Hi everyone,
I have been feeling quite stuck lately and would appreciate an outside perspective on this.
I'm in a long term relationship with my boyfriend and we have been living together for a few years now.
Early on into the relationship I noticed red flags that I ignored because I was infatuated with this new person in my life and the good outweighed the bad, at the time.
One of the red flags was that we never had produtive conversations about our relationship or about any problems that came up. He had a tendency to switch moods very quickly if something annoyed or upset him and he shut down emotionally so even though I tried to talk through the misunderstanding, my input was never taken into consideration and I somehow always found myself apologizing. For a long time it was something I knew made me not feel good but I think because of some trauma in my childhood I was made to feel like I'm at fault. So when someone is upset I want to fix it, I want to talk it out and solve things and I gravitate towards apologizing and being the submissive one when I feel like there's passive aggressiveness because my fight or flight response kicks in and just wants the argument to end.
What is really killing me is... the silent treatment. The dreaded silent treatment is something that has plagued the relationship for as long as I can remember and from my memory it would usually only lasts a few hours or a day and the next things would revert back to normal.
It's been a long time now where I've been keeping track of it on a calendar for my own knowledge because it felt like this was happening way too much. Well, it was... I'd say we have 7-10 days of "normal" in a month and anywhere from 1-2 weeks of the silent treatment.
As the silent treatment might look different in other relationships I will tell you what ours usually entails.
During this time all intimacy and affection is out the window. He will not call or text me and often times ignore my attempts at reaching out. When he gets home he will often not make eye contact or say hi, same when he exits the house, and the only time I do hear from him is if I directly talk to him but even then he will give me a one word response. He will eat his meals alone and for the duration of the silent treatment I will have no idea about his day, what my boyfriend is up to, I'm completely isolated.
There's unfortunately never a healthy cool off period where he is upset and let's me know we'll revisit this later. A few hours pass, a day, two... all in which I walk on eggshells and try to stay out of his way. Yet the silent treatment and the passive aggressive behavior stays and it gives me such tremendous anxiety because I never know when it'll end.
As time went by there were situations that happened in which my boyfriend got angry at me that I feel wasn't justified or my fault at all and it became apparent that I was his emotional punching bag as he wasn't able to get angry at work or the other people who were giving him a hard time. As I never set boundaries, got upset or stood my ground, he's gotten away with such behavior without any consequences. I allowed this and I'm disappointed in myself for it. Truthfully the more time passed the harder it got to voicing my concerns. I think a part of me does not feel safe emotionally and knows the person on the other end won't give me his empathy or understanding. I often times feel scared of him, emotionally, because of how shut down he is and because of how cold he responds to these situations.
I have struggled to not blame myself but this makes you feel crazy. When you're with someone who is the absolute most kindest, patient and caring person to the outside world yet treats you so very differently you can't help but question whether it's because of you as a person. What did you do wrong. Why aren't you good enough and worthy of the same respect he shows to everyone else.
I do feel wronged because I do admit there are times where I might have seemed bothered or insecure but it stems from my partner giving me the silent treatment and displaying such unkindness and disrespect that over time it damaged me and I have failed to recover from it. It breaks down all trust so yes I am more sensitive to things. Even so I have never shown him the silent treatment, yelled, was unwilling to talk things through. I've always tried my best to be a kind, loving partner. He only sees his side though. He might only see my actions or reactions but not see what he might have done on his end to cause that. So again, the fault always falls on me and he is never accountable.
I want to hear other people's perspectives on the silent treatment. How do you respond, do you find anything is successful at making it come to an end?
I have tried to be undertanding and if I see something is wrong I do ask if he wants to talk about it but I don't push. I try to give space for an hour or two but that doesn't help. The last time we were in this I basically was out of the house most of the week to give him space and even then, after a weeks time he didn't come around. To have someone so unbelievably angry and annoyed at you for things you haven't done wrong to begin with or things that migut have caused a misunderstanding unintentionally...but you tried to explain your side, you tell them sorry if you hurt their feelings... and it is like talking to a wall. I feel like despite knowing my own feelings,even though I try to express them he has already made up his mind on what happened and what my intention was. I'm always thought of in the worst of ways.
I feel so unhappy and absolutely exhausted, depleted like I'm running on empty. I can't make sense of this behavior. I've tried to write this post remaining neutral because if ever I'm at fault I do want to be accountable and hear constructive feedback. I just don't think this is okay. I think it's perfectly healthy for some people to not want to talk right away when they are upset but the cool off period should end after a few hours maximum. There should be a healthy two way conversation where things are discussed and above all even when angry at each other, respect and kindness should still be intact.
To go about your day and be angry at your significant other and act like they don't matter or aren't worthy of respect and kindess is awful. To go about your day being kind to everyone else around you but directing that bitterness towards your partner at home is extremely damaging to them and the relationship. I don't want to feel like the bad guy anymore.
Advice, please.