Fiancé just told me he no longer wants to get married?

[LittleCactus]

I'm so confused. Been engaged 4 years (to the day, in fact) and he. Just told me he doesn't want to get married a anymore. Doesn't see the point and thinks it's too much faff/expense if it all goes to pot. He still wants to be with me, apparently, but not as a married couple. I love the idea of marriage and have always envisioned myself being someone's wife.
What would you do?

If you aren't willing to share your money with someone, in what sense are you committed to them?

so any relationship without marriage is a waste?

I think it's a shame that you lack curiosity here. Nobody is having a go at you, just filling in the gaps in your historical knowledge that can inform how we understand the present.

I also think it's odd to separate love and commitment from life's practicalities. Who would truly feel loved when their partner won't see that they are looked after? When they die, if they don't break up. Hey ho.

If one partner wants it and the other one doesn’t, yes.

OP already said that lots of things got in the way including the pandemic and having a baby. Nothing in her posts suggests that he was saying from the beginning that he didn't want to get married.

No, I'm all for love affairs. What I'm not interested in is playing wifey to a man who won't bother to marry me.

If you paid £ into the house on the understanding that half of it went to the mortgage you are likely to have what is called a 'beneficial interest' in the property. this would give you a % of the property even though your name is not on the deed. You need to call a solicitor.

This is another thing that has become normal apparently, people getting engaged but no marriage further down the line.

Others have probably already said, there is nothing to stop both parties owning the house even if the eligibility for a mortgage is based on just one salary. I was between jobs and just had a baby when we bought our house, mortgage based solely on his income, house ownership in both names (not married).

I know of a couple who got engaged during Covid times, so 20/21. Because the gf threw a wobbly said they will split up etc. So that was a kind gesture I think lol.
Since then she got her permanent housing, which she was waiting for.
And he doesn't officially live with her, for a few purposes. Still goes to where he used to live as he lived with relative, and she then once moved said she wanted another baby (already has one child from previous) and that was probably to keep him around more lol. And he uses her home to have his children when he has his court ordered contact time, as he has nowhere else to keep them lol.

Very much not understanding how he could be good to have a baby but not to get married and be a good guy tbh. If the commitment is what scares him/gives him 'cold feet', then surely the 'making an actual human life you are responsible for' should have been a bit more intimidating than signing some paperwork?

Unless of course he doesn't see that as so much of a commitment because he can walk away from it with limited cost to himself.

Marriage is quite obviously not an assured security.when reading mumsnet I get the feeling that feminism never happened and we are back with Jane Austen.However, not all women can have careers and be uber successful and neither can all men.We should not be impoverished for lack of a partner women or men.It sounds mad to ultra conventional mumsnetters but we should all be given smallhouses or pods to live in with ot without partners, with or without children.There should be basic income so no one is without or dependent on another.Women should stop bullying men into marriages they do not want and women should not be treated like sh...t by user men. Not all people can work for a living as hard as they try and the days of no jobs will soon be upon us as AI increases.We should not be told to be kind to each other when the forces of extreme dying capitalism are wrecking our lives and people are pitted against each other.Yes you can get yourself lawyered up poster but you need clarity from this man and you need it now married or not.

When you say 'commit' what do you mean? Are you just talking about sexual fidelity, or something else?

Shocked about the mortgage part 🤦‍♀️

Do you want to marry him? He's obviously picked up on the fact there is a chance you will actually leave. He might have cold feet, it is possible, but he is still a dick.

Little Cactus, you need to talk. He isn't a monster. I know a lot of people who just want a small no-fuss marriage. My mum was one of them - she did it in a registry office in 1966 with just four friends and they went to the pub. She was an only child and couldn't face a big "coronation". Her parents were furious at first. She is introverted and didn't want a fuss. She and my father had over 50 years of happy marriage to follow so it was no reflection of her commitment to him...

But I do think there needs to be a re-balancing of power. You should not pay into the mortgage until you get on the deeds. You should see a solicitor to find out about your rights. You should get married first, simply. Maybe then he's allowed to delay the reception party.........

Meanwhile back in the real world, women who want to have children and give those children a decent standard of living either need to maintain their career and earning power or be married. Or even both.

I'm glad you mentioned this. As I have a friend who is married, so that will make some difference. But she just assumed she would get some property out of what her husband owns, I wasn't sure, if it's about whose name is on things. But obviously different because of being married.

@Cel119 Sorry to repeat myself but I really must say that it is totally factually incorrect to say, as you did, that marriage 'has become' a financial arrangement. It has always been about practicalities. And the whole idea of 'romantic love = essential for marriage' is really very recent - just 200 or so years old.

In the past people got married for all sorts of reasons - for protection, for security, for sex, to have a housekeeper, to produce children who could lawfully inherit - etc etc etc but really and truly 'love' was not usually the predominant one. And often, in many societies, marriages were arranged. Respect, commitment (as other posters have said), desire, practical companionship and the sheer need to find a way of surviving in an uncertain world were all far more important than romance.

Or that he will. I think the child is significant here. Men are often most romantic before children come along, and to all intents and purposes they are the centre of their female partner's world. Post children, women change a huge amount often - their bodies, their sex drive, and most importantly their priorities. When a bit of your body is out there in the world walking about, your overriding priority becomes their safety and happiness. There are some baby men who just can't handle not being the most important thing to their woman. So they start looking around for another woman who will centre them, instead of honouring the woman their partner has become and joining her in their new life as parents.

Thankyou!

I get it that there are plenty, including myself previously who have been with someone years, never got engaged etc or discussed marriage, or both on same wave length and don't want marriage etc.

But it's the ones who are getting engaged but seem to think that is a new trend and it's replaced actually getting married.

I've said in one of my other replies that I know of a couple like this.
Been together about 7/8 years if not longer, he got 'engaged' with her when she got upset during Covid times, I think she said she would end the relationship obviously wasn't happy.
So he proposed lol.
Well that was 3 years ago at least maybe he is saving who knows. As he paid a lot to court to have contact with his kids from previous.
But he pretty much lives with her in her place but not a tenant, so they are both getting the best of both worlds as she's getting benefits she wouldn't if he was on the application.
Another thing that makes me sad is her saying she is on her own, as in she plays the single parent card, but she's not on her own 🤷🏻‍♀️

🙌🙌

No, but a relationship where one parties' basic needs being met is dependent on the other's goodwill alone is inherently imbalanced.

Some women won't do this though, because they are scared of the answer.

This is similar to what I was saying about the couple I know of. Yes people might think it's better that she didn't put him on the tenancy but there are reasons for that.
And that he is in her place not vice versa.
But men know when you give them ultimatums and go on about things you are not happy with. But you still keep them there.
I don't really know of any women who have had their bf living with them pretty much and kicked them out.
Most men know it's something we struggle to do.