How am I going to get through this :( (long post sorry!)

[MyHeadIsSpinning]

I've been with DH for over 10yrs, married for 1 and have a new baby. LO was born prem and we have been going through hell but she is home now and doing well.

DH has always been indecisive and before each major milestone, getting engaged, a house, married etc he has had a panic and discussed splitting up as he doesn't think he loves me enough to get engaged, buy a house, get married etc.

However once we have talked things through and he has had his stress he always decides that he does love me and wants to be with me.

Surprisingly getting pregnant was one thing that he didn't stress about and was really happy that we were expecting. When I delilved LO early and it was touch and go for me and LO - apparently cos I was out of it but have been told by various people - DH was a bit of a mess which was understandable, ie couldn't speak for crying. However he won't talk about this and although has been supportive during the weeks LO was in hospital on SCBU I feel he could have been there for me more than he was.

Over the weekend things have come to a head. We've been having a few niggly arguements and he has said over the past few weeks that he isn't sure if he loves me enough (again) and has been thinking about us splitting up. Yesterday I made a real effort - did my hair and make up etc and tried hard to make an effort - we had agreed to do this the night before. However DH didn't notice the effort I had made and was sullen all day only speaking when I spoke to him etc. When I cracked and said that his behaviour was upsetting me and I was upset that he hadn't commented that I looked nice - he said that he hadn't noticed that I'd made an effort and didn't think I looked as though I had particularyly

We had a 'discussion' during which he told me that;

He feels it would have been easier if I had died when havign LO as this would have ade things easier for him ie wouldn't have to decided to stay with me or not - this really hurt and he knows how bad it sounded.

He doesn't feel that he loves me enough and wishes that he's 'had the balls to leave me before marrying an having a baby'

When I asked why he married me he said he thought it would be a solution to how he was feeling about being not sure about the relationship and everyone else seemed to think it was a good idea. He was NOT pressurised into marrying me or indeed even staying with me.

The arguement went on until I said that I wasn't prepared to share our baby and him be a weekend dad. That isn't why I brought her into the workd to be passed about between two homes etc. I told him that it's all or nothing he either has us both or looses us both cos I'm not beign a part time mum and our daughter needs a full time dad.

He went to walk out of the room and I asked him how he felt right then - he replied like he wants to die

I left him to cool off and then went upstairs to see him. He was sat on the bed crying. He Said that he loves our daughter and doesn't want to be a part time dad but isn't sure that he loves me enough etc. He broke down and cried so hard he was howling and holding on to me - this is not like him he cries but only a little. This was a major breakdown kind of cry.

We have decided to see how things go for a couple of months and both make a real effort to make our marriage work He has said that he would rather fall back in love with me and make it work but at the moment isn't sure that this is possible.

I just feel so empty and don't know what to think. Part of me feels so sorry for him cos I love him and he is hurting and I want to make things better but can't) I have suggested that maybe he is depressed after the birth and the general situation and he said that he doesn't think so cos he just feels the same way as he has previously.

On the other hand I'm so angry with him for what he has said and that he is taking away this precious time with my new baby cos I can't enjoy her as much as I would cos I'm worried about the future and being on my own if he does leave us.

He finds talking difficult so I'm off to buy a couple of notepads for us both to write our feeligns in about the relationship and anything else over the coming months - I feel for me it will be cathartic and help when I really want to talk and he doesn't, for him I hope that writing down his feeligns and fears will help put them into perspective and help him to work through how he feels whatever the outcome may be.

I just feel sooo sad and can't stop thinking about what he has said and also part of me thinks that maybe we shoudl just call it a day and I can move on and find someone who does love me although not sure this would work as the person I want to love me doesn't Also I really don't want to be a single parent.

Are you afraid that he wants to go because he wants to see the OW? This isn't necessarily the case. It may just be that he doesn't want to be 'emasculated' in front of his work colleagues. He wants to feel one of the group, he doesn't want to feel stupid because he can't go. This is a much better scanario for you, obviously. Thing is, he is still putting other people before you. He is putting the thoughts of his work colleagues before you. They will call him a lightweight and a pussy-o because he isn't going. He can't stand this idea, presumably and doesn't want to be ridiculed by them. So instead he will put pressure on you to let him go. This isn't fair. His pride should not come before your peace of mind. Hope you manage to sort it out peacably.

Littlewoman You have hit the nail on the head. That is exactly why he doesn't want to say he can't go. he hates missing out on anything - always the last to leave a party etc.

I don't think that he would be so stupid as to go back to the OW or anything like that but I can't cope with the fact that he would be out with her (granted another 5 or 6 people too) and I suppose it's pride on my part because she will know that he has chosen to go out with work rather than be at home with me and LO.

Also just the fact that he wants to go out with others but wouldn't do anything with me at weekend.

He would be driving so no drink involved and it's a work night so wouldn't be really late but I just don't feel comfortable with the idea and would be anxious the whole time. He knows this. Do you think I should let him go? I feel as though at this stage if I 'give in' he will just push and push. But on the other hand feel that by saying no he is getting annoyed with me and this isn't helping the healing process.

Just wish he would put me first. Feel sooo unloved and so down. I hate him for making me feel this way and I hate myself for allowing it.

Peterduck I don't want to ask him to move out atm because I think that this will only send him running to the other woman.

I haven't told family because we have had problems in the past and when family (his) have become involved they put pressure on him to stay with me. I want him to work through how he feels and come to the decisions himself not because he has been forced into a situation.

Problem is I have made the decisions for so long he is struggling to do this. Also for the first time in this situation (ie him being unsure what he wants etc) I am not backing down on how I feel. I am making him face upto what he has done rather than sweeping it under the carpet as we have done so many times before. He is struggling with this - has said so in the counselling sessions.

I am too and I want him to appreciate that as I am trying to see things from him point of view too, change my behavious cos I understand that it takes to to make or break a relationship, whilst struggling to come to terms with what he has done oh and look after my LO

I'm so sorry this hasn't been resolved.

PD makes a lot of good points.

You sound so exhausted by the whole thing. Do you think the time has come to ask him to leave and stick to it?

It is so soon for him to expect you to feel safe with him seeing the OW in a social situation (different to work IMO). Yes you are being made to behave like his mother by asking him not to go, but he should be self-regulating his behaviour, so you don't have to!

He seems to be sucking the life out of you. This does not necessarily mean that you cannot be together in the future sometime, but he's not ready for this now, is he?

YKNOTC - I don't feel that it is 'safe' at this stage in our relationship to ask him to leave.

I feel that there is a real possibility that he will go running to the OW and once again we will not resolve the issues that we have in our relationship. It would only make matters worse. He will feel lonely and rather than coming back to me there is a real and definite - in my opinion - risk that at this stage when he is still so uncertain of how he feels that he will go to OW rather than working through how he feels about me and us.

I don't want to jepordise what - even if it's a slim - chane we may have of making us work.

I want to carry on with the counselling and if he doesn't come with me on Wed I will go on my own - in fact in some ways I feel that this week this might be beneficial.

I want to try to make this marriage work if not only for us then for our LO who deserves our efforts.

I think you need to re-set your boundaries in a clear and calm manner.

Explain that 1/ you can cope - just - with him seeing her at work, but that being in a social situation with her makes you feel vulnerable. They are 2 very different things - one is necessity, the other is choice.

2/ Everytime he asks about going to such a situation you feel hurt, because he should be automatically turning them down for your sake. This is not a permanent arrangement, but is dependant on rebuilding the trust between you. The last thing you want to be doing is telling him what he can and can't do - he should be putting your feelings before his own at the moment.

3/ He has left you feeling insecure and second best. He has criticised your looks and belittled your feelings. Could he try to compliment something about you every day, to make you feel appreciated - whether a physical thing, or an acknowledgement of something well done.

4/ To do more as a family at the weekends. If he needs some time to himself then arrange that too - on the condition that you then get the same (I know you are BF, but you could still pop to the shops for a bit or have a long hot bath). Ask him to suggest what he would like to do. Get him involved in the family side a bit more.

Ok, that was rather a random list of randomnesses, but I think you need to talk some more.

I know you want to save this, and that is admirable, but you must also increase your self-esteem and feel valued.

YKNOTC - thanks for your advice I have written him a letter explaining how I feel and what I need and finished by asking him to talk to me to move forward.

Not sure whether to give it him tonight when he comes home from work or to email it to him so he has time to think about it before coming home? What do you think?

It depends on whether you think some points might need explaining. It might be easier for him to read it with you nearby so he doesn't get the wrong end of the stick IYSWIM.

Would you be willing to post it here? To make sure it comes across as constructive?

Here it is.....pinched a lot from your post TBH

Dear DH

I?m writing this letter as I want you to know, understand and respect how I am feeling.

I can cope - just - with you seeing OW at work, but you being in a social situation with her makes me feel vulnerable. I am not able to feel comfortable with you spending time with her outside of work, even with others there. Work and social situations are two very different things - one is necessity, the other is choice.

Every time you ask about going out with work I feel hurt, because at the moment I feel that you should be automatically turning them down for the sake of us trying rebuild our marriage and family.

This is not a permanent arrangement, but it is dependant on rebuilding the trust between us. The last thing I want to be doing is telling you what you can and can't do or where you can and can?t go - You should be putting my feelings before your own at the moment.

Over the past few months you have left me feeling insecure and as though I am second best. You have criticised my looks and belittled my feelings, to the point of making out that I was being paranoid.

If we have even a chance of getting our marriage on track I need to feel loved and valued. This has to come from you.

A start to repairing the damage would be for you to try to compliment something about me every day, to make me feel appreciated ? whether its a physical thing, or an acknowledgement of something I have done.

I feel that it is important to do more as a family at the weekends. I understand that you need some time to yourself and I am willing to accept this but it has to be on the condition that I then get the same. I want you to get involved in the family side of our relationship a bit more, for DD?s sake too. She needs time with her daddy and you need to build on your bond with her by spending time with her.

I would like you to come to counselling on Wednesday and I feel that it is important that we continue with the sessions ? both as a couple and on our own as this is the last chance we have to save our relationship.

I?d like to talk calmly about what I have said here and look at trying again to move forward a step. Not talking is what has lead to this situation

MHIS

I would save that to give to him personally. Make sure he knows that if there's anything in it that makes him feel angry or sad that you want him to express that in words and explain his feelings. It is really difficult to start communicating honestly.

Say that you really want him to explain how he feels when you ask him not to go to the work things. Acknowledge his feelings and explain your own, without getting upset or angry. Explain that this is not a punishment for his actions, it is just a way to show his commitment and care for your feelings.

Ask him if he would like to maybe write a list of things that he is worried about, or talk about them if he feels able.

Perhaps you could both try saying something nice to each other every day? You could compliment him on how well he plays with DD (this would help him want to do it more). And he could compliment you. It might seem silly and false at first, perhaps it is something you could both laugh at as you do it (but not to detract from the sincerity of the compliment).

What do/did you enjoy doing together? Is there anything that you could do together?

MHIS I have read most of the posts here and I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through and are still going through its very hard and traumatic. I dont have any real advice to offer you except keep your chin up and do what is best for you and your dd, that is what matters most you both deserve more and I am sure you will make the decision that is right for you and will be happy again, althought I know from personal experience that right now you probably wont believe it, ignore the next bit of my post if you want to but its what has happened to me, I truely can sympathise with what you are going through and if you ever want a chat feel free to CAT me and we can talk on MSN

Two and a half years ago I had a 5 week old baby and a 14 month old toddler and my h did the same to me said he wasnt sure how he felt about me wasnt sure what he wanted etc etc he actually moved out for about 2 months it was awful it was like being on a roller coaster, one minute we were arguing about almost nothing the next we were in bed together, it was hell I was desperate for him to come back, really felt that I could not manage without him, eventually he seemed to suddenly realise what had happened and texted me to tell me how much he was missing me, he came back, and moved back in and life got back to 'normal' we moved and started a new life in France.

12 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant again it was an unplanned and I have to be honest I really didnt want to be pregnant. Anyway all was ok for a few weeks when suddenly out of the blue the same thing happened again, he decides that he isnt sure and doesnt know if he wants to be married anymore this was a bolt out of the blue for me because he had been making plans with me for our new baby. Much as though it hurts I have decided that I do not want to be with someone who can hurt me so much, and puts his own welfare and feelings above our dd's and mine. With my h I really believe he has a problem relating to pregnancy and children, he is a good father to our dd's but he walked out on his ex wife when she was pregnant, he walked out on me last time and is doing it again now. I think in time he will regret what he has done in the past and realise what he has lost, and I think that I will be happier and more secure on my own, Im not kidding myself it will be easy I know it wont but I know I can depend on myself I cant depend on him.

As I said feel free to contact me, I cant offer you advice on your situation at the end of the day only you know what is best for you but I can offer a sympathetic ear and loads of luck

YKNOTC - thanks for your comments. Over the past weeks I have asked all the qu you suggest but maybe with this letter and a chat tonight I will be able to get some more answers as to how he is feeling.

In answer to what we used to do. Just being together, doing things in the house, gardening and planning holidays etc used to be enough. Somehow it doesn't seem anywhere near enough now

HhMW Sorry to hear your story. MY DH problems stem back further than the birt of our LO - think that her birth just ascted as a catalyst for his underlying feelings.

It's worth sitting down every now and then to get feedback on how you're both feeling. Try to keep everything calm, if it starts to get heated maybe you could ask him to write it down and hand it to you rather than saying it (or something like that), or stop for a bit and make a cup of tea.

Would starting a project together be possible? Maybe redoing a bit of the garden, planning it, buying things for it, putting it together, all together as a family with dd nearby.

What about both setting aside an evening each to do your own things? Sort out expressing first - or just take some time out inbetween feeds? Anything to give you both a bit of space. But make sure he knows you will need to feel secure in what he's doing (i.e. not work dos at the moment). Perhaps he could go for a drink another night with work friends (not OW)?

Just keep throwing ideas around. Try to find the fun again.

Thanks YKNOTC you have really helped me through today.

I still feel upset and vulnerable as I have a feeling that he will stay late at work tonight to avoid coming home to me/make a point like a child that I can't tell him what to do etc.

The OW often stays late so this means that they could be alone - which has happened since it all came out and I have to take his word for it that it is all 'above board' and that the confiding has stopped - all conversation except work has ceased. Just after this morning I am scared he will 'relapse'

Suppose if he is going to he is going to and there is not a lot I can do about it. Just feel so all the time. Not helped by the fact that I have a cold atm - have spent the day in bed with LO but feel worse than ever. So could really do with him coming home early or at least on time and giving me a break from LO.

I have tried to arrange for us to do things together but he resists - like the walk at weekend BUT I will try again tonight

Poor you. Hope you feel better.

Say you want to do things together and ask him to suggest some things - if he can't think of any give him some options and ask him to choose.

Could you call or e-mail him and ask him to come home on time? Try to stay as positive as you can. Maybe end the e-mail with something like "Would you prefer tea or coffee to greet you at the door?".

I want to reiterate that he is behaving like an arse, but I think part of that is that he is seeing all the restrictions as a punishment, instead of as a cure. This needs to change now. He has got to start being honest with you. You are not the enemy, you are supposed to be his partner.

When you talk try sitting somewhere where you can be face to face, like the kitchen table. Listen to him, let him finish, and make sure he does the same for you.

You can do this. You are so much stronger than you think - I certainly couldn't have held it together the way you have over the past months. You have been through so much. You do not need him, you want him. They are two very different things. You can survive and be happy without him, but you want to be with him and work this out.

Make sure you both feel like you are having a say in this relationship.

YKNOTC - thanks for your kind words. I have just emailed him to ask if he can get some lemons on the way home from work - for my cold. Just going to jusdge his reply so I know if he will be in a receptive mood or not tonight.

Your words really mean a lot and I am sat hear crying because my husband is the person who should be being kind to me and it has taken the kindness of a stranger to get me through today

You are right I don't need him but yes I do want him and our relationship to work.

Husbands are bloody difficult at times!

You have both been through a hell of a lot. He has coped with it all in completely the wrong way, but wants to be with you.

I think his previous flightiness can be put to one side. He is clearly insecure and confused. So instead of dealing with it he has made you insecure and confused too.

I wish I could see into the future and tell you one way or the other, but I can't. You are doing the right thing for you. If this doesn't work out you will never have any regrets about whether or not you tried to save it - you have. If it does work out you will be all the stronger for finding ways to be together and talk.

Either way, you cannot lose by trying.

Simplify things a bit. Set down what you can cope with and what you cannot. Do the complimenting each other thing. Give him some space to breath, and take some for yourself.

Has your counsellor given you any tasks to do?

Could you have a "safe" word, something he could say when he feels mothered, and you can say when you feel insecure. So that it can be said instead of arguing, and when it is said the other person must listen to how their actions are making the other person feel.

YKNOTC

Just got an email back from him - he said he will go for the lemons and asked how DD is being...signed off with a kiss.....He messes wuth my head so much.

I would gladly do all the things you suggest cos I think they would really help but not so sure DH will but I will try!

Counsellor hasn't given us specific tasks as such just said DH needs to put me first but not suggested how...and he isn;'t the best for using his initiative!

Ask your counsellor for some more specific tasks - a general "put MHIS first" isn't very helpful!

Ask DH to give them a chance (this is one way he really could put you first) and do laugh about it if it makes you feel daft, but do it anyway.

He can put you first by calling if he's going to be late (so you don't worry), complimenting you, doing something together as a family, taking dd for a bit without being asked so you can relax (not so you can cook/wash up/clean). That sort of thing would help you feel loved and appreciated.

You need some stability in all of this. He is messing with your head, and he needs to stop. Talk together about what you want from the counselling sessions. Ask your counsellor for some real, practical advice (that way it's the counsellor who is saying do x, rather than coming from you) to help communicate.

I hope you get a chance to talk tonight. Let me know how it goes. You are being incredibly strong. x

Thanks IKNOTC - will do x

Hopefully he will agree to come to counselling this week and we can speak to the counsellor about tasks etc.

MyHeadisSpinning, I don't think I've posted on your thread before, but I have been keeping in touch with it for the last little while.

Fwiw I'd sugest the opposite to some of the posters. You've said yourself that you've only just recently got out of the habit of questioning him lots. If you then give him an intense letter about your relationship he'll start to feel that home is a place where he's grilled all the time.

You want him to feel that home is a place where he choses to be.

I completely understand where you are on this btw, I'd feel just the same about him going out after work. However, I'd say that for the sake of your marriage a sign of trust from you (even if you don't really feel it) would be a good thing right now.

Why not say that you've thought it through and that although it doesn't fill you with joy you can see he want to socialise with his colleagues so he can go on Wednesday, but perhaps he can reassure you that it'll be work only. I'll lay bets that he'll respect you for it, probably give you a time that he'll be back by etc.

He'll also stop feeling mothered by you.

I'd also suggest you go out soon too - it's good for him to see that you also have a life.

Thanks for your comments scanner but although I can see where you are coming from I feel really uneasy with him going out if OW is there which she will be. Just not ready at the moment.

As for me going out my LO is exl Breastfed so not that easy. Although I am planning a night out in about 6 weeks time...will take military planning but determined to do it!

Thanks for your comments

youknownothing, you've been a star poster on this thread today Great advice. Hope you're feeling a bit happier, MHIS. good luck with your letter.