Sister called DH a bully

[Winterjam]

Posting to get some hopefully non-judgemental perspective please. I met my sister yesterday and in passing she referred to my DH as a controlling bully. I asked her what she meant by that because it’s an insulting thing to say, and she just said she meant it exactly the way she said it because I always do what he wants. I felt upset because she made me feel like an idiot, and even today I still think that it was a shit thing to say.
The thing is that he has become bossier lately. It’s small things and I didn’t think about it too much, but my sister’s comment was probably aimed at these and now I am feeling unsure about them. It mainly concerns health and safety issues, and he never tries to control what I do or who I am meeting which is what I would consider controlling. I know that he loves me and that he has good intentions, and I never saw it as anything negative but the conversation yesterday made me wonder if I am naïve or if my sister is just being mean. She has been pretty negative about several things lately.

It might be uncomfortable but I think your sister has a point and also your best interests at heart.

This kind of thing tends to escalate over time.
Presumably he didn't do this kind of thing originally.... Then it was the "after dark" rules.... Then it was food rules...

What is next?

• Policing what you wear
• Deciding who you can talk to because he thinks certain friends or people (like your sister) are a "bad influence" or "bad for your marriage"
• Tracking you 24/7 via find my phone and calling to find out why you have deviated 2 mins from the route he thinks you should take home

I bet the sister could say exactly why she views OP's DH as a bully, with several examples too.

I think being concerned about your safety and not wanting you to walk alone in the dark in a secluded area is thoughtful and wise.
Telling you what to eat and sulking if you make your won choices is not on. You placating him to prevent his sulking is also not on.
I would discuss it with him and say - this behaviour is coming across as controlling and bullying and needs to stop as does your childish sulking.

It can be quite easy for relatives to see a controlling relationship and your sister will likely have wanted to say something for a long time. I also feel my BIL is quite controlling towards my sister, when I raised it she was very angry so now I don’t say anything. She’s happy and thinks they have a great relationship. You’re aware now that others feel his behaviour is controlling. Don’t let him control your actions under the guise of love or concern for your health or safety.

Even the walking thing isn’t on IMO. I could leave work at 18:00 and walk through the industrial estate and home without any impact whatsoever. The roads at 18:00 by me even in December are very busy with traffic and people leaving work, walking dogs, collecting kids from childcare etc.

if I said to DH I’m nervous about walking home at that time he would offer to collect me immediately, but otherwise it would just be “see you at 18:30” or whatever.

I think the sister sees more than than the OP is letting on.

The work thing I kind of get, walking along a tow path by a lorry park after dark sounds frankly silly to the point of dangerous.

The food thing-he’s sulked all evening? Unless you’re constantly eating pounds of lard and drinking meths (yes, I’m exaggerating) then he can stop that shit, this is extremely controlling. Sulking=controlling your behaviour so you do what he wants next time. Very typical from what I read on here. Please don’t tolerate that nonsense, your diet is not his business. Also, you should not be having to deal with this every time you eat, so a final discussion about him keeping his opinion to himself would be useful. I’m glad your dsis has voiced her concerns. Do you have dc and if so, how is he about their food?

Not wanting you to walk alone in the dark in a deserted area is just a common sense safety concern. I have two young adult daughters and I would also encourage them to take the bus. Same in other similar circumstances, most people, male or female would think it would be wise for a woman to take an bus, Uber or taxi rather than walk alone in the dark. I don't consider safety concerns controlling. Although ultimately it is up to the individual.

Sulking if you don't eat what he desires is different. Unless you were clearly putting your health at risk for some reason (which might cause him to get worried and upset) and that still doesn't warrant disrespecting someone's autonomy.

I hope you're okay @Winterjam , it's horrible when you realise your husband's behaviour is more than you suspected, as seems to be the case here. Your head will probably be all over the place.

Take your time to absorb what you're hearing, let yourself get used to it. I would recommend not saying anything to him about him being controlling. Yes, stand up for yourself (if you feel safe to do so) but don't tell him you think he's abusing you as he will quite possibly escalate; alternatively he could be on his best behaviour but that will not be geniune or last and the escalation will come later.

I'm sorry to make it sound so dramatic and I don't want to frighten you, I'm just trying to help you avoid any immediate potential problems. We're here if you need to talk about anything else you're not sure about

I think your sister has a point. The food thing is unacceptable and you should not allow him ever to dictate what you eat. It will be hard but you have to let him know that you will not accept his interference any longer. With the walk thing I think I it's a bit more grey area. I think walking with group is fine, but if you are alone and there is a bus available then it's not unreasonable to suggest that you go by bus. I know I would in that circumstance.

He is a bully

It might be something to comment on, in the sense of expressing a desire that more broccoli is consumed, cooking annd offering broccoli at some meals, and expressing their concern about the long term effects of the coke/dorrrito habit.

But it is not someone else’s decision what any adult does with their body, however self destructive or peculiar it might seem to outside eyes.

it seems to me that what @Needsomesupport84 and others are picking up on is that this appears to be a man who, while he might frame his input as motivated by concern for OP, in fact crosses a line by punishing OP (sulking) and making OP feel guilty for her choices, even when they are occasional (eating out).

This is how abusive men shift goal posts, mess with your mind, increase your levels of anxiety and self doubt and damage your well being and your life.

if that kind of mind messing abuse is what someone is experiencing, it will very quickly deplete them to the point where conquering their coke and Dorito addiction is impossible because their self esteem and self belief are plummeting.

This is the absolute opposite of supporting someone to be their best self.

If you are with someone whose coke and Dorito habit is too much for YOU to deal with then you can offer them support or offer them alternatives up to a point. But the only thing you can CONTROL is your own actions - you can leave, or you can accept what’s happening. Haranguing your partner about it will get you absolutely nowhere is absolutely a 🚩 behaviour.

I get the feeling that you KNOW he is being overbearing and your sister has brought it into the open when you are trying to hide from the truth.

I agree with many previous posts so I won’t add any more because you are probably feeling overwhelmed now @Winterjam
There have been many good questions but remember that you absolutely do not have to answer any of them if you don’t want to, so don’t let this add any stress.
I did notice that your food control (I’m sorry, that’s what it is) only started recently. Have a think if there is anything that triggered this.