I thought my ex was emotionally abusive. I think I was wrong

[namechanger2024]

I was with my partner 20 years. We grew up from teens to late 30s together and have small children together.
He left last year as he said he couldn't deal with anything anymore with me (I pulled away emotionally and physically as I genuinely believed there was emotional abuse going on)
He found someone new within weeks and she got pregnant. I've obviously really struggled with it all and I've found myself going back through all my years with him and over times I thought he was controlling or manipulative and after having a few discussions with him, I've come to see it was actually me that was the problem. I'm to blame for why he was the way he was with me and I think I see it all very clearly now from his perspective, which he did try to tell me numerous times but I was too much in the headspace of he's controlling, he's paranoid etc that I couldn't see his angle and now im deeply regretting everything and I really do think I was the problem. He doesn't seem to be the same man with the new gf that I had or dealt with which obviously makes me see even more, I was the issue and I'm not sure how to cope with it all after really diving into everything and seeing a much different side to things.

He had serious trust issues with me...
Now I'm not a cheater, I never have been, I loved him so much I'd never have even dreamt of it. But I do admit I'm a big people pleaser and I say hello to everyone and I've a smile for everyone. It's just who I am. But this didn't go down well with him because to him it always seemed like I was flirting with other men from time to time. Looking back now I see when it all began. I remember a comment he made to me two years in when he collected me from my Job and I was telling him about my day at work and he said "it seems like you've more fun with the men at work than me" it immediately hit me there and then that he didn't trust me or like me interacting with other men. I naturally then learned to just keep things to myself incase he thought something more and that then played out into years of the relationship. I kept very innocent things like meeting or speaking to people while food shopping etc because I was afraid it would cause an argument or I was afraid he'd think x,y,z when in all honesty I now see I should've been truthful. I'd nothing to hide... But there was times I was caught out or let it slip accidentally and then it looked like I had something to be guilty of. I tried countless times to explain my side but it was pointless but now looking back I think I get where he was coming from.

After I had the kids he couldn't even be comfortable with me going to mother baby classes etc or joining up along side other mums. He was fearful of me making friends with new mums and their partners etc. I was questioned all the time about my whereabouts, who I'd spoke to etc that it all became so much that I pulled away. I became less loving and affectionate and put up a wall, which I never even realised I was doing and because of that he walked away along with not being able to deal with his paranoia over me. But I've now learned that paranoia was obviously just to do with me. He's not like that with his new gf. She's obviously much more honest and upfront so he's nothing to be paranoid about. She gets to go to all the mother baby classes that I had to avoid because he's not paranoid about her.
I had things said about clothing I wore, if something was too short or if he thought something was to revealing yet I see her out wearing practically nothing, boobs on show, dresses up her bum. Granted she's much younger than me but I wasn't wearing stuff like that, in fact I'd have known not to wear anything like that incase it made him uncomfortable with me or incase he thought I was doing it to impress other men.

I didnt go out anywhere on my own because again he didn't trust me and it would've caused arguments, but the new gf can go out alone and he's no issues with her, in fact I know he encourages her to go with friends or nights out while he's happy to stay at home with the baby.

Therefore I've come to the conclusion he wasn't an abusive controlling man. He was this way with me because of ME

There's many more things I could write about. My life in comparison to hers in a relationship with him is complete opposites and I'm gutted to realise I must have been the issue. I'm also gutted to realise I'm the reason I lost a man a very much loved, a man I created 20 years with, a future with, a family with and now I've absolutely nothing. I'm grieving so much and I'm struggling to deal with this must have all been my own doing. I've lost everything. And I feel this is my punishment of how he moved on so soon and straight into a new life with someone way prettier, much younger and she's much more going for her. And I'm left broken and broken that my own children now don't have their dad that they love so much under the same roof as them and its all my fault.

My ex is not the man he was with me, to what he is with her... I can see it. Therefore, I really was the problem and I'm not ready to move on with anyone else anyway, but it's also left me petrified. What if I cause someone else not to trust me the same way, what if I bring this all on myself again. I see so many problems with me now, where as I used to think this was all him. He wasn't controlling like I thought for all this time, it was my errors that made him be the way he was, if he was this controlling man then she'd be getting the same or wouldn't have all the freedom that I didn't get to have. It seems like a healthy,normal, happy relationship and he seems to be the partner I really wish he'd have been for me and I can't hold it against him now that I think the problem was me.

I cant believe I'm only seeing now that his ways that I thought were controlling wasn't actually controlling, it was just that he didn't comfortably trust me or couldn't feel at ease with me. I'm so cut up about it. I genuinely loved this man, I would never have cheated on him, I'd never have left that man for anything or anyone I was totally devoted to him. I'm devastated and devastated to see I was the issue and he's I a much better place than he ever was with me. I don't know how to cope with it all. I cant believe I got him so wrong, I should've listened better

What’s a reverse? Do you mean this is an abuser posting?

It wasn't you. I did this, blamed myself for my ex's despicable behaviour and treatment of me and the children. He utterly demonised me to justify his affairs and leaving for the last OW. It was him. Not me. Please do the Freedom Programme. It will really help you.

This is such an insightful comment. Please read this over and over again, OP

@AuntySueDoesntGiveAShit yes, i have reported the OP to the admins. There is something off about the OP's starting post and I think you are all having the piss taken out of you. And are being very nice.

What is 'awful' about describing someone as being younger and prettier?

ETA. Sorry, I didn't read the OP's initial post properly. I still don't think she was really being nasty about the gf, just saying that she was dressed very differently to the way the husband 'allowed' the OP to dress.

I was 100% in the same situation, I don't think it's a reverse at all.

I would NEVER have imagined being in the situation of having a man - my husband - tell me that it was my fault he was insecure after innocent interactions, and forcing me to quit baby groups, but the emotional abuse was/is incidious and crept up - the boiled frog scenario.

It's only afterwards (and with lots of support) that I've been able to acknowledge that it wasn't my fault, and that him preventing me from accessing that support - amongst all the other death by 1000 cuts stuff - was very abusive.

15 years ago I might have doubted the op too - how can someone get themselves into such a situation - but it is a very real and difficult place to be.

I'm really aware of abusive relationships. Personally.

It's nothing to do with the concept of the OP.

Everything to do with the language. As another PP observed, it's almost manipulative. I can see that too. And have many others thinking it's a reverse.

Interestingly another thread has just been started, almost identical.

I tend to think so what if the OP is fake, if it resonates with people and a good discussion follows

He was emotionally abusive to you. He probably will.be to his new partner a few years in.

Men like him don't change. They don't trust you for the same reason that they think you are like them. They think a smile is flirting because if they were to smile at another woman they would be flirting. And so on for every example you give.

I think you are all having the piss taken out of you. And are being very nice.
ahh it’s either real in which case op needs some support and advice
or it’s fake, in which case op is a troll and that’s a bit sad in itself isn’t it, so I can’t get too angry.

perhaps this could be the new woman trying to justify and make sense of the man’s story and version of events. The replies would still be useful to her. Who knows

He found someone new within weeks and she got pregnant

Not RTFT but my first thought was that he was already seeing her. That he cheated on you before and was projecting his infidelities onto you, making you out to be the problem when it was him as a deflection for his own paranoia.

Either way, you had it right first time. He was EA and it matters not what he's like with this new woman. You need to move on from him, with help if possible.

He was and sounds like he still is controlling with you. He's not this way with his new partner as she's not going to put up with it. Seriously it sounds like you could do with some counselling to move on with your life. It wasn't you, it was and still is him.

For a start, even if, for some bizarre reason, he was only like this with you, it was still his fault and he was still a controlling, emotionally abusive ass.

Try turning this around - why did YOU deserve to have him be so jealous when you never ever cheated or would have? When you were just at work and meeting new people? When you were alone with a baby and wanted to make other mum friends? Even if you are the only person he is ever like this with, it wouldn't make it your fault or what he did right.

As for him not being like this with her... hahahahaha. Just wait and see. I'm also a bit surprised that rumours haven't got back to you about what a terrible person you were (according to him). Because usually men like this use their ex as a tool to abuse their next girlfriend, "well, I need you to call me when you're out every 20 minutes because my ex always cheated on me and flirted with other men and now I'm so scared that you will do the same."

He didn't start it when you first got together, and he's not going to start it when he first gets with her either. But I will put money that there are some red flags there for her already that she/the world aren't seeing yet. Or, perhaps, best case, she's the type who's told him from the start his behaviour is shit and he has learnt better ways, maybe, I don't know. But that still wouldn't make it your fault that he did it with you.

@namechanger2024 its easy to compare yourself when the other person appears to have changed/moved on. I felt the same with my ex - he met someone within weeks and they have been together over 5 years now.

However - although he has mellowed, my children do come back with stories of daddy raging and xxx crying etc etc. So in my mind it was all idyllic, in reality it's a lot like what i went through at the time. Id say you need to stop analysing the past and try and look to the future on your own/with any new partner. You are looking at it through rose tinted glasses (like i was) but the reality may be very different. Also, often the new partner really wants to show the image that x has changed/everything is so wonderful. It's an ego thing and i also think some women want to one up others - however dont take things on face value. Move on....

@namechanger2024 I am so sorry this has happened.

He was emotionally abusive.

Please know I am not being rude to you when I say that he has done a proper number on you.
Not only was he abusive, he has left you blaming yourself.

To use examples - he was very jealous, without reason.
Partners who are jealous are projecting their own insecurities onto you.
In an effort to appease them most people.
I am guessing you had to walk on eggshells and do things e.g. showing a receipt to prove they have been to the supermarket, and not copping off with some random bloke you met at the school gates. (This is an example, not literal).

The person who is jealous controls your behaviour.

He tried to isolate you, not wanting you to make friends at mother and baby group.
That is classic abuse.
You are easier to control if you are isolated.

There are so many more red flags in your post, none of them are your fault.

He jumped from one LTR with you into another, he hasn't had time to heal, the poor woman is pregnant and vulnerable to his manipulation.
You say he is a different man with his new girlfriend. Of course he is, that's how abusers reel people in.
He will change before long. When the baby is born he will have ultimate control over her.

Once more, I am so sorry you have been through this.
I cannot stress this enough, it wasn't you, it wasn't your fault.
He abused you.

There is a wealth of support available to you, find what works for you and please look after yourself

Wow, he really did a number on you didn’t he? And is still continuing to do so.

It’s wasn’t you, it was him. He sounds like an abusive bellend.

You need to get this man out of your life - only communicate when absolutely necessary about the dcs by text.

You are still continuing to let him gaslight you.

Wow, he has massively gaslight you

It wasn't you, it was him and he will do it to her eventually.

This is surely a piss take.

Why do you think that?

I was in exactly the same situation, and because it is so insidious a means of abuse, I really couldn't see it until afterwards and A LOT of counselling. It took me years to find the courage to leave as I was so unhappy but thought it was all my fault. This is exactly why emotional abuse is so hard to prove, never mind prosecute - even my mum told me 'well it's not like he hits you'.

And yes, I spent hours and hours stalking the new woman's social media to find out all about her life, so that (whilst a bit wierd) isn't at all impossible.

Eh? This could be my sister writing these exact words so imagine if I told her it’s illogical or feels bogus. 3 years on and she still tells me how it must be her because her ex seems to be so happy with his new wife, he hasn’t changed and now they have just announced their pregnancy and my heart actually breaks knowing that she is gonna be going through the same shit as my sister

We will never know OP as all we have is your description of what he was like and your description of what you were like.

It's quite possible that the dynamic between you was just not healthy. Together you created a toxic union. He's now in a completely different dynamic with his new partner where there isn't any mistrust, control, weird issues.

Nothing you can do but move on.

When my abusive XH got with his last ex, I couldn’t understand why he was treating her so well. By all accounts, she was a bit of a hard arse in stark comparison to me, a soft touch and a people pleaser, so I thought it was just a case of them being better matched. He cheated on me over and over but seemed smitten with her. They were always on holiday together when he wouldn’t pay child maintenance.

Then one day she got in touch. She found out he’d cheated on her and she wanted to use me to get revenge on him. It was then that I realised he was exactly the same with her, even down to her doing all his washing for him when they didn’t live together. She had paid for the holidays and he was supposed to pay her back but never did.

Abusers very rarely change.

why do people make the assumption my post is a piss take. This is my actual life I'm talking about here.
I intentionally wrote the post as after speaking with him regarding our relationship I had many of my flaws pointed out to me, which I've now internalised and I'm blaming myself for in many ways.

I wrote about this on here because I wanted to be able to just through this with others who don't me so I don't feel like I'm being judged, but it turns out I am being judged and now wish I'd never wrote the post at all.
I've wrote on here many times whilst in the relationship about things that were going on well before we broke up as I gaslit myself at the time. I knew things weren't right but I wasn't sure if maybe it was me that was the actual problem and that's where his behaviour stemmed from, which after speaking to him does seem to be the case. I've probably allowed him way too much contact with me since we broke up in conversations because as other people have noticed yes I clearly haven't got over him. He's the only relationship I've known! And we're trying to maintain a decent relationship for the children but it all honesty it's probably ruining me more than I realised because I still love him and because I can't quite believe how drastically my life changed within weeks from him walking out.

To the user who wrote "is this a reverse" I'm not quite sure what you mean
And I don't know why people assume this may be a piss take, I assure you its not. Yes it some ways I'd love to write about different scenarios that played part in me wondering if it was abusive, because I really am in 2 minds as to if it was abusive or if it was me allowing too much and bring easy to manipulate. I'm trying to make sense of what has happened here so I can tell myself I was the problem or no I was right from the get go that it was him. I'm not really sure what I was trying to gain from writing on here, maybe just some perspective from other ladies who were in the same position and if they questioned themselves. I also know I'm most like trauma bonded to him as it's all I've known and I'm grieving the loss of my life that I built with him and I'm fearful of being on my own now and I'm struggling. I'm gutted that people on here on making remarks that my post is false or whatever you're assuming. I wish that was case!

I dont understand why people are saying my post seems to be manipulatively wrote...
I wrote this from a place of after having a conversation with him about how I made him feel paranoid and untrustworthy.
Does no body seem to understand ive listened to him and trued to see things from his eyes that I now feel like he's right about me.... last night I was so upset I wrote this post because I'm extremely confused about everything.
I'm actually in counselling to try and understand this better and with women's aid, but if you listen to how my ex felt I think from his perspective I sound like the abusive one I think. He's made me see things from his point of view that I now wonder if I'm the problem.

I really regret ever writing this post now. I was hoping other women would say "I've been there, I felt the same etc... Ive re read over my prebious posts I put on here from 2019 until 2021 basically saying is this behaviour normal etc which is why I classed it that it was emotional abuse and now that its all over I've found myself gaslighting myself and saying if I hadn't done this, if I had of listened more etc then I wouldn't have experienced what I did....
I'm a very soft person. My self esteem is on the floor after everything.

I was gaslit and blamed for years, I knew I was very unhappy but didn’t know why as I felt he and his family were right.
It took a year after leaving him before I started to realise how manipulative those people were and I realised I was not to blame