Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what this is

145 replies

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 04:18

So my partner has a motorbike day tomorrow with friends. He's been looking forward to it, it's an early start for him so both went to bed around 10pm

Both got woken up my out teenage children just accidentally as they went to bathroom. He spoke a few words to me and about 20 mins later I asked him weather he had told kids to go to sleep.

He got in a massive hump raising his voice and told me why am I keeping him up and I'm moving around so much in my sleep.

He tells me to go to sleep on sofa, I went in lounge watched TV for an hour then went back quitely to bedroom as I'd forgotten my pillow. He wakes up as soon as I open the door. He was fuming.

He has since stormed into lounge turning lights on, took my blanket off me and out of the room
Telling me I've kept him awake and ruined his day. It's now 4am and every time I turn the light off within a minute he's back turning it on so I can't sleep. I went and got a spare blanket which he's taken too. I'm now laying here with no blanket and light on.
What is this behaviour? He can be short tempered and childish but never like this

OP posts:
Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 28/12/2023 21:11

I feel sorry for his DS. Does he live with you?
Make sure your son knows it is not his fault.

My ExH once wouldn't let me sleep - it is a peculiarly nasty form of abuse.

Bananalanacake · 28/12/2023 21:14

I often say on here to give a relationship at least 5 years before moving in together, that way they are easier to get rid of if they're a twat. Sounds like you sensibly did that but he still turned out to be a twat. Well done on getting him to move out.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 21:19

Yes his Son also lives with us, so it's going to be unsettling for everyone.

OP posts:
Mrsgreen100 · 28/12/2023 21:20

Slippery slope. His behaviour will get worse kick him out now. Save yourself loads of heartbreak I’m not sounds like a complete arsehole don’t
relationship? Why would you even think of continuing relationship with this guy?

Ju1ieAndrews · 28/12/2023 21:25

Please follow through with making him leave.

He spent an entire night essentially torturing you with sleep deprivation and by causing anxiety, in your home that your DC resident in.

If you accept this behaviour (by allowing him to stay) it gives him the green light to ramp up the abuse the next time he decides you "deserve" it.

For both your sake and that of your DC, get him out ASAP.

humus · 28/12/2023 21:28

This is extremely concerning, he knew what he was doing was wrong, that’s why he took your phone. Please report this to the police it’s domestic abuse.

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 28/12/2023 21:32

He said that because I woke him up he wanted to make sure I didn't get any sleep
This is abuser code for “you made me do it”.

As someone who grew up in a household of “silent” fights I can tell you that your kids will be effected eventually, no matter how discreet you think they are. The best thing you can do for them is to make it clear you never have to tolerate abusive behaviour from a partner.

Resilience · 28/12/2023 21:33

I'm sorry this has happened to you. 💐

One of the reasons abuse is tolerated is because it doesn't happen in a vacuum. It is rare that an abuser kicks off for no reason whatsoever, certainly in the early stages of a relationship where they're still grooming the victim and testing the waters. Most abusers will find something to respond to, or create a situation where they can force something to happen they then respond to - it's where the 'look what you made me do' comes from. It's just that the response is completely disproportionate to the trigger.

In this case it's lack of sleep. Is he entitled to be pissed off because his attempt at an early night was interrupted? Yes. But the interruptions were unintentional and his reaction is massively OTT and absolutely abusive. If the situation was reversed, would you have reacted similarly? Sometimes, reversing helps to expose how outrageous someone's behaviour is a gf stops us falling for the excuses.

Preventing sleep is a pretty classic tactic from an established abuser BTW, so that's something to ponder on every time you feel yourself weaken. He's just given you a glimpse of the almost certain fact that this is NOT the first time he's been abusive even if it is the first time he's done that with you (although I suspect that if you look for red flags in your previous 6 years now this has happened, you'll see some situations in a different light).

Please keep yourself safe, seek support and good luck moving forward.

MumblesParty · 28/12/2023 21:37

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 21:00

He was fully awake when I asked him the question. Neither of us could sleep after being woken by the kids. I wouldn't have woke him up to ask him a random question. I asked him once we were woken by kids if he had told them to go to sleep when he went out to go loo. Sorry if that sounds defensive but I just wanted to clarify how it went.

Ah OK, that’s different from how I understood it

HerMammy · 28/12/2023 21:55

He has anxiety and possibly low level ADHD/autism.
Ffs do not use these as excuses!
I am beyond sick of abusive men being excused with he's got adhd/autism its insulting and ignorant.
Accept he's just an average garden variety cunt.

JudyGemstone · 28/12/2023 22:05

Sounds like he was wound up about the bike meet up and became completely dysregulated. I imagine he has poor coping skills/stress mgmt skills which you would have seen evidence of before.

the fucked up thing is he’s still blaming you! Personally I don’t think you can really feel safe with him again, he’s got some issues and needs to sort himself out. Alone.
he most likely won’t though.

OuiOuiMonAmiJeMappelleLafayette · 28/12/2023 23:17

So he tortured you, by way of depriving you of sleep. What a pathetic little arsehole he is.

Kick him out and don't let him back in.

Tittiesthattouchmytors · 28/12/2023 23:23

Well done you! Not for one moment have you suggested that he should continue to live in your house. We don’t often get that on MN.

I was with someone like your partner once- unhinged is how he used to act, going into rages about some shit or other. He never believed it was his fault. The only thing to do was cut him out of my life following a very public tantrum from him. I remember thinking to myself ‘ fucking fuck that mate’. I got straight into my car and never spoke to him, despite several attempts to reconnect. You don’t treat me like that and get a second chance.

I was sad the relationship was over for about 30 hours and never thought of it again. Sometimes, it takes that one thing to change it all.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 08:54

He does have poor stress management, he gets easily overwhelmed and angry over small things. He hasn't been here now for the night and it's been so nice. We get along so we'll and have such good laughs together but the bad stuff out weighs thr good.

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 29/12/2023 15:38

Excellent news, glad you had a peaceful night’s sleep finally 😊

Namchanged · 29/12/2023 15:43

I think he’s trying to make the point that you yourself have repeatedly disturbed his sleep

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/12/2023 15:55

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 12:28

He said that because I woke him up he wanted to make sure I didn't get any sleep. He's acknowledged it was mental. He is under stress with other areas of his life and we have been arguing a lot lately but obviously still no excuse for that behaviour. He's asked me to consider that he has never done anything like that before and says he won't again. I can't wait for him to leave. He is going somewhere for a few days till he sorts something more permanent

Hi OP, I lurk on Relationships a lot and you know what I see a lot? a common pattern with abusers that they ALL come out with

I'm so sorry
I don't know why I did that/what came over me
I'll never do anything like that again, I swear (until they do, inevitably)

I mean, leaving aside what seems to be a script they all have in common, if he doesn't know why he did it how does he know he'll never do it again?

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 18:02

Yes I said that to him today. He said won't ever do anything like that again and if he does he would himself leave the relationship. I think it's over for me, it's really hard as kids involved but I don't think I can ever look at him the same

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 29/12/2023 18:16

Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 18:02

Yes I said that to him today. He said won't ever do anything like that again and if he does he would himself leave the relationship. I think it's over for me, it's really hard as kids involved but I don't think I can ever look at him the same

you're absolutely right, and his "id leave the relationship" is clearly a manipulation tactic as he has already attempted to justify this insane behaviour

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 18:35

It's really awkward as his Son is here still (14yrs) neither him nor my Son know what's happening. My partner has asked if he can come back for a week just till he gets motorhome sorted that he's going to move into. I'm not sure what to do, I really don't want him back. I'm not scared or worried but I just don't want to be near him and have to try to act normal. Need to tell my Son really but really don't know how to handle it, what to say ect

OP posts:
HerMammy · 29/12/2023 19:22

Do not let him back in, you sound in many of your posts as if you're believing his excuses.
I'd let his son stay with a deadline.

Dotty87 · 29/12/2023 19:30

He needs to make his own arrangements for accommodation for himself and his son, it's his responsibility. Do not waver and let him back in or he'll be harder to shift than bed bugs.

Where is he staying now, can the son join him? Can he get them an air bnb or hotel?

It may be awkward, but that's no reason to allow him back under your roof.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 19:31

I don't think there are any excuses that makes what he did even remotely justified. I guess I'm just struggling to navigate this situation now. I never saw this coming. My Son in particular will have a lot of questions as it's going to come as a big shock that he's suddenly moved out. In this last year we have formed a kind of family with my Son and his and now it's very quickly going to change. I just want to handle it the right way for the boys.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 19:34

He is sleeping in his van at the moment so his Son can't join him there. He has said he's asked his Mum and sister they both said no to him staying but says his Son could if there was no other options. His Dad has offered him the motorhome but it's not ready to be lived in just yet.

OP posts:
Dotty87 · 29/12/2023 19:39

Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 19:34

He is sleeping in his van at the moment so his Son can't join him there. He has said he's asked his Mum and sister they both said no to him staying but says his Son could if there was no other options. His Dad has offered him the motorhome but it's not ready to be lived in just yet.

Ahh I see, sorry if I missed that point earlier.

If his parents will have his son, just not him, I'd go with that option. They're his family and will help you make a clean break.

It's interesting that they won't let your ex stay with them.