Sister called DH a bully

[Winterjam]

Posting to get some hopefully non-judgemental perspective please. I met my sister yesterday and in passing she referred to my DH as a controlling bully. I asked her what she meant by that because it’s an insulting thing to say, and she just said she meant it exactly the way she said it because I always do what he wants. I felt upset because she made me feel like an idiot, and even today I still think that it was a shit thing to say.
The thing is that he has become bossier lately. It’s small things and I didn’t think about it too much, but my sister’s comment was probably aimed at these and now I am feeling unsure about them. It mainly concerns health and safety issues, and he never tries to control what I do or who I am meeting which is what I would consider controlling. I know that he loves me and that he has good intentions, and I never saw it as anything negative but the conversation yesterday made me wonder if I am naïve or if my sister is just being mean. She has been pretty negative about several things lately.

I think you'll need to give some examples if you want advice.

What sort of “concern” for health and safety. Controlling behaviour isn’t limited to “you’re not allowed to go out wearing that” etc.

if I am naïve or if my sister is just being mean

It could be one, the other, or somewhere in between. Without any more information from you, it’s impossible for anyone to say.

Yes makes sense. I normally use public transport to get to and from work but it includes a 20-25 minute walk, and he doesn't want me to walk on my own after dark. No issues if I am with others but he doesn't want me to walk on my own. Similar if I am out in town or so but he is mainly concerned about the work walk as it can be a bit deserted.
He has also become more focussed on food/ nutrition though this had always been an issue for himself because of some abuse/ childhood experience. So this isn't entirely new but has become more pronounced and includes me now.

You’re an adult. He doesn’t get to control how you get home or what you eat. Sounds like she might have a point.

Ok so what - is he picking you up so you don’t have to do the walk? If so I don’t really see a problem.

Regarding food - does this impact what you eat/how you cook etc?

I am going to go out on a limb and say your sister probably has a point and you know that on some level.

I think it’s sweet he’d not want you walking alone in the cold and dark, but maybe you could expand on the food/nutrition thing? Does he control what you eat? Prevent you from eating the foods you want to? Does he restrict your movements if you’re walking alone? Prevent you from leaving if you’ll not be accompanied?

I hardly think that being a bit concerned that her walk home isn't ideal is being 'controlling'

I think these questions are very relevant

So he doesn't 'want you to', we get that.

But you've forgotten to tell us the upshot?

Do you do it anyway? If so, does he sulk about it?

What does he think you should do instead, to avoid the walk? The food/nutrition thing sounds more concerning.

Sorry op but you still need to give more detail.

You seem to have a narrow view of what controlling is too. What specifically about food does he control?

What do you me by bossy?

@Nanny0gg OP also says he doesn’t want her to walk alone in town either.

Has your sister seen more than you’re telling us here? Do you tell her more that has given her the idea he’s a bully? She can’t have come to this without seeing or hearing stories. I don’t think him worrying about you walking in the dark is controlling at all, neither is caring about what you eat…

She’s right, isn’t she?

he never tries to control what I do or who I am meeting which is what I would consider controlling

I thought this about my then husband but I realised once we had separated how much he tried to influence the way I thought about people, they can be very subtle with their controlling ways. And very believable.

It could be that your sister is hearing what you tell her and seeing what's happening without the emotion that you have possibly clouding your judgement. This isn't a criticism of you at all, I've been there, I'm just saying it's easier for those of us who don't know your husband to see a potential pattern of behaviour for what it is.

Can you say more about the walking in the dark thing @Winterjam ? How does he think the problem should be solved?

Regarding work: there is a bus that goes from my office to the train station and he wants me to take the bus instead of walking alone after dark. Normally I walk with colleagues but if I am the last one to leave the office it can be deserted and I can see his point. He does not stop me from going out or doing things but he wants me to use taxis.

The food thing is more complicated and it means that he doesn't want me to eat some things or different ones. If we cook at home I'm usually ok with it but if we eat out then I still order what I want. He can get a bit grumpy then but I think it's because he is bit obsessive about his own health/ fitness.

He needs to get over being grumpy about what you eat - that's dodgy and controlling.

He is sound like a bully tbh. Thinking he has a right to say what you eat is unbelievable.

How you travel and what you eat isn’t up to him.

I can understand the bus/taxi thing but him not wanting you to eat certain foods is worrying.

When he's being grumpy do you change your behaviour to try and placate him @Winterjam ?

Do you actively not do those things then?

or if you do, how does he respond?

that’s the relevant part.

Yep the food thing is very controlling- your sister is right to be worried.