I thought my ex was emotionally abusive. I think I was wrong

[namechanger2024]

I was with my partner 20 years. We grew up from teens to late 30s together and have small children together.
He left last year as he said he couldn't deal with anything anymore with me (I pulled away emotionally and physically as I genuinely believed there was emotional abuse going on)
He found someone new within weeks and she got pregnant. I've obviously really struggled with it all and I've found myself going back through all my years with him and over times I thought he was controlling or manipulative and after having a few discussions with him, I've come to see it was actually me that was the problem. I'm to blame for why he was the way he was with me and I think I see it all very clearly now from his perspective, which he did try to tell me numerous times but I was too much in the headspace of he's controlling, he's paranoid etc that I couldn't see his angle and now im deeply regretting everything and I really do think I was the problem. He doesn't seem to be the same man with the new gf that I had or dealt with which obviously makes me see even more, I was the issue and I'm not sure how to cope with it all after really diving into everything and seeing a much different side to things.

He had serious trust issues with me...
Now I'm not a cheater, I never have been, I loved him so much I'd never have even dreamt of it. But I do admit I'm a big people pleaser and I say hello to everyone and I've a smile for everyone. It's just who I am. But this didn't go down well with him because to him it always seemed like I was flirting with other men from time to time. Looking back now I see when it all began. I remember a comment he made to me two years in when he collected me from my Job and I was telling him about my day at work and he said "it seems like you've more fun with the men at work than me" it immediately hit me there and then that he didn't trust me or like me interacting with other men. I naturally then learned to just keep things to myself incase he thought something more and that then played out into years of the relationship. I kept very innocent things like meeting or speaking to people while food shopping etc because I was afraid it would cause an argument or I was afraid he'd think x,y,z when in all honesty I now see I should've been truthful. I'd nothing to hide... But there was times I was caught out or let it slip accidentally and then it looked like I had something to be guilty of. I tried countless times to explain my side but it was pointless but now looking back I think I get where he was coming from.

After I had the kids he couldn't even be comfortable with me going to mother baby classes etc or joining up along side other mums. He was fearful of me making friends with new mums and their partners etc. I was questioned all the time about my whereabouts, who I'd spoke to etc that it all became so much that I pulled away. I became less loving and affectionate and put up a wall, which I never even realised I was doing and because of that he walked away along with not being able to deal with his paranoia over me. But I've now learned that paranoia was obviously just to do with me. He's not like that with his new gf. She's obviously much more honest and upfront so he's nothing to be paranoid about. She gets to go to all the mother baby classes that I had to avoid because he's not paranoid about her.
I had things said about clothing I wore, if something was too short or if he thought something was to revealing yet I see her out wearing practically nothing, boobs on show, dresses up her bum. Granted she's much younger than me but I wasn't wearing stuff like that, in fact I'd have known not to wear anything like that incase it made him uncomfortable with me or incase he thought I was doing it to impress other men.

I didnt go out anywhere on my own because again he didn't trust me and it would've caused arguments, but the new gf can go out alone and he's no issues with her, in fact I know he encourages her to go with friends or nights out while he's happy to stay at home with the baby.

Therefore I've come to the conclusion he wasn't an abusive controlling man. He was this way with me because of ME

There's many more things I could write about. My life in comparison to hers in a relationship with him is complete opposites and I'm gutted to realise I must have been the issue. I'm also gutted to realise I'm the reason I lost a man a very much loved, a man I created 20 years with, a future with, a family with and now I've absolutely nothing. I'm grieving so much and I'm struggling to deal with this must have all been my own doing. I've lost everything. And I feel this is my punishment of how he moved on so soon and straight into a new life with someone way prettier, much younger and she's much more going for her. And I'm left broken and broken that my own children now don't have their dad that they love so much under the same roof as them and its all my fault.

My ex is not the man he was with me, to what he is with her... I can see it. Therefore, I really was the problem and I'm not ready to move on with anyone else anyway, but it's also left me petrified. What if I cause someone else not to trust me the same way, what if I bring this all on myself again. I see so many problems with me now, where as I used to think this was all him. He wasn't controlling like I thought for all this time, it was my errors that made him be the way he was, if he was this controlling man then she'd be getting the same or wouldn't have all the freedom that I didn't get to have. It seems like a healthy,normal, happy relationship and he seems to be the partner I really wish he'd have been for me and I can't hold it against him now that I think the problem was me.

I cant believe I'm only seeing now that his ways that I thought were controlling wasn't actually controlling, it was just that he didn't comfortably trust me or couldn't feel at ease with me. I'm so cut up about it. I genuinely loved this man, I would never have cheated on him, I'd never have left that man for anything or anyone I was totally devoted to him. I'm devastated and devastated to see I was the issue and he's I a much better place than he ever was with me. I don't know how to cope with it all. I cant believe I got him so wrong, I should've listened better

@Mmhmmn I didn't make a good escape.. He did. I'm the one left debating everything, blaming myself, holding myself accountable.
I'm watching someone I very much love move on and be a completely different man so quickly to someone else.
I probably know and see too much for my own good as we all live in a very very small village so its hard to escape from and it's hard not to see it when it's all in front of your very eyes.

To me I just see how much better off he is and how quickly it literally all fell into his lap and I'm left behind picking up all these pieces of my broken life and wondering what on earth was it all for. Its all destroyed me and I'm struggling and I don't see the man I used to know and live with for all these years, I see someone him be a much healthier version with someone else. So I must have been the problem and its hard because I put my life and soul into this relationship just to end up feeling destroyed and not knowing who I am anymore but yet close enough to see his whole new life

.....missed out on things like that, those wee moments because I couldn't be trusted.

Couldn't be trusted with what? Going to a mum and baby group to talk about baby things with other women and then you'd be at risk of accidentally fucking their husbands?? Come on OP, this is NOT your fault. He was a controlling, abusive prick. Also you do not know what's happening in his current relationship, you don't know what is going on behind closed doors. Probably the abuse with her is yet to come.

He couldn't trust you. All the while, you could be trusted, there's a big difference, thats on him, not you.
He may well not trust her either, but you see her out doing it as most people would tell a man straight that they are being ridiculous. Did you get others to take your DC's to clubs on your behalf? Can't see how they went but you didn't.
Somehow he said jump and you asked how high, that leads to a path of control.
Your only flaw is that you appear easy to manipulate, so it came easy to him. You are actually right now spouting a lot of bilge about it being your fault, showing you are not thinkingclearly.
It's high time you moved on from this, however, it's history. Dwelling like this is not healthy and you are jumping to wrong conclusions because your MH is likely battered, from, guess what, being controlled! Probably best to discuss this with a counsellor, they will help you see it for what it was, which might help you move on and stop giving it headspace.

This.

He may be different with her than he was with you, and if he is that's likely because he's matured. That's not on you, that's him.

He was definitely controlling with you. You didn't force him.

Good god OP wtf has this man done to you?!

None of this was because of you!!! You have described a very emotionally abusing, controlling man!

I'll put this into perspective. Myself and my DP work in the same, mostly male industry. My colleagues are nearly all male. I go on training courses where I'm always the only female. I always end up making contacts.
I made a new contact on a course I attended in November. He messaged me 2 days after Xmas day with a photo of a new bit of kit he bought that I was interested in getting too. My DPs response to this guys sending me a msg? None. Couldn't care less. More interested in the kit that conversation. Why? TRUST.

This man wouldn't let you go to a fucking mother and baby class.
See this for what this is. You should be thanking your lucky stars you no longer have to be with a horrible man like this.
He WILL treat his new Mrs like this soon enough. But you don't need to wait or watch out for that to happen. You just have to move forward. Please seek some level of therapy. If you were my sister I'd wanna wobble your head for thinking something so silly.

It was never your fault.

Good god. I agree with all your other replies! Your ex was extremely controlling. Because you were in love, you tried not to upset him by concealing your day-to-day interactions ... and, sure enough, whenever he found out you'd been friendly to a male colleague, shopkeeper or whoever, he got irrationally upset. This 'proved' to you, as he dictated, that you were untrustworthy.

You weren't, you were just going about your normal daily life as a socially functional human. And trying not to 'upset' your socially dysfunctional husband.

Taking his extreme jealousy to mother & baby groups is so out there, you must be able to see there's no cause - real or imagined - for insecurity there? He can't really have expected you to have an affair with a post-partum mother or her baby, so this is unquestionable proof that his real motive was control, not insecurity.

He just hasn't got going with his new girlfriend yet. I bet he's working on her, though. I bet she's already started to second-guess herself.

What were the other issues you mention? From the little you mention, it seems your ex was what the Freedom Programme calls a Jailer. Most controlling men have characteristics from several of the stereotypes.

I strongly recommend you do the programme, either in person or online.

People don’t change though. We are who we are.
Someone who behaves the way you have described doesn’t magically stop being insecure and jealous and controlling just because they’re with someone else. It’s bound to start up in another way if it hasn’t yet. I guarantee to you - he might not be doing these things to her yet, or she might not realise how bad it is yet and certainly won’t show it outside of her relationship - but it will come.

@namechanger2024

Please, love, please STOP. You're taking his interpretation of things, local gossip about his new relationship, and your own poor self esteem and the lingering love you may have for him and you're putting the worst possible spin on each and every one of them. And then you're beating yourself over the head with them.

You need to find a good counselor and let them help you sort through all the 'junk' you've filled your head with and reach the right conclusions. You are NOT the 'villain' you seem determined to make yourself out to be. And he's certainly not the 'victim' you want to paint him. The counselor will help you sort the wheat from the chaff and put things where they belong in your head.

You deserve to live a happy life. A good counselor will help you do that.

You were right the first time.

Sounds awfully toxic and he was being emotionally abusive and controlling.

Awww honey, it was never you.

You are looking back on things with Rose coloured glasses, trying to romanticise this man & this relationship.

He WAS & IS an abusive, controlling dirt bag. Do not concern yourself with the new partner - his facade will slip soon enough & she too will see him for what he is.

Stay strong, look forward not backwards.

He’s frightened she will leave him as she’s young etc, so he’s dialled back his controlling ways - for now…

He is very emotionally abusive and controlling and it absolutely was not your fault. His new girlfriend will find out what he's really like in time, just like you did. Any man who had problems with a woman going to mum groups because he couldn't "trust her" is disturbed. That is NOT normal, and you're lucky to be away from him.

Please, OP, have as little to do with him as possible, and get counseling. He gaslighted you so thoroughly and for so long that you still think you're the problem. Counseling will help.

Sometimes 2 people are just not good together and bring out the worst in each other.
I dread to think where I’d be now if I was still with my teenage boyfriend. We were so intense it was the most amazing love until it wasn’t. He stopped me seeing friends, made me cut everyone out my life, wouldn’t let me wear certain clothes… Now looking back I was as bad as him. I’d push his buttons, try to rebel by saying/doing things I knew would annoy him. It was a horrible, volatile, childish relationship. One of the great things I got from it though was making mistakes. I won’t ever be treated like that again, I realised how unpredictable and unreliable guys could be and didn’t stand for what I didn’t find acceptable. I had a short shit relationship after it but my next was my DH and I’m so glad I made all those stupid mistakes back then. This wasn’t YOU it was both of you together. It didn’t work, too young, immature and unfortunately it can be hard to grow up together and maintain a decent relationship. He’s made his mistakes with you and now has a chance to do it right. You have that chance too, if you let yourself.

It wasn't you

OP he was abusive not because of you, because of him. He was and is abusive.

Don't blame yourself. You were right

OP I agree with everyone else. I think the mother and baby group comment stands out because it is points to something you now need. Try to join a group of women somewhere, now. Whether it’s a yoga class, or a Freedom Programme meet up, or a knitting circle, the PTA— whatever, I think you should start to repair the parts of your life that he took from you. Buy yourself a lovely new party dress and go out dancing with a friend. Only then will you see how bad he was, how things in general were.

You probably feel like a shell of your former self. I think some of your sorrow comes from mourning the person you were and how you (understandably, to survive) abandoned her. It sounds like real you went underground a long time ago. Well, it’s time to gently welcome her back now.

I bet that’s why you are so interested in the new woman: ‘why does she get to be whole?’

It wasn’t you. Sounds like he’s in the first year or so in this new relationship, so the honeymoon period. As soon as he starts to think she’s more separate to him than he feels comfortable with, he’ll start up again. It’s a pattern. You protected yourself and pulled back from him, that a usual reaction. Concentrate on you and your kids now. Be grateful he’s someone else’s problem and that you are free of him. Look up the freedom programme online. It’s called that because becoming free of the abusive pattern and the impact on your self is actually really hard and it’s common for women to blame themselves. This can then make them vulnerable to getting into similar relationships.

It wasn’t you. It was him. And it may well be on the cards for the new GF too. But that’s for her to deal with, if and when it happens.

Time for you to rebuild yourself and it will take time. I really think it would be good for you to seek therapy and get some support. There is a whole new life of freedom out there, if only you could see it and feel you deserve it.

OP, I think you would really benefit from therapy to work through this. You need to stop blaming yourself. Saying "I couldn't be trusted" makes absolutely no sense when you also say that you loved him so much and would never have cheated on him. Can you see the dissonance?

@namechanger2024

Please don't be so quick to take on all the blame for your relationship failing. You were open and honest with your partner about your life and he became jealous and insecure because part of you did not need him - you had friends and contacts outside your relationship, which he could not control. He drove your happiness in your whole life (not just with him) underground because he could not stand that there parts of your life (which you shared with him) that he could not control.

Did he ever, even once, suggest professional relationship counselling for the two if you to talk in a neutral environment? If he felt that things were so wrong, didn't he do so, if he didn't?

I agree with other posters - you don't know how he is in private with his new girlfriend. He's not been with her as long as he was with you- perhaps he'll come to resent her and try to control her so she's more like he wants her to be, the longer their relationship lasts.

Yes, you do need some personal 1:1 therapy for yourself. Start this new year with taking care of your emotional/mental health, because you are not this monster you are making yourself out to be. It's clear to us looking in - now you need help changing your perspective and seeing what we see. Good luck to you for a happier future. 🌹

It wasn’t you.

You said it yourself, it took until two years in to your relationship before you saw his true colours. Are they two years into their relationship yet?

All of those things you are telling us are massive red flags. He was controlling and abusive towards you. Reread what you have written. Put them as bullet points. Of course, he wants to blame you for the way he was. Of course he will also treat this woman in the same way.

This man couldn't even let you go to mother and baby classes. Think about that. What more innocent thing could you do?

Wow! He has you convinced that you are somehow the crazy woman who was at fault all along! Of course he’s not like that with his new partner - give it time. See what he’s like when she wants to go to baby classes or 10 yrs down the line.
I think you need to start working on your own mind and realise that you are a strong person who can move on from this. You are not the problem!

Op, I think you need some professional help to process your feelings. You’re trying to create a false narrative to explain why his new relationship is so different from your own.

Either he has seen the error of his ways and is a better, less controlling person with his new girlfriend, or she won’t tolerate the control and has firm boundaries.

Either way, the control that you experienced (that you have described in detail in your post, and that everyone here agrees is control) is the reason your relationship broke down. It was not your fault.