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Original poster

Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

464 replies

LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 21:40

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Hocuspocusnonsense · 02/01/2024 10:58

I say this as an ex wedding planner. The happiest and most invested couples I worked with were those who got engaged, set a date and got married within two years. Most wanted to be married within a year but sometimes it was up to two years in order to get the venue they wanted on the date they wanted. A ‘long engagement’ shows no real intention of getting married, it’s simply ‘engaged’.

Depends on where you both are in life. Your age, how long you’ve been together, any other external factors eg a change of job that may have resulted in mixing with different people and has made him question whether he wants the commitment.

Redruby2020 · 02/01/2024 11:00

ArchetypalBusyMum · 01/01/2024 22:17

Bloody hell op. You're wide open to being totally done over here and with a man who appears to be taking what could possibly be a strategic view on this.
Can't be bothered with the faff in case it all goes wrong?!
Was he thinking about what might happen if it all went wrong when he let you pay his mortgage for him, or got you pregnant and allowed you to curtail your earning potential to raise his kid.
🫣
Ffs

Of course not, because pretty much all men look at what interest there is for them, and what they can get out of things.

MargotBamborough · 02/01/2024 11:02

Hocuspocusnonsense · 02/01/2024 10:58

I say this as an ex wedding planner. The happiest and most invested couples I worked with were those who got engaged, set a date and got married within two years. Most wanted to be married within a year but sometimes it was up to two years in order to get the venue they wanted on the date they wanted. A ‘long engagement’ shows no real intention of getting married, it’s simply ‘engaged’.

Depends on where you both are in life. Your age, how long you’ve been together, any other external factors eg a change of job that may have resulted in mixing with different people and has made him question whether he wants the commitment.

My husband and I were in a long distance relationship for a long time before I finally agreed to move to where he lived.

We were engaged within two weeks of moving in together and married six months later.

SecondUsername4me · 02/01/2024 11:04

dorriss · 02/01/2024 10:34

so any relationship without marriage is a waste?

Show me where anyone has said that.

MsRosley · 02/01/2024 11:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

I have a degree from Cambridge, but nevermind. You carry on doing you.

Justfinking · 02/01/2024 11:13

Kimmeridge · 01/01/2024 21:43

That depends. What's more important to you, being married or being with him. I know for some people not being married would be a deal breaker but conversely lots of people live very happily unmarried

But same goes for him. What's more important to him, not being married or being with him. If it's important to you I'd leave him if he doesn't think you're worth marrying. It doesn't have to be expensive or a faff, to me those are just excuses. Personally I wouldn't stay with a man who didn't want to marry me as that was important to me, definitely wouldn't have a child with one.

Fullofxmascbeer · 02/01/2024 11:13

Either get married or get put on the deeds.

Whatever you do now, don’t let him drag his feet any longer. If he tries to, it would be game over for me (and I’d be taking legal advice to get as much as I could).

Sweetglossy · 02/01/2024 11:14

Midnightgrey · 02/01/2024 00:49

I think he was trying it on to see if he could get away with it. He has deduced that you would probably leave - he can work out that after a baby and an engagement most woman wouldn't take the idea that they won't have the faff of a wedding well. He has thought about having to do all the housework and cooking, pay all the bills plus maintenance, having to find sex somewhere else while being a weekend father!

Anyway the best you can do is set the date. This will give you and your child financial security. Best do it asap before he thinks of a pre-nup (yes I know they are not necessarily binding but who would want to gamble on that).

yup! he expected op to say, no problem, marriage also not important to her and she is happy to continue with the relationship.

he knows, without op's contribution both financially and in running the household, he will be worse off.

op, you are paying towards this house, so get the paperwork for that sorted. but first, go to the registry's office today/this week and they will marry you, after the lapse of the prescribed 21 days.
@LittleCactus

PaintedEgg · 02/01/2024 11:15

@Cel119 - enlighten us then, especially since you presumably don't have assets to share and protect as you have mention

rainbowstardrops · 02/01/2024 11:19

Well he's either on Mumsnet and has seen your post, or he got worried that you'd leave him I reckon.

BillieJ · 02/01/2024 11:19

Looking at it for HIS point of view ...he paid the deposit and then she paid half of the mortgage for two years. Since then little or nothing. Depending on the size of the deposit, that could mean OP has invested very little.

Of course, the fact that she is doing the bulk (all?) of the childcare is entirely relevant and needs to be factored in - maybe he needs this explained? Isn't is possible that he is looking at everything in terms of figures? Especially if he feels the relationship is secure and there isn't going to be a break-up. It could be that he doesn't look on the OP as a potential wife and is protecting what he sees as his asset - but isn't there a chance it is more complex than that?

I imagine that any settlement/financial agreement would need the lender's authority - otherwise people could buy houses and put a third party on who has no mortgage liability and the lenders wouldn't be able to repossess in case of default.

I do think the relationship matters - if they are all happy, then marriage and a rethink of how everything would work in a case of divorce would be sensible. If it's rocky, marriage isn't really the answer

Cotonsugar · 02/01/2024 11:19

PurpleBugz · 01/01/2024 22:18

Do you want kids? I used to be very much of the opinion marriage is a piece of paper that says you can't leave easily as this was my experience leaving an abusive man. Having just had a baby while not married to a non abusive man then been dumped in the shit raising the baby and my older disabled child alone while he got a promotion and continues to built his career I'm of the opinion marriage is a safety net. My life can't go forward, I can't work or pay off my mortgage or build my pension he can. If we had been married I could have gone for his pension at least

You’re right - it’s not just a piece of paper. It gives a woman and her children some financial security. Pensions are treated as financial assets and split equally unless other assets are used to make the settlement equal for both parties.

SecondUsername4me · 02/01/2024 11:23

Depending on the size of the deposit, that could mean OP has invested very little

The OP shouldn't be investing a single penny into an asset she has to claim on. Yes - she should have been paying rent to him which would cover half the bills and a bit for her share in their room, essentially, but certainly nothing towards the mortgage or any repairs/updates done to an asset she has no claim on.

Sweetglossy · 02/01/2024 11:24

typical men: make a woman feel vulnerable by impregnating her without marriage, working part time, engage them to keep them on side just until they have past their usefulness to you, and then change your mind on all things previously agreed.

they wouldn't do that to a woman whose reaction to that is to walk away. luckily op has held her position well.

DeeLusional · 02/01/2024 11:28

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 02/01/2024 10:42

Very much not understanding how he could be good to have a baby but not to get married and be a good guy tbh. If the commitment is what scares him/gives him 'cold feet', then surely the 'making an actual human life you are responsible for' should have been a bit more intimidating than signing some paperwork?

Unless of course he doesn't see that as so much of a commitment because he can walk away from it with limited cost to himself.

Show quote history

Perhaps it was a joint decision to wait to get married? OP hasn't said.

CombatBarbie · 02/01/2024 11:30

LittleCactus · 01/01/2024 22:00

He owns the house, he's on the deeds. I basically have 0 rights to it!

Well if he still wants to be with you, he will have no qualm adding you to the deeds then will he.

ScribblingPixie · 02/01/2024 11:35

Well he's either on Mumsnet and has seen your post, or he got worried that you'd leave him I reckon.

He's worried she'll leave him so she needs to act fast to get security for herself and her child - before he stops panicking.

AgentJohnson · 02/01/2024 11:37

If he doesn’t believe in marriage why is he engaged then? Sounds like he future faked you into getting himself into a position that benefits him. For the time being forget about marriage and start securing your financial interest in your home. Then decide if you want to spend anymore time with this chancer.

CombatBarbie · 02/01/2024 11:37

Quick turn around suggests he has just had a wobble which he is entitled to do or conversations between yous two over last day or so has seen him realise how much of a dick he's been.... Or he's read this.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 02/01/2024 11:38

I doubt he's panicking about OP leaving him. She's tipped him off before getting all her ducks in a row so he's more likely panicking about to keep the house and money from her. Guess he'll be the one down to the solicitor in the morning.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 02/01/2024 11:41

BillieJ · 02/01/2024 11:19

Looking at it for HIS point of view ...he paid the deposit and then she paid half of the mortgage for two years. Since then little or nothing. Depending on the size of the deposit, that could mean OP has invested very little.

Of course, the fact that she is doing the bulk (all?) of the childcare is entirely relevant and needs to be factored in - maybe he needs this explained? Isn't is possible that he is looking at everything in terms of figures? Especially if he feels the relationship is secure and there isn't going to be a break-up. It could be that he doesn't look on the OP as a potential wife and is protecting what he sees as his asset - but isn't there a chance it is more complex than that?

I imagine that any settlement/financial agreement would need the lender's authority - otherwise people could buy houses and put a third party on who has no mortgage liability and the lenders wouldn't be able to repossess in case of default.

I do think the relationship matters - if they are all happy, then marriage and a rethink of how everything would work in a case of divorce would be sensible. If it's rocky, marriage isn't really the answer

Very little apart from endure pregnancy and risk birth to have his child, and materially damage her earning potential as she continues to do the lion's share of the childcare. Not much.

CactusMactus · 02/01/2024 11:50

Me and my partner have been engaged for nearly 15 years. Sometimes we want to get married - sometimes we don't. Currently we are saving for a kitchen and a holiday instead!
I would be way more concerned with the imbalance caused by him owning the house and you owning nothing.

HarrietTheFireStarter · 02/01/2024 12:01

Don't mention the deeds, just do the registry office thing and then work it all out. I think saying no to the marriage and going on about the needs will put him right off and leave you very vulnerable.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 02/01/2024 12:04

Jill23 · 02/01/2024 00:15

Leave. He’s shown his true colours. Let everyone else see them too. He has broken off your engagement. Walk and concentrate on securing your own financial position.

^^ This. 100%.
I wouldn’t trust him an inch after this, he’s blown it for you.

Bertiesmum3 · 02/01/2024 12:05

Boomboom22 · 01/01/2024 21:46

That's a weirdly long engagement, usually don't you get engaged then book the date?
I did, but had a tiny baby so for 1.5 years away, had I not been would've been within the year.

Nothing weird about a long engagement!
Each to their own.

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