Sex with new husband - is this common?

[Appelea]

Hello. I had a question I was hoping to get some perspective on. I haven't been married to my husband for too long. I was quite sexually inexperienced when we married.

I don't climax when we have sex. When he is ready, he enters me for about 2 seconds before he finishes. Before that, there is not really any touching on his part.

Is this common? I find it all quite disappointing.

Sorry if this is too much info for this thread .

It can be a sign of thyroid or prostrate problems. It's worth investigating.

Not sure why you are laughing, a generation is 30 years & premarital sex would be quite uncommon before the 1950’s so 2 to 3 generations is about right

Two generations would be 1960s and premarital was probably quite common then.

In fact I suspect it was always a lot more common than we think. There is a reason why it used to be easy to adopt a healthy new born, and why the Magdalene laundries were full of imprisoned women. My brother is mid fifties and was conceived out of wedlock ( though my parents married in haste once they knew). My mum herself was almost certainly the illegitimate child of her much older brother, but raised as if she was his sister. A lot of that sort of stuff would have happened.

The reason there were babies available for adoption is because there was no reliable contraception for which the woman could take responsibility widely available and abortion was illegal. 1967 was a key year for liberating women with the Abortion Act and the pill being prescribed - most GPs still wouldn’t prescribe it to unmarried women though. Most women didn’t have sex before their wedding day.

Yes,there was no reliable contraception which meant women having sex before marriage were liable to get pregnant, hence babies for adoption were common, or 'shotgun weddings' - see, it was so common there was even a phrase for it. Or being ' sent away' , another phrase for unmarried women being sent away for their pregnancy and birth to reduce the disgrace.

Sex was riskier for women, but many men would not have cared about that and predatory men were no less common and unmarried women would still have had sex drives which can lead to, well, sex. Sex before marriage would not have been as uncommon as we may like to think it was, albeit it obviously less common that it is now, but definitely not rare.

Thanks everyone. I'm grateful for this Mumsnet forum, because there's no way I would talk to anyone about this in real life.

The thing is, we have been married for a year. I was hoping it would get better if he started to relax more and become more comfortable, but things haven't got better.

I am 33 and had limited sexual experience before we married (though had a bit). He is 38 and he had been in a sexual relationship before. We have both come from religious backgrounds.

I know what it's like to orgasm and I know from films that it's meant to last for much longer. But then people say things like 'in real life sex isn't like how it is in films'. So I wasn't sure how usual my experience is.

Thanks for the recommendations about the 'Joy of Sex' book. I'll look it up.

what a stupid and unnecessary comment

There are a few things that still aren't clear @Appelea
Did you have sex before you married? (And if so, was this issue discussed?)

Has he really been in a sexual relationship before? Or is that just what he says?

Because his lack of experience (or selfishness, some might call it) doesn't point to a man who knows how to please women at all.

You've got two things going on here

His inability to arouse you with foreplay or even care how you feel
His premature ejaculation

What do you plan to do now about it?

For the PE, there are several things you can try, condoms being the easiest and most straightforward.

you could also look at mutual masturbation before PIV, you both have at least one orgasm and might also help with the PE issue

I am 33 and had limited sexual experience before we married (though had a bit).

Cutting to the chase- were you a virgin when you married?
It sounds as if you were, otherwise you'd not ask the question you did.

Surely, if you'd had sex with other men, you'd be 100% sure that your husband's behaviour wasn't right.

Likewise I'm not sure he had sex with women before you married. Or if he did, maybe they ended it because of his issues.

Hi @RainyDaysSundays ,
You say:
Cutting to the chase- were you a virgin when you married?
It sounds as if you were, otherwise you'd not ask the question you did.

yes, I technically was. I hadn't had full penetrative sex.

It's actually more normal to do this than the western culture of pre martial sex if you assess by numbers in cultures where this is the norm. So no need to judge as you are actually in the world minority view, not those that believe in no sex before marriage. Most couples just experiment and learn in this situation. The OP is reaching out for some advice.
OP, you need to go back to basics and find out what you like together and not focus just on intercourse. Don't let it be all about him though as it will set patterns that will become established and hard to break.

Okay thanks for coming back to say this.

Are you 100% sure you H wasn't also a virgin? Men do lie about their sexual past to try to impress.

He is clearly inexperienced, (or unwilling to try something to help himself) and even if he comes within seconds, he's not doing anything to make sex enjoyable for you, is he?

Does he not touch you, try oral, ask what you like?

Since you posted this, have you been able to talk to him about any of it?

Please don't gauge what you think sex should be like from watching films op.

It's now been almost 3 months since I posted about this.

I have spoken to him a few times about this. I have tried to be sensitive because I don't want to give him any complexes. I asked him if he'd be about to stay inside me for longer (he said he'd try) - and i have reminded him a few times since. He did last for about 10 seconds a couple of times, but normally not.

I've said a few times that I like being caressed, and he does caress me a bit more, but only for about 30 seconds and he never touches me 'down there' (I touch him there).

I don't climax and now I hardly enjoy it at all. The fact that I've brought it up, and nothing has really changed, makes it feel worse. I am starting to feel really down about it. We've been married for over a year.

I read the 'Joy of Sex', recommended by a PP. Some of the tips were helpful.

What does he say when you bring these issues up?

@Appelea

Unfortunately, if he's not willing to work on his sexual performance, possibly seeing a doctor about his lack of 'staying power' and if he's not interested in pleasing you, then my dear, you are at a crossroads.

You can either stay in a marriage that is not sexually satisfying for the next 30,40, or 50 years or you can leave and find someone who will joyfully meet your sexual needs. I know this is something you'll want to consider carefully (and possibly prayerfully) but I do urge you NOT to get pregnant during this time.

I'm old enough to be your mother and I've been married over 35 years to a good man. I'm also a Christian, although I'd call myself 'spiritual' rather than religious. But whether you are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or any other religion, almost all religions believe that a good sexual relationship is part of a good marriage. That husband and wife should come together joyfully for mutual pleasure and satisfaction. And that if one partner treats the other 'badly' (and that includes sexual 'selfishness' or unwillingness to please) then that is a valid reason to end a marriage.