Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Taking money from parents

111 replies

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 19:13

We're 43 and 48, both working ft on pretty rubbish wages.

The issue comes with my in-law's generosity. Example: they've said to hubby to book a nice night away for us up to the value of £200.

I think this is too much; I've always been taught by my parents to be self-sufficient.

We earn just under £30 pa between us, three kids (two bio mine, one his). Privately renting as can't afford to buy. No government support except CB.

They also pay for things like his MOT and servicing (cost £600 this time around), private dental work, some petrol money etc.

Every time I say I don't think this is right he says "Well they want to give me it."

He often doesn't tell me now when his parents gift him money because he knows it doesn't sit right with me.

Opinions please!

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/12/2023 20:38

Hubby saw a hotel room for £80 for one night and I feel sick...

This isn't a typical response. I think you need to think about getting some clarity about your family relationship with money. Having a lovely, out of the ordinary, treat night away would mostly make people happy. If I earned 100k a year and someone offered to pay for a 400 quid hotel (apologies for the terrible maths) I'd be happy, not sick. But it's still a day's wage.

AnnaMagnani · 29/12/2023 20:39

His parents sound utterly lovely and caring, especially towards your kids.

Unfortunately yours sound crap - who is angry that their daughter leaves an abusive relationship?

As you have had your parents your whole life, this is the only model you have seen up til now. Your DP's parents are bloody great parents - just giving out of love and not totting up what they will get back in return.

Minglingpringle · 29/12/2023 20:40

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:04

@auntyElle I was raised being told "If you can't afford it you don't have it." I'd rather make sure my kids have got full bellies than me have a haircut.

You have been brought up with a very puritan attitude.

I mainly agree with it. Don’t spend beyond your means. Be in control of your money. Don’t get into debt.

But I think somehow your parents have taken it a bit far. If you are gifted treats - out of love, with no strings attached and no hardship for the giver - do you actually think you have to turn them down? I think this is going too far. Would you turn down a prize if you won it? It’s as if fun is immoral.

You are allowed to have fun! Even if it doesn’t precisely relate to the hard work you have put in to earn it. Like when someone invites you to a party. Or when you get a birthday present.

CharmedCult · 29/12/2023 20:41

Your own parents have really done a number on you.

OpalOrchid · 29/12/2023 20:42

I often help my adult DS out with money. Why wouldn't you if you can afford it?

LifeExperience · 29/12/2023 20:44

You have a lot of baggage surrounding money from your upbringing. Your parents' relationship with money was very disordered. Short term, let your husband have the money. There's absolutely nothing wrong with parents giving their adult children money of their own volition. Longer term, please get counseling to normalize your attitudes toward money and finance, and stop listening to your parents where money is concerned.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:47

@AnnaMagnani You're right; it's just something completely alien to me. My dad felt it wasn't really abuse because he never hit me. The police agreed back then and in front of them when I went to theirs for safety the police officer said: "Nothing I can do unless you can show me bruises." Felt like such a fraud. But then my dad is old-school and felt I should stay for sale of the kids. I mean, they had nice things and a nice home, right? Why did it matter if I had a 10pm curfew, just be back by 10pm?!

My FIL made me cry at wedding to my hubby because he paid for the pub bar tab and then for a meal with my new SIL. I've never had anybody treat me like this ❤️

OP posts:

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:48

*sake - wasn't selling my kids! 😄

OP posts:

OttilieKnackered · 29/12/2023 20:50

I’m in a somewhat similar position. Me and DP earn a bit more than you but between mortgage and full time nursery, very little left for treats or work we need on our house.

DP’s parents are what I would describe as very well off. His dad earns over £250k I think. They’ve obviously paid off their mortgage and have loads of holidays and meals out and so on but there’s still loads left to treat us and our son.

I really struggled with it at first and still do sometimes but actually, they want to help us and, as they recognise, life was a lot cheaper and easier for them when they were our age. They were able to buy a house and live comfortably on one wage for years and they know we can’t. They wouldn’t pay our bills but they will treat us to things we would otherwise have to go without or wait a long time for.

Zanatdy · 29/12/2023 20:51

I don’t see a problem, accept with the generosity in which it’s given, a parent wanting to help their child out a little.

Minglingpringle · 29/12/2023 20:53

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:47

My FIL made me cry at wedding to my hubby because he paid for the pub bar tab and then for a meal with my new SIL. I've never had anybody treat me like this ❤️

How awful.

Sounds like you should be leaning into the in-laws attitudes and away from the ones you were brought up with.

Floopani · 29/12/2023 20:55

user1471453601 · 29/12/2023 19:39

Please don't refuse their gifts. Unless there are strings attached, which from your posts don't indicate that, then your in laws are doing what they want to do with their money.

I'm in the same position as your in laws. Because I'm now quite frail I'm looked after (fed and watered, I still manage my personal care) by them I'm accumulating money hand over fist, I've got bugger all to spend my pension on. My greatest pleasure is giving it to my daughter and her partner, in the form of cash and/or presents.

don't take that pleasure away from your in laws.

Agree with this and I'm on the receiving end, my DM is very poorly and housebound. I am naturally a very self sufficient type and so would always refuse the money for petrol, something for a treat, money towards a day out.

My DM sat me down and told me how much it hurt when I refused, because she didn't have the opportunity to do these things for herself now and it really gave her pleasure to know that me and her DGC had a little extra and she could treat us. She said she absolutely knows I don't expect it or rely on it, but to take away her agency in choosing to spend her money this way made her feel a bit useless and unnecessary, which she felt she is anyway now her health is bad.

Blinkityblonk · 29/12/2023 20:56

You sound frightened of your in-laws, that something will happen if you take their money. OP, this is coming from your own experiences in life, they are just nice people who want to share their money with their own children, as you will probably want to do in turn! My mum is very generous with me and my family as is my husband's family, and the money comes with no strings attached and never has. Its nice to get a helping hand with things like the kid's coats, or a night away or a nice birthday gift, or even a loan to help you get on the property ladder. Pretty much most of my friends treat their kids and most of my friends have had money given to them at one time or another, if the family had it. I wouldn't go to the hotel if it's stressing you out, but other gifts, just accept them graciously, I don't mean to be mean but you kind of do need a hand up at this time in life and then you can pay it forward with your own kids in time, or help his parents when they need it.

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 20:59

@Minglingpringle Thank you - I will try. It's just not easy relearning all of this at 43.

I'll always remember when my now hubby first moved in with me and I asked him if I was "allowed" to go to Tesco. Think it flawed him. And then when I got there I found it so weird being able to choose what to buy and I wasn't in trouble when I got home!!

OP posts:

Electio7899 · 29/12/2023 21:00

It’s kind of a weird double standard too - you frown on dh’s parents for giving money, but your parents do childcare for you, I assume they’re not charging your for that? Childcare has a value if you have to pay for it. You sound like you should relax and enjoy a few treats to me.

Fleetheart · 29/12/2023 21:04

it’s ok! that’s what parents (often) want to do. definitely ok to accept, they know it’s hard when kids are young. don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!

Zanatdy · 29/12/2023 21:05

we don’t often see in-laws on here who treat their adult children with no expectation of anything in return. Let’s take a moment to appreciate these parents

Original poster

LorlieS · 29/12/2023 21:05

@Minglingpringle Mum knows we couldn't have afforded childcare when I returned after mat leave which would have meant that I couldn't go back to work. If I couldn't work we wouldn't be able to pay the rent on this place.
Daughter does quite a lot of preschool hours now we get the government funding but rest of time she is with my mum.
She is ALWAYS telling me and others that she "raises" our daughter because I have to work. Makes me feel like an awful mummy.

OP posts:

user1471453601 · 29/12/2023 21:06

@Floopani you said what I feel much more eloquently than. Thanks for that, and the reference to agency is particularly appropriate.

AnnaMagnani · 29/12/2023 21:08

Has it ever occurred to you OP that your Dad is the reason you married your abusive ex? He basically trained you to be a doormat with super low expectations.

Congratulations on meeting your lovely new partner and fantastic ILs!

AnnaMagnani · 29/12/2023 21:09

Just seen your latest post, your mum is just as bad.

saraclara · 29/12/2023 21:09

I do the same as your in-laws.

I'm at a point in life where I have far more disposable income than my DDs do. The energy crisis, the interest rate and the cost of living in general affects them far more than it does me.

I use far less energy (there's only me and my home is far better insulated than either of theirs).
The rise in interest rates only benefits me, as my mortgage is paid off and I'm at last getting decent interest on my savings. Their mortgages shot up and they have next to no savings.

I'm retired, the cost of their work commute has increased.

I really don't want to sit on my money which if all the generation above me in my family are anything to go by, will all be spent on care, when it can benefit the people I love most. So when I got winter heating allowance I shared it with them. When I realised I was getting a fair bit of interest on savings that I don't need, I used it to help pay for a proportion of my DGDs nursery costs.

My kids don't take me for granted. They are very appreciative. And it makes me happy to help them.

Electio7899 · 29/12/2023 21:10

Sounds like your parents conditioned you to accept poor treatment from your first H - very unpleasant of your mum to say that. Can you not see though precisely that childcare has a £ value, and it’s probably worth more than you dh’s gifts. you shouldn’t be feeling bad about either.

ahh I see but in your universe, the childcare is ok to accept because you need that to work, whereas an MOT is a luxury?

I wouldn’t feel bad about accepting all of the available help, and sorry for you that your parents lump in practical help with judgment and nasty comments.

mamacorn1 · 29/12/2023 21:10

It’s lovely of them, and they just want to help. Say thanks and don’t mention it again. It’s his family and their choice.

florentina1 · 29/12/2023 21:16

When we were young we were really poor. My MiL,who was on a very low wage, bought my children new outfits every summer and paid for their coats and boots every winter. I was so grateful for her help.

I have three brilliant children and love them and their partners to bits. Never have any of them asked for money. I have, however, given them money for various things throughout their lives. They have always been so grateful and it gives me a lot of pleasure to do it.

I believe your in-laws are acting out of love. I don’t want to leave my kids and their partner's a ton of money when I am dead. I want to see them enjoy the money while I am alive.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5