How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

Oh Skidoodle - I complete agree about MIL. She said far more things which I won't go into but yes can see exactly why he is like he is.

She isn't a bad person and has a lot of good qualities BUT she interfers - she is completely unaware of what she is doing tho and thinks that she isn't interfering at all.

MHIS well done for coping - and for being so strong. It's only the way you have dealt with it, that is giving him the chance to think - is this really what he wants?

And it is sadly human nature that someone who is there for the taking is not so 'attractive' - he sounds as if this is a factor with him. It's down to immaturity basically; because of his immaturity he's obviously been feeling like running away from the reality of commitment that is having a child with someone.....but having that decision taken out of his hands is, I am sure, the BEST thing that could have happened. You have and are dealing with it brilliantly.

He is now saying much more of the 'right' things...it's a good start.

Keep strong - you are amazing!

I agree with HonoriaGlossop, but I see things slightly differently.

The way I read the situation you are finally putting the decision in his hands - is this what he wants? does he love you? does he want a life with you and your daughter?

For what might be the first time in his life he is going to actually have to figure out what he wants and take steps to try and get it with no guarantee of succeeding.

He's been able to go along with things for so long and never take responsibility for how things turned out. Now he must.

I'm glad his e-mail has made you feel a little better. You needed this boost to your self-esteem. Just don't let one nice e-mail do more work than it should. He has a long way to go. Words are cheap, they are a start, but they are so easy to say. A little concilliatory action and behaviour would be good from him now. Lwt him struggle to save the relationship. It will have far more value for him, if he has to put some effort into it.

You are right his email has given me some self esteem back but I'm not going to get carried away! This is a TINY step in the right direction. Nothing more.

well im a firm believer that actions speak louder than words......dont want to piss on your parade, but remember an email full of words is bnot gonna put the wrongs right...........make him bloody work for it

Fawkeoff - that is exactly what I plan to do. It's too easy to just say things. He now has to prove to me.

Then I will decide if I can ever take him back.

Not replied to him yet been out with friends and out angain shortly so he will have to wait.

i like your attitude.....i am dealing with a RL friends heartache right now.....4 dc, 9 years and he has left her and is playin dad to a new womans 3 kids

Fawkeoff your RL friend's (D)H sounds like a right B*&^%&d

Dittany - I know. That's why I'm not just going to welcome him back with open arms he is realy going to have to pull out all the stops and then some for me to even consider if IU want him back - Deep down I think I do but not until he has made massive changes and shown a great deal more remorse for what he has done.

But like you say by then I may have decided I def don't want him

I am composing my reply to his email where he has said he loves me and wants to talk, he is going to use this time to think hard about what he has done and to make positive changes to himself.

Basically my reply says

I agree he needs to take time to refelct on what he has done but also take responsibility for his actions and deal with the underlying issues that have lead to such behaviour.

I understand that he wants to talk but I am not ready yet. I need time and space to think about what has happened and how I want to move forward.

I have said that I am prepared to receive emails from him if he has things he wants to say but actions speak louder than words and it's what he does now that is important.

I have told him that DD is fine and I will be in touch in the next few days to arrange contact next week.

What do you think?

Not sure if I am sounding too soft..I don't want to talk to him but I am interested to hear what he has to say for himself...am I falling into a trap tho?

Thanks for your comments dittany.

I have changed the paragraph re email contact to

I am prepared to receive emails from you if there are things you want to say to me but you must appreciate that I am not willing to enter into a dialogue.

or maybe just

I am prepared to receive emails from you. However you must appreciate that I am not willing to enter into a dialogue.

Re this being similar to any other relationship no. However this is the only serious relationship I have had as we have been togetehr since our teens.

Not 100% sure I am going to send the reply, in any case it won't be till tomorrow at the earliest when I have also shown to RL friend!

I want to sleep on it too.

Don't reply to him today; you don't want him to think you're sitting at the computer waiting for his emails. Let him wait at least until tomorrow. Let him sweat. let him worry that he has lost you forever. It sounds like only when he is scared that he'll lose you will he actually value you.

X posted! Well done; make him wait.

I don't think you need to say anything about being prepared to accept e-mails from him.

Unless you were to blacklist, him he knows that if he sends an e-mail, you'll get it.

If your message is that you don't want any contact for a while, then just say that as clearly and succinctly as you can.

Don't make the rules too complicated, there's no need. Keep everything as simple as you can.

Just about to post that I am going to leave the email paragraph out all together!

Won't decide on sending it til tomorrow tho

Right def off to bed to sleep on it now. Thanks x

I've slept on it and I'm going to send something along the lines of

I agree that he needs to use this time to reflect on what he has done and to take responsibility for his actions and deal with the underlying issues.

I understand that he wants to talk but I am not ready to speak to him. I need time and space to think about what has happened and how I want to move forward. If he really does love me then he must respect that.

Then details of arranging to see LO.

That way I am not inviting him to email but haven't explicitly said either way just that I don't want to SPEAK to him. Then if he does email I can choose whether I want to respond or not.

What do you think?

Anyone??

Not sure how to word the para re access to DD. I have put he can see her on a specifica day and time this week. This is the most convenient day and time for me and also ties in with her Bathtime - thinking I can let him do that! Was rhinking of asking would he like to se her but that leave me open to a discussion if he wants to see her on another day and I'm not prepared to do that at the moment. It has to be on my terms.

However it also happens to be the first day he is due back in work and will mean him finishing on time to come see her. I'm a bit concerned that this will look contrived on my part (which in a way it is - I suppose I am testing to see if he will put his money where his mouth is and make the effort to see LO) so that he can't do anything after work with the OW. - Although I do realise that if he is seeing her still nothing will stop this other than him.

Just don't want him to read into it.

Any suggestions?

I wouldn't put 'if he really does love me he must respect that', I just think it's unecessary and you sound much stronger if you leave that bit out. Otherwise it's really good.

I wouldn't agonise about the timing of hat you're offering him for contact with DD; sounds fine to me! And it's one of his first chances to walk the walk, isn't it; all he has to do is finish on time, or very nearly, and come and see his daughter. Not rocket science....

Hmm see what you are saying about the 'i he really does love me' I think my thoughts behind that was to say talk is cheap you need to prove it now.

Not sure what to do..

Hello MHIS! I finally have access to a computer again

It sounds like you are doing brilliantly! Well done you. I know you feel like you're falling apart and it's all impossible, but you really are holding it all together and demonstrating such strength and dignity.

By throwing him out you are not closing the door on a future relationship, you are closing the door on the crappy relationship you were having.

That relationship is now over. Finished. Gone forever. For you two to have a future together it would be a new and completely different relationship. And before that can begin he has to change; he has to become the man that he needs to be.

Would I be right in thinking that he went straight from living with his mum to living with you? It just seems like he never had to work out how to live without being looked after. Which would explain why he has taken so mcuh for granted.

There are so many ways that he could prove he has changed - move jobs, even getting his own place. But this will take time.

The best thing you can for any future relationship you could have is exactly what you are doing, let him get on with it. Let him grow up a bit and realise that the world does not revolve around him. Try to minimise any personal things in e-mails; keep it to practicalities about your dd or financial issues. Maintain an emotional distance for your own sake. Let him see that it was a case of "wanting" to be with him, and never "needing" to be.

Do say when he can see your dd, but don't let him choose where and when. Could you not meet somewhere neutral, so that he does not have the opportunity to wheedle his way back in or overstay his welcome. It's also really important that he does not view his access time as an opportunity to talk to you (and not see her). Would it be possible to have a friend over so that you can drink tea and have a chat in the kitchen while he sees dd, so that he doesn't have a chance to emotionally blackmail you into making decisions without a chance to think.

I am so impressed by you so far. Just keep going, a day at a time. The more time he has to himself, the more of a chance he has to realise everything he has done, and everything he has lost by doing it.

YKNOTC - I'm so glad your back!

What do you think of my reply to him?
I will have someone here when he comes over.

I think it's really good.

Try to keep a business-like matter-of-fact tone.

If he comes back with any crap along the lines of "oh I can't make it at that time" then he is trying to regain control. Don't let him. Don't try to fit around him - he must now fit around you. Offer him the same time the week after.

I'm glad you'll have a friend there to back you up.

I'm really hoping that he won't be stupid enough to try to play silly games at this point, but be prepared for anything.

I see why you want to say something about proving his love. But it is very tricky to get the tone right and not sound needy. It might be easier to leave that bit out for now if you're not sure about it. Keep this all as simple as you can. Anything you feel uncertain about, leave it out. You don't need to think beyond this week at the moment.

Ok I have changed it to simply - Please respect that.

Going to send it now.