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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what this is

145 replies

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 04:18

So my partner has a motorbike day tomorrow with friends. He's been looking forward to it, it's an early start for him so both went to bed around 10pm

Both got woken up my out teenage children just accidentally as they went to bathroom. He spoke a few words to me and about 20 mins later I asked him weather he had told kids to go to sleep.

He got in a massive hump raising his voice and told me why am I keeping him up and I'm moving around so much in my sleep.

He tells me to go to sleep on sofa, I went in lounge watched TV for an hour then went back quitely to bedroom as I'd forgotten my pillow. He wakes up as soon as I open the door. He was fuming.

He has since stormed into lounge turning lights on, took my blanket off me and out of the room
Telling me I've kept him awake and ruined his day. It's now 4am and every time I turn the light off within a minute he's back turning it on so I can't sleep. I went and got a spare blanket which he's taken too. I'm now laying here with no blanket and light on.
What is this behaviour? He can be short tempered and childish but never like this

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 30/12/2023 19:51

Yes he left, he asked if he could take a shower and I said no. He spoke to his Son briefly and left. He since called and said he was really sorry but thought I wouldn't mind as I was out. He said he will do whatever I need him to do and it that is taking his Son and going tomorrow he will do that

OP posts:

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 30/12/2023 19:54

With it being new years Tomo it's made it more difficult. The boys were looking forward to spending all together. If I tell him to take Son and go Tomo my Son will be on his own till 10 pm as I'm working then it will be just me and my Son as there is no where we can possibly go- no family near by and my friends are having 'adult' parties that my Son would definitely not want to be at!

OP posts:

yhk · 30/12/2023 20:05

Wow, this bloke is unhinged.

Him going back to your place and sleeping in bed while you were out? That shows complete disregard to your wishes.

Dotty87 · 30/12/2023 20:07

It will be hard but you can absolutely do it, while his son is in the house he can easily let his dad in.

The son is no longer your responsibility, he has a place to go so take the opportunity. Can your son have a friend round? Family?

Once he's left with his son, get the locks changed.

workshy46 · 30/12/2023 20:41

If you let him stay the night it will be another year before you can get him out again and it will be that much harder then. He is a complete nutjob and from what you have described not a onetime event. He is a perpetually bad tempered bully. Really really bad example for your son so if for nothing else that alone would be enough to get rid of him. Your son presumably has friends his own age he can hang out with until you are home.

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 30/12/2023 21:07

No unfortunately no family near by and all my Son's friends have plans. It's a bit last min to try to arrange anything. I have suggested to him today he's welcome to invite a friend, he's waiting to see.
I know not having any plans shouldn't be a factor in allowing him back for one evening it's just how rubbish and lonely it will be mainly for my Son. My ex and his Son have family nearby they can go and see. Right now boys still think everything is ok.

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Dotty87 · 30/12/2023 21:42

Lonely is far better than abusive. Your son will be safer alone than with your ex, do not let him back into the house.

frazzledasarock · 31/12/2023 08:02

Tell both boys you have broken up with your ex.

get locks changed for your flat.

your ex sounds scary. Who in their right mind would waltz back into a house they’ve been thrown out of once a relationship has ended and make themselves at home and take a nap?

personally I would help your ex’s son pack today and tell your ex to come get him so there’s no reason to continue contact with ex. But that’s your call.

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 31/12/2023 08:24

Thanks for you replies, I asked him for space. I said I don't want him at flat. I hadn't actually said we are definitely splitting up, just that I couldn't see me ever forgiving him for that night.
He said last night how sorry he was and whatever I want him to do he will do.

I think my plan is today to tell boys and ask him to come get his Son. I feel sick just thinking about it, why do I find this so hard. I feel like I'm destroying the family when I've done nothing wrong.

OP posts:

muchalover · 31/12/2023 08:38

This person subjected you to hours of abuse in order to punish you for a human event. This wasn't a single event, he kept doing it over and over. He will do this again but likely more subtly in future.

He isn't a keeper.

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 31/12/2023 08:43

Your completely right, I don't understand why I feel so bad about telling him he needs to take his Son and leave for good. Well I do I guess it's because of the boys. Will be a complete shock to them.

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 31/12/2023 08:47

Don't let him back in, if he gets a foot in the door he will try to prolong things and also both boys will be there and he may well try to manipulate them. There's obviously a reason why his mum wouldn't let him stay with her but perhaps his son could stay with her until the accommodation is ready. I would take a sick day from work if you don't want your son to be alone and then you can explain to him what's happened and spend time together.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 31/12/2023 09:12

It’s okay to be upset by the situation and feel sad. Just because something is right, doesn’t make it easy.

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 31/12/2023 09:14

Thanks I needed to hear that, it's all so sudden and surreal. You don't expect someone you've knows and been in a relationship with for years to suddenly do something like that- I'm just processing it, feels so strange like it wasn't him even though I know it was

OP posts:

NeurodivergentBurnout · 31/12/2023 09:29

Leaving a relationship is a kind of grief. You grieve the person you thought they were and the future you’d imagined with them. Especially difficult when there’s kids involved. You can do this, you have our virtual support.

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 31/12/2023 09:30

@NeurodivergentBurnout thank you x

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DRS1970 · 31/12/2023 09:55

I would have taken the bulb out... GL

JudyGemstone · 31/12/2023 11:52

It’s not just a one off though, it’s an escalation of behaviour he was already showing - stroppiness, poor impulse control, poor emotional regulation and generally being a poor me type. Not qualities you want in a partner long term.

It won’t get any better. I feel sorry for his son too but he’s not your responsibility and has other family I presume.

EverybodyLTB · 31/12/2023 14:39

It doesn’t sound like a one-off. More like it’s the first time one of his shitty behaviours has upset you to this degree. Everything else you’ve said about him makes him sound like an abusive nasty pig. Having him back so your son enjoys New Year’s Eve is just such a display of low boundaries that he’ll take as a green light to be straight back in with his feet under the table for 2024. The best thing you can do for your son right now, and your partner’s son, is to show them that it isn’t acceptable for men to abuse women.

Jamjaris · 31/12/2023 23:34

To ask if he could have a shower when you found him asleep in your bed and asked him to leave is him really testing your boundaries and taking the piss. I think you need to change your locks asap and even though you will feel awful his son needs to go too. Tell your son you ended things as he treated you badly and not to answer door to him. He is going to be hard to get rid off like a boil on the arse, you got to lance him

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