to mean the end, it's just closure on the current situaiton.

But for me it is the end. My first ever boss said to me when I left my job, he was really sad to see me leave, and he'd have me back in a shot, but his one piece of advice was 'never go back, always go fowards'. It stuck with me. I couldn't go back now. It's come to the crunch and he's chosen her.

(Although in his mind he hasn't, he just 'doesn't know' what to do for the best anymore )

I think no contact will be good.

I feel pretty numb and sick right now. That empty feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when you feel like all of your insides have been ripped out. I feel like that. Like I did right back at day 1.

It's good for the 'birthday dress' diet though!
See - I'm finding the positives already

Thanks again. You're all amazing. CC thanks so much too it's lovely you're thinking of me xx

I like your counsellor Baffy

I feel very sad for you though, I don't feel sorry for you cos I know you are a strong woman and you will get through this but, I feel sad that it has come to this.

I may be way off mark here but, given GW devious behaviour it has crossed my mid that maybe he is reluctant to divorce because he knows that he will be entitled to a share in your assets when you do. At the moment you are living with your parents so, there is little he can get his hands on. I wonder if he is waiting for you to have more for him to take IYSWIM. I know it's not a very nice thought but considering how dispicably he has behaved in these past 18 months I don't think we can afford to underestimate him.

Lots of love xxx

Baffy you know I remember so well that feeling in your stomach but you have done your best havent you, the ball has been put back in his court so many times and he just hasnt given you what you need.

It seems to me that YOU are working really hard....you should have a great life but YOU are the one living with parents with nothing to show for it while he has the flat by the river. Lets face it if he was still the man he used to be he would have ensured his son had a roof over his head irrespective of his feelings for you.

Who knows what his problem is - it certainly isnt you as you have given him far mor chances than most of us would - may be its drugs or perhaps he is repeating the dynamic of his parents relationship(?)

Id forgotten you are an accountant so he could fck that up for you too - you are* doing the right thing honestly - if your relationship ever could recover it would even despite a divorce so you dont need to think of it as "the end" just a necessary step to protect yours and your DS financial welfare if that makes it easier at this time.

Thanks TFM

I don't think we should underestimate him at all. But tbh, I don't think he has any idea when it comes to money. He's great at spending it, but not much else!
That's why he's so quickly got into this mess.

If I'm honest, it was one of the reasons I was reluctant to get solicitors involved. Because if he does get one they will tell him clearly what he's entitled to off me.
Won't go into it here.
But I'd rather just divorce, walk away as things are, and both deal with the debt that's in our own names, start fresh, and leave it at that.

I don't think he wants to divorce because I am his security blanket. I'm his 24 hour bank account. I'm the one who picks up the pieces every time something goes wrong (in all aspects of his life). I'm the steady, stable, calming influence in his life. I've never let him down. Not even through all of this. And he knows that.

Who in their right mind would willingly give all that up!

But the problem is, he wants the excitement of a new relationship and a young girl who hero worships him. He needs the ego boost. He hates himself for what he's done. He can't face his 'old' life and all of the people he's hurt. And she makes him feel like the world revolves around him. She does worship him. And he needs that right now.

So, I'm afraid that the time has come where he needs to take the volatility, debt, uncertainty and inevitable loneliness that will come from living his life in such a selfish, short-sighted way.

But like all big lessons in life. We all tend to learn the hard way.

Time for him to do just that

Thanks cc.

You've hit the nail on the head there with the way he is living. I'm the one working hard and holding everything together. While he has the life he wants, the lovely flat, goes out every night, and then I bail him out with his debt!

The fact he left us with no home, and has sorted out himself in his luxury place before making sure me and ds have a home, is the main reason why I've lost all respect for him.

Also think you're spot on with the parents thing. I think there are 2 underlying reasons for his behaviour. Our relationship obviously wasn't making him happy because he felt he had somehow 'missed out' by being with me from so young and not having a carefree single life first.

Secondly, seeing his mum hurt his dad so badly, after 30 years in a 'perfect' relationship, hit him hard. If she could do that, and if they could split up, then there's no hope for any of us. I know that's how he sees it.

Well its hard enough bringing up a small child without being responsible for a big one too isnt it!

Definitely!

"Our relationship obviously wasn't making him happy because he felt he had somehow 'missed out' by being with me from so young and not having a carefree single life first"

The thing is though the could have told you that...yes you would have been devastated but theres no point being in a realtionship where you dont love each other equally. At least he would have treated you with respect, you could split what you had earnt together and in time you could have had an amicable relationship - he didnt need to turn your life into a Jerry Springer episode - you did nothing to deserve that.

Onwards and upwards now for you im guessing he MUST have had everything financially off of you that he was entitled to...and more.

There's nothing more to say really is there (yes, TFM is lost for words! ) he has been a complete arse! BUT, young lady, you have to keep that purse firmly closed from now on! I didn't realise you were still bailing him out. I know all of this is easier said than done for you though. I am glad you are angry with him, I think you need to be angry to be able to let go.

You are an amazing person Baffy, you take care of everyone's needs so selflessly. I really hope that your 30th Birthday is a turning point for you. You deserve a break, you deserve the best! xxx

Message withdrawn

Good news about your friend dior

CC exactly right! All he'd have had to do is tell me how he was feeling and give us a chance at working things out. At least that way, if we couldn't have worked it out, we'd have walked away knowing we did our best, there would have been none of the heartache, and most of all, we could have maybe salvaged some sort of amicable relationship out of it for ds's sake.

As it is. I can't bear to see him, never mind get on with him for anyone's sake!!

Trust me though - I think he's realised that now! Me shouting exactly that at him yesterday, along with what a bstard he was to not only not tell me he was that unhappy, but sell my home, whilst sneaking off to sleep with her, or sneaking her into my house! when all it would have taken was a few words to say he was desperately feeling that he wanted someone new, and him to keep his knb in his pants for a few more weeks so we could have had the discussions and I could have kept my home!!!!!..... will have got the point across!

It does appear that he conned you doesn't it Baffy. I can't get over how he talked you into selling your house, it all seems premeditated. He really does not deserve your tears or your time.

Lets talk revenge!

Ooh I have it all planned!

I am going to bide my time. I will get a lovely house, get myself back to the gym and make sure I look great. Work hard and build myself up some savings. Plan trips to travel the world and see all the places I want to see.
And I am going to have the most wonderful, fun filled, secure and happy life with my little boy.

It will kill him!

TFM you really are wonderful , you advice is so thoughful and caring and sincere , you truly are a lovely person. Hope things still ok for you.

HW sorry things are so tough at the mo , for what it's worth when i found out about do he had to leave his job there and then, i just couldn't have carried on with him working with her , so you have done so well to cope with that. It also got much easier when they weren't working together for me.

PC poor you, hope you feel better soon. Glad you had a good weekend with h and dd sounds lovely. So you back on for moving then ?

Dior glad your friend better for the moment.

Baffy what can i say, i really hope this time it can be closure for you. He is the most selfish person and you and ds do not need him. His behaviour is completey irrational and therefore you will never be able to understand him. Your counsellor is very right and i hope you can keep those thoughts in your mind. You haven't lost here Baffy, he has big time it will just take you time to see what you have won or gained from this situation, as for him he def got the 'booby' prize. You deserve so much more and i hope that tom is the first day of the rest of your h free life.

Well having a bit of a mare here dd2 is not so well after her injections and has now been diagnosed with skin infection so is on ab's, not easy to get into a 13 week old !

Hope everyone else ok and happy b'day for tom Baffy

Awh Thank You Lily what a nice thing to say. I'm sorry that dd is not very well, I hope she is soon feeling better, bless her.

Baffy, if you had 'won' I wouldn't have envied you your 'prize!'
You seem to have it all worked out and it sounds great! I would forget the gym if I were you though, complete waste of money they are xx

Agree TFM i am hoping the wii fit i just bought will help me out there

PS Yes Lily, things are still on the straight and narrow here. P is giving it his best.

great news TFM looks like you have really hit a cord there

Ooh I've seen those Lily, they look great. Personally, I think Baffy looks better with curves and you know, they do some really nice big knickers now don't they?

esp like the skin tone ones !

Yes Lily, I do believe I did! But, I also found a book called 'Living with the passive aggressive man' and it could have been written about my P. It was a real eye opener and everything just slotted into place as I was reading it. It was like a light being turned on in a darkened room. It was also a great relief to know that there is actually a name for how he is and that it isn;t just that he loves me but he hates me IYSWIM. I am doing as the book reccommends and it is actually working. I feel empowered! I just have to get over all the hurt of the last few weeks, I am still feeling quite detached from him.

Ooh yes, the 'nude' ones, handy under white trousers. Personally I like the ones that come up to just under the bust, if you pull hard enough you can force the muffin top into your bra and give your assets a boost

I think it will take a long time to get over all the hurt he has caused you. I suppose it's a bit like getting a diagnosis off a doctor until you do you can't start to make it better iyswim but cures don't happen overnight!

think you can nearly get whole body ones now that combat, bingo wings, saggy boobs, saggy bellys and saggy knees!
Bet they very attractive, who needs a gym bring on the cake and biccies !

Failing that you could just do as dd2 has done and relieve yourself of a few pounds whilst sat on my knee