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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister called DH a bully

113 replies

Winterjam · 28/12/2023 13:52

Posting to get some hopefully non-judgemental perspective please. I met my sister yesterday and in passing she referred to my DH as a controlling bully. I asked her what she meant by that because it’s an insulting thing to say, and she just said she meant it exactly the way she said it because I always do what he wants. I felt upset because she made me feel like an idiot, and even today I still think that it was a shit thing to say.
The thing is that he has become bossier lately. It’s small things and I didn’t think about it too much, but my sister’s comment was probably aimed at these and now I am feeling unsure about them. It mainly concerns health and safety issues, and he never tries to control what I do or who I am meeting which is what I would consider controlling. I know that he loves me and that he has good intentions, and I never saw it as anything negative but the conversation yesterday made me wonder if I am naïve or if my sister is just being mean. She has been pretty negative about several things lately.

OP posts:
Begsthequestion · 28/12/2023 15:55

Sulking for hours over your food choice is unacceptable. He's punishing you for not doing what he wanted.

Do you know what triggered your sister to call him a bully this time, or the other similar comments she's made? What did she see/hear about him that made her say that?

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 15:58

Ah, but it's just daft to be him (sulking over your choice of food) and you accepting it! It makes no sense in an ordinary, sensible world!

Just can't get over why this would be a thing?!?

Just get rid.

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 15:59

That's not the point!

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 16:00

Last message to just existing.

Why doesn't the reply button not work?

Grimpo · 28/12/2023 16:00

Winterjam · 28/12/2023 15:29

The work thing. Tbh I had never thought about it much because I enjoy the walk after being in the office all day. I think he is right about it though as it is very dark and deserted at times and includes a walk along the canal next to a lorry depot.
The food thing has definitely cause some disageements, and I have placated him sometimes. There have been times when he sulked for the whole evening, other times he just accepts it and leaves it. If we are at invited somewhere he usually doesn't cause any fuss. I guess the food issue is probably somewhat controlling

It's sulking all evening that I would find deeply off-putting. You need a conversation with him about the fact that he has no right to dictate what you choose to eat and if he doesn't snap out of it there will be serious consequences.

PegasusReturns · 28/12/2023 16:03

Actually @JustExistingNotLiving Hmm there is totally a difference between someone saying you should do something because there is a real (or perceived) impact on your well-being versus pandering to someone else’s preferences.

you’re right it doesn’t give anyone a free pass and I didn’t suggest it did - in fact I was explicit his behaviour wasn’t in - but intent matters when it comes to how the OP should proceed. Which is what she’s presumably looking for advice on.

Tropie23 · 28/12/2023 16:03

Are you pregnant, OP?

MistletoeandJd · 28/12/2023 16:04

The walking alone one is sensible I think.

The food one is one to watch like I have to nag my oh with vegetables and fruit and stuff and especially if hes on lates and cobstant take aways I think alot of mainly women try to at some point if their partners have bad diet. But ultimately I'll just roll my eyes a bit and crack on. There is some pretty out there things about diet and people very into health and fitness can get very into them and see some of these foods on par with drugs. If he gets over it pretty quick and doesn't actually police you just timing him you're an adult making your own choices.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 28/12/2023 16:05

gannett · 28/12/2023 15:11

I've found that in recent years men have become absolutely hyper-aware of their partners walking in the dark. Probably because of the increased media coverage, not only of individual cases of women being attacked, but of the general low-key fear women experience on a daily basis. So a lot of men's protective tendencies have - very belatedly - been triggered. I suppose they think it's one of the few things they can do as individuals, too.

But they aren't "doing" anything. Except trampling all over their competent adult partners' capabilities to do their own risk assessment and make their own decision about how they get around. What feminists.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 28/12/2023 16:07

The food thing is terrible behaviour! Have you got children? Becoming overly fixated on 'healthy' food strays into orthorexia territory which is the very opposite of healthy.

Food isn't just about nutrition, it's about enjoyment, nourishment, comfort, community..

Your sister has a point and rather than be defensive you should heed her warning.

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 16:07

Yes, thank you Slyvie

DropDeadFreida · 28/12/2023 16:10

I agree @SylvieLaufeydottir - it's so easy to "care" about women's safety from your very comfortable position of not actually doing anything practical to support it. So he's just hounding his wife about taking a bus and increasing her levels of fear and paranoia and that way he can be the big man caring about his wife's safety? Do me a favour.

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 16:12

It’s so much more dangerous living with a controlling man than walking by yourself in the dark by the way. Compare the number of women killed by total strangers to the number killed by current or former partners.

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 16:12

Exactly. As women, I am sure we all know what the risks are. I would find it very patronising for a man to tell me what I already know!

Terrribletwos · 28/12/2023 16:13

And as for the food thing....you can fuck right off!

Theinnocenteyeballsinthesky · 28/12/2023 16:17

The work thing. Tbh I had never thought about it much because I enjoy the walk after being in the office all day. I think he is right about it though as it is very dark and deserted at times and includes a walk along the canal next to a lorry depot.

youre an adult OP. You can choose to walk home if you want; as you say you enjoy it. I’m sure you’re perfectly capable of risk assessing a walk & making a choice.

as for the food - he can fuck right off

SylvieLaufeydottir · 28/12/2023 16:22

I love walking. I walk all the time. If I didn't walk alone after dark I'd never go anywhere in the winter. I'm perfectly capable of deciding for myself whether I feel safe on any given walk, and also how I balance my freedom against any possible risk. I also run alone after dark, although I pick my routes. I've done this my whole life, and fuck anyone who tries to tell me not to. I've had two negative interactions with men while walking alone in 25-plus years of doing so; both took place in broad daylight in the middle of the day.

This idea that it's "sweet" and "caring" of a man to decree that he doesn't want his woman walking alone after dark, even if she's fine with it... Give me strength. It's fine for him to do though, innit, because penis, even though men are actually statistically more at risk of attack.

Purplewarrior · 28/12/2023 16:28

I think you should listen to your sister.

LordSnot · 28/12/2023 16:32

Please listen to your sister and take action about your relationship. The fact that he controls what you eat and you think that's a "small thing" is really worrying.

Brandyginger · 28/12/2023 16:33

Sounds like your sister is on to something.

no adult man should be sulking (much less all evening) because he wasn’t happy with your menu choice.

Vinrouge4 · 28/12/2023 16:34

Needsomesupport84 · 28/12/2023 15:30

Listen to your sister. The food thing is a huge red flag. Even if you wanted to eat nothing but doritos and drink coke, it's none of his business. At all. Get out because it will get worse.

This.

Baffledandalarmed · 28/12/2023 16:35

LordSnot · 28/12/2023 16:32

Please listen to your sister and take action about your relationship. The fact that he controls what you eat and you think that's a "small thing" is really worrying.

This with bells on.

No adult has a right to dictate to another adult what they eat.

I am 99% sure there are far more things he controls and you just haven't realised it, OP.

LatteLady · 28/12/2023 16:35

I think your sister has a point but I would call it coercive control rather than bullying. As one of the earlier poster's said, I suspect you already knew this as you were able to cite two topics, immediately. To make you frightened of walking home in the dark is bad form, will this make you dependent on him to pick you up, lest you get attacked, because you might like to explain to him most violence, especially rape is done by people known to the victim. As to the food, it is none of his business what you eat, the food you eat is for your pleasure.

I would go and have a conversation with your sister, thank her for pointing it out and ask her what else worries her?

mewkins · 28/12/2023 16:35

Your sister is right in calling out his behaviour. It's not normal but it seems you're so used to it that you have kind of justified it as coming from a kind place. You also mentioned that you have done things to placate him. This also really isn't how it should be.

samqueens · 28/12/2023 16:36

🚩🚩🚩 especially the food thing. Do you think so many women would find themselves in abusive relationships if the way the abuse operated was just telling someone “do this, don’t do that” from the get go?

Many, many abusive men start small and very manipulative. They will ALWAYS be able to justify what they are ‘requesting’ and make it sound like the most reasonable thing in the world (‘it’s only because I care about you/ I don’t believe people should eat meat it’s so cruel to animals/ I want to make sure you’re healthy/ I’m just asking for a small change etc etc).

Then one day you’ll find yourself broke and needing to get home from work, so you do, and when you get home and tell him he’ll lose his shit at you because “he told you not to”.

No recognition that he’s never offered to pick you up (or even refused to when you called to ask him), no recognition that part of the reason you’re broke is because of all the taxis you’ve been taking (at his request/insistence), no checking if you’re ok even - just a massive rant at YOU because HE didn’t get to be in charge.

The food thing is such a 🚩 especially if it ever comes up when you’re out of the house (ie. he is not being directly impacted).

If you want to double check whether you or your sister are right then read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (you can download on kindle/Apple Books apps). But I think she is just trying to point something out to you and, from what you’ve said, it sounds pretty valid.

PS Make sure you’re all over the contraception and do not get pregnant. This type of man often whinges if he is asked to wear a condom 🚩