Fab & Glam Part 4 - Spring into Happiness!

[Paddlechick666]

Good Lord people, we've filled a thread up in about 6 weeks!

Anyways, here's a link to the venue Tanee suggested for a picnic:

www.coramsfields.org/index.php

Looks fabulous so let's get planning!

ps: sorry for London/Southern centric take on this but we'll plan hits around the rest of the country too I promise.

pps: Lily, get yer butt on FB woman!

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HW I am really sorry you are going through all of this, I really am BUT, I am pleased that you are showing how you really feel, not just about this but about H. You have done so blooming well, you have tried so hard to take responsibility for yourself, to change yourself, your life and to forgive h. It's only by reading between the lines sometimes that I can sense that you still hurt very much. I know that what you are going through with this scare is separate from your issues with h but I am so pleased to see that you are directing anger at him, it's long overdue. I think this is probably projected anger, you are scared, this is something you have no control over and he is copping the brunt of it It's all completely understandable.

I think that, just as was H's affair, this health scare will also be life changing for you, I think that all of this will give you a fresh outlook on your whole situation. I think you will probably reassesseverything and you will be true to yourself.

I don't believe that how you are feeling now means you are not over it, personally I don't think you are over it. I worry sometimes that you have tried so hard to forgive h and to keep your family together that you have buried a lot of your feelings, that you haven't allowed yourself to 'feel'.

I don't think you have to forgive h, not yet anyway, that will come with time when you have worked through things within yourself. Maybe forgive is the wrong word, maybe you will never forgive but, there will come a time when you find it doesn't bother you as much, that's when you will find you have let go and maybe then forgiveness will follow. It could take a long time though and it shouldn't be forced or rushed. You have to go through each stage of the process, you can't skip any stage because it will just come back later and bite you on the bum!

My advice to you right now would be to put yourself first, your own needs first. Mollycoddle yourself, wallow, whatever it takes, use all your strength to look after yourself and don't bother even trying to be strong for h. Don't feel guilty or bad for anything you feel towards him right now. Don't try to be strong and don't try to analyse why this has happened.

You have been very generous with your understanding and your 'forgiveness' of H but now it's about you!. You need to use every ounce of your strength to fight this.

Of course, not yet being qualified I could be talking a whole load of bllck* so please forgive me if anything I said was out of order

Thinking of you xxx

TFM, God you are good - that post to HW is just amazing. I really hope that you are looking into counselling courses, because I think that you have a huge potential to help so very many people out there.... And roses hey!!? Quite right too

HW, I agree that the anger coming out has to be a good thing. It can't stay buried, it has to come out sooner or later. When do you go back now? I am thinking of you.

lilyloo how's dd doing now after injections? my niece (now 5m) was a nightmare, bless her, didn't stop screaming!

Baffy, how exciting to have your eye op! I don't know that I would want to be that dependant on h if I was in your position, but I do know that I would want someone there. Is there really no-one else that's free?? I totally understand that you want someone there. Lol at being finally able to see h!!!

Glad you understand the kissing the friend thing! So tell us more, what happened?! You are so gorgeous I bet you have a queue of men wanting to take you out. As for my friend, I don't think it can be much more than this, because I've known him for years, and never felt anything for him. But must admit that this week I can't stop thinking about him it's very weird. It's probably just the adrenaline, and the shock of it rather than the fact that I like him. I am seeing him tomorrow night - we are killing time together before we go to a party which starts at 10.30pm, for one of my shows which ends on Saturday. So plenty of potential for alcohol, getting a bit pissed and probably kissing again...... I really know it's not a good idea, but I bet it'll happen!

As for your mystery man, I bet something will happen to throw the two of you together again in some way. Have you checked Facebook and Friends Reunited properly, like for shortened names etc?

Tanee, glad to hear you sounding more upbeat. Think you should definitely encourage dp into doing something to recognise dd's birthday..... that's not fair on her

Ginnedup, I like your name!! THink you should keep it. Thanks re dd! That's really nice of you.

Dior, I can understand how worried you are about your friend. You are so lovely to be so caring for her, she will be very grateful when she gets over this and realises just what you've done for her. I'm afraid I have absolutely no experience of this, so don't really know what to say. I hope someone would be as good as this to me, should the same thing happen..... And I do love my job... I'm very lucky, I know. But if any of you ever want free theatre tickets you should let me know as I can normally sort some out.

Ah I've missed you all, it's nice to be 'back'!!

It was the loop thing - the dr said about 90% come back as clear (but then went on to say he knew mine wouldnt ). It is the little bit of knowledge that makes it all the more scary ifkwim. He is hardly likely to turn around and say 'hey dont book that holiday as i dont think you will make it' is he? Its the waiting game and no-one will tell me when i will know the results. I phoned the hospital and all they said was 'they are busy and sometimes letters dont get done as quickly as they should. I then got quite shirty and said i wish i had paid to go bloody private (even though the nhs go me in quicker .)

Its like the leaflets they send you in the first place .... blah blah blah very few people have problems, only a few have to have loop ect. Dont panic .... waste of time i seem to be in the minority all the time.

Thanks for all your kind words anyway and thanks TFM i suspect you are right as usual. I feel this is not real at the moment and i know that a lot of what i am thinking is my over-active brain which switches on at 1am, i am so very tired and forcing myself to just get on with things.

I think you are right - i am going to really think about my life. I have wasted a lot of time and energy thinking about others and although i have responisbilities i am going to think about my needs more now and start to really plan my life for me (lets just hope there is a lot of it left to plan ).

I have already started to plant my new garden and i have to say it is already taking shape nicely - now all i need is to get someone to get rid of the 'old' lawn and lay a nice new one. (this is because we have merged two gardens into one - so it is not me just wanting to splash the cash - it really does need an overhaul). TFM i wish you could come and give me a hand we cannot get anyone to help even with offering bucket loads of cash (well almost anyway).

Anyway i will let you all know and thanks for all the good wishes - i will now take your advice and pour a large glass of white for myself.

Just dont understand why i cant shift the weight either .

And heres a bit more anger - no mention in the forementioned leaflets that swimming and sex were not allowed for a month after this - good thing i hadnt planned a romantic weekend away - but feel , that it is not mentioned before.

And who knows i could have been a swimming instructor for a living .

Also do you think i will EVER feel sexy again?

Wow I missed a lot today!

I have some good news - my youngest sister has changed her shift in work specially to come with me for the op and has arranged for my uncle to take us there and pick us up she's wonderful! I'm so lucky to have my family
Thanks for all the advice Tanee it's really useful xx

TFM - Roses! All I can say is about time!

lily I'm not spilling any more beans on the kiss! You have enough excitement for all of us!!
I want all the gossip from Saturday!

Ginnedup thanks so much for the offer to come with me - if you lived closer I'd have definitely taken you up on that!!

HW it's 100% natural that the thought of sex, and feeling sexy, is a million miles away from anything you can contemplate right now. Sex is the thing that caused you so much heartache re H's affair. And also the thing that has brought you to be in this awful position.
So it's no wonder you feel the way you do. In fact I be worried if you didn't feel like that.

You will get through this. And you will feel sexy again one day. Hopefully with a brand new lease of life and your priorities all in order. It really is time that you come first. Don't question how you feel too much. The point is that you feel the way you do for good reasons, and everyone around you who loves you, H, your family and friends, us... we will all be there every step of the way to make sure you're ok xx

Thanks baffy - now i have started the day off crying .

You and TFM should be a double act with the counselling - you are brilliant.

Did actually get a bit better sleep last night though - i think it was all the shopping i did yesterday with a friend.

Just waiting for the postman now - he will wonder what i am up to these next few days .

HW once you start to be who you really want to be for you, not for h, once you start being you and not who you think h wants you to be or, how you feel you have to be for h to want you, once you feel totally happy with you, thats when you will feel sexy again. You may look just the same, weigh the same, nothing externally may have changed but, you will found contentment an dhappiness within yourself.

That is what all of us Teabags should be aiming for. Yes, it's great having a man in your life but somehow, they suck the bloody life out of you. No matter how good or how bad the relationship, something happens, we end up giving ourselves over to them, making every effort to make them happy, we forget about ourselves.

I feel at my happiet and at my sexiest when I have th mind of an independent and capable woman. When I am doing things for me, when I am making decisions for me, when I treat P as a totally seperate being who is capable of and responsible for his own happiness. Just because I live with him does not mean I am responsible for him, in any way! Basically, I have the mindset of a single woman and it's great! It's very liberating. So sod the men! Yes, enjoy the benefits but, don't allow yourself to get sucked in by taking care of them. They are big boys and they can bloody well take care of themselves. And if they don't like not being taken are of then they are not the men for us are they? The Teabags have turned!

HW I would love to have helped you with your garden, I would have done it for free! I'm just waiting for the dry weather so that I can plant my summer bulbs. I'm going to mark where i plant them with little sticks so that I can dig them all up and take them with me if I leave

It's good that you are enjoying your garden, you should immerse yourself in it and try to take your mind off things for a while. Stop trying to be so bloody strong too! Thats a TFM order! Take yourself off somewhere quiet and have a good think and a good cry. Allow yourself to feel!
I must say though, I think that doctor was very irresposible to say what she did. How can she tell what it is by just looking at it. It could be a polyp that has taken root and is growing for all it's worth. (You didn't lose a daffy bulb when you were planting for spring did you? )

Baffy, thats really good news about your sister, I'm glad you won't be alone.

Lily, Thank you! I would love to see the counselling thing through, I really would, the price of it all is a bit . I am still looking into things though. I have the bee in my bonnet now It's good to have you back!

Lots of love to everyone else xxx

Thanks TFM

I know you are right - and in theory is the answer. The trouble is the children - over the years you are right i have some of the life sucked out of me. All be it willingly - i wanted to look after the children and support h in his career and still benifit from the freedom of not working. But it has been such a long time since i was just me i am not sure i exist anymore - i have all these others to think about, and as much as i dream about what i want - the reality is i cant just get up and go and do what i want.

And before you all jump up and say - oh yes you can. Until i know what i want i am sort of stuck.

That sounds very depressing doesnt it? But i am not unhappy - in fact most of the time i am very happy, but i am also a realist. I have 4 school age children a home, garden pets, other family members ........ to consider.

I know i cant change the past in any way - i have to live for now and forge my own future.
I know all the theory about setting goals and taking small steps towards it - i am just not sure what my main goal is.

I do live a very fast paced life and we have loads of projects on the go all the time, sometimes too much. At the moment it is the garden and our bedroom.
We have a very busy house most of the time with family and friends and childrens friends always here. I am not moaning about this as i do not want to give up any of it and do not want anyone else to 'live' my life. Often the answer is - get someone to help you do this and that.... but again i do acutully love it.

My LO starts school in sept full time and i will have more time to sort myself out then.

All this has however made me appriciate what i do have and i am so much better at putting me first.

Thanks for listening again.

No HW, it doesn't sound depressing at all. I can totally relate to what you say. I too am not unhappy with my life, I also enjoy everything I do BUT, everything I do is for everyone else. Yes, I get pleasure from it but, there is that little bit of 'something' I just can't put my finger on. IYSWIM.

Do you think sometimes that we feel we should have something just for ourselves, because our lives are so wrapped up in everyones else's. We love wht we have but it doesn't feel like 'ours' because it involves every man and his dog!

This might sound really barmey but I think as long as my mind is my own, as long as I know how I feel, what I want and I can maintain my independence 'up there', then I'm ok. I'm not lost. Thats because I know it's my choice, not something I'm doing because I feel I have to. I don't know if this is making sense or not but I know what I mean

As for goals, I'm not sure I like the thought of having a 'goal'. I like the freedom to change my mind and to live for the moment. I don't want something set in stone. If you are too focussed on your goal then there may be a tendency to miss whats right in front of your face or not enjoy what could pop up out of the blue. I like to wake up on a morning and take each day as it comes. I like the element of surprise that each day brings. I suppose my goal is just to be me and to be happy, one day at a time. I refuse to set myself up for a fall these days

I know what I want to say to you but, never having met you and only having read your posts, I may be way off mark. It's more to do with internal stuff than outward stuff. More about allowing yourself to feel, the freedom of your thoughts, feelings and mind rather than just taking off for a day and leaving your kids with H while you live the life of a woman with no responsibilities. I read every single one of your posts in different threads and I just pick up such a mixture of emotions coming from you, and sometimes a conflict of emotions. I am going to shut up about that now though cos I could be wrong

Just be true to yourself in your own mind, then you really will have it all xx

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Thanks

That does sound a bit like me too, i love my life most of the time and i think if it was 100%of the time it would be wierd.

I too try and take each day at a time and find lovely things in it just for me. But whilst i like that - my mind is my own i a prefer to 'share' it with others.

I had a lovely conversation with my son last night - he is a bit of a deep thinker too and it is lovely to hear him talk about how he thinks - sometimes it is so childish but lovely to see his adult thinking too. He has a lot of life lessons to learn and it is great that he is sharing that with me - and lovely that he values my opionion and thoughts, - that is pure love and no-one will be able to take that away - there that was my fantastic moment yesterday. And even better he is helping in the garden too - doing all the hard work stuff. Hands off him ladies he is mine and i pity the poor girl who tries to take him away - no-one will be good enough for him. I will be the MIL from hell no doubt .

PS TFM i have found something where we are not alike - i hate camping!! I blame it on a school trip to wales in october when it snowed so much and we had to re-pitch in the middle of the night.
Its also one of the things h and i have in common - he hates it too, its en-suite all the way for us.
However our poor deprived children are desperate for us to take them and we often get the guilt trip about how awful we are as parents for not going camping as real families do!!!! Can you ever win?

Thanks dior - you may regret that as i am not very good company at the moment but you sound like a fantastic friend to have - so thankyou. We will have that lunch soon and we can have a laugh at how silly i am being.

Something to look forward to - going to royal ascot so need to start planning - oh yeah and get back on the diet.

Camping! Did I say I liked camping!! I must have been joking! You won't find me in anything without a plug socket! (hairdryer, straighteners, toothbrush, the list is endless!) BUT, I do love caravans, I love em! In fact, I might retire to a caravan, in a field, on a hill with far reaching views.....ahh bliss!

Your son sounds lovely HW. I love my daughters and my son equally but, I love talking to my son about 'things', he too is very deep but he is so wise and sensible. He makes me feel loved and cared about in a non slushy kind of way. Mind you, he can be a right Kevin too! He is 16 now and I am very proud of him

Thanks Dior, I will keep the single woman mindset, I draw the line at bridget jones pants though, am leaving that to Baffy!

No diets HW! Just healthy eating. No more self torture!

Sorry -yes i do remember you saying you enjoyed caravans - fortunately that is 'not allowed' by h as his Dad used to be a caravan saleman and loved them. I did have caravan holidays as a child and loved them so maybe we are being a bit mean to not take the dcs - but it is a pact that h and i have and when we went on a safari many years ago (last big holiday before dcs) we opted for luxury all the way much to everyones disgust.

My son is 15 and signs up for as many of the adventure trips involving camping as he can with school. He is doing his DofE too so he gets lots of chances.

Of course i love all my children equally too but in different ways and my son is so like me in thinking it is lovely to see his independent mind developing. He is closer to me than h too and so comes to me with all his problems (as if they have any at that age!!!) Not had too many 'kevin' episodes.

Ooooh prepare yourself HW! I thought I has escaped the Kevin stage but he waited until just before he turned 16 and let me have it with both barrels I blame the hormones He is going to make someone a grand wife though, I've taught him well.

As for your H HW, maybe a good old caravan holiday is just what he is short of

Err not sure he would agree it is a caravan holiday he needs, but he will be permantly living in one if he steps out of line again and that is enough to scare him. At least i know he will be 'safe' with you - you could offer him a weekend in a caravan and he would be running all the way home to me.

Seriously though dont want to go h bashing as he is being really fantastic at the moment, and he has got another job to go to now so he can leave (but they will make it bloody hard i am sure).

HW I never hear you H bashing! I hear you OW bashing but not H bashing. Thats why I'm glad he has copped some anger now!

Believe me he has had his fair share - and at least i got to see his pain so it made it easier to move on from it with him.

Wonder if i could have had the same chance to vent my anger at her in real life i would have been further on? Come on counsellor TFM there must be a solution. Would it have been better to have gone and punched her at the time(as i did him - well throwing a hot cup of tea across the room at him - several times). I think that is why it is harder to get past that anger towards her - just wish i could see some evidence of her pain - does that make sense.
I think you worry too much about my bottled up anger .

You are right, I do! Not so much about your bottled up anger but I do worry sometimes that you love this man so much and you want to keep your family together so badly that you are prepared to 'overlook' certain feelings. Not intentionally, just in an effort to make everything alright and get back on track. (but of course I could be wrong again BUT, I have a a real feeling that there is something I am not putting my finger on and I won't give up looking for it until I have found it!

As for the solution, I don't think there is an immediate solution, in fact there may not be one at all. It may be that you just have to work through it, accecpting, allow yourself to feel, until such a time you feel it less IYSWIM. When you feel it less then you have moved on, you are in a new phase.

I don't think punching her or confronting her would have done you any good in the long run. It may have caused you even more problems, she would have had a voice and you may not have liked what she had to say, it may not have been true but it would have played on your mind, it would have given you something else to feel angry and upset about so no, I think the damage was limited by not talking to her or punching her lights out.

I know you may not like me saying this but, I think all of your anger should be directed at H, he was the one who owed you the loyalty, he had the responsibility towards you and your children, he had the choice over his actions. She owed you nothing, she didn't have a duty towards you, he did. I am so sorry at how blunt that sounds and by saying it I am not unsympathetic at how you feel, I am. I think how you feel is totally understandable. But the thing is, if your anger is misdirected you are less likely to move on. If you are directing your anger at a woman who you don't have any contact with, that you are unable to talk to and who won't have any real insight as to why your H slpet with her, then nothing is going to get solved. You are always going to be angry.

To get through this you need to be able to work through it in a 'workable' way. Do you feel you have had all the answers you need from H or do you think you have let him off to a certain extent to avoid upsetting the applecart. Do you feel that you should have got over it by now and so don't like to bring it up? Do you feel H would be upset by you wanting to talk about it? Are there things that prey on your mind and will continue to prey on your mind until you have the answers, do you bury those things because although you want to know you don't really want to know. Are you feeling less strong inside than you like H to think you are? I sometimes think that you try to find all the answers yourself, you look to yourself and at yourself.

I also do sometimes wonder if the anger you direct at OW is projected anger, in the same way that you are angry at your health situation at the moment at H is copping it.

Tell you what, if you were my client you would certainly make me earn my money

Hope none of the above upsets or offends you, like I said, having never met you or spoken to you I can only surmise

HW, her pain will never be evident to you and nor should it be important. Your happiness and the success of your relationship will have caused her pain. BUT, do you think that you could have tried so hard to get over this and back on track with H in an effort to show her she has lost (for want of a better expression, words not flowing so easily today)

What I mean is, in English, do you think that your determination to keep your h could have been a lot to do with not letting her win. If you had let him go then she would have been deemed the 'winner'. I know you love him, that is evident, it is also eveident that you want your family to be together but maybe, that determination is what has subconsciously allowed you to 'skip' a stage or two in the healing process. Does that make sense? I know what I mean anyway

You are a strong woman HW, I wonder if you took all this own thinking you were strong enough to deal with it, whatever it threw at you, you would cope! You would deal with it for yourself and H also. x

Spot on TFM - you would be a millionare by the time you finished with me .

H is fantastic very rarely gets angry if i want to talk (i think i get more angry with myself) Yes i do to a certain extent think i should be over it by now - i am fed up with it and i am sure most others are.

I am glad i have learnt a lot about myself and although as i said it is difficult to change much at the moment i know my boundaries much more than i did. I try to use what i have learnt to help others - hence this site and all the wonderful friends i have met.

I think i am angry at her not because of the sleeping with him (anyone can drop their knickers) but because she considered herself a friend (and any friend would not have tried to hurt his family in this way). When i found out i asked her in a nice friendly way to respect me and tell me if he came back to her (she agreed - and i agreed to not make trouble for her at work - at the time she was terrified as she was in the middle of a big project). So i think i hate her as a woman for that more than the affair. I suppose if she were to somehow acknowledge that she could have 'stopped' my pain in some way and say sorry for that i would be able to forgive her. I did talk to her a couple of times and one of the times i said i would forgive her in time as i did not want to be a twisted old hag. Her repley was that she did not want my forgiveness - i said it was not hers to reject it was my gift to give - she then put the phone down.

I am intriged to know what it is you are going to put your finger on - just ask away any questions i dont think i have anything to hide.

Yes i certainly think i did 'cling-on' for a while just to be the winner and show her she was no match for me.

I have tried so hard to get my life back to how i want it (and sometimes i do think i try too hard).

I really dont give her as much thought as i used to and my diary is evidence of that - it has helped me see my progress - it is the 'dark' days that catch me unawares that make me wonder all over again.

I think i did a lot of things wrong now - but its all about going forward now and when h leaves his job it will be a great new start and it looks as if money is not such an issue after all - he really is bloody good at what he does and i dont think he always realises it. I think i should have been stronger at the time and 'insisted' he leaves - however at least this way i know it is what he want and not just him doing it for me.

My self esteem is still very shaky and i do still get very needy at times (which is a vicious circle as i hate being like that).

I am not good at accepting compliments and i know i need to work on that too.

Thanks for your help - we could all be your case studies for your course if you want.

What i meant to say though is that whilst away with h i had a moment where i thought about the future and i really wanted him in it, we are a fantastic team and a great family unit.

I know many will say there must have been problems in our marriage before the affair - but i really dont think they were any different to the usual niggles. I dont want to 'cut my nose off to spite my face' over this and although i will never be happy about what happened i will also never change it (by staying or going).

There have been so many good things to come out of it - h has certainly learnt about himself too - i do believe he has changed his spots depite what all the cynics will be saying.
But i think i too have changed and i will never be the 'little' woman at home again, who will put up with whatever he wants.

We dont take each other for granted anywhere near as much now - i think i fee nervous as it is great most of the time and i worry as i know how low i can get and so i am scard to be 'too' happy again - does that make sense?