Sister called DH a bully

[Winterjam]

Posting to get some hopefully non-judgemental perspective please. I met my sister yesterday and in passing she referred to my DH as a controlling bully. I asked her what she meant by that because it’s an insulting thing to say, and she just said she meant it exactly the way she said it because I always do what he wants. I felt upset because she made me feel like an idiot, and even today I still think that it was a shit thing to say.
The thing is that he has become bossier lately. It’s small things and I didn’t think about it too much, but my sister’s comment was probably aimed at these and now I am feeling unsure about them. It mainly concerns health and safety issues, and he never tries to control what I do or who I am meeting which is what I would consider controlling. I know that he loves me and that he has good intentions, and I never saw it as anything negative but the conversation yesterday made me wonder if I am naïve or if my sister is just being mean. She has been pretty negative about several things lately.

‘walk home’ not ‘get home’ from work 🤦🏻‍♀️

Sorry to break to you op@Winterjam . Re what you say here about food- yes, your sis is right. That's controlling and bullying.

Clearly this has planted the seed in your mind, OP, and caused you to reflect on what your sister has said when you were no longer in the heat of that situation.

Talk to your sister calmly. Tell her you were defensive at the time, for which reason the discussion wasn't exactly productive, but now you are calmer you'd like a conversation about precisely what has led her to these conclusions. If she has your best interests at heart she will probably be happy to do this.

Not wanting you walking alone in lonely places after dark makes sense. If there are constraints being placed on your ability to go out, or who with, then that puts an entirely different spin on it. Any commentary on your food does send up a bit of a red flag to me.

Keep an open mind on what your sister has to say. You might have to allow for the possibility than she is, at least in part, right.

Your train of thought would be better off thinking about whether she's right or not, not whether it's a mean thing to say or not.

Well, do you order, I dunno, raw shellfish? Or foods that you are sensitive to and will leave you in agony all next day? This would annoy me a bit. But if he’s always telling you to have the salad and not potatoes then that’s awful.

What exactly are his issues with food OP and what is it he's asking you to do or not do regarding food?
Does he have severe food allergies or something? Is that why he's worried?

Not a bully but far more controlling than I'd be OK with.

No, incorrect. That is a bully.

With the walking alone in the dark it isn’t about whether it is dangerous or not for you to walk alone or whether your DH or anyone on MN would like you to avoid doing so. It’s about whether you are happy to do so. It isn’t up to your DH to decide if it’s too risky for you. His trying to dictate how you get about is controlling. If you get something out of the walk and prefer it to getting a taxi, It’s your risk to take if you want to. (And statistically, it isn’t more risky for women to walk alone at night than men in terms of assault or robbery, harassment can make it unpleasant but it doesn’t sound like that’s an issue on these walks and it’s fine to change your mind if you start to find them unpleasant).

Making the suggestion you take a taxi is nice, insisting is controlling.

The food thing, again, it’s fine for him to suggest something, and he doesn’t have to eat like you. There may need to be a negotiation if you are cooking and eating together because that does affect him. But ultimately it’s up to you what you put in your body. He doesn’t have to cook it for you, but it’s your decision what you eat.

So I think your sister may be right and it could be worth a calmer chat with her about what else she’s noticed and conversation with your DH about how he’s treating you. You’re his equal, not a child he is responsible for protecting from their own choices.

I don’t think bully is the right word.

He doesn’t get any say about what you eat. How weird would it be if you started telling him what to eat?? That is really strange behaviour.

Thank you

I'm assuming the sister has witnessed his reaction to op ordering the food that he has banned while they've been in a restaurant and I suspect that the way he treats op is bullying.

Also assuming from the post that controlling food is not about allergies etc but simply about limiting what he perceives as 'bad foods eg. Unhealthy ones. He probably also dresses it up as being concerned about the op's health etc. As lots of controlling bullies do - disguise it as just being concerned and caring about the person they are doing it to.

of course it's your partners business, as they want an active future with you, not one of being a carer to your failing body

Control freak

My sister and my best friend both told me during my separation that they saw behaviours in my XH through the years that they wish they'd called him out on, or talked to me about.

Try to unpick this more with your sister, then reflect deeply on her concerns.

Your sister loves you and cares about you.

She is concerned that you are in a controlling relationship and don't realise it. Now you've thought about things, you have acknowledged the food issue, and I suspect that the more you think about it, more things will come creeping out of the woodwork that you haven't noticed before.

You come across as minimising his behaviour.
Your sister has your back.

I'm going to suggest that the examples you've given are a tip of the iceberg.

Sorry OP.

The food issue I am a bit on the fence about. Is there any more to it? E.G I know a couple and one of them has a high blood pressure issue. The other would get upset if she ate things that were likely to make it worse, I didn't see that as controlling, he wanted her to look after herself and she wasn't doing it, quite often thinking things she'd been told not to by a specialist. However I was on her side when he protested at her buying some treat foods for her birthday, after she'd been careful most of the year!

What do you think he'd say if you had a really open conversation about it? Are there any nuances like that?

The walk, I am with him on that I'm sorry but that is just one person's opinion. I know of women who are very safety concious and won't walk anywhere alone after dark, ones who see it as their right to walk anywhere (which it is!) at any time and are happy to take the risk, and everything in between. That's being caring IMO, not controlling. None of my ex DPs would have been happy with me walking along a canal at night, and neither would I.

Ultimately though, it is your choice.

With walking home from work i can see why he doesnt like that walk and he has offered an alternative suggestion. I wouldnt be concerned about him with that. You've the added danger of it being a routine as well, which makes you more vulnerable. Has he offered to drive you? Can you not drive?

but the food thing is unacceptable.

I don’t think there’s anything unreasonable about not wanting you to walk alone on a canal path in the dark next to a lorry park

the food issues seem very complex sounds that’s more about him with a massive back story rather than controlling you

I’m guessing your sister doesn’t like him anyway so will fill a lot of the blanks in herself to fit her negative narrative she has of him

He gets grumpy if you don't eat what he thinks you should eat?

Wow!

Team Sister

I can understand the travelling late in the dark walking home thing especially safety in regards of yourself and knowing the kinds of issues some or lots of issues women can experience 🤔 such as potential sexual assaults ect,

So his concern there is valid,

It's the controlling what you eat that is worrying odd,

Any other examples of controlling behaviour?

Ummm. I think that its all a bit straws in the windish. The walking home bit I get but added to the food....its all getting a bit sussy. In passing, here is a useful link for people who find they need to walk somewhere alone at night https://strutsafe.org/?fbclid=IwAR3qFQOMW9qpp6l_AIF2aSEcubnVJWnkhvSjwLnpPAybxLIFC4L-sLlzUMs#about

Sulking for hours over what food you chose to order and eat is not normal and is very controlling. He is literally trying to control your actions by making the atmosphere so bad that you'll not order it again.

Your sister has a point.

I don't think he's being U about safety getting home. I think he's a bit U and controlling about food: not a bully, but controlling in the way that people with eating disorders sometimes are. Does he have/ has he had an eating disorder?