How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

Scanner - That's why I think suggesting he goes out another night with some work mates (not OW) would be a good idea as a compromise.

I also think having a proper sit down talk through, rather than arguing about things as they arise, will help reduce the need to question him all the time.

He clearly hasn't got a clue about what MHIS needs from him.

This isn't about questioning him more, this is about giving them both a chance to air how their actions affect each other, and to find better ways to communicate.

As for what he is supposed to tell his work friends - how about we've just had a baby who is prem and my family need me at the moment, anyone in their right mind would understand that!

I have to say I agree with scanner, although its not really reasonable of him to go on about the works night out, it almost sounds like he is testing you, so I would let him go, if he is going to mess about then nothing you can do ro say will stop him doing that and as scanner said in a way it makes it more appealing.

Its so hard to be in the middle of a situation like this you just cant see what everyone else sees. I am lucky that I have my mum and stepdad who can see things more clearly than I can, a very good piece of advice I was given recently is if he does or says something that hurts or annoys you write down how you feel immediately but wait 24 hours before acting you will often find you feel and react differently and in a less emotional way.

You will get through this

He;s just finished work now - 30 min late
but seems to be in an okay mood so hopefully we can talk when he gets in.

I am writing down any questions I have rather than asking at the moment - hoping to discuss them only when we are both in a calm co-operative mood to do so.

I don't agree he is reasonable to ask to go out, he has been so far out of order, he needs to do what MHIS wants him to do until further notice imo. (even that wouldn't be enough for me tbh but until I'm in that situation I guess i'll never really know)

lovemygirls - that is what the counsellor has said. It's only been a month since I found out andobvioudly still very raw. I don' think I am asking for too much under the circumstances AND it's not even a big/important night out.

Thing is I have never stopped him from going out - nor him me - and he always goes on all works nights out. Think he is nervous of people asking why he suddenly isn't going out. But that is his problem not mine.

Hopefully the fact that I am uncomfortable with him going out at the moment will make him realise how lucky he was before.

I really don't think he can expect anything of you at the moment he is lucky his arse hasn't hit the pavement and he is having to live in one of the places that were unsuitable. Hes done so much to hurt you i would think it will take a very long time for you to even try and forgive him and he shouldn't expect you to forgive him easily.

MHIS I havent been on for ages so just catching up. I cannot believe what I am reading! He is a total bastard to you and things seem to have got worse since we last spoke. I was so hoping that I would log on and see that you were ok now. Reading this has really upset me and I wish I could help you but I just dont know what to say. Since we last spoke things for me are much the same, some days he loves me some he doesnt but i suppose i just put up or ship out (again). I cant imagine how i would feel if i found out that there was an OW involved. Anyway i will keep checking in honey and just get in touch if you need me xx

I agree with the point that he needs to stop seeing this as a 'punishment' and needs to start seeing it as the cure. Good point. Because if he see it as a punishment, he is putting the blame for his current inability to go out with his colleagues on his wife (ie MHIS). If he sees it as a cure, well it is something that has to be done in order to restore harmony at home. It's his duty.

Happywoman always says that although her dh decided to stay with her, there was a time at the beginning when he was emotionally absent, despite that decision. Then he turned a corner a bit later, and she felt he had 'come back' to her. Even though he'd been there physically for months, emotionally, it took a little while to return. Do you think your dh may be at this place at the moment MHIS?

(Hope HW doesn't mind me using her as an example, I hope that's not really bad form. Sorry, if so).

I told him that he had upset me yesterday morning. He apologised. I gave him the letter and that lead on to a long chat. During which I remained very calm - got a little upset but no slanging match etc.

I tried to explain to him why I need him to respect my feelings around going out with work. He struggled. Said I should let him go because not doing means no chance for him to prove he is trustworthy ad makes him resent me

I remained calm and explained it's not about me punishing but about him respecting and doing what i want/need at the moment.

He said he is struggling and only really goes to counselling to pacify me - which I kind of knew anyway. He said that he is trying to work out in his head what he wants.

I said that if he doesn't start trying and putting effort in he may as well go now. I told him that although I want to fight for my family and relationship I don't need him and if we/i am not what he wants he needs to say that and go.

He said he didn' want to go. He does want to make things work but he is finding it difficult to find the willingness and put the effort in. I pointed out that not putting the effort in isn't working so no harm in trying. He has agreed.

After the discussion he made dinner, we cuddled in bed and when LO woke for a feed he cuddled me again as I fed her. This morning he changed her nappy and played with her before work.

I have told him I would like him to bath her this evening - which will mean him getting home on time - to give me a rest. He has agreed.

I suppose now I have to give him chance to prove himself to me.

He has said he will come to counselling with me this week.

wtf is he doing even thinking of going out when the OW is there?

Does he want you to feel shit?

God men can be thick

CD - Yes men are thick. He thinks cos it is over (and cos nothing physical happened) then being around the OW isn't that much of a problem. For him the way he feels about 'us' is the biger issue - and it is for me I suppose.

When I asked how he thought it would make me feel him going out with the OW he replied thta there would be other people there to talk to.

He is missing the point completely that 1) I don't trust that there will be other people there - how do I know it isn't just going to be them! 2) even with other's there he is choosing to be in a situation that would be upsetting to me.

He is rather childish with this and many other things. He feels that he will be missing out if he doesn't go out after work. I pointed out that if he does go then he will be missing out ontime with his daughter whichis going by so quickly and as such is so precious.

Pretty sure after the chat last night he isn't going to go but not actually implicitly said he won't.....

His actions and half heartedness towards you have lead you to believe he is not trustworthy - many people on here who have been through the same as you have asked their husbands to change job rather than work with the OW. I think as you need to trust him for so many hours during the day he is well out of order expecting you to accept him socialising with her after work at this point in time.

I do think you need to find time to go out together without the LO though he needs to see you as his lover and not just his childs mother - hopefully this will help you get back on track.

um
WHY exactly should you trust him at the moment?

Trust has to be earned
He has blown it and has to build that up again

I would say to him actually you know what, with your recent track record I don't trust you at the moment and I feel very uncomfortable with you working with her. The thought of you socialising with her as well is too much to bear.

CD that is exactly what I have said to him

Going out alone is difficult as I am excl breastfeeding LO and she isn't in any kind of routine. Also at the moment he is very resistant to spending time alone with me outside of being alone in the house - even that is a struggle for him sometimes. Think this si due to months of lying to me and following that my constant questionning as soon as we are alone together.

We are planning on going out to a friend's house this weekend for a meal - a friend of mine who knows what we are goign through and has suggested she cook a meal for us!

He agreed to do this which is positive - even though he knows that she is well aware of how he has been treating me and could feel unfomfortable in her company - she would NEVER make him squirm or be nasty as she does want us to get through this.

Got to go out now but thanks for all your replies it's really helpful to see things from other's points of view. I will check back in when I get home x

Just got back from work.

I know it may not seem it but a lot of that seemed really positive.

He does need to realise that you do not earn trust by being around another woman and not sleeping with her! You earn trust by small reassurances every day and by putting someone else's needs before your own.

He seems to be saying "But I'll be proving you can trust me by being around OW and not talking to her." without taking into account that you do not trust him not to talk to her, and you are not there to see it either way.

What he doesn't seem to realise is that the more he does things (even if not really into it) the easier and more natural they become.

The more he discusses his feelings, the more likely it is that he will come to you with a problem. The more he compliments you, the more he will want to compliment you.

I know he says he's going to counselling just for you, but that needn't be a bad thing. It is something that he is doing with no belief in it, just to make you feel better. I still think asking the counsellor for practical things that you can both do will really help. Men like to have actual things to do, not just ideas of things, or concepts.

He has agreed to bath dd, he played with her and changed her this morning, you cuddled last night, and you're going for a meal together this weekend.

You've done really well. It's such an emotive thing to broach all these subjects, and you stayed calm and focused and let him speak too. Try to focus on the good things he is doing, and make sure he does the same for you.

YKNOTC - thanks again.

Feeling much more positive today. Have been out with other mums all day and realised that things DH doesn't do is possibly cos he is like all the other mums' DH/P's and not necessarily because he is unsure of us or because of his affair but because thats the way a lot of men are - not trying to justify in any way but rationalising that not everything he does is conected to the current situation.

That's a good thing. One of the worst things about going through a rough time, is that you can read things into otherwise normal situations.

So glad you're feeling more positive! Great to hear.

We're here if you need us.

Last night he came home later than I would have liked not really late but a good 30 min. Mentioned it breifly so he knew I was a little disappointed but didn't 'go on' about it. Tried to make the evening as lighthearted as possible.

He bathed LO though as planned and looked after her for an hour or so.

I paid him a compliment - said that I liked it when he looked after her and she seemed to really enjoy being with her daddy cos he makes her laugh - she was really giggling for him!

He was kind of affectionate with me, touched my leg in a loving way whilst having tea etc rather than staying away from me like he has done more recently.

Neither of us mentioned the works night out later today. I am presuming that he isn't going but not so sure what his plans are. We have counselling this afternoon and I shall bring the issue up during the session.

Really don't want him to go out or him make me feel pressurised into compromising on this one.

That all sounds good.

Affection is a big step.

You're doing really well not going on about the work do. I know it must be driving you mad not knowing. Don't know if you've left for your counselling yet. If not then try not to be at all aggressive about the work thing, just keep the focus on how insecure it makes you feel, and how this is not a punishment at all, and how this is not a way to prove he is trustworthy (maybe ask counsellor for things he can do to help you trust him - actual things though, with step by step instructions!) - lots of "and how"s there to be going on with.

I have every finger crossed that he has no intention of going this evening. Do make a point of saying that he can go out another night when she won't be there.

Don't compromise if it makes you feel so bad - the compromise would be doing something else (by definition he has to give a little too).

Hope this afternoon goes/went well.

Thanks YKNOTC - been to counsellign and did as you suggested - although only jyst seen this. He told the counsellor he wouldn't go out if it wasn't what I wanted.

Overall quite a draining session emotionally. DH took LO home whilst I nipped elsewhere on the way home. He is looking after her now.

Not mentioned the session at all yet.

I just feel drained at the moment not feeling as positive as I did yesterday.

I am always amazed by just how exhausted an hour of talking emotionally can be!

I still think you're doing fantastically. Try complimenting your DH on something again.

How are things in general? Are you chatting or is it all a bit strained? It's great that he's doing things for LO.

The fact that he's not going (no matter how reluctantly) means that he is really trying to put you first (even though he doesn't quite understand how this works).

I know just so atm
Think that my cold is making it all seem 10x worse

We chat okay but any time we mention the situation it gets strained.

The counsellor said that she is frustrated that we seem to have such a different outlook at the moment of the situation.

DH knows he needs to do more and admits he isn't outing in enough effort at all. Just need to see if he can start to do so and pronto.

Could you have a set time for talking about stuff, every week (not with a counsellor, just the two of you) so that neither of you feel like you need to talk about it all the time?

Was the counsellor any use in giving you both practical stuff to do? If not then some of the "relate" books have activities in them to do together.

It is difficult that you are seeing things so differently. I hope you feel better soon