Need an outsider's perspective

[Birdseye10]

Hi everyone,

I have been feeling quite stuck lately and would appreciate an outside perspective on this.
I'm in a long term relationship with my boyfriend and we have been living together for a few years now.

Early on into the relationship I noticed red flags that I ignored because I was infatuated with this new person in my life and the good outweighed the bad, at the time.
One of the red flags was that we never had produtive conversations about our relationship or about any problems that came up. He had a tendency to switch moods very quickly if something annoyed or upset him and he shut down emotionally so even though I tried to talk through the misunderstanding, my input was never taken into consideration and I somehow always found myself apologizing. For a long time it was something I knew made me not feel good but I think because of some trauma in my childhood I was made to feel like I'm at fault. So when someone is upset I want to fix it, I want to talk it out and solve things and I gravitate towards apologizing and being the submissive one when I feel like there's passive aggressiveness because my fight or flight response kicks in and just wants the argument to end.

What is really killing me is... the silent treatment. The dreaded silent treatment is something that has plagued the relationship for as long as I can remember and from my memory it would usually only lasts a few hours or a day and the next things would revert back to normal.
It's been a long time now where I've been keeping track of it on a calendar for my own knowledge because it felt like this was happening way too much. Well, it was... I'd say we have 7-10 days of "normal" in a month and anywhere from 1-2 weeks of the silent treatment.

As the silent treatment might look different in other relationships I will tell you what ours usually entails.
During this time all intimacy and affection is out the window. He will not call or text me and often times ignore my attempts at reaching out. When he gets home he will often not make eye contact or say hi, same when he exits the house, and the only time I do hear from him is if I directly talk to him but even then he will give me a one word response. He will eat his meals alone and for the duration of the silent treatment I will have no idea about his day, what my boyfriend is up to, I'm completely isolated.
There's unfortunately never a healthy cool off period where he is upset and let's me know we'll revisit this later. A few hours pass, a day, two... all in which I walk on eggshells and try to stay out of his way. Yet the silent treatment and the passive aggressive behavior stays and it gives me such tremendous anxiety because I never know when it'll end.

As time went by there were situations that happened in which my boyfriend got angry at me that I feel wasn't justified or my fault at all and it became apparent that I was his emotional punching bag as he wasn't able to get angry at work or the other people who were giving him a hard time. As I never set boundaries, got upset or stood my ground, he's gotten away with such behavior without any consequences. I allowed this and I'm disappointed in myself for it. Truthfully the more time passed the harder it got to voicing my concerns. I think a part of me does not feel safe emotionally and knows the person on the other end won't give me his empathy or understanding. I often times feel scared of him, emotionally, because of how shut down he is and because of how cold he responds to these situations.

I have struggled to not blame myself but this makes you feel crazy. When you're with someone who is the absolute most kindest, patient and caring person to the outside world yet treats you so very differently you can't help but question whether it's because of you as a person. What did you do wrong. Why aren't you good enough and worthy of the same respect he shows to everyone else.
I do feel wronged because I do admit there are times where I might have seemed bothered or insecure but it stems from my partner giving me the silent treatment and displaying such unkindness and disrespect that over time it damaged me and I have failed to recover from it. It breaks down all trust so yes I am more sensitive to things. Even so I have never shown him the silent treatment, yelled, was unwilling to talk things through. I've always tried my best to be a kind, loving partner. He only sees his side though. He might only see my actions or reactions but not see what he might have done on his end to cause that. So again, the fault always falls on me and he is never accountable.

I want to hear other people's perspectives on the silent treatment. How do you respond, do you find anything is successful at making it come to an end?
I have tried to be undertanding and if I see something is wrong I do ask if he wants to talk about it but I don't push. I try to give space for an hour or two but that doesn't help. The last time we were in this I basically was out of the house most of the week to give him space and even then, after a weeks time he didn't come around. To have someone so unbelievably angry and annoyed at you for things you haven't done wrong to begin with or things that migut have caused a misunderstanding unintentionally...but you tried to explain your side, you tell them sorry if you hurt their feelings... and it is like talking to a wall. I feel like despite knowing my own feelings,even though I try to express them he has already made up his mind on what happened and what my intention was. I'm always thought of in the worst of ways.

I feel so unhappy and absolutely exhausted, depleted like I'm running on empty. I can't make sense of this behavior. I've tried to write this post remaining neutral because if ever I'm at fault I do want to be accountable and hear constructive feedback. I just don't think this is okay. I think it's perfectly healthy for some people to not want to talk right away when they are upset but the cool off period should end after a few hours maximum. There should be a healthy two way conversation where things are discussed and above all even when angry at each other, respect and kindness should still be intact.
To go about your day and be angry at your significant other and act like they don't matter or aren't worthy of respect and kindess is awful. To go about your day being kind to everyone else around you but directing that bitterness towards your partner at home is extremely damaging to them and the relationship. I don't want to feel like the bad guy anymore.
Advice, please.

@beachcomber70 I'm sorry you went through a similar experience. Happy to hear you broke free of that and are on a journey to healing. Wishing you nothing but happiness.

I'm hearing you loud and clearly, OP, and I totally remember those feelings you are going through.

My advice is to just tread water atm. You are suffering from what we used to call on an EA support thread back in the day "spaghetti head." Take the time to let yourself process your new understanding of your situation. In a way, his silence while you do this should be an advantage to you. It's like you've put been put into a deep hypnotic trance, and now you are gradually coming out of it.

Make sure you eat enough, drink enough fluids, and get some exercise and enough sleep. You need to keep in good shape physically. Brains, when they are processing new things, need quite a lot of energy

OP you can agonise the rest of your life over details and analysis - the fact is you just need to end the relationship. It’s rotten to the core due to his toxic behaviours. I really hope you can see this and can take action.

People treat us how we allow them to and sadly you’ve ‘approved’ this behaviour by doing all you can to accommodate him, his feelings, stresses, etc, therefore it will continue, finish the relationship, he honestly won’t change

@JadziaD To answer your reply, during the bouts of the silent treatment or cold shoulder he is completely independent. He works, he cooks his own meals, takes care of his own finances and relishes in the time he has alone and uses that to focus on his own stuff.

OP, check out the threads by @jamaisjedors who divorced her sulking husband. I think you will learn a lot.

You seem to have so much understanding of how abusive, damaging and controlling this is.

You know this isn't actually a reflection on you at all. This is him and he would treat any other partner the same. It's not You. You are not the problem here.

I think your heart needs to catch up with your head. Logically you get it & know you have to leave but something is holding you back. Hope & fear are not good enough reasons to stay.

You know life doesn't have to be like this. I hope you manage to leave.

@Raspberrymoon49 I agree with you. It took me a long time to get the courage to make my situation "public" because I know he isn't holding me here. I have chosen to stay and I also chose to not speak up the many times I was dished unkind behavior. So of course he has seen early on that I am scared of his reaction, I've been submissive and I've always catered to his feelings and apologized. I've almost encouraged him to continue to treat me like dirt. I only hold myself responsible for this but as others have said on here... step one is realizing your situation and understanding that the hurtful way you're being treated by someone shouldn't be tolerated. No one should be a doormat.

It took me years to admit this to myself. I always sat with the anxiety and discomfort of his behavior.I never really had healthy relationships, including family or friends to really compare things to and in a way this was all too familiar.

Within the last few months there was this shift and a realization that I am unhappy, I'm constantly anxious, I do not feel valued or respected around the one person I should the most and while I've been going through my own challenges and hard times outside of the relationship I have been alone with no support but worse, dealing with my problems with bouts of the cold shoulder which essentially just feels like someone is kicking you while you're already down.

Even through this period of his coldness, I can see that I'm not the problem and he is dealing with his own issues. I can see it on his face, the strain, the depression, the anger, the stress...him carrying himself with baggage from whatever is weighing him down. And I always used to feel sorry for him or make excuses but like many have pointed out here, it never makes it okay to treat someone this way regardless of what you're going through. I had a second where my old pattern kicked in today where I hadn't heard from him all day, had him ignore my message and saw him come home with a stressed expression and barely said hi. I could see something is wrong and the empathetic side of me wants to reach out or tries to be undertanding. But then I have to bring myself back to reality and tell myself, why should I be given no kindness or respect simply because he is struggling through something.

I can't remember the amount of times I have sat with him while he vented for hours, cried with him, helped to the best of my abilities whenever he asked. I would never shun him for feeling depressed or overwhelmed but this isn't it. If he can treat everyone else with kindness and respect despite whatever he's going through, he can most certainly treat me with it too.

I will reach out for support and try to navigate all of this and break free of all the toxicity.

You know what you need to do.

I put up with the same for years. Decades. Also blamed myself for not setting boundaries to prevent it happening but the simple fact is that it’s not your fault. You’re just trying to live your life being a normal, kind person and you’ve wound up with a narcissistic emotional abuser with some sort of personality disorder. They get their claws in to kind and patient people because others won’t tolerate it. You don’t have to tolerate it and you’ll have a much happier future without it.

You can’t fix people who are willing to behave this way. You can only leave. ASAP. They make it hard to leave them so you must be firm and clear in yourself and with him.

PS. He knows exactly what he’s doing when he’s doing it. As you know.

You know this isn't a good thing right? How do your finance usually work? Are you paid equally and contribute equally and is that a consistent thing or does it change when he's sulking.

If he's cooking for himself while he's punishing you - is he doing the shopping for this cooking or just eating what he likes? What about cleaning up or cleaning the bathrooms or doing any other household task?

This sulking is likely just the tip of the iceberg. Honestly, you should leave as soon as you can. Don't say anything - he's not talking to you anyway - just leave.

Sorry, I hadn't seen your final update.

OP, this is, not surprisingly, even worse than it seemed. He has managed to convince you for a long time that this is all because he is struggling and it would be unkind of you to expect more of him when he is depressed and hurting?

I have seen this before. "Oh, it's just that I get so upset when x or y happens, I can't help myself". But you know what, you're an adult, so you can. And I bet you can manage it when you're at work? Or with your mates?

@JadziaD He makes significant more money than I do. We only share an apartment together and take care of our own finances. There isn’t any financial abuse and I'm also not expected to take care of household chores while he's in that state. As I said he'll be perfectly capable of taking care of himself and in those moments we really are like strangers. He will go about his day, being productive and put together at work and around others, come home and more or less ignore me while he tends to his dinner and personal things and spend time in his office for a few hours until he's ready for bed.

I could tell this week that something was bothering him and it feels like it's not related to the relationship. As I wrote in my post though... if he can go through his day being kind, respectful, put on a smile and just overall be a productive, functional human being... why should I be the only one who gets a different side of him. The way he is at home might be how he truly feels internally...stressed and depressed. Thing is I'm not asking him to feel something other than what he's feeling or pretend ... I've always been there for him, I'd do my best to be undertanding and supportive. But I don't deserve to be the punching bag or the only person who doesn't get treated respectfully. I don't expect him to have energy to do something he doesn't feel up to, to laugh and pretend all is good, to have extensive long conversations. He can be down, tired, he can feel all those feelings without being unkind. If he treated everyone this way, that would be one thing but having seen it first hand that I'm singled out and the only one treated this way, it just isn't okay anymore.

I don't know if I've mentioned it in my posts but I struggle with a health condition that causes a lot of pain and extreme fatigue. Stress makes it flare up so since the relationship began I've been exponentially more sick and it's affected a lot of areas of my life including work. This has been a huge part in me overall just realizing I cannot continue on this path.

Yes.
I had stonewalling and silent treatment on and off for 25 years...made me mentally ill. Get out now and i recommend taking up the freedom programme

@Birdseye10 i bet my bottom dollar you have fibromyalgia? The mental abuse you are experiencing from him will exacerbate the condition. Please leave him

Read up online about “stonewalling” its emotional abuse. What you are describing isn’t just a bit of sulking or silent treatment. What you describe is the worst case of abusive stonewalling I have ever heard. You need to explain to him that what he is doing is emotional abuse and that you are drawing a line in the sand, it is not acceptable to you anymore and you will not put up with it ever again. Set firm boundaries. If he isn’t able to agree to your very reasonable boundary (to not be emotionally abused) then you you have to walk away.

100%

This is awful OP and reminds me so much of my ex.
He used to look through me when I tried to talk to him and yawn as well as snigger when I became upset.

I reached a point towards the end where I stopped caring, that happens - and then the abuse escalates. So do yourself a favour, and get out. Now.

People don’t treat the people they love like this. If you love someone you want them to feel happy and safe with you. This man makes you feel the opposite. It would break my heart if my partner, in talking about our relationship, said he felt he was walking on eggshells or trying to stay out of my way. Your relationship should be your safe place, nurturing, a source of warmth and energy and comfort, not this awful, abusive, half life. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s doing it deliberately to control you, to get you to do what he wants, to let him do what he wants without questioning or discussion. This is not a good man, and you are not in a relationship that is good for you.

Within the last few months I struggled with wanting to speak up and set boundaries because I haven't before. I've never even voiced that this was hurting me or causing me to feel sick physically. I was stuck on what to say, how to say it. I'm at a point now where I'm asking myself if trying to have this conversation is even worth it. Will it change anything. If it's been like this for years, is he actually going to listen and work with me. I don't have much confidence that that'll be the case. A part of me does want to voice my feelings and boundaries just for myself, because I know I haven't stood up for myself as I should... and I very much want to. I want to show a stronger image of myself and not be a doormat but I suppose instead of trying to make him understand and instead of hoping for empathy... being strong would mean leaving the toxicity. Even if I'd be leaving with him viewing me in a certain way or holding me accountable for things... in the end I know what I've done and what I haven't and I can say with confidence I've never shown him emotional abuse or the isolation he's shown me. There's years of pent up frustrations and anxiety with a million things I've wanted to say... I wouldn't even know where to begin to be honest with you.

I've definitely learnt how important those gut feelings and red flags we see and feel in the early stages are so crucial to listen to. Those red flags will only come out again and over time become worse.
One thing I noticed early on was how withdrawn he would get when he was stressed or emotionally overwhelmed. He'd keep me at a distance for days when we weren't living together. We're complete opposites because if something is wrong I want my partner with me for support, the last thing I want to do is push them away. For him though, he gets very avoidant and emotionally unavailable when he's going through a rough patch and that often results in one week feeling like you have a boyfriend to the next week feeling like you don't. Constant back and forths, never consistently present in the relationship.

I also recall times when something made me uncomfortable and I did try to voice it and his response wasn't an apology but more so shutting me down or gaslighting me.

I'm speaking for myself but also others in this situation...it's insane how much we put up with in order to be with someone and how much we endure and sacrifice.... settling for less than we deserve even though there are so many potential partners out there that would offer us the love and attention we deserve.
Personally I know for myself that growing up around narcissists and a toxic controlling environment had led me to get into relationships with people who were not good for me. I didn't know anything else because that's always how I've been treated. I should have known better, a lot sooner but like I said my trauma is really deep rooted.

I'm really set on in the future not accepting any less than I deserve and if a baseline of kindness and mutual respect isn't there, I'm not interested. Be it for romantic relationships, friendships, family or work colleagues. We shouldn't be the only ones putting in the work or emotionally destroying ourselves while the other side is unaffected. I deserve more, people in my situation, you deserve more as well.

Wasting your time appealing to him. Boundaries arent spoken they vare done.. actions not words.
Get your ducks in a line then break up from him, hes an abuser

No, he won't listen. If he won't even listen to you about why you're a bit annoyed about something small, and in fact punishes you for weeks as a result, why on earth would he listen to you when you tell him this behaviour is unacceptable.

If and when you leave, he will probably promise you the moon. But he's lying.

Op as I said earlier in the thread and from your updates about him being hard working in his job and happy to be left alone and do his own chores, he sounds like he is an avoidant - a dismissive one and very emotionally unavailable! If you research on this topic on google and also research attachment styles you will see and realise just what is happening to you.

Im sure in the very beginning he will have been much more present, seemingly caring and probably love bombed you for the first few months of your relationship… but his mask has slipped now because he cannot maintain the facade for more than a certain period of time - a bit like a narcissist!

This is the real him, this is how he is and will continue to be how he is for the rest of his life! Nothing you say or do will ever make him behave differently. Any time you try to confront him he will shut you down and tell you he “doesn’t do confrontation”, he will turn it around to make it your fault and gaslight you, he will emotionally check out and stone wall for long periods of time because he does not have the emotional maturity to talk things through like a responsible adult!

He will be very well aware his behaviour isn’t normal but he isn’t going to change and he isn’t going to care what you think of him! He will have been like this all his life, mainly due to his background and upbringing! He lacks the emotional ability to have a single ounce of emotional empathy.

The only thing you can do, for your own sanity is to get out before you become a shadow of your former self and spend your whole life being stonewalled, gaslighted and shutdown every time you have an issue with his behaviour!

I too have been in a similar position to this but without being in a relationship - because he was that emotionally unavailable the relationship never got off the ground!

I have often thought about how things would go if I were to have that difficult conversation with him about the relationship, setting boundaries and telling him I can't accept bring treated this way any longer.
I can't know for sure but I feel quite certain he definitely would not try to promise me change or beg me to stay. I suspect there would be no fight or resistance and he'd simply allow things to end. I think knowing this and also knowing that he'd be perfectly fine on his own, probably even happier as he'd be alone and free to focus solely on himself, made me feel really unworthy because you want to feel valued and like a catch to someone.... not just someone who's disposable and easily moved on from.
I can begin to understand now how that isn't a reflection on myself or who I am as an individual.. I probably could spend the next 10 years bending over backwards trying to give him the world and I'll never be appreciated for it. All the good I do will be dismissed by those small little "mistakes". That's all he sees. I've witnessed others doing the smallest of gestures for him over the years and those gestures being held with such gratitude and appreciation while I was there doing a lot more and not acknowledged. I'm not mentioning this because I feel like I'm owed something, I did the things I did out of care and love at the time, without any expectations for something returned. It just put things into perspective that I'm now on empty trying to be the best partner and do more and more and more while he gives less and less and I'm not seen for the good person I am. Actually I'm made to feel like a really awful partner and quite inferior to everyone else.

@Birdseye10, you are incredibly insightful; and while this is an asset, it can also be a real obstacle (take it from someone who knows from entirely personal experience).

You can see, explain, understand, rationalise. Analyst James Hollis likens this to living in an apartment block with faulty wiring, and knowing that the lights won't go on when you flick the switch, and why. But unless and until you go down into the basement and address the source of the problem, you'll continue to live in, and accept, unacceptable circumstances.

You need help not so much to understand, as to move the focus on to you, which will mean having to deal with things from an emotional experience rather than an intellectual one. It gets messy and chaotic, and it is best undertaken in whatever form of therapy you choose (just not CBT, which won't help over the medium- to long-term in this instance).

By fixating on your shit of a partner, and by continuing to stay, you have every compelling reason to then avoid dealing with what's going on with you. By removing yourself from your relationship, choosing to stay single for a good long stint, and opting for therapy, you'll finally realise that you can inhabit a different space. But first, the work needs to happen.