Page 4 | Taking money from parents

LorlieS · 2023-12-29T19:13:09+00:00

We're 43 and 48, both working ft on pretty rubbish wages. The issue comes with my in-law's generosity. Example: they've said to hubby to book a nice night away for us up to the value of £200. I think this is too much; I've always been taught by my parents to be self-sufficient. We earn just under £30 pa between us, three kids (two bio mine, one his). Privately renting as can't afford to buy. No government support except CB. They also pay for things like his MOT and servicing (cost £600 this time around), private dental work, some petrol money etc. Every time I say I don't think this is right he says "Well they want to give me it." He often doesn't tell me now when his parents gift him money because he knows it doesn't sit right with me. Opinions please!

ItsMyPartyParty · 29/12/2023 21:16

OP your parents really do treat you badly, I’m sorry.

You and your husband both work hard. If you’d posted saying “his parents pay his half of the rent so he doesn’t work”, that would have been a totally different scenario. But he does work, full time, in an important job. So do you. It is a travesty that you are both so low paid that these basic luxuries are out of your reach. His family can afford what they give, and they’re giving freely with love. There is absolutely nothing wrong with accepting their generosity.

ActDottie · 29/12/2023 21:17

I think it’s lovely they support him. The amounts you describe really aren’t that much. I know some parents who have their kids £750k to buy a house!!!! But the odd amount here and there I think is nice. Also a night away for £200 sounds like they just want you to have a nice night away together which is really thoughtful.

Also your income seems incredibly low for two FT workers. I assume by £30pa you mean £30k? If that’s gross that’s really not a lot and the support from his parents I imagine means you can spend that little bit more on your children which is lovely.

pointythings · 29/12/2023 21:34

The only people here who have failed are your parents. They set you up to pick a wealthy abuser, then pressured ou to stay because of money. You have learned from them that money comes with strings attached and that there is no such thing as unconditional loving generosity.

Please now take a deep breath and learn from your ILs that generosity of spirit is real and that gifts come from love. You deserve joy in your life.

caringcarer · 29/12/2023 21:35

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:52

@CharmedCult They like to give us money towards "luxuries" we wouldn't be able to afford. We haven't had a night away since our daughter was born 3.5 years ago; not even on our wedding night or honeymoon!
But as much as some quality time together would be absolutely wonderful, it's not like we can't live without it if that makes sense?
On the flip side of coin, my mum came over today and had a go at me for buying Finest potatoes!!

I think it's very kind of your in-laws to treat you both now and again. I treat my adult kids with gifting. I have 3 DC and I gift them £500 twice a year each so £3k. I'd rather see them enjoy little treats now than leave everything to them after I'm dead.

coldcallerbaiter · 29/12/2023 21:38

Nothing wrong with it, and it is not remotely a lot of money. They are nice people and they want to do it.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 21:44

Thanks all, I know I struggle with unconditional love which I need to work on. When my now hubby told my parents he was going to propose my mum told him he was mad and not to do it because "I was so broken I cannot be fixed." I have struggled at times with my MH due to the years of coercive control but I think I'm doing OK?
I asked my mum the other day if she could name something she was proud of me for as I was telling her how proud I was of my son for his drama work at school. She said nothing.

OP posts:

CurlewKate · 29/12/2023 21:51

I absolutely love being able to give my adult children money.

betterangels · 29/12/2023 21:58

I asked my mum the other day if she could name something she was proud of me for as I was telling her how proud I was of my son for his drama work at school. She said nothing.

I'm really sorry. That's a reflection on her not you. I hope you know that.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 22:05

@betterangels I had a counsellor ask me a few years' back to write down a list of my qualities... couldn't think of any so I asked my husband! He came up with lots which was lovely 😍

OP posts:

Blinkityblonk · 29/12/2023 22:06

@LorlieS you have lots to be proud of, you have got out of an abusive relationship, doing a great job of parenting your child and letting them know you are proud of them and you are getting educated and making a better life for yourself. Let just a bit of the kindness in.

Minglingpringle · 29/12/2023 22:12

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 21:44

Thanks all, I know I struggle with unconditional love which I need to work on. When my now hubby told my parents he was going to propose my mum told him he was mad and not to do it because "I was so broken I cannot be fixed." I have struggled at times with my MH due to the years of coercive control but I think I'm doing OK?
I asked my mum the other day if she could name something she was proud of me for as I was telling her how proud I was of my son for his drama work at school. She said nothing.

Wow. Did she not ask herself who broke you?

sounds like you’re doing great. Let in the love!

rockpoolingtogether · 29/12/2023 22:13

Receive it graciously. You are standing on your own two feet but they want to help out. Let them. There are people about gifted £20k or more for house deposits!!

saraclara · 29/12/2023 22:14

Read my post above about how my MIL's example showed me what being a good mum was.

Instead of inwardly fighting what she offers you on the form of love, care and generosity, relax. Bathe in it. Enjoy it. And pass that same thing to your own children.

You'd be a better mum than yours was anyway, as I would have been. But simply enjoying who MIL was, has definitely had a huge and beneficial affect on the job I did as a parent, and now grandparent (another job she did spectacularly well)

WhimsicalMoth · 29/12/2023 22:20

You're being so hard on yourself. It sounds like you're both doing your absolute best. Things are hard at the best of times - it's certainly not your fault for not earning more. You've explained your circumstances.
You're well within your rights to accept this lovely gift from them. Enjoy your quality time together! Especially since you both work so hard xx

Dragonsandcats · 29/12/2023 22:20

I’m so sorry OP. Your parents are horrible. If my kids asked me to say something i was proud of about them, i could honestly say lots of things. They have given you a skewed view of life. your dh’s parents sound like normal family members, wanting to help if they can afford it.

BellaVita · 29/12/2023 22:21

I love treating my son & DIL. They certainly don’t expect it but it’s so nice to see their faces light up. They work incredibly hard but just starting out really and there isn’t much money for luxuries. It could be anything from making them a casserole so they can have an easy tea to paying for a new cooker. They would never ask us for these, but if we can make their lives easier then we will.

betterangels · 29/12/2023 22:24

Blinkityblonk · 29/12/2023 22:06

@LorlieS you have lots to be proud of, you have got out of an abusive relationship, doing a great job of parenting your child and letting them know you are proud of them and you are getting educated and making a better life for yourself. Let just a bit of the kindness in.

@LorlieS Sounds like you found a good man! I also agree with this PP.

pizzaHeart · 29/12/2023 22:34

Neolara · 29/12/2023 19:24

I think it depends if the money comes with strings attached. If they are just lovely generous parents, I'd gratefully accept. But if the cash comes with obligations, I think it would be wise to decline.

This^

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 23:45

@UsingChangeofName Sadly my kids will get nothing from me as I don't own anything of value and don't have any spare money. They will inherit literally nothing which makes me feel like a complete failure.

I'm not talking about inheritances, I'm talking about a little treat here and there.

But as this thread has gone on, it has become clear that the issue isn't the small ways your in-laws help you and your dh, but the abuse you suffered from your first husband and the lack of love you have had from your own parents.

I know it is easy to throw away comments on here like 'you should get some therapy' when it isn't so easy as that in real life, but seriously, talking to someone about the lack of love you have from your own parents would probably be really helpful.
The way your in-laws treat their ds and his family is FAR more 'normal' for want of a better word than the lack of support or warmth from your own parents.

TammyJones · 29/12/2023 23:59

@Minglingpringle

Wow. Did she not ask herself who broke you?

sounds like you’re doing great. Let in the love!

THIS

Some people are un real .

I used to ask myself, what did I ever do wrong.

Then I had my own child - and I was able to answer that - nothing - I didn't do anything wrong

It them not you

CBT. Helped me appreciate myself

I also couldn't accept gifts of the ex in-laws back then.

If I could do it again- I'd accept in a flash, big smile on my face - and much thank yous and appreciation to them.

TammyJones · 30/12/2023 00:04

Dragonsandcats · 29/12/2023 22:20

I’m so sorry OP. Your parents are horrible. If my kids asked me to say something i was proud of about them, i could honestly say lots of things. They have given you a skewed view of life. your dh’s parents sound like normal family members, wanting to help if they can afford it.

This is so good.
Well worth reading twice op.

Thisoldchestnut · 30/12/2023 00:16

You need to seriously consider low contact with your parents op. They've turned you into a guilt ridden martyr, while your ILs seem nice normal people. Allow yourself to be loved.

88inchesoftherapy · 30/12/2023 01:05

When your child is older, if you could afford it and knew they struggled, would you not want to help them? £200 is a relatively small amount but would be a lovely treat to you both. Now how would you feel if your child's husband/wife was telling them not to accept your gifts and efforts to make their life easier or more stress free without large car debts?

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 30/12/2023 01:10

squeekyturkey · 29/12/2023 20:07

My parents still give me gifts and would do anything for me. Im 40 and they're mid 60's. I also treat them though too.

Mine also did until their deaths - and I was in my 60s and they in their 80s.

category12 · 30/12/2023 01:12

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2023 23:45

@UsingChangeofName Sadly my kids will get nothing from me as I don't own anything of value and don't have any spare money. They will inherit literally nothing which makes me feel like a complete failure.

I'm not talking about inheritances, I'm talking about a little treat here and there.

But as this thread has gone on, it has become clear that the issue isn't the small ways your in-laws help you and your dh, but the abuse you suffered from your first husband and the lack of love you have had from your own parents.

I know it is easy to throw away comments on here like 'you should get some therapy' when it isn't so easy as that in real life, but seriously, talking to someone about the lack of love you have from your own parents would probably be really helpful.
The way your in-laws treat their ds and his family is FAR more 'normal' for want of a better word than the lack of support or warmth from your own parents.

This.