How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

It sounds like everyone in your life who loves you is telling you to take some time away from him and even you seem to think that's the wise thing to do, so I'd suggest keeping your resolve for the moment.

He is pissed off because he thought that you would always put up with his infidelity because you loved him so much......so kicking him out will really have put a spanner in the works whether or not he has slept with OW would be of little relevance to me......he is having an emotional affair, probably confided in her in ways you could never imagine.

You need to get all of his stuff together.....everything that way there is no excuses, i mean books, cds, paperwork , clothes just anything...........because at this moment in time he no longer has a place in the family home, and he doesn't deserve one either.
You are being so wise and brave when i truly know you just want him to say "SORRY, I FUCKED UP AND I LOVE YOU".....you are too good for this.........he is an utter nob head

I know and I will. Just so difficult.

It goes against everything I would normally do, but I understand what I normally do has got me into this situation becasue it has allowed him to 'get away' with his appalling behaviour for so long.

Do you know what is actually the worse thing..........he does not respect you one tiny bit, because if he did he would not have done this to you

FAWKEOFF _ i have thought about that I was considering whether I should get all his stuff together.

So far other than not having the strength to do this I haven't had the time - I've kept myself busy so not been in the house much.

At the moment I am not going to do this. I think because I don't want to push him further away. I am giving him what he asks for but on my terms. Maybe in th enext week or so I will start to gain more strength and will want him to take all of his stuff.

At the moment that feels too final. although I realise as far as he is concerned it is final.

God I'm just so fed up of dealing with this. Wish I could just completely switch off from it all for justa few hours.

One thing at the moment is although I don't want him to be with the OW it isn't bothering me as much as I has in the past nor as much as I thought it would do at this stage....

i understand that you are not ready to do that.....and also a tad fearful that you are instigating the end........for good, but things are going to get really difficult, this can only go 2 ways and nothing you do or say will make any differance, he will do as he chooses, so right now you just need to keep making your own choices for you and your daughter,

Thanks Fawkeoff. That's what I am trying so hard to do.

He is coming to get his stuff tomorrow morning. I don't plan to have any contact with him at all. Just going to leave him to get on with it. No access to the house or DD though just the garage where his stuff will be waiting for him.

Off to try and sleep now. which surprisingly I have been doing better than I thought I would. Probably because I am so exhausted by the whole thing.

Thanks so much for your support and wise words!

It's me ....

Just woken up after a good 5hrs sleep and feel sick and shaky and so sad. What's happening? Is this it - finally hitting me properly The start of me falling apart?

I'm worrying I've been over harsh - I know it's because I have never had the strength to be this strong before so it's going against the grain but still maybe I should speak to him today?

I know it's a bad idea but...no I suppose I has to be no buts I have to remain strong, if I give in now i'm falling at the first hurdle.

Then I start to worry what if he turns up with her? I don't think even he would be that cruel but when he came last night to get his car there was no sign of who brought him and he didn't say who had done so when my nneighbour casually asked him....which makes me think it may have been her

But then I suppose this would just reinforce that he is an utter shit and he never meant he was sorry at all.

I've just read some of your latest posts and I know I would be stupid to even think about taking him back - assuming that is what he would want -without a massive, genuine effort on his part to make things right. Why do I even want him back tho?

What is wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong with you!
You want him back because he has been a major part of your life for 10 years. Because you have a baby with him and you don't want to contemplate her not having her father living with her. Becuase you've worked hard to hold the relationship together and fighting for survival is now a habit which is hard to break. And mainly because for all his flaws, there was a certain predictability about your future and you do not know what your future will be without him.

Sorry one more reason - you are in awful pain and him returning is the fastest way you can see to easing the pain.

None of that means that it is the best thing for you to have him back though (even if he will come back).
You need to decide that for yourself.

meantime behave with grace and dignity. Don't be spiteful (not saying you are!) because whichever way it goes ti will only make things worse.

Why don't you want to talk to him? Are you scared he will talk you round and you'll go back to where you were a month ago?

MyHeadIsSpinning

Your not falling at the first hurdle, you are going through a greiving process. If your at home when he comes can you have friend with you for moral support and to deal with him even if it is to reiterate that need time to think about things and you contact him when your ready and for him do as you ask.

The reason he is angry is because he said sorry and you were supposed to forgive him as you have always done.

You want him back because you are still in love with him this is nothing to ashamed of. I can tell you my dad left my mum 16yrs ago after 25yrs of marriage and being together for 28 + years (been together since they where 14yrs old) and it has only been in the last 5yrs she has admitted that she wouldn't have him back.

You also have to remember that he has longer to deal with it as he knew what was going on long before he told you.

There is nothing wrong with you!!!!!

Of course you want to talk to him - you ahve so many different thing flying around you head. When you don;'t know something for sure you always think of the worst posible outcome ie she must ahve brought him round, what if he turns up with her.

You will at some stage need to talk to him but don't do it till you feel ready, by ready I mean you know what you want and right now you don't. If he contacts you again just keep repeating you need some time and space before you talk to him, send the same text don't even write a new one!

Going out and talking is the best thing you could be doing, if you stayed in you would crack up!!!!

Yes I'm scared he will wheedle his way back into my life and I will be hurt again because even if he is really sorry for what he has done. There is no way that anything can have changed enough since he left on Wednesday evening.

I'm also scared that I will not be able to hold it together and will get upset and look stupid.

I'm scared that if I see him we will end up having an argument.

I'm scared he will get upset and I will want to comfort him and I can't at the moment, then he will think that I am a bitch.

But mainly because I don't trust my own judgement and everyone is telling me a I shouldn't see him at the moment. To put space between us. So rather than go with my gut which is to speak and let him say what he wants to say I'm not going to I'm going to stick to my guns. I keep telling myself that what ever he has to say can be said at any time in the futrure. If he really means it. But the emotional side of me desperately wants to hear whathe has to say in case it's to make it all better - but words can't do that - it would only be a start - actions are what I need now.

It's so hard. I feel that my heart is breaking all over again. I've only cried once since he went but I feel that as soon as I see him arrive today I am going to fall apart. So I can't see him because falling apart in front of him is not a good idea I know that. I've fallen apart infront of him for the past 7 months and he hasn't batted an eyelid.

I'm scared he is going to try and get me to speak to him and ask to see DD and I will look like a bitch if I say no but it has to be on my terms at least for now because that is the only way I will get through this. I have said in the letter that I will be in touch soon for him to see her but think that today he will see no reason why he can't just pop in and do that.

The other thing I'm worrying about is that his parents are the most likely people to bring him and if it's his mum then she will want to come in and see DD - she will more than likely not appreciate that I won't be able to handle it and will be funny with me about it and again I will look like a bitch

I think at the moment the biggest thing I am struggling with is looking like I'm the bad guy in all this because I may be appearing unreasonable butI know I'm not. Suppose it's because I've been a pushover for so long

Don't worry about looking like a bitch or of crying.

You do what you think is best for you and DD - fuck 'em!!!

MIL needs to remember that her son caused all of this and he did this to your DD NOT YOU!

Just done something silly. Started thinking about what I was doing this time last year.....we were at our first scan and we were so happy. Damn why did I have to think. Now I'm on the verge of tears.

Why has he done this to me?

oh sweetheart ((((hugs)))))

this whole experience is not going to be a walk in the park, you are going to feel so many differant emotions.......it will drain you, but you are being stronger than you think.
As a human our easiest defense mechanism is to remember all the good memories, the bad ones seem to fly out the window.
Nobody can tell you what to do. but he really should earn the right to talk to you.
i dont have a magic wand, but if i did i would bloody borrow it you x

You KNOW you are not the bad guy! Do you think you can find the courage to say something back to your MIL if she implies you are?

MHIS I have only just read this thread and it has been emotional rollercoaster for me just reading it, so how you must feel living it is beyond me. I started off shouting at the PC you should leave him, but then realising how much you love and feel that you "need" him, it's been such a journey but I feel honoured to have shared it so briefly and watched you grow into such a courageous woman who I am so proud of. I wish I could give you some extra strength for today, you will get through it and I am sure there will be many more heartbreaking "firsts" to get through.

He has just been to collect his things. He came with his Dad. It has broken my heart and I've had a good cry.

I had a long chat with his mum a couple of nights ago over the phone which I found difficult - we have a tempestous relationship. Really close in a lot of ways but clash a lot too - she brought up some things whic I felt were in inappropriate about my relationship with her, how she felt I have left her out when DD was on SCBU etc. Mainly she told me that DH Is devastated, keeps crying etc. She wanted me to say that the door may be open to him again one day. I told her that at the moment I can't do that. She said that I was wrong to do that.

She has just sent me an email with a reading attached about not giving up on relationships. She doesn't seem to get exactly what he has done to me and how much I have tried.

I know that when I spoke to her he hadn't told her anywhere near the full story - other than he had an affair but not the true extent etc. So she can't really pass judgement without knowing the whole stoty. It's not upto me to fill in those gaps for her tho. He needs to tell her himself.

I'm determined that I won't tittle tattle and tell her my side of the story and exactly what happened not until he has had ample opportunity to do so.

Hello MHIS. I'm so sorry it has come to this. I hope you are coping okay; it is such a difficult process to go through.

If you are having trouble with MIL coming in to see DD, would yuo be kay with her taking DD to the park for an hour or something?

I know you didn't want your husband to take her to OW's, but if you hand DD to MIL's care, surely he wouldn't do that?

I remember very clearly not being able to face XH's family when we split up. I felt so bad because it was like a rejection of them, but I just couldn't do it. To suddenly feel like you are an outsider, when you used to belong, to think that their sympathies will lie with him (possibly) when they ought to lie with you, small talk when you want to tell them that you want to rip their son to tiny shreds - it's all too surreal to handle (was like that for me anyway, maybe not for everyone).

I do hope you find some peace of mind. Today will probably be tough for you. Take care of yourself. Literally. Wrap yourself in cotton wool and guard against as much pain as you can, even if it means having to disappoint MIL til you feel stronger.

Wishing you strength and self-worth to know you did not bring this to pass, nor are you to blame. And your feelings count just as much as everyone else's who is suffering in this confusion at the moment ((()))

Oops, too late.

I don't mean to be rude, but this is not for your MIL to mend. It is for her son to mend. It is his work to do. Let him work at it.

And I really don't think it's appropriate for MIL to add to your feelings of sadnes by telling you about her feelings when your DD was in SCBU.

Strangely, I'm sure your primary concern, when DD was poorly, was not how your mother in law was coping with all the upset.

How self-centred, if you don't mind me saying so.

He is an utter shit head.........little boy syndrome. he needs to acknowlege that he has been a twat bag without involving anyone else right now.
His mum will take his side because he is her flesh and blood, and she will just see that he is hurting.Dont let it grind you down.........he obviously has no spine to speak of right now and well done for standing your ground.

Nothing to add to what these wise ladies have said already, just wanted to say well done, you're doing great.

OK one thing, although it's been said already - his mother sounds like a right bitch.

No wonder he is like he is if she's been going around trying to solve all his problems for him his whole life. She's trying to bully you into giving him his own way.

Cut her out too until you've decided what to do about him.

Thanks everyone.

He has emailed me to say thank you for allowing him to collect his things.

He forgot to ask for a few things he needs for work but said he is not going to be in work for a while - not sure if he means he is tkaing time off or juts refering to the fact that he isn't due back in til midweek - cos we should have still been on holiday.
He has asked if I am ok and if DD is too.

He has said again that he wants to talk. but he knows that I don't want any contact and he won't expect anything back from me but wants to let me know that he is thinking about all the bad things he has done and about 'us'.

He says that his ife is here with me and DD.

He has said that now he has had time to think he is not going to go to the OW it is over. He said that he is using this time to think hard and change himself for the better.

He said that he has said hurtful things which he regrets and he loves me.

I've not replied....yet. Going to have a long hard think about what he has said and reply later/tomorrow. Will run it by you lot again first - any suggestions welcome!

His email has made me feel better because for the first tim ein months he has said he loves me, he has finally realised what he has done. BUT don't panic I'm not going to break now.

Obviously not asking questions etc has worked. As soon as I have appear not to be bothered he has told me what he has been doing, he loves me etc etc

Of course I am aware that he could still be lying and I have absolutely no trust in him right now.