I thought my ex was emotionally abusive. I think I was wrong

[namechanger2024]

I was with my partner 20 years. We grew up from teens to late 30s together and have small children together.
He left last year as he said he couldn't deal with anything anymore with me (I pulled away emotionally and physically as I genuinely believed there was emotional abuse going on)
He found someone new within weeks and she got pregnant. I've obviously really struggled with it all and I've found myself going back through all my years with him and over times I thought he was controlling or manipulative and after having a few discussions with him, I've come to see it was actually me that was the problem. I'm to blame for why he was the way he was with me and I think I see it all very clearly now from his perspective, which he did try to tell me numerous times but I was too much in the headspace of he's controlling, he's paranoid etc that I couldn't see his angle and now im deeply regretting everything and I really do think I was the problem. He doesn't seem to be the same man with the new gf that I had or dealt with which obviously makes me see even more, I was the issue and I'm not sure how to cope with it all after really diving into everything and seeing a much different side to things.

He had serious trust issues with me...
Now I'm not a cheater, I never have been, I loved him so much I'd never have even dreamt of it. But I do admit I'm a big people pleaser and I say hello to everyone and I've a smile for everyone. It's just who I am. But this didn't go down well with him because to him it always seemed like I was flirting with other men from time to time. Looking back now I see when it all began. I remember a comment he made to me two years in when he collected me from my Job and I was telling him about my day at work and he said "it seems like you've more fun with the men at work than me" it immediately hit me there and then that he didn't trust me or like me interacting with other men. I naturally then learned to just keep things to myself incase he thought something more and that then played out into years of the relationship. I kept very innocent things like meeting or speaking to people while food shopping etc because I was afraid it would cause an argument or I was afraid he'd think x,y,z when in all honesty I now see I should've been truthful. I'd nothing to hide... But there was times I was caught out or let it slip accidentally and then it looked like I had something to be guilty of. I tried countless times to explain my side but it was pointless but now looking back I think I get where he was coming from.

After I had the kids he couldn't even be comfortable with me going to mother baby classes etc or joining up along side other mums. He was fearful of me making friends with new mums and their partners etc. I was questioned all the time about my whereabouts, who I'd spoke to etc that it all became so much that I pulled away. I became less loving and affectionate and put up a wall, which I never even realised I was doing and because of that he walked away along with not being able to deal with his paranoia over me. But I've now learned that paranoia was obviously just to do with me. He's not like that with his new gf. She's obviously much more honest and upfront so he's nothing to be paranoid about. She gets to go to all the mother baby classes that I had to avoid because he's not paranoid about her.
I had things said about clothing I wore, if something was too short or if he thought something was to revealing yet I see her out wearing practically nothing, boobs on show, dresses up her bum. Granted she's much younger than me but I wasn't wearing stuff like that, in fact I'd have known not to wear anything like that incase it made him uncomfortable with me or incase he thought I was doing it to impress other men.

I didnt go out anywhere on my own because again he didn't trust me and it would've caused arguments, but the new gf can go out alone and he's no issues with her, in fact I know he encourages her to go with friends or nights out while he's happy to stay at home with the baby.

Therefore I've come to the conclusion he wasn't an abusive controlling man. He was this way with me because of ME

There's many more things I could write about. My life in comparison to hers in a relationship with him is complete opposites and I'm gutted to realise I must have been the issue. I'm also gutted to realise I'm the reason I lost a man a very much loved, a man I created 20 years with, a future with, a family with and now I've absolutely nothing. I'm grieving so much and I'm struggling to deal with this must have all been my own doing. I've lost everything. And I feel this is my punishment of how he moved on so soon and straight into a new life with someone way prettier, much younger and she's much more going for her. And I'm left broken and broken that my own children now don't have their dad that they love so much under the same roof as them and its all my fault.

My ex is not the man he was with me, to what he is with her... I can see it. Therefore, I really was the problem and I'm not ready to move on with anyone else anyway, but it's also left me petrified. What if I cause someone else not to trust me the same way, what if I bring this all on myself again. I see so many problems with me now, where as I used to think this was all him. He wasn't controlling like I thought for all this time, it was my errors that made him be the way he was, if he was this controlling man then she'd be getting the same or wouldn't have all the freedom that I didn't get to have. It seems like a healthy,normal, happy relationship and he seems to be the partner I really wish he'd have been for me and I can't hold it against him now that I think the problem was me.

I cant believe I'm only seeing now that his ways that I thought were controlling wasn't actually controlling, it was just that he didn't comfortably trust me or couldn't feel at ease with me. I'm so cut up about it. I genuinely loved this man, I would never have cheated on him, I'd never have left that man for anything or anyone I was totally devoted to him. I'm devastated and devastated to see I was the issue and he's I a much better place than he ever was with me. I don't know how to cope with it all. I cant believe I got him so wrong, I should've listened better

OP this makes me so sad. I know you aren't going to believe anybody here when they sad that it isn't your fault and that he was emotionally abusive and controlling. Consider this from another perspective - if he was controlling towards one of your children and not the other then where would the fault lie? Would it be something that one of your children had done? Or would it be that he was treating them unfairly. Nobody, not one single person, deserves to be controlled. We are allowed to talk to people, to make friends and to even make mistakes. There was nothing that YOU could have done, as a human being, that would render you untrustworthy to attend mother and baby classes.

I know that nothing anyone says here will change your mindset. Please consider counselling because you deserve to be free and happy.

No offense but I think Mumsnet admins might need to take a look at this thread as it is completely illogical
and feels bogus

Op. I’m not sure what you’re trying to achieve, it’s clear you do feel he was controlling and abusive, I guess you need validation of that?

people can behave differently in different relationships. I think for you, trying to accept it’s over, it didn’t work, and move on to have a healthier life is better for you than living in the past.

This! All of this... please please go and find some counselling. You've been abused for years and you cannot see it, and that's extremely common. As others have said, he was fine with you to start with... just as he's fine with her at the moment. He's in the lovebombing stage with her. Things will turn. Just as they did with you.

Forget him. Focus on your own life now. Get that counselling and start working through the damage this man has done to you over so long. Good luck - this is your time to put yourself first

Welcome to the fallout of an abusive relationship...

Yeah this.

"Let me list ten things that are examples of control, with this weird post of how it must be me that's the problem, so I can get a hundred people to point out, no it's not me"

It's blatantly obvious OP knows what the score is.

I'm thinking reverse too.

It wasn't you at all.It was him.

It's very telling that when an abusive man leaves a relationship, rather than the victim leaving, he does it in such a way to stick the knife in and maintain harm.

It's also telling that he moved on quickly and his new girlfriend was pregnant so quickly. Abusive men like to have their women trapped and dependent because they're less likely to feel able to leave

PP are right about you looking into the freedom programme or some therapy to support yourself. It isn't you.

This, absolutely.

This

I only got halfway through and couldn't read anymore - too angry at him! He sounds like a horrific gaslighting controlling tosser. Do the freedom program, do some therapy, and don't talk to him again about your relationship - if you need to talk to him about technical matters re your shared kids do it in writing through one of the co-parenting apps.

He didn't trust you. He had no reason NOT to trust you right? This is on him, not you.
He's done a real number on you OP. Please get some therapy if you can.

I put my life and soul into this relationship just to end up feeling destroyed and not knowing who I am anymore

Can you read this again and understand that is not a healthy loving relationship? I do think you need counselling and if possible move away from the area.

Wow, he's done a proper number on you. You were right

Op I just reread your posts and what sticks out is just how many times yoh proclaim your love for him. It’s clear you’ve not moved on, and are still very much in love with him. I really think you need to seek help, in the form of therapy to accept it’s ended and help you move on.

Sweetheart, it was him AND it still is him. He’s abusing you through his behaviour with the new woman, through telling you it’s all your fault. It’s him and he’s still doing it.

He may well be the same with her, but in different ways. For all you know he has spyware on her, or controls her food or alcohol… or maybe he doesn’t do it to her YET. He did it to you and it wasn’t ok.

you are allowed to smile, to go to Babygroups. You don’t need to hide who you have been talking to.

What he did to you is still impacting you. Don’t blame yourself for his behaviour.

I agree with this - there’s something weirdly manipulative about the phrasing of the OP.

So you chatted to him about how controlling he is and instead of accepting he abused you, he convinced you it was your fault. That’s hardly a surprise is it.
and he’s not controlling her after a few months in the exact same way he controlled you after a few years, so you’ve come to the conclusion that he must not and won’t ever control her at all?
No matter what you ever did, there’s no excuse for his behaviour,
why do you think you are so willing or so keen to blame yourself? I think talking to a professional would be really helpful here. Definitely stop talking to him about it though.

You absolutely, definitely were being controlled and abused.
2 things about his new relationship:

• He is biding his time to rope her and tie her down. Hence the rapid pregnancy.
• she is still in the honeymoon period and/or she may be naturally submissive and is trying to live some surrendered wife lifestyle.

As for you, you NEED therapy to get to the bottom of your emotions and learn to build self esteem and strong boundaries. I strongly urge you to make this an absolute priority.

An abuser has to put in a fair bit of work in the beginning of a relationship to con his victim into believing she/he is in a loving relationship, then once that’s achieved they then slowly start chipping away at your self esteem and making you feel like your in the wrong until you literally can’t breathe through fear it will make them feel insecure/ angry. The abuser has to make you feel you can’t trust yourself to the point you feel you can’t even can’t even look up and correctly see the colour of the sky unless he agrees with you.
He has done this over many many years to you and you need to reclaim your mind and self esteem.
How he is with new gf is irrelevant as it’s at the start of the relationship when all is good, what’s important is therapy or self help, you need to reach out to family and let them back into your life. Start trusting yourself and rebuilding your life away from his influence.

This. OP, you did nothing wrong. Being friendly and sociable is a lovely trait, don't change. Please get some counselling. You were right the first time, it was and still is emotional abuse. I feel very sorry for the new GF.

He doesn't sound like he treated you well.
But it's also possible for two good people to be incompatible and bring out the worst in each other.

My take home would be that you couldn't be yourself around him so he wasn't right for you, whether he was abusive or not. Find someone who loves and accepts you - who loves how friendly and smiley and inclusive you are etc. Where you both have freedom.

Not being able to go to mother and baby groups because of your partner's jealousy was batshit. On his part.

Don't focus on what his new partner is "permitted" to do now - his behaviour is unlikely to stay sane and he'll ramp out up with her in future just like he did with you. These men can't help themselves because it is who they are and believe themselves to be all powerful and in the right.

For you though, you're need to do the Freedom Programme. Your initial fears and thoughts were correct, he was controlling. You can do it online, but please look for a way to do it in a group as it's so much more effective that way and much more supportive of you. You need some support right now.

OP every single word you wrote in the first post screams emotional abuse - by him, to you.

HOW is it your fault that he made such a fuss that he didn't trust you to go to mother and baby classes?

HOW is it your fault that by smiling at folk in the supermarket that he was so insecure he was like this to you? These are NORMAL HUMAN INTERACTIONS.

My ex was exactly the same. I was monitored as to where I went, and with who, and he'd ring me numerous times a day to 'check in' with me. I stopped going to mother and baby groups, stopped going to playgroup, packed in my job, wasn't allowed to visit friends, and eventually even my mum wasn't allowed to visit.

Months after we split he shacked up with another woman who (I strongly suspect) is much stronger emotionally than I was and doesn't take that shit - remember I was/you were in a vulnerable situation with babies, off work on mat leave so not much cash etc and reliant on him. His new woman has older kids who are now much higher priority to him than his own, and he doesn't see the damage he's caused, let alone care.

If you can get some counselling op I found it incredibly helpful, made me realise that there were literally ZERO grounds for his jealousy.

Have you reported it then?

It was him. I would suggest counselling to unpick it all.

I chat to people, it is normal to be friendly. He was an insecure and controlling man.

Watch this space with the new relationship, he will do the same but needs to make her fully dependent on him first. The baby is step one...