Fab & Glam Part 4 - Spring into Happiness!

[Paddlechick666]

Good Lord people, we've filled a thread up in about 6 weeks!

Anyways, here's a link to the venue Tanee suggested for a picnic:

www.coramsfields.org/index.php

Looks fabulous so let's get planning!

ps: sorry for London/Southern centric take on this but we'll plan hits around the rest of the country too I promise.

pps: Lily, get yer butt on FB woman!

Yes, it does make sense and it's perfectly understandable. Thats you subconsiously protecting yourself from getting hurt again.

I think sometimes, when something like this happens there is a tendency to blame everything you feel on it, like the neediness, the insecurity etc. The truth is, we wil never know if we would have felt that anyway but, it's relating every single bad feeling we have to 'the event' that keeps 'the event' in our minds. We have to be free to feel whtever we feel without relating it to something or having to find a reason for it.

There is no time limit on feelings HW. You are putting yourself under a heck of a lot of pressure if you think you should be over it by now. You are strinking me as a rather impatient lady HW, one likes to have control over her life and who can be rather cross with situations you cannot control (once again, forgive me if i'm wrong)

As for OW, I can understand why you feel let down by her, betrayed even. By feeling angry towrds her now though there is only one person who is hurting and that unfortunately, is you.

I know it sounds arrogant and vain to actually love yourself but I do believe that once you are happy with yourself you will be able to accept compliments. Why do you feel unworthy of a compliment, why shouldn;t someone think you are attractive or intelligent or good at your job or a good mum. Like you said to OW in respect to forgiveness, a compliment is a gift for you to receive not for you to reject

As for the cynics, who cares what they think. It is only what you believe that matters. Maybe your H isn't a leopard who has to change his spots, he may not be a womaniser, he may be a man who just took advantage of an opportunity. Regardless of what he is, it isn't for anyone else to decide or to judge you for your choices. Listening to other peoples opinion gives you a perpspective that you may not be seeing but, it doesn't mean they are right.

Do you know, it really grieves me that people think things can't happen without something or someone being to blame. Sometimes, things just happen. They may happen for a reason other than a problem, another reason that things may happen, and one which I firmly believe in, is to teach us something, to put us on a different path. We learn something from everthing that happens to us, whether it be good or bad. If you won the lottery people wouldn't say it's because you had problems in your marriage, they wouldn't associate a good thing that happened with a bad thing so why, because your husband had an affair does it have to be due to problems within your marriage. It doesn't. End of.
When I look at my life and everything that has happened to me I think the only reason it has happened is to make me wiser and teach me something that I can pass on to someone else.

You should be proud that you had a good marriage before this happened, you should be proud that you have managed to get things back on track.

Sorry for the blunt end to my post. DD is home today due to the teachers strike, she was just enjoying a vanilla slice and dropped it, icing side down on the carpet! Bless her little cotton socks. She is now enjoying a cream cracker with cheese!

Thanks that all makes sense - not sure if i am going to follow it all to the letter though .

I liked your thought about winning the lottery - you are right we do tend to find a reason for bad things.

I do try not to worry what others think but i do want to repect that it is 'everyones' world and i dont like to do just as i please depite what others think - i just think this is a trait of mine - i do think what others think (not usually in a negative way - that makes me sound as if i am 'keeping up with the jones'' - which i certainly am not!!). Hope that makes sense.

I know that by thinking of ow i am only hurting myself (is this a form of self harm?). But i am getting better - i used to look up her stars (hoping they would tell me she was having a tough time) but i can honestly say i have not looked at them for ages now - so thats a good thing surely.

I know it will be so much easier when he leaves and she will well and truely be out of our lives (she is still trying her best to get to him at work - and he hates it).

We have so much planned to do this year together - and i do think sometimes it is because we both want time to move on and for so much to have happened since it all.

Anyway thanks for your help today it really does mean so much to me.

{grin] I knew you were going to say that abput following the advice through to th eletter, I almost posted that ' I know you won't do it though'

I suppose thinking about the OW is a form of self torture. I bet it happens more though when you are feeling low or a bit under par,(dare I say depressed ) again, it's a form of projection isn't it. You don't have a reason for how you are feeling so you associate it with her. If she hadn't have happened you would have asociated it with something else. You could try retraining your brain, it does work, I have mine well trained now (but even I do have the odd slip up!)

Be prepared though, when H leaves his job, leaves her behind, it may not have the effect on you that you are hoping for. I really hope it does, I hope it is the end of all of your worries but, you might just find that your feelings are directed to another area of your marriage, that it gves rise to other feelings of insecurity. I am not saying it will, just that you should be prepared for it, it will 'telling time' of how far you have really come. If I were you I would start working on myself, my self esteem and my confidence, I would get myself in the best possible place mentally and physically. You will sail through anything then

TFM, you are cooking with gas!

Hello everyone, so so so sorry I haven't been around the last couple of weeks.

Work is truly crazy and not about to let up any. I have developed a horrible attack of tonsilitis and I feel utterly disgusting.

Took dd away for a long weekend last weekend and H joined us. I had a lovely time, dd had an absolute blast and H seemed relaxed too. TBH it was just easy, relaxed and friendly. No big emotional dramas and it was refreshing to see H step up to the plate and be a proper daddy adn not just swoop in with gifts and excitement and leave again. He parented 50/50 with me on both good and bad.

I had no great revelations to pursue divorce or desire to reconcile - it was a bit weird really.

ASBO neighbours are still being a pain and I am trying to fit househunting in to everything else.

the work trip to the US is next week.

TFM I will email before I go I promise. I just feel so rotten at the moment.

Hope everyone else is doing okay. Happy Fabulous Birthday for Saturday Baffy!

Wey Hey! PC! Lovely to 'see' you

don;t stress yourself out re the email, I know you have a lot on at the moment, I will wait patiently I am just glad yo had a good time and, FWIW I don't think how you feel with regards to divorce/reconciliation is weird at all, I think it's fabulous! It's great! It shows you are in a good place, not angry and not desperate for closure or a solution. You are just 'happening' and that is sooooo good! Trust me xxx

It is a bit like self tourture. Not sure it is related to feeling low as sometimes i just sit and brood and know i am going to make myself feel worse - like if i go back and look at old emails (like picking a scab - just need to make sure it is still there), feels good for a bit then feels rotten so i hate myself for doing it - vicious circle i know. And before you tell me to delete the messages i am now as i go - still cant delete her number from my phone though - just seem to need some information on her 'just in case' i justify it as i never invited her into my life so i have a right to be in hers someway (oh god does that make me a mental case?).

I know him moving jobs will not solve all our problems - but i think it is the waiting for it to happen - thats me being impatient again i guess - just want to get on with the next stage (whatever it may bring).

I am trying to work on myself - looking into doing more work once DD is at school and was trying to get fit - had to stop for a couple of weeks due to tests.

There is just a part of me that will not believe iam really worth much.

HW, if you can't believe you are worth 'that much', how do you expect others to believe that? you have got to realise your self worth. I read your posts and what you write about H and you have nothing but love and admiration for him, why can't you look at yourself through those same eyes? Why do you believe that you deserve less from yourself than you give to him? Tell me what it is about yourself that is so bad that you don't deserve the best!

You know, even I like to wallow sometimes, I like to feel the pain and torture myself with my thoughts. It serves it's purpose in that when you come out of it you are reminded how much you have grown, how far you have come. How? For the simple fact that you have come out of it, you have spent a short while wallowing and being a victim but you are not living your whole life as a victim.

And no, you are not a mental case, you are just desperatley seeking solutions for your feelings, you are trying to rationalize everything in anyway you can. The thing is though HW, whilever you are in her life, no matter how that may be, she is in yours too.

PC great to see you. Sorry you're not well and busy at work, but your weekend away sounds lovely

Keep up the good work TFM. HW you are amazing and one day you'll realise that.

I am having to leave work early today. Had a blazing row today with H (as he hasn't paid me back some money he owes me and I found out he was out drinking last night! ) On top of that, he refuses to get a solicitor and says he won't sign anything that comes to him. He's on another planet!

He won't give up OW. Can't explain why. But won't give up the contact.

And now can't understand why I don't want to spend my birthday with him and let him take me to the op.

I'm literally shaking with rage. I've held it together in work but I need to leave and have this out with him. I swear he isn't going to know what has hit him! He's f*cked me around for the last time and he is welcome to OW! He's just not dragging me and ds down with him. I won't let it happen! If I have to send my dad and brothers round to make him sign the papers he will be out of my life as soon as possible. No question.

Will update you tonight xx

Stay strong Baffy. He is pushing your buttons and he knows it. I would let the solicitor handle all the divorce stuff, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he was controlling me like this.

Please may I ask a question if he agreed to give up OW would you still be going ahead with the divorce? Does he know the answer to this? Maybe he thinks you are pushing for the divorce because of OW and not because you no longer have feelings for him IYSWIM. I think he is maybe pushing his luck. Tell him you are pregnant and are getting married again, see if he signs them then!

Keep smiling, he isn't worth all the wrinkles that the frowning will cause xxx

Oh baffy - what a pratt - i agree with TFM (when dont i? ), and let the solicitors sort it out and dont give him the satifaction of knowing how this is affecting you. Is there anyone who could call him pretending to be a solicitor to 'scare' him into it. I would love to do it for you but i dont know enough legal jargon. Or could you send a 'pretend' email to your solicitor and copy him in?

I wouldnt be at all surprised if ow is 'telling' him to do these things to see your reaction either - she seems to have some kind of control over him. Surely it would be in her best interests for him to be divorced too .

Do take care though and have a wonderful birthday with all the people who really matter in your life.

Maybe we need to start planning another meet up to focus all our minds.

PC Hi - hope you will be feeling better soon! Don't worry about your 'weird' feelings about H - just enjoy the fact that he's being a proper dad - for once !

HW - I hope TFM isn't going to bill you for this amazingly good counselling session .

TFM - can I get you on the National Health??

Baffy, in case I don't come online tomorrow, more pratt him, more great lady you! Let the solicitor take the strain. Nice formal letters are probably best, don't get involved personally.

And have a FABULOUS birthday - don't give him a thought!

Nothing much to report here. DP & I still being nice to each other, nothing said about DD's birthday. I SHALL tackle him about it, but each day that passes without him acknowledging the event makes it worse. AND I paid to get him a really nice card for her .

I'm just being cowardly - don't want to spoil the mood by asking him about last weekend - but I feel I must for DD's sake. Hoping to get a moment when he's relaxed or maybe meet him after work tomorrow and take him for a walk in the park on the way home.

Tanee, I wouldn't want to spoil the mood either. Yes, by discussing last weekend you will feel better but in the long run, will it serve to help the relationship or will it set it back again? You can rest assured that the moment will arise when you can discuss it without it causing any damage, would you say that now is that time? The last thing you want is for him to get all defensive and start being a pratt again, enjoy the peace

You're right - I AM afraid of him getting defensive. If it were just about me, I'd let it go (though I would like him to apologise for the train incident and acknowledge that it really upset me). I'm more concerned for the damage it's done to DD's relationship with him - which has been so carefully built up over the last 5 years. A little acknowledge by him of her b'day would mean so much - to her AND to me. Also, I don't like her seeing us being nice to each other again and thinking that I'm happy to let this go. Trouble is, after the negative feelings towards her that he's expressed recently, I really don't want to wind up in an argument.

Ooh, it's so hard...

Maybe I should leave it till he's gone to Gloucester - when he's actually not in her vicinity, he may feel more able to talk?

Mmm, this is a tricky one Tanee. I can understand you wanting to let him know the hurt he has caused dd but, what do you think will happen when you try to talk to him? Will there ever be a good time to talk to him about this do you think? Maybe you would be better talking to dd for now, reassuring her that you know how she must be feeling and that just because she see's you and dp being civil it doesn't mean you are going to let it go. I do wonder if you are wanting to talk to him more for dd's sake than your own, that if it were just about you you would let it go.

I think you should organise a nice tea for dd at a time when dp is at home, make a big fuss of her and make it clear that you are making it up to her for his behaviour, without actually saying anything. Just drop big hints at why you are doing it. With any luck he will get the message and make his own apologies without you having to coax him into it

There's more than one way to skin a cat Tanee xx

Hi. You've been a busy bee today TFM
PC hope you feel better soon. Tonsilitus is horrible isn't it. Glad you had a good weekend away. Maybe the fact that you had such a good weekend means that you are getting over him. I realised with my ex that I was totally over him when I stopped feeling angry or bitter and just accepted things the way they were. Its much easier to feel that way.
HW - I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. Definitely time for another meet up, if only so we can all give you a real life hug!!
Baffy - what a shitbag. No wonder you're Don't let him spoil your birthday though. Who does he think he is wanting to spend it with you? He obviously doesn't like it that you are moving on and not including him in your life any more but what on earth does he expect?
Tannee - you're not a coward, just enjoying the calm after the storm. Sometimes you have to pick your battles and you will know when's the right time to bring this up. He should apologise to your dd though and he probably knows that deep down.
Dior - how is your friend? Lucky you found her. Keep us posted.

Message withdrawn

Good news about your friend Dior

Well I went to see him. I lost it a few times I'm afraid! No less than he deserved and about time probably! I made it 100% clear that it's over and he has no choice but to sign the papers. I've said no contact anymore except essential stuff about ds.
He can see ds but all passing him over has to be done via grandparents and we communicate with them rather than each other.

I've said I never want to see him again (which is how I feel right now) and he is 100% not to get in contact on my birthday or I will literally kill him! I'm not having him spoil my birthday.

I am pretty devastated. He made it clear that although he doesn't love OW, he wants her in his life, even if that means losing me.

How I'll come to terms with him choosing that slapper over me and his son I'm not quite sure.

I guess I can feel confident in the knowledge that whatever they have, it won't last (she hopes!).

But why would I want to be with a man who thinks I'm worthless and who can't put marriage and children before a bit of excitement?! I wouldn't would I.

I just wanted to win I think and I wanted a chance to save my marriage and prove I could be everything he wanted.

But that's the problem! He doesn't want what I have to offer as it's too good for him!

A cheap thrill and an ego boost seems to do the trick instead! Well if that's what he wants he can have it!

I really am starting my 30s as I mean to go on.

He's not going to know what's hit him!! And from this point on, I really do think the easiest way forward is no contact at all. Then he can't say the right things and I can't see glimpses of the old H. I can focus on all the shit, and slowly move him and slut guts out of my head.

I'm sorry I picked such a spineless tw*t of a man to be my son's father! But I'll get it right next time!!

Good for you baffy - i think you are right with the no contact at the moment. It will help you get over him quicker too. He will always be in your life and she will just have to accept that - she will not like that in the future i am sure.

I know all about the 'winning' situation and i do think it is a trap too many fall into. It is the natural instinct at the time when all your emotions are in such a mess. If you read any of my posts yesterday i think i am still questioning my reasons for having h back - it is not always easy. I so dont want to always throw this back in his face but the tempation is huge sometimes. And i know i still stuggle with myself - thinking i was an idiot to let him get away with it. Although those days are usually less often now.

I have a house full this weekend - we have a couple of spanish students as my son went on an exchange. We are hoping to go to London for a bit of sightseeing.

Hey Dior - would you fancy a car journey with me and TFM then?.

Hope you are feeling better soon PC

And thankyou everyone for your kind words this week they have helped me to stop overthinkig.

Have a good weekend everyone if i dont get to post as much as yesterday.

Morning HW, you sound more positive today . Hope you have a lovely time in London - it looks like the weather will be better too. I think we all feel worse when it's cold - and it was FREEZING last weekend.

Baffy, I'm so sad for you that H has decided to support OW over you - even when it means losing you completely. Well, he's made his choice, he MUST sign the papers now - otherwise what exactly is the point? And oh yes, he WILL regret it - but at least knowing this means you can finally start to move on. You will have a wonderful 30s - whatever happens, it will be a new life, new adventures, and you have your gorgeous little ds beside you. At least H has given you him .

TFM & GU, thanks so so much for the wise words. All of you and my RL friend really helped me get through a difficult week. . I intend buying a record token today and suggesting gently to DP that he pop it in the card & give it to her over the weekend - I really hope he'll be man enough to. If he isn't willing, I can just spend it on something for her myself whenever, and no harm done. Good idea about the nice tea. DP was talking about doing piri piri chicken over the weekend. Perhaps we can treat it as a belated birthday dinner - and he borrowed a DVD from the library yesterday that he thought she might like to watch with us - a biog of the singer with Joy Division - so I think that he IS thinking of making it up to her, if only subliminally - at least - I hope so.

I probably won't be on the computer later, so Baffy, here's lots of birthday wishes and BIG hugs !!!!

Morning everyone

Baffy, what can I say. I am totally baffled by the behaviour of GW. I can only think that he has developed some kind of mental health problem. He really has given you no choice but to go the way you are going. I think no contact at all with him is a good idea, you don't want his attitude towards you and your marriage to change your own attitude, you don't want to become a bitter, twisted old hag do you? Let him rot and you get on with your flirty thirties! xx

HW I hope you are feeling more positive about things today. I am keeping my fingers crossed that you get your results soon. You seem to have a lot to keep you busy and your mind occupied over the weekend!

Tanee, the piri piri chicken sounds delicious and i think it would be great if dp could make the meal a celebration for dd. The record token is a lovely idea too. I hope it all comes together for you

Dior I am glad your friend is seeming better today. This week has seen a few things get sorted all round. Lets hope that next week is a good one for everyone.

Lots of love to everyone else xxx

Good on you Baffy..it may not have been the outcome you wanted but at least you are calling the shots now. I do think not seeing someone when you are in this situation makes it easier otherwise its like constantly rubbing salt into the wound and you are back to stage 1 again.

Even if you dont see the guy you saw at the races again, you now know there are nice guys out there...enjoy them for those of us who are cant (think MY DH might object LOL) If you met someone at 30 you could live till 80...thats 50 years with the same person aaaaargh (still I was the queen of the 1 month relationship when I was single LOL..didnt like the shoes he wore he was out, didnt like his taste in music he was out - got a good one in the end though!)

I suspect that SG may find GW less attractive once you are divorced. I remember working with a really insecure girl years ago she was seeing a married man and said "when hes with me it makes me feel special as he has chosen me over his wife" WHAT....no dear hes just a prat and not really worth having!!