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Relationships

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Original poster

Taking money from parents

111 replies

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:13

We're 43 and 48, both working ft on pretty rubbish wages.

The issue comes with my in-law's generosity. Example: they've said to hubby to book a nice night away for us up to the value of £200.

I think this is too much; I've always been taught by my parents to be self-sufficient.

We earn just under £30 pa between us, three kids (two bio mine, one his). Privately renting as can't afford to buy. No government support except CB.

They also pay for things like his MOT and servicing (cost £600 this time around), private dental work, some petrol money etc.

Every time I say I don't think this is right he says "Well they want to give me it."

He often doesn't tell me now when his parents gift him money because he knows it doesn't sit right with me.

Opinions please!

OP posts:

Sunnydays0101 · 29/12/2023 19:17

Depending on your lL’s own finances, £200 isn’t all that big a gift really. And if they don’t help out financially, how can you afford the dental work, car MOT, etc ?

Are you both working full time ? If not, can you both increase your hours ? Can you both upskill?

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:18

@Sunnydays0101 Both work ft. I have to save as best I can and hope things don't go wrong!! I just feel his position is: "Don't need to worry about it - parents will pay for me!"

OP posts:

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:20

@LorlieS I can't afford private dental work, that's for sure!!

OP posts:

Coconutter24 · 29/12/2023 19:20

If his parents want to gift him money where’s the harm? They are his parents and if they can afford and want to that’s up to them.
It would be a problem if he was relying on parents to pay rent or bills but from what you’ve said that doesn’t seem to be the case

Minglingpringle · 29/12/2023 19:22

Take it! If it makes them happy to give you gifts, then enjoy it.

Don’t become dependant on them (eg getting locked into an ongoing expense that you couldn’t pay for without your help). Then you would have lost your self-sufficiency, like you say, and things could go wrong if the money stopped.

But I think gifts are nice.

theresnolimits · 29/12/2023 19:22

They love him and want to help. You’ll feel the same about your own children.

Accept it gracefully. They’re not giving more than they can afford.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:23

@Coconutter24 No because I pay more of the rent and bills than he does as his parents give him "pocket money!"

OP posts:

Soozikinzii · 29/12/2023 19:23

I think that's lovely of them and not too much at all . You should accept in the good grace it was given IMHO.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:24

@theresnolimits I guess it's down to upbringing? My parents are a lot weathier than his but of the view that at 42 and 48 you should be supporting your own lifestyle and family. Which I actually agree with.

OP posts:

Neolara · 29/12/2023 19:24

I think it depends if the money comes with strings attached. If they are just lovely generous parents, I'd gratefully accept. But if the cash comes with obligations, I think it would be wise to decline.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:26

@Neolara They are the kindest of people. And that's why I don't want too feel like anybody is taking the piss.

OP posts:

Menomeno · 29/12/2023 19:27

How can you be earning less than £30k between you if you’re both working ft? Are you self-employed?

Coconutter24 · 29/12/2023 19:27

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:23

@Coconutter24 No because I pay more of the rent and bills than he does as his parents give him "pocket money!"

If you’re both working ft on similar wages, why do you pay more rent and bills? Or do you earn more?

LucyInTheParkWithDragons · 29/12/2023 19:29

Minimum wage for a FT job works out at a little over £20k. So they might be really worried about you if you’re somehow earning less than that (you mention £30k between you), and want to help.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:29

@Coconutter24 Marginally more. But I also pick up nearly all of the costs for my two sons who live with us some of the time (rest with ex-husband).

OP posts:

KinS24 · 29/12/2023 19:30

Not possible to be both working FT and bringing in 30k. Would be nearer 40.
anyway. The money thing sounds fine. It’s not in your control and it’s theirs to do what they want with.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:31

@LucyInTheParkWithDragons FT in education for me so no option of doing extra hours. My mum goes nuts at me as it is if I end up collecting toddler much after 4 😞 Hubby ft in social care.

OP posts:

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:34

@LucyInTheParkWithDragons Ex also has a loan he is very slowly paying off from when he lived with an ex. This really doesn't help. His parents know nothing of this.

OP posts:

user1471453601 · 29/12/2023 19:39

Please don't refuse their gifts. Unless there are strings attached, which from your posts don't indicate that, then your in laws are doing what they want to do with their money.

I'm in the same position as your in laws. Because I'm now quite frail I'm looked after (fed and watered, I still manage my personal care) by them I'm accumulating money hand over fist, I've got bugger all to spend my pension on. My greatest pleasure is giving it to my daughter and her partner, in the form of cash and/or presents.

don't take that pleasure away from your in laws.

Coconutter24 · 29/12/2023 19:41

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:29

@Coconutter24 Marginally more. But I also pick up nearly all of the costs for my two sons who live with us some of the time (rest with ex-husband).

That doesn’t sound to unreasonable then if you both pay a share of rent and bills and you provide for your children as long as he equally pays for his own child.
Them gifting money won’t stop unless your husband tells them to which that doesn’t sound like it would happen so I’d just not give it much thought and not let it bother me

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 19:41

There is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

And by sticking with your "it doesn't sit right with me" stance you are cutting off your nose to spite your face, because now he's not even telling you when his parents gift him money and you are literally refusing to benefit from their generosity.

You don't want a nice night away in a hotel? That's up to you.

You can't stop him from accepting money from them if they wish to give him a gift.

DH and I plan on doing this for DS in the future, in fact we've already started. We'd rather see him benefit from what would be his inheritance while he is younger and maybe needs it, rather than wait until he is (hopefully) in his 60's or 70's before he gets any inheritance.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:44

@CharmedCult But surely if we earn rubbish wages that's kind of our "fault?" A night away is a luxury. Example: I don't get my hair cut because that's a luxury I can't afford. That's my own fault for not earning more.

OP posts:

SheilaFentiman · 29/12/2023 19:47

Is it the money or is it that some of it is “pre destined” for extras like a night away when you are struggling for basics?

I do think any actual cash coming in to him should be part of his income for household purposes

SheilaFentiman · 29/12/2023 19:49

It’s not your fault - whoever is doing the jobs in social care and education that need doing would be paid that.

They may feel guilty that they ended up in more lucrative but less socially driven jobs! I

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:52

@CharmedCult They like to give us money towards "luxuries" we wouldn't be able to afford. We haven't had a night away since our daughter was born 3.5 years ago; not even on our wedding night or honeymoon!
But as much as some quality time together would be absolutely wonderful, it's not like we can't live without it if that makes sense?
On the flip side of coin, my mum came over today and had a go at me for buying Finest potatoes!!

OP posts:

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