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Original poster

Not sure what this is

145 replies

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 04:18

So my partner has a motorbike day tomorrow with friends. He's been looking forward to it, it's an early start for him so both went to bed around 10pm

Both got woken up my out teenage children just accidentally as they went to bathroom. He spoke a few words to me and about 20 mins later I asked him weather he had told kids to go to sleep.

He got in a massive hump raising his voice and told me why am I keeping him up and I'm moving around so much in my sleep.

He tells me to go to sleep on sofa, I went in lounge watched TV for an hour then went back quitely to bedroom as I'd forgotten my pillow. He wakes up as soon as I open the door. He was fuming.

He has since stormed into lounge turning lights on, took my blanket off me and out of the room
Telling me I've kept him awake and ruined his day. It's now 4am and every time I turn the light off within a minute he's back turning it on so I can't sleep. I went and got a spare blanket which he's taken too. I'm now laying here with no blanket and light on.
What is this behaviour? He can be short tempered and childish but never like this

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 28/12/2023 10:15

So you went on the sofa like he said (not that you should have to!) and he still carried on? He's a twat.

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2023 10:17

Bloody hell, he's unhinged!!! Having a little grumble about being kept awake is one thing but to tell you to sleep on the sofa in YOUR OWN flat and then to keep taking your blanket etc?!! I'd be kicking him out for sure!

Ragwort · 28/12/2023 10:22

Why on earth would you want to continue a relationship with a man who treated you like this? Shock
Are you that desperate for a man sex, where is your self respect?
You've got teenage DC .. what sort of relationship model are you showing them?

Dotty87 · 28/12/2023 10:22

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 09:56

I've told him to leave this morning. He is very sorry. Obviously doesn't change anything. Is it excusable if someone has never acted this way before? It's my flat and he is moving out but I'm thinking of our relationship going forward. I definitely don't want him to live here but as for the relationship I don't know

It's not excusable at all, no. It's the first time, if you stay with him it won't be the only time and will get progressively worse. The only way you can guarantee it will be the only time is to follow through and get him out.

PaminaMozart · 28/12/2023 10:28

If you continue the relationship, bear in mind that he would now be aware of how much cr@p you'd be prepared to put up with. Chances are he would ramp up the abuse. Because this is what last night's behaviour amounts to: abuse.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 10:29

If this had happened at the start of a relationship it would be right move on next. No doubt. The reason I'm giving the relationship going forward some thought is we have been together a long time 6 years ( only living together for a year though)

But I am really struggling to know how you forgive something so mental? Weather totally out of character or not he still did it

To the lady asking yes he did try to explain saying I spoke to him and kept kept moving walking in and out of room etc keeping him up. He had been up since 5 am and was extremely over tired. Plus he was agitated as knew he wouldn't be able to do his bike day with the little sleep he had. None of which excuses any of it

I wonder if someone normal can just go mad
He has anxiety and possibly low level ADHD/autism. Never affected his life and had normal job etc. Doesn't have any friends though.

OP posts:
Whatineed · 28/12/2023 10:32

Please don't make excuses for him in the light of day. If he's said sorry he knows it was because his behaviour was completely out of order.

He'd have gotten plenty of bloody sleep if he hadnt kept getting up and pulling off blankets, turning lights and tv on and causing a bloody fracas. That behaviour is verging on psychotic.

Chuck him out for the safety of your family and your own mental health. And go back to your own peaceful bed.

justcantgetenough · 28/12/2023 10:35

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 10:29

If this had happened at the start of a relationship it would be right move on next. No doubt. The reason I'm giving the relationship going forward some thought is we have been together a long time 6 years ( only living together for a year though)

But I am really struggling to know how you forgive something so mental? Weather totally out of character or not he still did it

To the lady asking yes he did try to explain saying I spoke to him and kept kept moving walking in and out of room etc keeping him up. He had been up since 5 am and was extremely over tired. Plus he was agitated as knew he wouldn't be able to do his bike day with the little sleep he had. None of which excuses any of it

I wonder if someone normal can just go mad
He has anxiety and possibly low level ADHD/autism. Never affected his life and had normal job etc. Doesn't have any friends though.

He doesn't have any friends? But your post is about a motorbike day with friends?

If he's anxious and don't have friends but going to a meet up, he was probably very anxious and nervous and reacted this way.

Silverbirchtwo · 28/12/2023 10:36

Not sure I would have been able to keep my cool, particularly since it's your house! Never let him back in, if he can do that for no reason, how could you ever trust him (or know what really bad things he might do) if there was something for him to really get upset about?

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 10:42

He's trying to make new friends through this biking group.

OP posts:
DuckyShincracker · 28/12/2023 10:43

This is abuse. Read that again. Take some breaths and call women's aid to talk to someone as you need some help to get perspective on this.

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/12/2023 10:44

I can't believe you're even considering forgiving him for this!

What he did is utterly beyond the realms of normal behaviour. If you forgive him then he'll just see that as a green light to escalate in future.

LordBummenbachsMagnificentBalls · 28/12/2023 10:48

I can see why he has no friends to be honest.

Please consider that accepting his behaviour communicates to him that you will continue to accept his behaviour. It may have been 6 years coming but abuse has to start somewhere. His actions were seriously messed up and bizarre, and if he was willing to abuse you over a sustained period of time for something so minor then any escalation is likely to be extreme

MonsteraMama · 28/12/2023 10:52

My great grandfather was a POW at Changi during WW2. I was left his war diaries when he passed. One of the things they used to do to torture them was loudly and continuously prevent them from sleeping.

Just... Think on that for a second. You are considering forgiving a man who quite literally was willing to torture you because he was annoyed with you. Please, please don't. It doesn't matter if you've been together 5 minutes or 50 years, there is some behaviour you just don't come back from. Ever.

Olika · 28/12/2023 11:09

To answer your question about continuing with the relationship though not living together... Absolutely NOT! What he did was absolutely unacceptable and weird. It starts with this and next time it's something worse. Don't put yourself into that situation but leave him for good.

FinallyHere · 28/12/2023 11:20

This is absolutely unacceptable, inexcusable behaviour. I was actually relieved when I read that you have recognised this and asked him to leave.

Please don't wobble and wonder whether you are not giving him a fair chance.

Maya Angelou words are relevant here. 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

If you do make excuses for him, you are simply demonstrating that you are prepared to allow him to behave like that. Don't live your life waiting for the next time he allows this side of him to show.

Anyone can be pleasant when they are not under pressure. How someone behaves under pressure shows you their real self. This is how he is. Sorry, but best you know it.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 28/12/2023 11:34

Read about ‘Sunk costs fallacy’. You’ve said yourself if this had happened early on you’d have walked. There’s a reason abusive men hide their nasty side early on. You now feel ‘invested’ in the relationship. You believed the ‘nice guy’ act but occasionally it’s slipped and you know he has a temper. Now he lives with you and the mask is slipping. This is who he is. The nasty, abusive man who told you to sleep on the sofa in your own home because you disturbed him and then came and took your blanket and repeatedly turned the light on when you tried to sleep, who tried to get your phone off you! If it’s your flat I would seriously just pack up his stuff and tell him to leave. There’s no coming back from this. You can’t have any kind of relationship with a man like this.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 28/12/2023 11:37

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 09:56

I've told him to leave this morning. He is very sorry. Obviously doesn't change anything. Is it excusable if someone has never acted this way before? It's my flat and he is moving out but I'm thinking of our relationship going forward. I definitely don't want him to live here but as for the relationship I don't know

Nope, not excusable. It will only escalate, and tbh this morning's behaviour was pretty extreme so I hate to think what it could escalate TO.

Dotty87 · 28/12/2023 11:39

NeurodivergentBurnout · 28/12/2023 11:34

Read about ‘Sunk costs fallacy’. You’ve said yourself if this had happened early on you’d have walked. There’s a reason abusive men hide their nasty side early on. You now feel ‘invested’ in the relationship. You believed the ‘nice guy’ act but occasionally it’s slipped and you know he has a temper. Now he lives with you and the mask is slipping. This is who he is. The nasty, abusive man who told you to sleep on the sofa in your own home because you disturbed him and then came and took your blanket and repeatedly turned the light on when you tried to sleep, who tried to get your phone off you! If it’s your flat I would seriously just pack up his stuff and tell him to leave. There’s no coming back from this. You can’t have any kind of relationship with a man like this.

This, 100%.

For a first instance, it's incredibly extreme. Next time god knows what he'll do to you.

UnpropitiousNightmares · 28/12/2023 11:39

It's abusive behaviour.

I don't know you, your husband or what home life is like for you so all I'm not going to tell you to leave him.

What I will say though is this:
Always choose you, and stay safe by setting a zero tolerance for abuse.

Ormside · 28/12/2023 11:43

Good for you for maintaining strong boundaries and gettingshot of him, although I wouldn't have moved from the bed and would've booted him that night.

PaintedEgg · 28/12/2023 12:09

serious question - is he using any sort of drugs? Because that behaviour is unhinged - if he was concerned about being tired then why the hell did he keep running back and forth harassing you? Why did he think he could take your phone?

None of it is normal, not even if he had ADHD or autism. He has serious anger issues and was deliberately taking it all out on you because you woke him up by accident? and he sent you to sleep on the sofa in your own home!

im not surprised this dickhead has no friends

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 12:28

He said that because I woke him up he wanted to make sure I didn't get any sleep. He's acknowledged it was mental. He is under stress with other areas of his life and we have been arguing a lot lately but obviously still no excuse for that behaviour. He's asked me to consider that he has never done anything like that before and says he won't again. I can't wait for him to leave. He is going somewhere for a few days till he sorts something more permanent

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 28/12/2023 12:37

The thing is that he could have just put on earplugs and a sleep mask if he was having trouble sleeping, but for some reason he’s instead made it your responsibility to provide him with a silent sleeping chamber even though he moved in with you and your kids in a flat.

I am so glad he’s leaving willingly.

But I was wondering it this was part of a pattern of escalating abuse because you did say he had a history of anger issues and acting childish. So he possibly has done similar before but not to this scale?

rainbowstardrops · 28/12/2023 12:46

He said that because I woke him up he wanted to make sure I didn't get any sleep.

That's mental! If he'd bloody turned over and shut his eyes when he turfed you wrongly off to the sofa, instead of continuously getting up to take your blanket/put the light on etc, he'd have bloody got some sleep! It's up to you if you want to continue the relationship but I certainly wouldn't be sharing a flat with him.