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Original poster

Can't afford to date him

53 replies

Economymum · 28/12/2023 16:53

I'm a single mother with two children divorced 2 years, separated longer. I work part time and earn an average wage with some financial support from the children's dad. He is very involved, co parent well. I'm not well off but we manage, kids have hobbies, I can cope with careful budgeting.

I was not actively looking to meet anyone. Ive been happy and content with being single. But very recently, I met someone quite randomly and got chatting about a similar interest. We have a lot of shares interests. From what I know so far, he seems kind, respectable, intelligent and I enjoy talking to him. We've been for a few dates now and he's keen to do more things together.

The problem is, he seems to have a bigger disposable income than me. His children are grown up and not as dependant. He enjoys a different lifestyle, in terms of eating out, holidays, concerts etc. It's just not what I'm used to. We've had a few casual dates where I've suggested walks, as I'm used to doing free and outdoor activities with the kids, but now he wants to go for more meals out and things, I just don't know what to do. I'm considering just telling him that I can't see him due to the fact we are at different stages and have different lifestyle expectations?? Just because it seems so awkward to say to him, I can't afford this!

Before I had kids, I was career driven but now I don't have a huge interest in earning money and I'd much rather be at home as much as possible with them and avoid childcare costs. It was my plan to go back to work full time once they were up a little bit.

Would you be honest and say this as a way to explain? I really enjoy talking to him but I don't want him or anyone to think I'm hanging on expecting a free ticket to lots of places.

Dating is complicated and why I've stayed away so long!

OP posts:
Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 18:31

Livinghappy · 28/12/2023 17:44

@Economymum is he much older than you? Just thinking if there is potential for other incompatibilities down the line..such as holidays, especially if you are restricted to school holidays.

Dating later in life is trickier as there are many more factors to take into account. Be honest about your finances. If he's worldly he is likely to be aware of financial challenges, if not is he the right person for you to date?

Yes he is a bit older. And this has been unexpected for me. I am trying to find the balance between not over thinking and also being aware of any future challenges .

I may need to work out if I can handle a relationship and all the potential for rejection. As a recovering people pleaser, I work hard on being honest and true to myself...do I want to let anyone in!

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 28/12/2023 18:38

@Economymum I think it’s great you told him well done. Remember some things like buying a pub lunch might not seem a big deal to him if he’s at a comfortable place in life financially. You’ve put your cards on the table and if he wants to do treats he can but you can try and keep the costs low so you are comfortable.

There’s always compromises - stuff like a BYO Indian/Chinese are great for a date if you want to eat and drink but keep the costs down.

Suckitup101 · 28/12/2023 18:45

Well done you, that takes a lot of guts and is a very good example of "adulting". I like his response, he seems like a great guy- enjoy it.

RockandRollers · 28/12/2023 18:47

He sounds very decent, people bring different things to relationships, you've been honest and he understands, l think this could be start of something good.

80s · 28/12/2023 18:49

I may need to work out if I can handle a relationship and all the potential for rejection.
You're in a position where you are wondering whether to reject him. Sounds like you'd absolutely be ready to do it in favour of protecting your own family lifestyle. That doesn't sound like someone who's desperate to please, or who couldn't handle a relationship ending.

Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 18:50

Thank you, I really appreciate the comments 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 18:53

80s · 28/12/2023 18:49

I may need to work out if I can handle a relationship and all the potential for rejection.
You're in a position where you are wondering whether to reject him. Sounds like you'd absolutely be ready to do it in favour of protecting your own family lifestyle. That doesn't sound like someone who's desperate to please, or who couldn't handle a relationship ending.

Thank you for highlighting that, I hadn't thought about it like that actually

OP posts:
jolies1 · 28/12/2023 18:55

As long as the dating is give and take and you are honest about how you are feeling there’s no reason this can’t carry on if you are having a nice time. For some men the effort counts just as much as the £££ - if he has plenty of disposable income he might think nothing of treating you to dinner because he enjoys your company and wants to try out a nice new restaurant. You can plan some lovely dates that are not as spendy - nice walk with a flask of something to share, cook him a lovely meal when kids are with their dad etc.

Jeannie88 · 28/12/2023 18:57

Just be honest, you will be saying from the standpoint of I really like you and want to pay my way but I have to be careful. When I met my DH I was in a similar situation. I'd graduated but hadn't found my ideal job so was working all kinds of minimum wage jobs and volunteering to get my foot in the door so didn't have much money. He had just started a well paid job and would take me out and pay and then I would take him out and pay (vouchers, happy hour etc) When we moved in together we split rent and bills to what we could both afford and then I started my career and was the main breadwinner so guess it can work out. Meanwhile he sounds lovely and knows you're not ttp. X

caringcarer · 28/12/2023 18:58

Economymum · 28/12/2023 18:22

He messaged back saying he's glad I shared how I felt and he understood that these things are expensive and I that I might feel indebted to him. He said he likes giving and expects nothing in return. I do feel much better saying it now, then he knows what to expect.

Well done. It's always best to be honest from the start. He sounds really nice.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 28/12/2023 19:36

Economymum · 28/12/2023 18:22

He messaged back saying he's glad I shared how I felt and he understood that these things are expensive and I that I might feel indebted to him. He said he likes giving and expects nothing in return. I do feel much better saying it now, then he knows what to expect.

That's really nice @Economymum and I'm glad he was understanding. I really do think that there are some men out there that are proud and happy to take their lady out and really enjoy being able to do so. You've been very honest that you'd be equally happy to go for a nice winter walk or have a chat over coffee, I think you can be very secure in the fact that if he decides to pay for something nice for you both, it's because he truly wants to. Glad everything turned out well x

Nttttt · 28/12/2023 19:44

My Partner has no idea of budgeting and never has. He’s not super well off or anything but he just will make things work if he wants to do something (holidays/michelin restaurants/fine wine)

When we first started dating if he invited me to do any of these activities I would expect I would not be paying. An invite from a date is “can I take you to insert fancy restaurant” That’s him offering is how I would look at it.

If he wanted to go on walks or just go get coffee I also would’ve loved that too and these are the dates I would’ve put to him and treated him back with, although he would always want to pay even at the dates I invited him on.

We’ve now been together a few years and live together and having a baby. When he books us fancy things he will always pay because he knows for me being sensible with money is much more important and I pick up the pieces on our monthly budget 😂

It seems this guy is pretty decent and will understand your circumstances- perhaps be is also happy to pay for you as he wanted to treat you and just spend time with you (whilst also doing the expensive things he likes!)

Toenailz · 28/12/2023 19:46

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill here. You've explained it to him, he's responded in a lovely way. Just enjoy it if you want to date him? It's just dating at the moment...

Yert · 28/12/2023 19:54

He sounds like a nice man. Just go with the flow. Good quality men are hard to find.

Wartsnalll · 28/12/2023 20:09

How much older is he?
Men don't give without expectation, the expectation could be as simple as being seen in the company of a younger woman or enjoying a few hours with an attractive woman. If he thinks you're hot enough he'll pay for everything. If you want a 50-50 relationship it won't happen with him so i would get comfortable with this 'sugar daddy' dynamic or find someone who is on a budget like yours. Im sure your old man knows you are poorer than him with you having 2 kids and a part time job, it's obvious you have less money! Men don't generally care but you seem to want to feel 'equal' and you'll never be equal with this man because of finances, age gap and different life stage.

mambojambodothetango · 28/12/2023 20:13

When I first met DH I was living just about within my means and that was a struggle. He has always been in higher paid jobs and couldn't believe it when I told him what I earned (that was several months down the line). From the start I think he clocked that he was the higher earner and when things got a bit more serious we had a frank discussion. He basically said that he respected me for who I was and wanted to be with me so much that he saw us as a team and he'd pay for stuff if I couldn't. Now, 19 years on, we're married with 2 DC. He earns about 10 times what I do but it's all shared and he classes what I do (part time not for profit work plus all DC and family/home stuff) as my job and therefore we're equal. Hopefully your chap will like you enough that he sees it this way too.

Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 22:20

Wartsnalll · 28/12/2023 20:09

How much older is he?
Men don't give without expectation, the expectation could be as simple as being seen in the company of a younger woman or enjoying a few hours with an attractive woman. If he thinks you're hot enough he'll pay for everything. If you want a 50-50 relationship it won't happen with him so i would get comfortable with this 'sugar daddy' dynamic or find someone who is on a budget like yours. Im sure your old man knows you are poorer than him with you having 2 kids and a part time job, it's obvious you have less money! Men don't generally care but you seem to want to feel 'equal' and you'll never be equal with this man because of finances, age gap and different life stage.

Fair point. He's 11 years old. I'm not looking to be with anyone so it's not like I'm currently dating and will need to change my criteria to someone on a level with me. It's either, do I choose to keep talking to this guy, or go back to carrying on solo. In my previous relationships and in my marriage, I was always the higher earner so it's new to me and I've never had to consider if I do have a need for equalness. I was happy to pay more before. I suppose by saying something to him, perhaps I took the pressure off any expectation that I would be matching him with booking these types of dates. Its new to me and I felt a bit embaressed. Like a few pp said, I can go ahead and plan things within my budget and not feel like anything is going unsaid about it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 22:23

mambojambodothetango · 28/12/2023 20:13

When I first met DH I was living just about within my means and that was a struggle. He has always been in higher paid jobs and couldn't believe it when I told him what I earned (that was several months down the line). From the start I think he clocked that he was the higher earner and when things got a bit more serious we had a frank discussion. He basically said that he respected me for who I was and wanted to be with me so much that he saw us as a team and he'd pay for stuff if I couldn't. Now, 19 years on, we're married with 2 DC. He earns about 10 times what I do but it's all shared and he classes what I do (part time not for profit work plus all DC and family/home stuff) as my job and therefore we're equal. Hopefully your chap will like you enough that he sees it this way too.

Thank you, it sounds like you have a good balance going on and got there through openly communication once comfortable to talk. Money talk is a bit gross, but has to be done I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Economymum · 28/12/2023 22:47

*11 years older!!!!!

OP posts:
Sashya · 29/12/2023 01:22

@Economymum

Whoever said something about this being a sugar daddy dynamics have no idea of what they are talking about. You are hardly in that zone or even close to it.
This guy sounds nice. And you two have a good normal dynamic with common interests and things developing very naturally and slowly.
You defined your boundaries and offered to walk away - or to do things that you are able to afford. You are not expecting or demanding presents and treats.

People can have different income levels and get along and date. It all depends on the attitude and expectations, and respect, and fairness.
It is a very cynical to right away jump to - "what does he get out if it sort", "he is paying for the younger woman to be by his side"...
He is not supporting OP's lifestyle expecting something in return. He is enjoying her company, as she is - his.
The expenses of dinners and some shows - while beyond OP's budget - are not significant in his budget. He is not buying her. He is just being fair and generous. He wants to see those concerts and shows - and it's fun to go with a date/friend/etc.

I do similar with friends - some of my friends are in more difficult financial situations. When I invite them to places/shows I know are not in their budget - I refuse to let them contribute. Or I pay a larger share.
I do not buy my friend's time. I genuinely like spending time with people I like and think if I am more fortunate at this time - paying more is fair.

OP - just relax and see how it evolves. And - have fun!

You sound like you have put your life on hold so completely for your kids.

I have been there myself - so I recognize it.
But - you matter too. And you do need a life - so it's nice this guy came along.

Mintygoodness · 29/12/2023 01:43

I think you may also want to discuss with him that to be comfortable with what the power dynamic of money can do in a relationship you would still like to have dates that are free or low budget mixed in with his normal spend.
I would think it would be good news to a man and flattering that you just want to get to know him in a low-key budget friendly way and are the opposite of a Gold Digger. In fact you could challenge him to be more creative!
I would continue to be honest and transparent with him and take it one day at a time, don't worry too much about where this is going just enjoy yourself.

Kitkatcatflap · 29/12/2023 02:13

When I was a student (went to uni late) around mid 20s I met a man, he well paid job and worked long hours. He was also a foodie and ate out in nice restaurants that were way beyond my means.

I had this conversation, 'I do want to see you but can't match these dates and feel uncomfortable with you paying' He said, he enjoyed eating out at nice places with good company and it wouldn't be the same on his own, so it wasn't an issue.

We would go out to a nice restaurant and the next time I would cook at home (he never cooked, I loved cooking) and he always enjoyed a hone cooked meal. I also made him a birthday cake and he had never had one for some reason. He was really chuffed.

If it progresses, you will find a natural way of doing things without it seeming transactional or being a kept woman.

Good luck OP

Spencer0220 · 29/12/2023 04:22

DH and I had vastly different incomes. Him, most.

We did it so that most dates were at my budget level. Even if he paid, so that I didn't feel awkward.

That said, he's not the flashy type.

Tilllly · 29/12/2023 04:34

I was where you are - married to him for 23 yrs now!

But I had to have the talk twice. I explained my limited income and I couldn't afford to do these more expensive things
That worked so far but I had to really drill down then, because he understood that to mean pub meals not restaurant meals
When what I meant was home cooked meals!
We got there in the end

Am just saying, be really clear

Original poster
Economymum · 29/12/2023 05:30

Sashya · 29/12/2023 01:22

@Economymum

Whoever said something about this being a sugar daddy dynamics have no idea of what they are talking about. You are hardly in that zone or even close to it.
This guy sounds nice. And you two have a good normal dynamic with common interests and things developing very naturally and slowly.
You defined your boundaries and offered to walk away - or to do things that you are able to afford. You are not expecting or demanding presents and treats.

People can have different income levels and get along and date. It all depends on the attitude and expectations, and respect, and fairness.
It is a very cynical to right away jump to - "what does he get out if it sort", "he is paying for the younger woman to be by his side"...
He is not supporting OP's lifestyle expecting something in return. He is enjoying her company, as she is - his.
The expenses of dinners and some shows - while beyond OP's budget - are not significant in his budget. He is not buying her. He is just being fair and generous. He wants to see those concerts and shows - and it's fun to go with a date/friend/etc.

I do similar with friends - some of my friends are in more difficult financial situations. When I invite them to places/shows I know are not in their budget - I refuse to let them contribute. Or I pay a larger share.
I do not buy my friend's time. I genuinely like spending time with people I like and think if I am more fortunate at this time - paying more is fair.

OP - just relax and see how it evolves. And - have fun!

You sound like you have put your life on hold so completely for your kids.

I have been there myself - so I recognize it.
But - you matter too. And you do need a life - so it's nice this guy came along.

You have made me emotional reading this! Thank you for understanding and your kind words. You sound like a lovely friend and mum! Yes, you are right, I am just going to enjoy this...I feel like I've been honest and these are my life choices so, if he wants to go out and enjoys these types of things, then I can too but not feel too guilty now about it all! I genuinely do feel like he is very kind, and whilst I'm on a certain ' high alert' for anything else, your comment made me realise its okay to just enjoy myself too :)

OP posts:
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