Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what this is

145 replies

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 04:18

So my partner has a motorbike day tomorrow with friends. He's been looking forward to it, it's an early start for him so both went to bed around 10pm

Both got woken up my out teenage children just accidentally as they went to bathroom. He spoke a few words to me and about 20 mins later I asked him weather he had told kids to go to sleep.

He got in a massive hump raising his voice and told me why am I keeping him up and I'm moving around so much in my sleep.

He tells me to go to sleep on sofa, I went in lounge watched TV for an hour then went back quitely to bedroom as I'd forgotten my pillow. He wakes up as soon as I open the door. He was fuming.

He has since stormed into lounge turning lights on, took my blanket off me and out of the room
Telling me I've kept him awake and ruined his day. It's now 4am and every time I turn the light off within a minute he's back turning it on so I can't sleep. I went and got a spare blanket which he's taken too. I'm now laying here with no blanket and light on.
What is this behaviour? He can be short tempered and childish but never like this

OP posts:
Dotty87 · 29/12/2023 19:41

Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 19:31

I don't think there are any excuses that makes what he did even remotely justified. I guess I'm just struggling to navigate this situation now. I never saw this coming. My Son in particular will have a lot of questions as it's going to come as a big shock that he's suddenly moved out. In this last year we have formed a kind of family with my Son and his and now it's very quickly going to change. I just want to handle it the right way for the boys.

Of course your son will ask questions, once it's just the two of you it will be less awkward to discuss. The sooner you make this happen the better.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 19:43

Yes I know I was thinking the same thing. I know they don't have best relationship but not letting him stay temporarily seems harsh or maybe a reflection on what they think of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 19:45

I just don't know what to say to my Son's question. How do you explain that kind of abuse without going into detail. My Son is 15
He also thinks my partner is a top guy, really looks up to him.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 29/12/2023 19:52

you may need to tell him the truth - that sometimes people who otherwise seem like a "top guy" act in ways that are not acceptable and that sometimes this 1% of time when person does something awful outweighs 99% when they're great to be around

you saw this man be nasty to his son, you saw him get nasty and moody and now he escalated his behaviour to abuse you for a ridiculous crime of waking him up

you cannot wait and allow things to escalate further - especially because of your son. You can explain all that to him, he is old enough to face it

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 29/12/2023 19:53

Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 19:34

He is sleeping in his van at the moment so his Son can't join him there. He has said he's asked his Mum and sister they both said no to him staying but says his Son could if there was no other options. His Dad has offered him the motorhome but it's not ready to be lived in just yet.

Well this speaks volumes. His own mother and his own sister refuse to let him stay there. They know him, op.

He's never directed his anger towards me. I know his Son has been at the recieving end of it before. He gets the hump very easily day to day
He is clearly not a nice person.

Dotty87 · 29/12/2023 20:02

Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 19:43

Yes I know I was thinking the same thing. I know they don't have best relationship but not letting him stay temporarily seems harsh or maybe a reflection on what they think of him.

So they'd rather see their own son sleep in a van than allow him under their roof?

I'm not sure what my DC would have to have done to make me feel that way TBH.

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2023 20:02

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 29/12/2023 19:53

Well this speaks volumes. His own mother and his own sister refuse to let him stay there. They know him, op.

He's never directed his anger towards me. I know his Son has been at the recieving end of it before. He gets the hump very easily day to day
He is clearly not a nice person.

Show quote history

Says it all, really, doesn’t it? I wouldn’t let him back in and I’m afraid I’d be asking the grandparent to take his son, it’s best long term.

redastherose · 29/12/2023 20:16

Your son is 15, you should be honest with him and tell him what happened and that due to this abusive behaviour you are no longer in a relationship. A 15 year old is able to understand that this is entirely unacceptable behaviour. Tbh I sincerely doubt that your son didn't hear some of what was going on and that would have been unsettling for him so an honest conversation is needed.

Bobbotgegrinch · 29/12/2023 22:03

Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 19:45

I just don't know what to say to my Son's question. How do you explain that kind of abuse without going into detail. My Son is 15
He also thinks my partner is a top guy, really looks up to him.

He's 15, you're better off giving the detail. He'll have probably heard at least some of went on, and he'll be less confused and more understanding of why his family life has changed if you just tell him the truth.

category12 · 29/12/2023 22:25

Rainorshine09 · 29/12/2023 18:35

It's really awkward as his Son is here still (14yrs) neither him nor my Son know what's happening. My partner has asked if he can come back for a week just till he gets motorhome sorted that he's going to move into. I'm not sure what to do, I really don't want him back. I'm not scared or worried but I just don't want to be near him and have to try to act normal. Need to tell my Son really but really don't know how to handle it, what to say ect

Strongly advise you not to let him back into the house.

If his family won't have him, there's a bloody good reason for it, and you may have the devil's own job getting him out again. (He may also be lying to try to get your sympathies). Plus he'll work on you to convince you it wasn't that bad, and you should give him another chance, and emotionally blackmail you.

Jamjaris · 29/12/2023 22:35

You have lived together a year and his mask is slipping, you are starting to see the real him. He’s blaming it onto stress in other parts of his life etc to make you feel sorry for him, you spoke to him in the night after being woken up and you moved in your sleep so he spent the rest of the night punishing you! Get him out of your flat and protect your children before he gets worse.

OneLollipop · 30/12/2023 07:26

He gets the hump very easily day to day but is more just moody not nasty.

One year into living together he's feeling comfortable enough to escalate his emotional abuse. It'll only keep getting worse if you let him back in or continue the relationship.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 30/12/2023 13:42

The absolute disrespect- I spoke to him last night and said I don't think I could ever forgive him for his behaviour. He says how sorry he was etc. This morning he rings and asked where I was, I replied out with a friend having coffee. He then messages me to say he's gone back to flat as he for soaking wet on a bike ride and wanted to warm up, have a bath etc. I called and said said I was not happy at all that he had done this and went against my wishes of some space
I've just got home an hour or so later and hes in bed asleep! Just told him to get out

OP posts:
SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/12/2023 14:03

Rainorshine09 · 30/12/2023 13:42

The absolute disrespect- I spoke to him last night and said I don't think I could ever forgive him for his behaviour. He says how sorry he was etc. This morning he rings and asked where I was, I replied out with a friend having coffee. He then messages me to say he's gone back to flat as he for soaking wet on a bike ride and wanted to warm up, have a bath etc. I called and said said I was not happy at all that he had done this and went against my wishes of some space
I've just got home an hour or so later and hes in bed asleep! Just told him to get out

Edited

He has absolutely no respect for you. Stop being wishy washy and asking for space. End it:

Blubbled · 30/12/2023 14:05

You'll have to either get the flat keys back off him or change the locks OP because if, after all that, he's got the thundering cheek to get into your bed and fall asleep, you've got a bit of a "cuckoo in the nest" situation and you need to put a stop to that once and for all!
Where he goes is not your problem and his son can go to the grandmother's so that's that! You're not married, so unless his name's on the deeds/tenancy agreement, which is seems not to be from what you've said, he has not right to be in your flat now and if he won't leave, you can get the police involved! What he did does count as abuse and apparently, deliberate sleep deprivation is recognised by the WHO as a form of torture, or so I have been told. I had an ex who used to deliberatly keep me from going to sleep, and it really did grind me down. I know it was deliberate because he'd growl "I've got time on my side!" because he worked permanent late shifts and I was up early every morning! It was absolute Hell for me and I couldn't think straight or function properly because of it, which was why he did it I suspect. It certainly stopped me from seeing a way out of the relationship for a long while. I would imagine that sort of abuse would come under the new coercive control laws now, so you'd likely have that on your side!
Anyway, the best of luck OP, don't listen to his fake apologies or excuses! There is no excuse for what he did, it was wilful, calculated vindictiveness, which he clearly thinks you'll forgive and forget seeing as he's been brazen enough to fall asleep in YOUR bed!! Have a wonderful 2024 without him and his nasty, abusive, moody BS!

category12 · 30/12/2023 14:06

Rainorshine09 · 30/12/2023 13:42

The absolute disrespect- I spoke to him last night and said I don't think I could ever forgive him for his behaviour. He says how sorry he was etc. This morning he rings and asked where I was, I replied out with a friend having coffee. He then messages me to say he's gone back to flat as he for soaking wet on a bike ride and wanted to warm up, have a bath etc. I called and said said I was not happy at all that he had done this and went against my wishes of some space
I've just got home an hour or so later and hes in bed asleep! Just told him to get out

Edited

He's taking the piss.

Olika · 30/12/2023 14:12

WTF take the key off him. Tell him not to show up until it's about him taking his stuff out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/12/2023 14:13

"The reason I'm giving the relationship going forward some thought is we have been together a long time 6 years ( only living together for a year though)".

Your above thinking is the sunk costs fallacy and it causes people to make poor relationship decisions.

People get bogged down by focusing on their sunk costs.
There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Do not let this man be in your lives another minute because he is absolutely taking you for a fool here. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

TwilightSkies · 30/12/2023 14:14

Just tell your son the truth! And by you ending the relationship, you are teaching your son not to accept abusive behaviour.
I don’t think teenagers need to be shielded from truth in situations like this.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/12/2023 14:21

Indeed tell your son age appropriate truth about this man you allowed into his life. Teach your son that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. He deserves that much at least from you and he has also likely heard and seen far more than you perhaps realise.

Enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme going forward and do not enter into a relationship until your boundaries are a lot higher than they are currently.

If he refuses to leave involve the police.

Farwell · 30/12/2023 14:34

Your son is old enough to understand that he was abusive. And that once is once too many times.

I hope he is now gone. He couldn't even manage your request for space. If you don't end it, the behaviour will be repeated. And he will know he got away with it once, and can do so again.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/12/2023 14:35

he'll be harder to shift than bed bugs.

Def stealing that. 😆

lto2019 · 30/12/2023 18:44

Wow - talk about cheeky bastard. You need to change the locks - I would not trust him to have not made copies of the keys even if he returned them. It is expensive but is an investment in your safety, privacy and future.

I would be as honest as you can with your son (without traumatising him) You may find that he has picked up more than you think.

Letting himself in and going to bed shows his 'apology' was totally insincere.

Dotty87 · 30/12/2023 18:53

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 30/12/2023 14:35

he'll be harder to shift than bed bugs.

Def stealing that. 😆

Thank you Wink

You need to have the locks changed, cheeky fucker could easily have made keys.

And don't tell him it's space, it's over and he's not welcome.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 30/12/2023 19:26

you've got a bit of a "cuckoo in the nest" situation and you need to put a stop to that once and for all!
This op.

has he left?