Fab & Glam Part 4 - Spring into Happiness!

[Paddlechick666]

Good Lord people, we've filled a thread up in about 6 weeks!

Anyways, here's a link to the venue Tanee suggested for a picnic:

www.coramsfields.org/index.php

Looks fabulous so let's get planning!

ps: sorry for London/Southern centric take on this but we'll plan hits around the rest of the country too I promise.

pps: Lily, get yer butt on FB woman!

Congratulations cash

morning all, i forgot the clocks!

neighbours relatively quiet and at least his room is below mine so dd not disturbed.

no word from H, no surprise there then.

TFM am that he just starts talking to you again like that well done for standing up to him and sticking to your guns! Which must be hard after hearing about what he did to his ex. So glad to hear his mum being so supportive of you. for your ds.

PC really sorry things have turned out like this ith neighbours. DP said you had been in touch and asked what had happened. Have filled him in. Can't believe he brought dog in but at least he didn't get into confrontation with you. Can't imagine how that poor old lady feels. at you being up so early. Hope you can get something sorted r/e a move. Sorry h not been in touch r/e anniversary guess yu not surprised though, did you send a card ?

Cash wow great news , looks like you been busy while you have been away will soon be joining me and Mcd in the world of sleepless nights!

Baffy poor you , you really are doing a fantastic job. I am sure your mum enjoys it and although know what you mean r/e guilt . It's such a shame you can't trust h to share the childcare with you as you are right. Have you heard anything form ow since your message ? How is h reacting to not getting time with ds ? Hopefully things will settle down there when you get your own place.

Hi everyone. Congratulations Cash - another F&G baby on the way, brilliant!!!
I'm feeling very very crap. I've caught ds2's bug and I've been on the toilet for the last 2 days! ( TMI). I'm still not right today and to top it all I've come on. So very bad tempered and grizzly all round.
PC so sorry to hear you're having problems with your neighbours, especially since this place was going to be your fresh start. My neighbours across the road from me are dealers I'm sure and they've got 6 kids but luckily they have never caused me any problems. Its not that bad where we are but I'll never be able to let the dc out to play on their own.
TFM I bet he's not happy about you not playing along with his games any more. Do be careful won't you, and you know where I am if you need me (on the toilet mostly .
I'm off back to bed now with my glass of water and dry toast !!

Thanks girls. Bad day today,very bad day, all in front of dd. Begged him not to but he did anyway, he didn't hit me but he was shouting, raging and ranting. I just wanted to get away, felt i just had to get out, went to go but dd became hysterical, "don't leave mummy, please don't leave" He just continued shouting! He just wouldn't let up.
I told him I wasn't taking his abuse anymore, told him I had told his mum and RL friends what happening, initially it didn't stop him, he just said he didn't care who knew, he doesn't need them, them he threatened to go down and see his mum, I told him to be my guest, she knows everything anyway.

He didn't really calm down but he at least sat down. He was disgusted that I had told people, that I was being abused. I asked him what he would call it. He didn't answer, he just said I'm not right in the head, that I need help, I'm a simple minded bitch. The more I tried to reason the more he continued so I just ignored him and concentrated on dd who needed reassurance that I wasn't going to leave, she wanted to leave with me if I went. Bless that poor little girls heart

I went to view a house yesterday. His idea, he found it, told me to arrange it. A house for me and DC. He said he would buy it for us to live in. I arranged the viewing for a time he had requested but then he told me he was going out. I reminded him about the appt, he said "if i'm back I'm back, If i'm not, i'm not" I left it at that. He was obviously playing his control games again. Anyway, i went alone. It's a nice little house and has a good feel about it, we could be happy with it. I came away not believing he would go through with it, another one of his games, especially as he didn't go see it.

When he got home he asked me about it. I told him I like it, tried to tell him about it but he wasn't listening so, I just asked him if he was going to see it. He said he had no need. I left it at that. I knew better than to push it.

After his outburst today, I was hysterical, i would have walked out if it wasn't for dd. I told him I cannot stay in this house a moment longer. He just went quiet. I told him I am leaving, I want out and I don't want him anywhere near me again, not ever. I told him I will go into the refuge and wait for housing. He told me he will put an offer in on the house tomorrow. Whether he will or not remains to be seen. If he goes through with it and I move into the house I know my problems may not be over because I will be living in a house he owns. But at least it will be an immediate escape from here. I will use every authority neccessary to keep him away from me.

I was really worried after I had told him of all the people i have told but, it seems to have knocked the wind out of his sails. I have told him I just want him to leave me alone now, just leave me be because if he can't I will just go and I will inform the authorities of everything, I told him I will stop at nothing, that he will lose everything. Lets just say he wasn't happy but he said he will leave me alone. He is ignoring me still so thats ok. DD won't have anything to do with him. She told him he has to stop shouting at mummy, stop making arguments and stop being so grumpy, bless her. He didn't reply. Even his dd doesn't have any effect on him. He has just asked her if she wants to go to the car wash with him "no daddy, Im staying with mummy" What on earth has he done?

You know what the strange thing is. Both yesterday and today he came into my room first thing with a cup of tea. After 6 weeks of crap he makes me a cup of tea. He doesn't talk to me, he is still arrogant and cocky but he makes me a cup of tea!! And, he had bought me a paper.

He blames me for everything. He says its me but he can't tell me what I've done. He must think it's bad to want love and affection, he must think it's normal to be verbally abused and have your things smashed up after going out with the girls for a drink. He must think it's normal to be grabbed around the throat and pushed into every possible surface until you are black and blue. He thinks its me, not him.

Fortunatley I have come such a long way recently. I am much stronger and i no longer believe it's me. I have done nothing wrong. I have just been here, that seems to be enough for him. I really stuck up for myself today. He once told me he would break me, he very nearly has but, sadly for him, he hasn't managed it.

I hope this is the last bad day I have with him, I really do. I am so tired.

Thanks for 'listening' girls xxx

Message withdrawn

Thank you Dior. Yes, i do know I have to leave and I desperately do want to leave.

The strange thing is, he says he wants me to leave, he is the one who said it initially but, he then blocks my efforts to leave. He puts obstacles in my way. For instance, he said he wanted me out weeks ago and that he would buy a house, then he says he has to sell this one first (which he doesn't) It's hard to explain what he does but, even when he is the one to say he wants me to leave he seems angry when I agree and want to leave. Does that make sense? My head is dizzy with all this.
He doesn't want me but he doesn't want to let me go either.

Maybe we could stay with everyone on a two weekly rota, just until dd starts work

I really think I may have hit home. I think I have shocked him. I think pointing out his behaviour is abusive may have done it. He has just put his head around my door and told me he will put an offer in on the house tomorrow and asked me if that is alright for me. It's more than alright for me!

I hope this is going to be the end of it.

TFM massive (((((((((hugs)))))))))) to you and dd. I really feel this is a turning point for you and that you may have got through to him . You have told him it is his problem and i feel he may have to face that as you are no longer willing to take the blame. I really admire your courage you should be very proud of yourself and dd. I hope he does put an offer in and he realises your serious. I am thinking of you and dd and hope things improve from here , take care. It might be worth telling his mum what's happened so somene in rl knows to keep an eye on you.

Message withdrawn

OMG TFM.
You poor poor thing having to take all that in front of dd! What a monster.
Hope he sticks to his word and gets the house for you but I also hope his control over you ends there. Can you see a solicitor to get something in writing to stop him going there or get the house signed over to you totally.
The sooner you cut all ties with him the better.
Take care of yourself sweetie, I'm thinking of you xx

Message withdrawn

oh TFM how horrible ..you are amazing you know giving us all love and advice and going through this yourself
It sounds very good that you may have an "escape route" but long term is it a good idea to be in a house he owns - he still will have "control"???
Oh and if you do need to get away - is Cardiff far enough will put my mobile on FB You are always always welcome NO MEN allowed in this house ...hey maybe I could start a refuge!!

Thank you everybody, you really are something else, I appreciate your support so much!

Yes, I realise this is probably not the end of things, not really. I will be surprised if it is anyway. If he buys the house I am going to take it as it gets me out of here. However, I am going to stick to my plan and save for my own place, just in case. It will be much more pleasant saving away from him than it is while living with him, plus I should be better off financially because he will have to pay me maintenance. I have no money of my own at all here.

I am stronger this time, wiser too. Despite everything, I still very foolishly trusted him before, I didn't think he could possibly have meant or intended all the things he did to me. I don't trust him an inch this time and I fully believe that everything he does is intentional. He seems to get some perverse pleasure from it. All the time he is ranting and raging at me, he is telling me that I am lucky he is 'containing' himself, meaning I could be getting a lot worse. He seems almost proud of it, that he is restraining himself. He really does have a problem and it is getting worse and worse. One way or another I have to leave, even if that is to a refuge or other emergency accomodation. Next time I may not be so lucky, he may not restrain himself.

It's strange but, I told him I was scared of him, that he frightens me so much, that I never know what he is going to do. I looked him in the eye and said " I am petrified of you". He just stopped shouting and very calmly said "well, we had better get you a house then". It was really odd the way he said it. As though he didn't even trust himself not to hurt me, as though he cared that I was frightened. (understatement!)

DD is now fast asleep beside me in my bed. She hasn't left my side, bless her. She has even laid her teddies on the floor beside us and covered them with a quilt, apart from the blooming dog which we have in bed with us my heart is breaking for what she saw today. I would say I hope his is too but I don't think he has one.

Thanks again everyone xxx

TFM - hope you are ok you certainly sound a lot stronger now. I hope it all works out for you soon.

I am not around this week as we are going away to france for a few days - lots of packing to do today!!

Hopefully catch up more next week - but i bet there will be loads to read.

TFM, how are you today?

I am so so for you and dd that it's come to this. I'm amazed at your strength in dealing with it tho.

Standing up to him is incredibly brave and you are doing it with honesty and integrity and protecting your DC.

I am worried for you tho, he sounds like a complete jekyl and hyde at the moment. I'mn not actually surprised at his mixed messages tho. He thinks he can hurt you most by telling you he wants you gone. Based on how he has controlled you in the past and his belief that you are scared of living alone he thinks this is the worst thing he can threaten.

If you go tho, he loses his twisted game. In calling his bluff you force his hand and that's when he backs down a bit.

I think he's finally realising that it's not a game you are prepared to play any longer.

I really do hope he buys this house for you. It's not the ideal long terms solution but it would get you out of that house and give you some security.

I agree that it's still wise to save up for your own place. Unless he's prepared to put the house in your or dd's name and gives up any sort of title to it of his own.

Getting the RL support from his mother and your other friends must have really shocked him. You are no longer the meek and mild woman who only wants to please him in order for him to like you. Boy have you taken the wind out of his sails and bloody well done to you.

Don't put all your eggs in this one house tho, still be prepared to go to Womens Aid and temp or refuge accomodation. I am worried for your safety and if he is going to hurt you (mentally or physically) you need to get out of there.

This must be so hard and scary for you and I am so proud of you for standing up to him. These are the first steps in creating a beautiful, secure and happy future for you and your DC.

Sending you lots of positive vibes and the TeaBag Guardian Angel.
xxx

tfm it is so an abuser's way of reacting to everything. It's all your fault never their's.

I think you have shocked him by telling him that you have told people in rl. It shows's him that others are aware of what is going on. You have in retrospect taken away some of his power. That will either calm him or he will think of other ways in which to regain his power.

I agree with the others as in using a new house brought by him as a short term thing. Living in a house owned by him still gives him some sort of power over you. But even if he owns it he cannot turn up and enter the house without your express permission. If it came to it whether its his house or not you can obtain a restraining order.

Poor dd to have witnessed all that though. I hope it doesnt have to much affect on her with regards to school. I only say that because if the school thinks she is witnessing domestic abuse/violence at hime they will contact social seervices. And if they believe in their opinion that dd is witnessing domestic abuse they will remove her from the house and cite you as being neglectful.

I dont want to scare you but i know from friends experiences that this can happen.

The quicker you and the dc's are out of the house and away from him the better.

Please stay in touch with all of us as much as possible so we know you are ok. XX

((((((((hugs))))))) TFM hope dd ok today

Have good holiday HW !

OMG TFM I really cannot believe how bad he is getting

And in front of dd as well. Does he not realise that that sort of thing affects a person for the rest of their lives! Believe me. I've seen it first hand

The good thing is that your dd knows she has such a wonderful mum and you will never leave her side. Sleeping together etc is really the best thing you can do for her right now. It gives her all the comfort and security you possibly can whilst stuck in that situation.

You really have been so amazingly strong in standing up to him. I hope you are proud of yourself in just how far you've come. I bet you're utterly exhausted. Physically and mentally. But you're getting there. You really are.

Seriously if you need to get out of there I will come and get you. I really will. Or if you can't face emergency accomodation I will help you find and place up there and I swear I will help you pay for it! If it means you get yourself and the children out of there I'd do it in a heartbeat.

You have my number. Call me anytime. I really mean that.

I can't get on here much at the moment. I'm having a really awful time with H. And my job is requiring me to work 12 hour days and the weekends!
Plus ds is getting his final couple of back teeth and I have spent Saturday and Sunday night sitting up nursing him until 5am! His temperature is through the roof and as he's prone to fitting when he gets a high temperature (febrile convulsions - sp?) so I have to be extra cautious whenever he gets like this.

It's so so hard doing those long nights alone. Especially with the pressure of work in the background.

I finally settled him at 5.15 this morning. Then I made a mug of coffee and sat from 5.30 until 7.30 preparing a Board presentation for this afternoon! Then got showered and came into work. I feel like a zombie. I swear if just 1 person asks me how I am or shows me any sort of sympathy I'll break down and I'll never stop!

I will be ok

So I am keeping up with MN as much as I can. I'm always here for you.

Just to end on a positive note - cash - congratulations!!!! Looks like a fabulous thread. Am so so glad to see you posting again and to hear you sounding so happy and upbeat. I will catch up properly with you soon.

hi baffy, sorry to hear about ds & teeth. dd has her 2nd molar coming thru now. it's exhausting.

I ordered a Wiggles DVD from Amazon for her but it hasn't arrived yet. A friend showed her how to get on the laptop and play their songs off hteir website last weekend

i am hoping she can watch the DVD whilst I read "Adventures in Gentle Discipline" and property details.

Am still 50/50 on moving. Slightly less keen than I was at the end of last week. Am a bit worried about feeling isolated tbh.

No word from H even tho he is online now. Not even a simple thank you for the card.

BF rightly pointed out that I probably had a small glimmer that H would be around more if I stayed where I am now. How wrong was I?

HW have a great holiday.

GUP hope you're feeling better, your paypal payment is on it's way back to you.

""I swear if just 1 person asks me how I am or shows me any sort of sympathy I'll break down and I'll never stop!""

Thats just how I feel Baffy! I am holding it all in so tightly but all I want to do is sit in a empty room and cry my heart out. But I am going to save that for when all this is over then I might allow myself the luxury of a 15 minute wallow.

My body aches all over today, I feel battered and bruised even though he never laid a finger on me this time.

I think I have shocked him. He text me this morning asking for the number of the estate agent. He could have got it himself but by texting me he is letting me know he is calling them. I am very wary of him, I am not sure yet whether this is all part of his game, whether like Sugar says he feels he has lost some of his power. I know he will try to get it back somehow. I am ready though. It was really odd yesterday. Mid rage he had a couple of moments where he suddenly stopped and appeared almost normal, he spoke calmly and even his face looked different. While I was saying i had to leave, I couldn't stay, he just stopped and in such a nice and caring way asked me if i wanted him to leave. I replied that yes, I did, that it would be for the best. he was quiet for a couple of minutes but then he just started raging again.

Thank you Baffy for your very, very kind offer. I probably would never trouble you to that extent but it so nice to know that the offer is there.

Thank you too Sugar for your post. Luckily dd is on holiday for another week. I am so hoping she will not mention this at school. Her grandad called yesterday and she told him!! If he should start saying anything again that is what I am going to use to try stop him, dd, school, social services, ect. That is valuable information Sugar, thank you so much xx

He is a jekyll and hyde PC, I told him that yesterday. When his dad turned up he was so nice, totally calm, totally different person. When he dad left he started again. He can switch it on and off just like that. When I asked him to please stop shouting or I would leave he accused me of threatening him and demanded that I didn't. There is absolutely no way I can reason with him. He is totally irrational and just will not let up at all. In the end I curled up into a little ball and put my hands over my ears. Crying. That stopped him long enough for me to be able to tell him he is an abuser. I feel that was the best thing I could have done. He seemed appauled, disgusted that I should call him an abuser. But that is what he is. He is a controlling abusive man. The evidence is all there for him to see but he refuses to accept it. He says it's me.
Ok, I've rambled enough

I was still awake at 4am this morning, laid on aprox 6inches of bed. DD takes up such a lot of room for such a little person We are going to make cornflake buns this afternoon. I am going to try and replace the horrible memories she has of yesterday with nice ones I try very hard not to do 'hate' but, I am finding it very difficult not to hate him for what he did in front of dd yesterday, and show no shame or remorse for it. He never even gave her a cuddle, he didn't even comfort her. Actually, its as though he feels he will be admitting he is wrong, that he is backing down if he does something like that. I am trying very hard to not feel a shade sorry for him too. I would hate to be him

Thank you for 'listening' everyone, and thank you so much for all of your help and support. I really do appreciate it. xxx

Ooh Sorry Baffy, I'm sorry to hear about DS and his teeth too, and all the other stuff you are going through with H. I wonder if there will ever be an end to it!

PC, I was looking at all your photo's on FB in the early hours of this morning. The ones 'early days' I think the album is, they are great aren't they? You led such a fantastic and active life, you are a right dare devil!! I loved your hair short too.
I'm sorry H hasn't responded to your card. He isn't made of the same stuff as you obviously send him a text thanking him for the flowers bet you get a response from him then!

Good idea TFM - PC definitely send that text!!

I know you would probably never need to call on me TFM. But the offer is 100% genuine, and at least you know it's always there.

I know it is sweetheart and i really do appreciate it. I know this probably sounds stupid but, I am so used to dealing with everything on my own, coping alone that I find it so hard to accept help. That is something I am going to have to learn how to do isn't it xxx

Send the text PC!!! Lets be naughty!!

Go on PC! xx