Sister called DH a bully

[Winterjam]

Posting to get some hopefully non-judgemental perspective please. I met my sister yesterday and in passing she referred to my DH as a controlling bully. I asked her what she meant by that because it’s an insulting thing to say, and she just said she meant it exactly the way she said it because I always do what he wants. I felt upset because she made me feel like an idiot, and even today I still think that it was a shit thing to say.
The thing is that he has become bossier lately. It’s small things and I didn’t think about it too much, but my sister’s comment was probably aimed at these and now I am feeling unsure about them. It mainly concerns health and safety issues, and he never tries to control what I do or who I am meeting which is what I would consider controlling. I know that he loves me and that he has good intentions, and I never saw it as anything negative but the conversation yesterday made me wonder if I am naïve or if my sister is just being mean. She has been pretty negative about several things lately.

But the OP is pretty much still doing what she wants?

What are the consequences of you doing that @Winterjam ?

He sounds more like your parent than your partner

Your dsis is the eyes you should be seeing through op..

Regarding work: there is a bus that goes from my office to the train station and he wants me to take the bus instead of walking alone after dark. Normally I walk with colleagues but if I am the last one to leave the office it can be deserted and I can see his point.

It's still difficult to understand though because if you see 'his' point, is that not the same as it being your point too anyway?

If not and you'd rather walk then just do it. If he sulks or tries to stop you, then your sister is correct.

But having said that, if you weren't worried there was a modicum of truth in what your sister is saying, you'd have dismissed it immediately.

The fact you're asking strangers about it kind of tells me you also see it as a probem.

I don't think not wanting you yo walk somewhere that is dark is controlling, however the food issues I would definitely have a problem with.

She’s not though is she? At home she’s eating in the manner that he wants her to - and when she’s out for a meal and thinks “fuck it - I’ll eat what I want” he’s “being grumpy”.

I've found that in recent years men have become absolutely hyper-aware of their partners walking in the dark. Probably because of the increased media coverage, not only of individual cases of women being attacked, but of the general low-key fear women experience on a daily basis. So a lot of men's protective tendencies have - very belatedly - been triggered. I suppose they think it's one of the few things they can do as individuals, too.

The work travel thing - do you think it’s unsafe to walk to the train station alone? You are an adult and perfectly capable of making your own risk assessment- are you happy to walk to the station?

The controlling aspect is not treating you as an adult who is able to make the decision for yourself (about what risks you take or food you eat). He gets to make choices for his own body, but it reads like he also does for yours and then gets grumpy when you don’t follow his choices.

I would be more concerned if he wasn't bothered about the OP walking home in the dark. I remember years ago a man l dated a couple of times made a comment as to how it never worried him if a girlfriend was walking home in the dark and I thought how bloody selfish.
The food one however does come across as controlling. OP should be able to make her own choices without his judgment.
I think sisters can be very astute when it comes to sibling relationships.

What time do you walk home in the dark after work? Is the route well lit, avoiding alleys and parks etc?

If you're in the UK it gets dark at 4.30pm during winter - that's the afternoon. I don't see how you can avoid walking in the dark completely, even older children have to sometimes. Does he acknowledge this?

Trying to control what you order in a restaurant is obviously not on. You do seem to want to down play it though, giving reasons for him doing this that have nothing to do with you or your wellbeing.

How does he react if you refuse to follow his preferences, in terms of "being grumpy"? How long does he stay in this state, and what usually ends it?

The work thing. Tbh I had never thought about it much because I enjoy the walk after being in the office all day. I think he is right about it though as it is very dark and deserted at times and includes a walk along the canal next to a lorry depot.
The food thing has definitely cause some disageements, and I have placated him sometimes. There have been times when he sulked for the whole evening, other times he just accepts it and leaves it. If we are at invited somewhere he usually doesn't cause any fuss. I guess the food issue is probably somewhat controlling

Listen to your sister. The food thing is a huge red flag. Even if you wanted to eat nothing but doritos and drink coke, it's none of his business. At all. Get out because it will get worse.

The walking thing doesn’t sound controlling, it’s a valid concern, assuming that if you put your foot down and said that you wanted to walk he wouldn’t try and force you not to.

The good thing does sound on the edge of controlling. Fine for him to only cook what he considers healthy, not ok for him to sulk.

Remember the “reason” for controlling behaviour doesn’t determine whether or not it is controlling. The fact that he has issues around food may be a reason, but it is not an excuse.

From the little you’ve put here, it doesn’t sound malicious. I think you need to discuss with him, he needs to see the slope he’s starting to go down and address the behaviour before it’s really a problem.

I’m with your sister. He’s controlling as fuck. Who does he think he is telling you what you can and cannot eat and sulking ‘for the whole night’ when you don’t follow his rules?!

Wake up.

People also get attacked in broad daylight tell him.

The food issue sounds controlling, I can understand that he may have issues with what he eats and that's fair enough. But he shouldn't be telling you what to eat or avoid. If you fancied ordering a Chinese takeaway (for example), how would he react? Do you avoid eating certain things because you're worried about setting him off?

What exactly is the food thing? Is he veggie and doesn't like it if you eat meat?

If we are at invited somewhere he usually doesn't cause any fuss.

Yeah because he can control his anger when other people are around - absolute definition of being controlling

I imagine there are other areas where he is like this. What is he like about money @Winterjam?
Does he for example say what you should/shouldn’t be spending your money on?

I think the food thing is very controlling. The walk at night might be just ordinary concern. I do remember my husband years ago saying he'd prefer if I wasn't waiting in the railway station for a train late at night from a safety point of view.

He sulks for the whole evening...over food? Definitely controlling? Why don't you tell him it's abnormal??

I’m afraid I agree with your sister.

Its not that the fact he is worried about you walking in the dark, it’s the fact he is telling you you have to use a taxi.
Same with food. He can be as strict as he wants re food (I am too fur various reasons) but he doesn’t get to tell you what you eat - at home or when out and about.

eg I’m gluten free and dairy free. We usually cook gluten and dairy free because it’s just one lot of cooking. But no way would I tell DH that he shouldn’t add cheese to his GFpasta or that he is ‘allowed’ to have some in the house iyswim

Can you give an example of the food issues?

in my mind there’s a difference between him saying you shouldn’t have a cheese sandwich because you gave high cholesterol and him saying you shouldn’t eat steak because he thinks red meat is bad.

in either case sulking because of your choice is not on and your sister has a point. do you disagree with her, or are you embarrassed she said it?

There have been times when he sulked for the whole evening, other times he just accepts it and leaves it. If we are at invited somewhere he usually doesn't cause any fuss.

Sulking for the whole evening is controlling.
Not making a fuss when others are around is also an abuse tactic - he looks great to outsiders whilst slowly so hoping away at you and your self esteem in private.

Actually @PegasusReturns there is no difference in your examples.

Each person is allowed to make their own choices, even if those choices don’t make sense to you. You don’t get a free pass to insist that someone eats or doesn’t eat something because you think it’s best.

fwiw, if you look at research or ask nutritionist, the idea you shouldn’t eat cheese because you have some cholesterol is widely disputed.
So is the fa 5 tha5 eating red meat is good (or bad) for you.