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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Taking money from parents

111 replies

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:13

We're 43 and 48, both working ft on pretty rubbish wages.

The issue comes with my in-law's generosity. Example: they've said to hubby to book a nice night away for us up to the value of £200.

I think this is too much; I've always been taught by my parents to be self-sufficient.

We earn just under £30 pa between us, three kids (two bio mine, one his). Privately renting as can't afford to buy. No government support except CB.

They also pay for things like his MOT and servicing (cost £600 this time around), private dental work, some petrol money etc.

Every time I say I don't think this is right he says "Well they want to give me it."

He often doesn't tell me now when his parents gift him money because he knows it doesn't sit right with me.

Opinions please!

OP posts:
Tilllly · 30/12/2023 01:21

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 21:44

Thanks all, I know I struggle with unconditional love which I need to work on. When my now hubby told my parents he was going to propose my mum told him he was mad and not to do it because "I was so broken I cannot be fixed." I have struggled at times with my MH due to the years of coercive control but I think I'm doing OK?
I asked my mum the other day if she could name something she was proud of me for as I was telling her how proud I was of my son for his drama work at school. She said nothing.

If I were your mum, I'd be listing lots of things, just from this thread

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2023 01:46

When people talk about Peak Mumsnet, they mean awful things. Meanness and nonsense. But this thread is Peak Mumsnet at its best. From 'should my DH be receiving gifts' to 'you rock, you had a rough childhood but you're a lovely person, you deserve the best'.

OP, you are important. I'm sorry your parents don't see it. But we all do, in very little time. I know it's the hardest thing in the world to repair crappy childhood messages. It takes a lifetime. But you're on the path.

Original poster
LorlieS · 30/12/2023 02:27

Thank you everyone. Your kind words have really lifted me and hopefully now I will be able to accept my in-law's generosity more graciously.
I think, as some of you have alluded to, my struggle to accept genuine kindness comes from a place of not feeling worthy.
My husband and IL's have shown me nothing but kindness and understanding, and I never want them to feel I take that forgranted.

OP posts:
ItsMyPartyParty · 30/12/2023 06:26

I am proud of you for being fiercely independent, whatever happens you will take care of your children and yourself.

I am proud if you for working hard in a career which has a positive impact on others.

I am proud of you for escaping an abusive relationship without the support you deserved.

I am proud of your ability to be reflective, to ask for and receive feedback on yourself.

I am sure that if I actually knew you in person I’d be proud of a lot more too.

It is very sad that your mother cannot see you for who you are. But that is a reflection only on her. I know you need her help at the moment with childcare, but once you’re past that stage, please consider having your parents in your life less. You deserve much more than being pulled down by them.

PBandJ111 · 30/12/2023 07:21

Sorry but your mum is nasty.

SheilaFentiman · 30/12/2023 08:37

ItsMyPartyParty · 30/12/2023 06:26

I am proud of you for being fiercely independent, whatever happens you will take care of your children and yourself.

I am proud if you for working hard in a career which has a positive impact on others.

I am proud of you for escaping an abusive relationship without the support you deserved.

I am proud of your ability to be reflective, to ask for and receive feedback on yourself.

I am sure that if I actually knew you in person I’d be proud of a lot more too.

It is very sad that your mother cannot see you for who you are. But that is a reflection only on her. I know you need her help at the moment with childcare, but once you’re past that stage, please consider having your parents in your life less. You deserve much more than being pulled down by them.

Brilliant post. Seconded!

category12 · 30/12/2023 08:43

I know you need her help at the moment with childcare, but once you’re past that stage, please consider having your parents in your life less

Do consider that your parents may inflict the same psychological harm on your children that they have on you.

Onlylonelyontheinside · 30/12/2023 08:53

I know someone that gives his two adult children (40s) with great jobs, 350 quid a week pocket money, every week lol..

He’s obviously loaded but likes to look after his kids regardless of age..

TammyJones · 30/12/2023 09:21

Onlylonelyontheinside · 30/12/2023 08:53

I know someone that gives his two adult children (40s) with great jobs, 350 quid a week pocket money, every week lol..

He’s obviously loaded but likes to look after his kids regardless of age..

I hope they love him back.

betterangels · 30/12/2023 09:35

ItsMyPartyParty · 30/12/2023 06:26

I am proud of you for being fiercely independent, whatever happens you will take care of your children and yourself.

I am proud if you for working hard in a career which has a positive impact on others.

I am proud of you for escaping an abusive relationship without the support you deserved.

I am proud of your ability to be reflective, to ask for and receive feedback on yourself.

I am sure that if I actually knew you in person I’d be proud of a lot more too.

It is very sad that your mother cannot see you for who you are. But that is a reflection only on her. I know you need her help at the moment with childcare, but once you’re past that stage, please consider having your parents in your life less. You deserve much more than being pulled down by them.

This is a lovely post.

Original poster
LorlieS · 30/12/2023 19:14

@ItsMyPartyParty Honestly you have no idea how much those words mean - thank you. Except for hubby, that's the first time anybody has said they are proud of me in 43 years! Thank you.

And thank you to everyone on here for lifting me up. Today has really not been a good day (complicated!) and you've all focused me on trying to look at the positives 💐

From now on I will try my best to accept graciously the little gifts and treats my lovely in-laws give to us and not feel guilty for doing so x

OP posts:
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