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Original poster

Taking money from parents

111 replies

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:13

We're 43 and 48, both working ft on pretty rubbish wages.

The issue comes with my in-law's generosity. Example: they've said to hubby to book a nice night away for us up to the value of £200.

I think this is too much; I've always been taught by my parents to be self-sufficient.

We earn just under £30 pa between us, three kids (two bio mine, one his). Privately renting as can't afford to buy. No government support except CB.

They also pay for things like his MOT and servicing (cost £600 this time around), private dental work, some petrol money etc.

Every time I say I don't think this is right he says "Well they want to give me it."

He often doesn't tell me now when his parents gift him money because he knows it doesn't sit right with me.

Opinions please!

OP posts:
Sunset6 · 29/12/2023 19:53

Depends how well off the parents are. If they have plenty of money, then there’s no need to feel bad about it at all

wafflingworrier · 29/12/2023 19:55

I see where you are coming from, but, as others have said, it's their money and very generous of them, its within their means.
From their point of view, it probably wouldn't sit right with them to, say, enjoy private dentistry whilst knowing their son cannot. They sound very kind. If you were in their position, would you help your children out?
Maybe think about where your feeling is coming from. Are you jealous and wish you richer parents did this for you? Just a thought.

betterangels · 29/12/2023 19:56

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:29

@Coconutter24 Marginally more. But I also pick up nearly all of the costs for my two sons who live with us some of the time (rest with ex-husband).

This is irrelevant IMO. They're not his children. But other bills should be equal.

His parents want to help. If they can afford it, there's no harm.

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:57

@SheilaFentiman Thank you. I am incredibly proud of my hubby as he supports some incredibly mentally unwell people with literally nothing; the other day he spent his time helping out a poorly person tidy up their flat and another elderly lady he did all of her shopping for ❤️
My ex-husband (incredibly wealthy) says I'm a twat for "marrying a simp who can't provide for his family". My life with my ex was hell.
But I do think we should be doing "better" in life. We can't afford a house of our own with a room for each child and I feel that makes me a shit parent.

OP posts:
Beebumble2 · 29/12/2023 19:57

From a parents point of view - we like to give to our ACs, no strings attached. It reduces inheritance tax and it’s no good them having it when they are old and it’s nice to see them benefit now.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 29/12/2023 19:59

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:24

@theresnolimits I guess it's down to upbringing? My parents are a lot weathier than his but of the view that at 42 and 48 you should be supporting your own lifestyle and family. Which I actually agree with.

They are trying to do something nice as a treat for you, they aren't supporting you. I think you are being a bit silly. Accept the gift with grateful thanks - you are actually very lucky.

auntyElle · 29/12/2023 20:01

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:44

@CharmedCult But surely if we earn rubbish wages that's kind of our "fault?" A night away is a luxury. Example: I don't get my hair cut because that's a luxury I can't afford. That's my own fault for not earning more.

This is a very rigid, black and white, judgemental attitude. Would you judge others so harshly?

tokesqueen · 29/12/2023 20:01

Mmmm. People I know who have accepted 'gifts' like this have come to regret it as their parents age. So beholden. Not necessarily in your case though.
Having said that, PIL sit on hundreds of thousands and do nothing with it. Don't enjoy it, don't spend it, don't give it away. DS1 was 21 recently and got the usual cheque for £30.

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:04

@auntyElle I was raised being told "If you can't afford it you don't have it." I'd rather make sure my kids have got full bellies than me have a haircut.

OP posts:
auntyElle · 29/12/2023 20:07

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:04

@auntyElle I was raised being told "If you can't afford it you don't have it." I'd rather make sure my kids have got full bellies than me have a haircut.

Yes, fair enough, but that's not what I was commenting on. You said twice that being unable to afford more was your own "fault" (and presumably your DP's).

squeekyturkey · 29/12/2023 20:07

My parents still give me gifts and would do anything for me. Im 40 and they're mid 60's. I also treat them though too.

AuContraire · 29/12/2023 20:08

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:04

@auntyElle I was raised being told "If you can't afford it you don't have it." I'd rather make sure my kids have got full bellies than me have a haircut.

But his parents might like you to be able to have both.

If they free up some family money by paying for your DH's fuel, then you could have a haircut.

If my child was working hard in a society-benefitting job, I'd hate not to be allowed to help out a bit to make their life slightly more comfortable.

AnnaMagnani · 29/12/2023 20:08

Er, I earn a lot more than you too and my DM still gives me money!

I see it (as does she) as money for both DH and I. It's what parents do for their kids, even if the kids are now in their 40s. It makes her happy.

I only wish it made my MIL in happy as she has way more money.

What kind of luxury night away are the pair of you getting for £200 anyway? By the time you have paid a hotel, a meal, a child minder and the petrol you will probably have made a loss.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 20:12

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:44

@CharmedCult But surely if we earn rubbish wages that's kind of our "fault?" A night away is a luxury. Example: I don't get my hair cut because that's a luxury I can't afford. That's my own fault for not earning more.

It's the fault of the fuckers who don't want to pay essential workers properly. DO you actually think people who work in education and social care don't 'deserve' a night away, ever? Because that's ridiculous.

There's a small issue of him having more disposable income than you building resentment. But you need to work that out without making it his 'fault' for accepting nice gifts.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 29/12/2023 20:16

Beebumble2 · 29/12/2023 19:57

From a parents point of view - we like to give to our ACs, no strings attached. It reduces inheritance tax and it’s no good them having it when they are old and it’s nice to see them benefit now.

This! We're not wealthy, but we both have good pensions and some savings. I couldn't bear to sit by and watch my adult DC struggling financially while I'm in a position to help them. Ultimately they'll inherit it anyway, but I won't get the pleasure of seeing the difference it can make to them now.

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 20:19

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 29/12/2023 20:16

This! We're not wealthy, but we both have good pensions and some savings. I couldn't bear to sit by and watch my adult DC struggling financially while I'm in a position to help them. Ultimately they'll inherit it anyway, but I won't get the pleasure of seeing the difference it can make to them now.

Show quote history

This.

think about it OP, fast forward 20 years - if you can afford to treat your dc, wouldn't you want to ?

Lollypop701 · 29/12/2023 20:22

Honestly my ds is 20 and I bought him expensive trainers… to see the smile on his face… he’s pretty self sufficient even at uni although we give him an allowance he doesn’t ask for much and works. The trainers and the smile were worth it. Don’t take away a gift from someone who loves you… enjoy every moment because that’s what the gift is for

the if you can’t afford it is for daily life… gifts are to be enjoyed

AnnaMagnani · 29/12/2023 20:27

The more I think about it, your parents have done a number on you.

They are well off but have managed to get you thinking you shouldn't accept gifts from them and your low paid job is your fault and some sort of sign of personal inadequacy.

Would you seriously treat your own DCs the same?

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:28

@AnnaMagnani £200 is loads to us! My mum is having the toddler. Hubby saw a hotel room for £80 for one night and I feel sick... I don't think I earn that in a day!!

@UsingChangeofName Sadly my kids will get nothing from me as I don't own anything of value and don't have any spare money. They will inherit literally nothing which makes me feel like a complete failure.

OP posts:
Minglingpringle · 29/12/2023 20:29

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:23

@Coconutter24 No because I pay more of the rent and bills than he does as his parents give him "pocket money!"

Does he not share the good fortune with you then?

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:29

@AnnaMagnani To a point I agree. My dad was so angry at me when I left my ex because financially all was "good."

OP posts:
Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:30

@Minglingpringle He sometimes treats us to a takeaway which is appreciated because that's not cheap these days 😀

OP posts:
Minglingpringle · 29/12/2023 20:31

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:24

@theresnolimits I guess it's down to upbringing? My parents are a lot weathier than his but of the view that at 42 and 48 you should be supporting your own lifestyle and family. Which I actually agree with.

I agree. But gifts are extras.

what does he do with the rent money they save him? Buy something nice for you both? Save it?

Original poster
LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:34

@Minglingpringle They don't give him money for rent, they give him money for things like private dental treatment, MOT etc when necessary. And money for a small annual family holiday which I always feel very guilty about as the boys are not even biologically related to them.

OP posts:
tralalalalalalalal · 29/12/2023 20:37

They wouldn't offer if they didn't want to or couldn't afford to. They must love you all very much, just give back by spending time with them, helping them out whenever you can etc :)

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