I thought my ex was emotionally abusive. I think I was wrong

[namechanger2024]

I was with my partner 20 years. We grew up from teens to late 30s together and have small children together.
He left last year as he said he couldn't deal with anything anymore with me (I pulled away emotionally and physically as I genuinely believed there was emotional abuse going on)
He found someone new within weeks and she got pregnant. I've obviously really struggled with it all and I've found myself going back through all my years with him and over times I thought he was controlling or manipulative and after having a few discussions with him, I've come to see it was actually me that was the problem. I'm to blame for why he was the way he was with me and I think I see it all very clearly now from his perspective, which he did try to tell me numerous times but I was too much in the headspace of he's controlling, he's paranoid etc that I couldn't see his angle and now im deeply regretting everything and I really do think I was the problem. He doesn't seem to be the same man with the new gf that I had or dealt with which obviously makes me see even more, I was the issue and I'm not sure how to cope with it all after really diving into everything and seeing a much different side to things.

He had serious trust issues with me...
Now I'm not a cheater, I never have been, I loved him so much I'd never have even dreamt of it. But I do admit I'm a big people pleaser and I say hello to everyone and I've a smile for everyone. It's just who I am. But this didn't go down well with him because to him it always seemed like I was flirting with other men from time to time. Looking back now I see when it all began. I remember a comment he made to me two years in when he collected me from my Job and I was telling him about my day at work and he said "it seems like you've more fun with the men at work than me" it immediately hit me there and then that he didn't trust me or like me interacting with other men. I naturally then learned to just keep things to myself incase he thought something more and that then played out into years of the relationship. I kept very innocent things like meeting or speaking to people while food shopping etc because I was afraid it would cause an argument or I was afraid he'd think x,y,z when in all honesty I now see I should've been truthful. I'd nothing to hide... But there was times I was caught out or let it slip accidentally and then it looked like I had something to be guilty of. I tried countless times to explain my side but it was pointless but now looking back I think I get where he was coming from.

After I had the kids he couldn't even be comfortable with me going to mother baby classes etc or joining up along side other mums. He was fearful of me making friends with new mums and their partners etc. I was questioned all the time about my whereabouts, who I'd spoke to etc that it all became so much that I pulled away. I became less loving and affectionate and put up a wall, which I never even realised I was doing and because of that he walked away along with not being able to deal with his paranoia over me. But I've now learned that paranoia was obviously just to do with me. He's not like that with his new gf. She's obviously much more honest and upfront so he's nothing to be paranoid about. She gets to go to all the mother baby classes that I had to avoid because he's not paranoid about her.
I had things said about clothing I wore, if something was too short or if he thought something was to revealing yet I see her out wearing practically nothing, boobs on show, dresses up her bum. Granted she's much younger than me but I wasn't wearing stuff like that, in fact I'd have known not to wear anything like that incase it made him uncomfortable with me or incase he thought I was doing it to impress other men.

I didnt go out anywhere on my own because again he didn't trust me and it would've caused arguments, but the new gf can go out alone and he's no issues with her, in fact I know he encourages her to go with friends or nights out while he's happy to stay at home with the baby.

Therefore I've come to the conclusion he wasn't an abusive controlling man. He was this way with me because of ME

There's many more things I could write about. My life in comparison to hers in a relationship with him is complete opposites and I'm gutted to realise I must have been the issue. I'm also gutted to realise I'm the reason I lost a man a very much loved, a man I created 20 years with, a future with, a family with and now I've absolutely nothing. I'm grieving so much and I'm struggling to deal with this must have all been my own doing. I've lost everything. And I feel this is my punishment of how he moved on so soon and straight into a new life with someone way prettier, much younger and she's much more going for her. And I'm left broken and broken that my own children now don't have their dad that they love so much under the same roof as them and its all my fault.

My ex is not the man he was with me, to what he is with her... I can see it. Therefore, I really was the problem and I'm not ready to move on with anyone else anyway, but it's also left me petrified. What if I cause someone else not to trust me the same way, what if I bring this all on myself again. I see so many problems with me now, where as I used to think this was all him. He wasn't controlling like I thought for all this time, it was my errors that made him be the way he was, if he was this controlling man then she'd be getting the same or wouldn't have all the freedom that I didn't get to have. It seems like a healthy,normal, happy relationship and he seems to be the partner I really wish he'd have been for me and I can't hold it against him now that I think the problem was me.

I cant believe I'm only seeing now that his ways that I thought were controlling wasn't actually controlling, it was just that he didn't comfortably trust me or couldn't feel at ease with me. I'm so cut up about it. I genuinely loved this man, I would never have cheated on him, I'd never have left that man for anything or anyone I was totally devoted to him. I'm devastated and devastated to see I was the issue and he's I a much better place than he ever was with me. I don't know how to cope with it all. I cant believe I got him so wrong, I should've listened better

He sounds like he was controlling with you. Read back to yourself what you wrote about baby groups for a start.

He absolutely sounds controlling and he will be the same with her, he’s just pretending now. Abusers know not to show their true colours at the beginning. It really wasn’t you, OP. Hugs to you, your life will be better without him x

He was emotional abusive with you. It’s only a matter of time before he wears his new girlfriend down. For all you know behind closed doors he could be scolding her and paranoid about her going out too. She probably isn’t listening to his crap…at the moment…give it a few years and I’m sure the relationship will end the same way yours has.

No, you had it right the first time. He WAS emotionally abusive and controlling. You are well rid of him. You don't know what his new relationship is like on the inside, or how it will progress.

I think you have an internalised misogyny problem (the way you describe his girlfriend is awful) and some issues with self esteem and understanding healthy relationships. I don't mean that to be patronising, I have a chequered past in that area myself. I think you need to be single for a while, have some counselling and spend some time making yourself happy. Men can wait.

It wasn’t you.

He was jealous of you going to baby groups?????

It’s quite common to feel this way, and to find ways to blame yourself. I know. Plus, did anyone else really know what went on behind closed doors with you? It will be the same with her…

No he absolutely emotional abused you darling Please don’t blame yourself look after you and your Kids you don’t need anyone like that near you .

🩷🩷

Geez, just a bit of talking to you and he's managed to gaslight you into thinking it was you and not him.
He made you a prisoner in your own home, afraid to go to mother and baby clubs - that is extreme. He's just shown you that he's the same kind of bad that he always was because somehow he's managed to manipulate you and successfully twisted it onto you. You had it right the first time. He did you a favour by moving onto the next one to control - he got her pregnant quickly so that she'd become dependent before she had time to figure it out.
How on earth would you know he's not like that with her? Were you broadcasting to people at the time what he was doing? She won't be either, doesn't mean it's not happening. I bet she doesn't get out much these days.

He's done quite a number on you. It's going to take more time for you to wake up.

He was emotionally abusive and controlling, he still is emotionally abusive. This new relationship is very early days and you don't know what happens behind closed doors so you can't actually say he's not abusing her, maybe the abuse takes a different form or maybe he doesn't feel in control enough yet to be so outwardly abusive.

He is still abusing you, look up DARVO, it's a common tactic of abusers. Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. He's making you feel like the offender and him the victim. He should never have cared if you went to mother and baby groups or said hi to someone. It's not your fault he was like that. No way is it normal to feel guilty that you didn't tell him every single person you spoke to. There was never anything to hide or reveal here. It's a non event, the fact that he made something of it shows he's controlling. That's a him problem not a you problem. It was always his issue to deal with. If he was a loving and caring husband he would have sought help for his issues and not blamed you and abused you over it. Please stop getting his side of things, go as low contact as you can and try and get some counselling to work though this.

What have I just read????

OP, you started by saying the breakup was all your own fault. Fair enough, I read on because that might have been true.

But reading your examples of what you supposedly did wrong — he was abusive, controlling or pathologically jealous in every case!

You did nothing to provoke his crazy behaviour. He’s in the honeymoon phase with his new girlfriend. I wonder how long before he gets jealous because she dares hat with other people?

Slightly different opinion. It WAS you, and it was also HIM.
You said you got together as teens. It’s not unusual that people together at that age often form toxic, unhealthy and co-dependent relationships. The foundations can be rotten at the core for years and bring out the worst in both of you.
If he’s turned into a better husband to his new wife it may just be that their relationship is healthier. The upside is if you see these positive changes in him this can only benefit your children. Focus on this and learn to be good coparents.
Get some therapy and work on your self esteem. Don’t rush a new relationship by any means but if he can be better with someone better suited to him, you can be too- someone who brings out the best in you. In time you’ll see that whilst he may not be all bad, he certainly wasn’t good either. And not to you at all by the sounds of it.

Jesus, OP, reading your post is like reading someone's bizarre forced confession. It's as if you've been brainwashed. You seem to have lost all connection to reality and come to believe that black is actually white.

Your ex behaved like an insecure, jealous arsehole. I don't understand how you've managed to convince yourself otherwise.

You know that what you’ve written isn’t what you actually believe. The anger and resentment at how he’s treated you is there, beneath the surface, but for now you find it more palatable to blame yourself. Look at what you’ve written, you list his poor behaviour but then turn it back on yourself.
look, this is not about you and you know it. You’re hurt because your ex is with someone else and you’re licking your wounds, but just be honest with yourself and don’t be the perfect martyr. Sometimes, relationships just don’t work out. That’s not on you, it’s just the way it is.
hope you’re ok xx

He was controlling and jealous and insecure and sounds pretty damn narc. Trust your initial instincts. You made a GOOD escape.

I recommend the book The Gaslight Effect by Robin Stern, which is very good on this "gaslight tango" in which both partners' behaviour plays a part in generating the bad outcome. I think you might find things fit. She's also good on how not to let it happen again!

Is this a reverse? You seem to know an incredible amount about your ex and his GF.

He was definitely controlling. Not trusting you without any just cause = 🚩
I’d suggest you read up about trauma bonding and narcissism, especially covert narcissism. See if it rings any bells. He sounds a lot like XH. The fact that he jumped into a new relationship so quickly is another 🚩 and suggests he may be narcissistic (looked for a new ‘supply’ quickly). (XH says he didn’t cheat but I’ve seen evidence that he was engaging with his new partner the day after he moved out, couldn’t bear to be on his own).
I think it’s wise to explore this in some taking therapy. Sounds like you still have rose-tinted glasses about this bloke who frankly treated you like crap!

No, no. You were right. He was controlling and abusive.

@TiredCatLady no unfortunately it's a very small town area I live in where everyone knows everyone's business so I've had the unfortunate crap of hearing things back and it's a totally different life to what I had and please I hope no one thinks I wish any harm on the new gf, I'm not this bitter ex who wishes the new gf any harm. Yes I'm very hurt and upset and sad but I'm not resentful towards her. it's just making me question so much. It's the total opposite of what I experienced

You say it started with you ‘two years in’.

Which means he hid it for the first couple of years.

Just like he’s doing with the new wife.

You are not the problem here - he was and he will be with the second wife when he’s nice and comfortable, and he devalues her.

I’m so sorry you had to go through 20 years with a man who made you feel like you had to hide from other human connections. Please don’t let him take the next 20 years, convinced that you were the flawed, broken one.

There are many other examples I could list to why I "thought" there was control in my relationship but i think it still all stems back to me and his lack of trust in me
It's just so damn hard because I really loved him, I would've spent my dying days with him.

People are commenting on the mother baby classes... Yes he wasn't comfortable (but that was with me)
She attends all these classes that I didn't.
It used to really upset me that I didn't attend these things knowing it would lead him to question me and then we'd get into an argument because back then I couldn't understand what the issue was, I was in a class with other women just. But, he genuinely isn't that version with her. I now go to other classes in the same venue and run into her from time to time and it breaks me that I missed out on things like that, those wee moments because I couldn't be trusted. It makes me question so much about myself

This.

Also, forget about his new relationship. He may be different to how he was 20 years ago. That doesn't alter the fact that he treated you appallingly. Take care and be kind to yourself, you deserve it.

Firstly I agree with the pp. Abusers don’t reveal that they’re perpetrators immediately because women would be so unlikely to stick around. They reveal it slowly and gradually, typically alongside the gradual destruction of your self esteem, after you have made commitments to them (such as children, housing etc) and after attempting to create a reliance on them. It may well be that he’s just waiting for his time to be able to behave abusively again.
Secondly, if it is the case that he’s not going to be abusive with her it may be that it’s simply because she wouldn’t tolerate it and she hasn’t been receptive to his attempts to control her. It sounds from your post that you were receptive to his control and changed your whole life to accommodate him but you don’t know how she might react to him.
In terms of moving on think you would benefit from doing some work around healthy relationships to better help you process what happened to you. Please sign up for the freedom programme, which you can do online. I also think self esteem work is much needed. The book overcoming low self esteem is a great place to start. Finally I’d strongly recommend in engaging with therapy if you’re able to.