How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

Hi MHIS (I'm sure it is and I'm not surprised). Lots of good advice and responses so far. What I am thinking is if in the future. if you manage to reach a status quo and rub along together in your marriage with him still being controlling and you not knowing when he is going to have one of his 'indecisive phases' which you say happen, how are you not going to get angry and resentful of the way he has acted now. How can a man say such dreadful things to a woman he loves? Is he going to be the same and do the same to his child when she is older? Will you be able to defend her against this bully? Can you walk on eggshells for the rest of your life if you have to? To make sure you don't upset him incase he has a 'turn'. These first few months with a new baby, especially a premature baby, are the most precious and you can never get this time back. Is this how you are going to remember them and do you really think in your heart that life will improve? You are vulnerable and he knows this yet he still carries on and on and on.

Have only read OP, but he sounds like he has PND

Lotstodo - I don't want to just reach a status quo! I want things to improve and for us to start to resolve the issues once and for all. I realise this may mean the end of our marriage but as you say I can't walk on eggshells for the rest of my life and I need to make sure we work things out one way or another. Hopefully tho we will work things out and come out of this a stronger couple.

Ever the optimist when things are going well I don't think about the bad times and I'm not always worrying if it will happen again. Think that this is why it hits me like a bolt when it does happen.

Although he is appearing controlling I am the one who needs to have control over a situation and I am the one who makes the majority of decision - mainly day to day - in our relationship. Which is why the counsellor - amongst other reasons - feels that I may be parenting him.

The fact that I am taking control of the situation by going to counselling has given me a real boost. Hopefully soon he will want to go too. I really feel that a session on his own would do him the world of good but realise that he has to feel that it's right for it to have any chance of working. Then we can start to go to sessions together and work through things as a couple.

I am going to make a real conscious effort to change the way I behave towards him and hopefully he will get some balls to make his own decisions once and for all. I obviously want this to be the decision that he stays with me BUT I am preparing myself for whatever it is, however hard that is.

MHIS, I'm glad that you found the counselling useful and are feeling positive. From what the counsellor is saying, hopefully, if you alter your behaviour, he will be able to change his too, sufficiently that you can find a way to live together happily. I am doubtful but you never know and it sounds as if you are prepared to face the possibility that it won't work but you need to work through it. I agree that is the best way to approach this and that you need to be more assertive and concentrate on making yourself happy, take the pressure off him. He may then see you differently. Only he can change his behaviour. Only you can change yours. This goes for all of us.

Dear MHIS in your last posts you really do sound stronger already and at least you know what you are dealing with now. Also I think some of us, as parents, probably parent our partner also without realising it to a certain extent. You sound positive. Have a good day.

I haven't been able to read all of the replies on this thread, so may be repeating some points, but I have read all of your entries MHIS and I would suggest you maybe do the same if you can, but imagine you are reading a strangers words. Maybe then you could see how badly your husband is treating you and your DD.

I am absolutely astounded by the cruel, hurtful and heartless things he has said to you, and the way that you have been able to excuse them for him.

This is not an acceptable way to be treated. You deserve a great deal more.

I know how your strength must have been sapped by the birth, caring for your daughter, BFing and all the rest, but my god, find your inner 'lioness' because this man is trying to destroy you and that is absolutely unacceptable. You are a mother of a daughter and one day she is going to thank you for teaching her right from the start that love is not about blindly accepting how someone treats, however much they say they love you, but its about having pride, dignity and respect, and the other person sharing those feelings.

He does sound as if he could well be suffering from a form of depression, but its seems more likely that he is more in need of growing a pair of testicles. And if he can't manage, you are going to have to get yourself some because your DD needs you. I am not belittling depression in anyway as I suffer from a chronic condition myself, and have done for twenty years. However, when I became a parent I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps (I am sounding about a hundred here!) and bloody well get on with it. The time for navel gazing was a year ago, not now.

I sincerely hope that you are able to come to the right decision for you and your DD, however painful that may be in the short term, at the end of the day you are her mum, act in a way you would wish her to act.

Good luck.

Hi, I haven't read all the posts but just wanted to say that having been through the SCBU experience - don't underestimate how it can affect your relationship. I went through a similar thing - I and DD almost died and DH, I felt, could have done much more to support us during our time in hospital. Perhaps I had too high expectations? I also compared DH to other DH's IYSWIM. We had been married less than a year as well.

To be honest its a year later and we are just coming back from it. A nurse in Special Care told me that more than half the parents she kept in touch with were divorced within 2 years and she felt it was a lot to do with the impact of having a prem baby. We've both said some really horrible things to each other and its been difficult for me to let go of my anger and for DH to feel that he didn't fit in as I was coping so well..

Anyway what I am trying to say is be kind to yourself first as other posters have said, but be also kind to your DH. You have both been through a real trauma.

Thanks Numbercruncher - good to hear that what I think is happening - ie SCBU experience being a key factor in this issue - could actually be the case.

I was doing really well yesterday. Noticed that he had not wore his wedding ring at all this week - neither did he on Fri or Saturday. Decided not to mention it but TBH it is really upsetting me. I also suspected thathe was just trying to make me upset so was determined not to rise to the bait and mention it.

However I keep thinking about it and this morning he gave me a kiss before going to work and I (causally said ) do you want your ring. He replied...'might do....but not right thank you'. I asked why and he said he doesn't want to wear it right now just because...

I asked if he has thought about seeign the counsellor and he said 'breifly'

I hate myself for falling into a trap as I now do think that he was just waiting for me to say something.

Also feel so angry with him for putting me through this.

Should say ...'might do....but not right NOW thank you'

Anyone? I'm probably laying myself open to criticism from my last post but could do with some support right now

God I feel so alone at the moment. I'm aching for a hug off DH - but one that means something and that he wants to give. In recent days he has stopped any physical contact with me and it hurts so much. He hasn't mentioned why and I don't want to ask cos that defeats the object.

I can get hugs of my friends but they're not the same are they.

Hi - didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Is there something you can do today - just for you and promise that you are not going to think about your situation? Even for 30 mins etc? It feels that he has the power at the moment and you are waiting with baited breath for his moves. That's a horrible situation for you to be in.

If you can just find one thing to do today which you as an individual enjoy which brings you pleasure - mine is looking around the shops or meet up with a pal. Give it to yourself as a reward for not thinking about DH for a couple of hours. Can anyone look after your DD for a few hours etc? Or why don't you pop out for a drink this evening with a friend.

Hope this helps - thinking of you

xx

Thanks Numbercrunch. I'm going out shortly too meet with a few friends. Would love to go out this evening but DD is demand breastfed so can't do that at the moment.

You are right though I am waiting with baited breath and it's just HORRIBLE and I hate him for making me feel like this and myself for being like this.

However I don't want to appear needy to him and the counsellor said that it is important that I remain assertive. Just sooo bloody difficult atm

I guess you can't leave DD with an expressed bottle atm?

By the way you've done amazingly well to breastfeed a prem.

Have a good relaxing time.

Thinking of you

Hi - I haven't read all the posts but just wanted to add something.

My first DS was born prem and with other probs, and I was on ITU as well. Me and XH never recovered from this and we got divorced just over 2 years later. I felt that he didn't give me enough support, he was fed up with my depression and he got down and lazy himself.

It is sad and I really hope you can make things work.

It is good that there are some people here who can understand your situation because they have been through something similar. It makes me really cross that he is continuing to torture you like this. His comment of 'briefly', when you asked him about whether he was considering the counselling, says it all to me.

I do have some inkling of how hard it is not to fall into the traps he is setting. I think that is the only thing you can try to do, though. Try and act as if it is just you and your baby. To all intents and purposes that IS how it is. As NC has said, try and find some ways of distracting yourself from your longing for him. Of being nice to yourself. Mumsnet is fine but I think you have to muster whatever support you can find in real life too. Be honest with your friends and family that things are not right and ask them to look after you a bit. You need that support because you are very fragile right now.

It would be easier if he would move out. Then, at least, you wouldn't have to tiptoe around him all the time. But I suppose you would have a different problem then of wondering what he was doing, etc.. It is a really difficult situation. I'm not sure how much longer you will be able to stand it. But, for now, you just have to try and ignore him, low react, and keep looking after yourself and your baby.

I will post what i did when you first posted. have some self respect, take control of the situation and dont let him determine the course of your life.

sorry if i sound harsh but you really need to take ownership of this situation

I just want to add my support and sympathies as someone who is going through something similar. My baby is now 8 weeks old and my partner waited till 2 weeks ago to tell me he wasn't that happy in our relationship and was thinking of leaving. We're giving it our best shot for now, but its horrible being stuck in limbo and feeling at their mercy. At the same time I totally know what you mean about being scared to encourage him to move out to sort out what he wants in case thats the wrong thing to do.

Its so horrible to feel that you're wasting these precious first months with your baby, constantly worrying about your relationship. I think the main thing you can do now is focus on your LO and your love for her and see what happens next with your relationship, but try not to be a walkover - be fair and as understanding as he deserves but remember at the end of the day you need to look after your LO and yourself first and foremost.

my lord how I want to shake your husband till his teeth rattle. Its like he thinks he's starring in OC or something and life is all emotion and drama. I swear to god some men get off on being the centre of attention even when that attention is negative. Sexy eyes? too short? How old is he anyway? Did he propose by carving your initials in a heart on a tree?!

Take control of your life and emotions, its great that you're seeing the counsellor. If this is meant to be then it'll be with a stronger, more robust you and if it isnt meant to be then you'll be stronger anyway. Win win.

(rolls sleeves up to help in any shaking needed)

Some men can't cope with, or just don't want, responsibility, family life. They will never tell you this because it would weaken their position, put them in the wrong, but that is what it is. We all have a role to play in the world but some men are not designed to be fathers and husbands, no matter how good they are at play-acting it. It would just be better if they would realise this upfront and be honest about it, but they won't.

Sounds like he lacks the courage to end the relationship and be the one to blame. He wants you to make the decision to finish it and absolve him of the responsibility. He's making a pretty strong effort to provoke you into doing this. Why don't you try this and see how he responds...
[1] If you want this relationship to be over, say so and go.
[2] If you want this relationship to continue, you must take some responsibility for it. We must get some outside help and you must stop torturing me.

YeahBut has a brilliant post there. Especially as he is not wearing his wedding ring and just knows that you are going to mention it - who wouldn't! So ball is back in his court again! I would give him the (1) and (2) options. How long more can you be tortured like this? He is definitely not going to respect you if you allow him to carry on like this indefinitely.

Sprogger, that sounds so familiar to me. My xp is always in what he calls 'serious' relationships which he ends as soon as the woman commits herself to him. He is a total commitment-phobe but still manages to delude himself that he isn't. He only ever wants what he can't have until he gets it and then he doesn't want it any more.

Hey MHIS not been on for a couple of weeks. I have been staying at exDPs or rather when we are there he is absolutely fine. We are back at mine this weekend as DS is christened tomorrow. None of DPs friends know about the split so its playing happy families for a day. I am waiting for him to blank me come next week when i am home 4 good like he always does. How you doing now?? x