I thought my ex was emotionally abusive. I think I was wrong

[namechanger2024]

I was with my partner 20 years. We grew up from teens to late 30s together and have small children together.
He left last year as he said he couldn't deal with anything anymore with me (I pulled away emotionally and physically as I genuinely believed there was emotional abuse going on)
He found someone new within weeks and she got pregnant. I've obviously really struggled with it all and I've found myself going back through all my years with him and over times I thought he was controlling or manipulative and after having a few discussions with him, I've come to see it was actually me that was the problem. I'm to blame for why he was the way he was with me and I think I see it all very clearly now from his perspective, which he did try to tell me numerous times but I was too much in the headspace of he's controlling, he's paranoid etc that I couldn't see his angle and now im deeply regretting everything and I really do think I was the problem. He doesn't seem to be the same man with the new gf that I had or dealt with which obviously makes me see even more, I was the issue and I'm not sure how to cope with it all after really diving into everything and seeing a much different side to things.

He had serious trust issues with me...
Now I'm not a cheater, I never have been, I loved him so much I'd never have even dreamt of it. But I do admit I'm a big people pleaser and I say hello to everyone and I've a smile for everyone. It's just who I am. But this didn't go down well with him because to him it always seemed like I was flirting with other men from time to time. Looking back now I see when it all began. I remember a comment he made to me two years in when he collected me from my Job and I was telling him about my day at work and he said "it seems like you've more fun with the men at work than me" it immediately hit me there and then that he didn't trust me or like me interacting with other men. I naturally then learned to just keep things to myself incase he thought something more and that then played out into years of the relationship. I kept very innocent things like meeting or speaking to people while food shopping etc because I was afraid it would cause an argument or I was afraid he'd think x,y,z when in all honesty I now see I should've been truthful. I'd nothing to hide... But there was times I was caught out or let it slip accidentally and then it looked like I had something to be guilty of. I tried countless times to explain my side but it was pointless but now looking back I think I get where he was coming from.

After I had the kids he couldn't even be comfortable with me going to mother baby classes etc or joining up along side other mums. He was fearful of me making friends with new mums and their partners etc. I was questioned all the time about my whereabouts, who I'd spoke to etc that it all became so much that I pulled away. I became less loving and affectionate and put up a wall, which I never even realised I was doing and because of that he walked away along with not being able to deal with his paranoia over me. But I've now learned that paranoia was obviously just to do with me. He's not like that with his new gf. She's obviously much more honest and upfront so he's nothing to be paranoid about. She gets to go to all the mother baby classes that I had to avoid because he's not paranoid about her.
I had things said about clothing I wore, if something was too short or if he thought something was to revealing yet I see her out wearing practically nothing, boobs on show, dresses up her bum. Granted she's much younger than me but I wasn't wearing stuff like that, in fact I'd have known not to wear anything like that incase it made him uncomfortable with me or incase he thought I was doing it to impress other men.

I didnt go out anywhere on my own because again he didn't trust me and it would've caused arguments, but the new gf can go out alone and he's no issues with her, in fact I know he encourages her to go with friends or nights out while he's happy to stay at home with the baby.

Therefore I've come to the conclusion he wasn't an abusive controlling man. He was this way with me because of ME

There's many more things I could write about. My life in comparison to hers in a relationship with him is complete opposites and I'm gutted to realise I must have been the issue. I'm also gutted to realise I'm the reason I lost a man a very much loved, a man I created 20 years with, a future with, a family with and now I've absolutely nothing. I'm grieving so much and I'm struggling to deal with this must have all been my own doing. I've lost everything. And I feel this is my punishment of how he moved on so soon and straight into a new life with someone way prettier, much younger and she's much more going for her. And I'm left broken and broken that my own children now don't have their dad that they love so much under the same roof as them and its all my fault.

My ex is not the man he was with me, to what he is with her... I can see it. Therefore, I really was the problem and I'm not ready to move on with anyone else anyway, but it's also left me petrified. What if I cause someone else not to trust me the same way, what if I bring this all on myself again. I see so many problems with me now, where as I used to think this was all him. He wasn't controlling like I thought for all this time, it was my errors that made him be the way he was, if he was this controlling man then she'd be getting the same or wouldn't have all the freedom that I didn't get to have. It seems like a healthy,normal, happy relationship and he seems to be the partner I really wish he'd have been for me and I can't hold it against him now that I think the problem was me.

I cant believe I'm only seeing now that his ways that I thought were controlling wasn't actually controlling, it was just that he didn't comfortably trust me or couldn't feel at ease with me. I'm so cut up about it. I genuinely loved this man, I would never have cheated on him, I'd never have left that man for anything or anyone I was totally devoted to him. I'm devastated and devastated to see I was the issue and he's I a much better place than he ever was with me. I don't know how to cope with it all. I cant believe I got him so wrong, I should've listened better

I'm sorry to anyone who thinks this is a piss take. I wish it was!
This is my life and what I'm trying to work through in my head while also rearing small children on my own as a single mum and watching him just jump straight into something else with someone else as if I meant nothing. It has left me questioning so many things about myself that I've been suicidal at times so NO this unfortunately isn't a piss take. This is someone who's actually really struggling and just wanted to connect with others who might help me see some sense. And yes my confidence is on the floor... Someone I spent all my life with has walked out on me and left me quite literally in a pile on the floor while he's quite happy as is his new partner and it's very hard to cope with and I've been told I'm to blame, I'm to blame that he even felt the need to start seeing someone else.
She give him attention and made him feel wanted and needed where as I didn't. He thought I didn't find him attractive anymore because I wasn't interested in having sex every single night. Therefore basically there wouldn't have been a pregnancy if I'd just made him feel like I wanted him more. He thought I was going to leave him

Please share these thoughts and feelings with the professionals who support you so they can help you understand how you’ve got this wrong.

I think I'll just request mumsnet to remove my post because I didn't expect people to say stuff like is this a reverse.. whatever that means, or question if this is someone taking the mick. I'm sorry but who on earth does something like that, and what would be the purpose of it

I was simply trying to help make sense of where my head is at and now just regret it completely.

Thanks to anyone who did kindly respond in a decent way, I appreciate it but to the people who think differently towards my post I'm sorry if I sound that pathetic that you question how genuine my post is, maybe now you'll see how actually messed up my head is left and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. But he does seem like a completely different character to me with her and it does make you think then it must have all been my own doing. I'm glad you can't quite understand what that must do to a human being and you should be greatful for that

i suspect the fact that you were young teenagers when you met is potentially at the heart of this, the dynamic started as unhealthy and was never broken, he never left the toxic viewpoint of a teenage boy with you. With his new partner he was an adult she was an adult and the dynamic has started out much better

you also need to let go of the dynamic as well and get counselling

@Nicole1111 I am seeking help, I'd like to put my grief to bed and just move in for my children. In all honesty I'd rather just leave the place I'm in so I don't have to see this all rubbed in my face. Because that's what's being done

Hi OP.

I'm someone who has been in a highly abusive relationship, and I'm also one of the people who find your post off. I'll try and explain why, because you seem upset.

When I was being abused, I knew it wasn't right. I didn't realise just how badly, until I was out of the fire so to speak, but I knew I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I also knew he lied, continually. I knew that his smashing things when I caught him out lying and then it being "my fault, look what I'd provoked him to do" was abuse. Very few women who are abused, have absolutely no idea that they are being abused. They know they shouldn't be treated like that. It's often that the abuser has just broken their esteem, spirit, mental health, support network, that they just remain, in this fog filled limbo.

Your post read very much like "This guy, wouldn't let me do anything, was controlling, unkind, derogatory, awful person, lied.... So it's me that's the problem, isn't it everybody!.....Whaaaat? You mean he was abusive?"

That's why someone else has commented it's a "piss take". It doesn't read like you are in genuine doubt.

I hope that helps you understand why some of us have interpreted your words that way. It's not a disbelief that the situation could occur. Believe me, we know all too well.

Wishing you the best OP.

Op your behaviour towards him was a reaction to his own behaviour, he was controlling and over bearing and anyone and I mean anyone would shut off and put a wall up to that degree of control it’s a death by a thousand paper cuts.

You couldn’t tell him about your working day, couldn’t go to baby groups, couldn’t wear clothes like his ex is wearing now etc.

That isn’t normal, or a healthy relationship and he’s met someone younger now and moved on so quickly because someone younger is easier to manipulate straight out of an abusers handbook.

Stop talking to him about this stuff because all he’s doing is gas lighting you into the bad guy so you don’t keep thinking bad of him moving on so quickly because it looks hypercritical of him to give you a hard time over trusting you when he moved on just as quick. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had her waiting in the wings for him.

only talk about the kids with him and nothing else now, he was 100% controlling and 100% abusive and this new person he’s with the worst is yet to come.

I hope you find the strength for some counselling and a way to move forward with your life listen to everyone on here OP everyone who has commented about him has said he was abusive.

I haven't read everything so I'm sorry if this has already come up, but it was definitely him.
He brainwashed you into thinking you need to tell him every explicit detail of your day otherwise you were accused of lying or withholding information and therfore acting suspicious right? This is psychological abuse.
Normal people don't require their other half to tell them everything exactly all the time. Who they spoke to in the shop, conversations they had at work, what time exactly they took the dog out. Of course you can share these things and mention them, either immediately or 3 weeks later, but they never become a problem nor is not mentioning it used against you in a normal healthy relationship.

In addition to this, I haven't always trusted my partners, sometimes rightly so. But never did that ever lead to me even thinking about trying to stop them from going places or seeing friends. Cause that's weird. And it's got nothing to do with trust but everything with control.

he will abuse her too as soon as he realises she has life outside of him

his paranoid behaviour was not your fault, give him time and he will be telling her to avoid eye contact with strangers

the only reason he is different with her than he was with you is that this is a new relationship

it took years for him to wear you down, gaslight you and abuse you, he can't immediately start doing the same to her ot she will leave him

@namechanger2024 - I can only repeat my previous advice:

you NEED therapy to get to the bottom of your emotions and learn to build self esteem and strong boundaries. I strongly urge you to make this an absolute priority.

You WERE being abused and you should thank your lucky stars that you got away. Now you need to use your freedom to prepare for a life where you don't ever accept abuse

in bad relationships, both parties generally do have some responsibility. They feed off one another and continue to amplify one another’s worst traits.

that still doesn’t mean he wasn’t controlling and abusive. It still doesn’t make you responsible for his behavior.

OP, I was with my first boyfriend from 16-19, so nowhere near as long as you were with your ex, but he was abusive and controlling. Early on in our relationship, a complete stranger approached me in a nightclub to warn me about ‘that man you’re with’, and told me ‘he hits women’. It turned out to be a friend of his ex. I confronted him and of course he denied it all and said his ex had in fact been the abuser.

After we split up he met someone else and married her fairly quickly. I kept thinking he would soon reveal his true colours as an abuser and she would leave him. They are still together 25 years later. She seems like a really smart, independent and accomplished woman and they appear to have a happy marriage. In my more insecure moments, I’ve thought that perhaps I was the problem because otherwise how could they have been together all this time? How could such an impressive woman put up with abuse?

But I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Perhaps he is as awful as he ever was and she feels unable to leave (he used to threaten suicide all the time to me and perhaps does to her). Perhaps she’s scared of him. Or perhaps he had some therapy and was able to change (he was very young when we were together).

But either way, I KNOW what happened between him and me and I KNOW I didn’t cause it or deserve it. I hear through the grapevine that his wife had an affair recently so all is obviously not rosy.

Once you’ve reached a point of acceptance that he was abusive it won’t hurt in the same way to see him moving on. You might even begin to feel sorry for his new partner as you’ll recognise he’s likely to follow the same patterns, even if he might not be now. Keep working with the professionals, read women who love too much, read attached, read overcoming low self esteem and do the freedom programme.

He sounds incredibly controlling... But in all honesty it sounds like you both also just brought out the worst in eachother and were very poorly suited. It's not your fault - but it's a very good thing you're no longer together.

For example, my DH was jealous of men fancying me when I met him, didn't want me to go out in certain clothes. I told him to stop being ridiculous, was also super reassuring to him as I recognised he was feeling insecure - and he's fine now. He's a million times more confident. And me too. We're good for eachother.

Another guy I dated would blow hot and cold - so I'd be mean to him. He'd then beg for me back. Then resent me for it and blow cold. Then I'd get furiously angry with him. Rinse and repeat. We would wind eachother up constantly. I hated who I was when I was with him.

No one was really at fault. We just weren't well suited.

Whether or not your ex DH was to blame or you were - it doesn't matter. You weren't good for eachother.

Surely the issue in your OP is where you say you have come to the realisation ‘after having a few discussions with him’?

He’s not the person to discuss this with, as he will have an interest in making you out to be crazy and controlling because he won’t accept any responsibility and needs a reason why you have separated despite having young DC (and no doubt is telling his new woman that you are crazy and controlling). There is not any point in discussing your relationship breakdown with your ex.

The reality you had in this relationship was the way you felt at the time. Not how you feel about it now, or how he tells you it was, or any number of ways the past can be re-written. He’s basically still trying to control the way you understand what happened; doesn’t mean that was how it happened.

I don’t agree that you always know you are being controlled, in fact because control is sometimes disguised as love and care, it can be hard to recognise until you spot the patterns and realise. So for example, someone who always comes out with you ‘because I love you and want to spend time with you’ is harder to spot as controlling than someone who makes you sit in front of a camera whilst they are out so they can see what you are doing. Sometimes people modify their own behaviour because it is easier than facing negative comments or criticism. So you say you stopped going out because you didn’t want him not to trust you - yet it was he who did not trust you.

The final thing is that often it is easier to blame ourselves than accept that we have been a victim of abuse. I don’t know why that is - maybe because it undermines our security and beliefs that people and the world are fundamentally good.

I don't think this is a reverse, OP. I think it's the outpouring of a woman whose marriage ended because she wouldn't kowtow to her controlling partner and who, now he's her ex, has decided to sit her down and gaslight the shit out of her to make her think she was the one who messed it up. You didn't. You really, really didn't. The only reason he's not doing the same with the new girlfriend is because she's already got the measure of him. That's not a reflection on you, btw. You're just very different women. But mark my words, he's pulling the guilt crap on you and continuing to gaslight you because you are the only person he knows he can still control.

Oh OP, he’s either done a total number on you (he has) or you are the wettest lettuce I’ve ever read about on Mumsnet.

@Snowdogsmitten I understand that...
I've always been an easy walk over, I've poor boundaries. It's also what I've come to talk about in therapy. I don't ever stand up for myself because I worry too much about other people's opinions rather than not giving a shit and doing what's best for me. So I probably agree with your comment about being the wettest lettuce because I do understand how pathetic I seem.

@DaffodilsAlready at the time, before we broke up I was definitely certain things weren't right.. he'd go for days without speaking to me. I used to wake up in the morning wondering what version I'd get today. Like jekyll and Hyde. I always felt like I walked on eggshells and this was well before we had any babies. But I've always know his troubled past and blamed it a lot on that.. He would apologise to me and break down telling me he was out of line etc and I learned to brush all under the rug.
But when I was in the thick of it, it felt like emotional abuse and the signs showed me emotional abuse, but I suppose I'm so used to over the years explaining it away...
And I think because I'm not living it now im thinking "was it that bad" but in all honesty I think icarry a lot of blame because after I had our youngest child I had severe postnatal depression and I didn't pander to him and his needs like I used to because I was struggling and I think I ended up more or less mirroring his behaviour back onto him at times by just shutting down on him. After he left that was his main thing to tell me was how I changed and shut down and was unloving. So I carry that blame on myself, I never intended on that to happen. Just with everything in the relationship, being a mum and dealing with pnd my mind just cut off. I'd say if I was still in the relationship I'd probably be on here tonight asking "is this abuse" but now I'm out it's like my mind has done a 360 turn and I'm remembering all the very good things in the relationship and like my brain is filtering out the negative.

Does that make sense in any way? And then seeing how he's this different person to someone else makes me sad for myself wondering why couldn't he have just been that version with me, why did I deserve the shitty parts when I was so good to him.

I do think I'm gaslighting myself a lot. I know how I felt in those moments, I know I thought to myself this isn't right. I'm not sure if it's maybe jealousy in me doing this. I think if he'd just went out and slept about etc I wouldn't be questioning so much. I suppose it's the fact his new relationship looks so very perfect to me in comparison to ours that I'm just shocked and taken back that it's made me question myself

But when I was in the thick of it, it felt like emotional abuse and the signs showed me emotional abuse, but I suppose I'm so used to over the years explaining it away...
It felt like emotional abuse because it was.

And I think because I'm not living it now im thinking "was it that bad" but in all honesty I think icarry a lot of blame because after I had our youngest child I had severe postnatal depression and I didn't pander to him and his needs like I used to because I was struggling
You were ill. He should have been pandering to you.

Please don't excuse his bad behaviour and take the blame yourself.

I know this may sound awful on my own behalf but it is heartbreaking to see everything fall into the man's lap after what I put up with and because of how much love he did take from me through all these yrs. I put so much into him, my life with him, I give up many things in the hope he'd feel more secure and he'd know my relationship with him meant everything to me.

I'm just hurting that I've been left behind like nothing and I've to relearn a life all by myself whilst being a single mum to the small children we have. He hasn't had to face the hardship of anything here, he went from one relationship to another. He hasn't had to sit on his own like I have and fall apart. He just gets to be happy while he's left me destroyed and I find it really hard. I will now find it hard to find anyone else (when I'm ready) and ill find it hard to go Into another relationship seeing as I put so long with someone else and got really hurt and betrayed. A few ppl have suggested this was all most likely going on before he left, but I've no proof of that, I've a feeling but nothing concrete.
Hes left me with so much baggage and issues that I'm scared I'll never recover from him

He's still abusing you.

My abusive ex was like a new.man with his.new partner. He never got the chance to tell me in person because I never let him know where I was but people around him took great pains to let me know how wrong I must have been about him.

Years later, his new ex sought me out at the suggestion of her therapist because he'd dropped the charm and treated her much worse than he did me.

Every word of this. It's not your fault you got PND, and probably his utterly shitty behaviour made you more vulnerable to it anyway.

Honestly, in your shoes I'd move so I didn't have to see your ex or his new partner ever again.

His new partner's life is not the bed of roses you think it is.

Men like this do not change. Not in the long run. At the moment, it is all still fairly new and he's keeping a lid on it all, but you mark my words, it won't be long before he starts up again and blames her for all her supposed 'faults'.

He's done a right number on you hasn't he? He abused you for years, and still it continues, because he's managed to completely convince you that it was you who made him do it.

This is all on him not you.
He was insecure and jealous so he kept you on a short leash that way you would think it was you and not him.
If you made friends then you may have realised what he was like and left him. Also he wouldn’t have liked others knowing who the real him was. .

This new women clearly doesn’t put up with any crap , or maybe they argue all the time or also maybe it’s just early days and he hasn’t worn her down,,,, yet .