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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure what this is

145 replies

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 04:18

So my partner has a motorbike day tomorrow with friends. He's been looking forward to it, it's an early start for him so both went to bed around 10pm

Both got woken up my out teenage children just accidentally as they went to bathroom. He spoke a few words to me and about 20 mins later I asked him weather he had told kids to go to sleep.

He got in a massive hump raising his voice and told me why am I keeping him up and I'm moving around so much in my sleep.

He tells me to go to sleep on sofa, I went in lounge watched TV for an hour then went back quitely to bedroom as I'd forgotten my pillow. He wakes up as soon as I open the door. He was fuming.

He has since stormed into lounge turning lights on, took my blanket off me and out of the room
Telling me I've kept him awake and ruined his day. It's now 4am and every time I turn the light off within a minute he's back turning it on so I can't sleep. I went and got a spare blanket which he's taken too. I'm now laying here with no blanket and light on.
What is this behaviour? He can be short tempered and childish but never like this

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 13:33

He's never directed his anger towards me. I know his Son has been at the recieving end of it before. He gets the hump very easily day to day but is more just moody not nasty. Either way it's so far from normal he has to go.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 28/12/2023 13:46

Abusive men escalate. Now that he's tortured you once, he will keep doing it. Don't be so desperate for a man that you accept being thrown out of YOUR bed, in YOUR house and tortured all night long because somebody woke him up. That is straight up crazy.

Hastheslotharrivedyet · 28/12/2023 14:13

My DH used to behave exactly like this when he’d been drinking. I know the light bulb routine very well. Behaved like a pig. He’s been sober 21 years now. Never done it since. No way would we have still been together if that had carried on and he knew it

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 14:48

I wish he had been drinking in a way. I would be able to make some sense of it

OP posts:
Christmasmug · 28/12/2023 15:12

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 12:28

He said that because I woke him up he wanted to make sure I didn't get any sleep. He's acknowledged it was mental. He is under stress with other areas of his life and we have been arguing a lot lately but obviously still no excuse for that behaviour. He's asked me to consider that he has never done anything like that before and says he won't again. I can't wait for him to leave. He is going somewhere for a few days till he sorts something more permanent

The problem with trying to continue a relationship after this kind of abusive event is that it effectively gives a green light for it to happen again. He will promise it won't, he may even believe himself that he can make sure it doesn't, but the next time he's 'stressed' how will he control it when he couldn't this time? He acknowledges it was 'mental' but what will/can he do to ensure he doesn't go 'mental' again? The reality is that he can't be sure he won't react the same way in the future and, by staying with him, you are giving a clear signal that he can behave this way and you still won't leave him so why wouldn't he do it again?

I know it's hard OP but he's broken what you had beyond repair, don't waste your time trying to fix it only for him to smash it to pieces again the next time you do something to piss him off. He either lost control (in which case what's to stop him doing so again) or he was being deliberately abusive, either way you can't risk believing him when he says it won't happen again.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 16:08

I don't think I can forgive. It feels a bit unfair to end a long term relationship over one incident but when it's something as unbelievable as this was it's hard to know how to 'get over it'

I also find it very difficult to forgive that the kids were in the room next door. Weather they were awake or not neither of us know.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 28/12/2023 16:50

@Rainorshine09 it is very fair, most abuse escalates, it never starts off this way

think this way - have you ever been so angry that for hours on end you kept your self up just to be nasty and steal someone's blanket and phone? just so that they wouldn't get any sleep? it should absolutely take one incident of angry, mad behaviour to end the relationship

also - his poor son!

Christmasmug · 28/12/2023 17:11

It's not just one incident, it's what that one incident opens the door for going forward. If you stay after what he did, somewhere in the back of his mind that tells him it was ok, or at least that you won't leave because of it, it's a literal green light to do it again. And it will change the way you feel about him too, it might not be apparent right now because there will be lots of other emotions flying around but someone treating you with that degree of cruelty can't fail to affect the love and trust you have for that person.

So, at best, you're going to have a damaged, uneasy feeling relationship which you'll work hard to rebuild (while he likely does nothing towards rebuilding your trust) until you're utterly exhausted with it and have to try to extricate yourself feeling much less strong and determined than you do right now. Honestly OP save yourself the hassle and walk away now, what happened is 100% enough to leave even the longest of relationships Flowers

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/12/2023 17:25

It's the vindictiveness of it that would get to me.

Anyone can get angry over something daft some times, say something hurtful or mean in anger.

But he didn't do that, he wanted you to suffer. He wanted revenge. If he was getting enough sleep, then you weren't either. That's not just getting annoyed, it's taking pleasure in hurting the person you supposedly love.

category12 · 28/12/2023 17:36

Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 16:08

I don't think I can forgive. It feels a bit unfair to end a long term relationship over one incident but when it's something as unbelievable as this was it's hard to know how to 'get over it'

I also find it very difficult to forgive that the kids were in the room next door. Weather they were awake or not neither of us know.

It wasn't a single incident though. A single incident would be perhaps snapping "oh ffs go and sleep somewhere else, you're keeping me awake" the end. Instead it was a drawn out night of emotional terrorism and sleep deprivation.

Plus all the "moods" and "anger issues" you have to navigate with him the rest of the time.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 17:44

Yes exactly what I've been thinking. If he lost it and smashed something up or said some really nasty stuff I could understand. I've lost my temper before and said horrible things
But it was the duration of it, at one point I kept the light on for a good 20 mins and the min I switched it off he stopped straight in and turned it off. Then we went in a cycle of turning me turning off and him turning on.. utterly ridiculous.

I forget to say at the end of the saga he walked and threw my blanket back on me, just felt like more of an insult at that point.

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 28/12/2023 18:15

Yes, how generous of your torturer, allowing you to have your blanket back in your flat 😒

As others have said don’t feel guilty at all for ending it over this. You will never be able to feel safe and relaxed in his presence from now on. Never mind loved or protected!

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 19:46

I don't want to tell my Son what has happened but don't know how to explain the fact that one min he's here were all having dinner and all is fine and the next day he's moving out

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 19:46

He is great with my Son and my Son really likes him.

OP posts:
craigth162 · 28/12/2023 19:51

Tell your son the truth. And dont let an abusive dangerous man back in. What happens if its one of the kids annoys him next time?

Ihaveated · 28/12/2023 20:02

Things like this happened to me with my ex husband. He once sat by the fuse box flicking it on and off as he knew I was scared in our old house in the dark. It didn't get better. It's now 5 years since our relationship ended and I can now look back and see how abusive his behaviours were. I also now know the impact they were having on my kids too. I absolutely think this is enough to signal the end of the relationship.

PaintedEgg · 28/12/2023 20:03

this will be also an important life lesson for your son - actions have consequences and some of those are irreversible and life changing. It will be a good thing for him to learn that even "that only time" you mistreat someone can lead to them kicking you out of their lives AND that it is ok to not forgive unforgivable behaviour

Vegandiva · 28/12/2023 20:14

Do you really think your son slept right through it all? He probably already has a good idea about what happened.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 20:19

He may have heard lights being turned on and the windows opening and the curtains as the rail is metal and loud but he wouldn't have know what was actually happening

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Vegandiva · 28/12/2023 20:30

Oh so it was a silent fight? I would just tell him in general terms then that x has done something that has made you uncomfortable with having him in your home any longer so he is moving out.

Redhothoochycoocher · 28/12/2023 20:33

I saw a video recently of Carol Vordeman explaining her idea 'circle of acceptable behaviour'. Essentially we all have behaviours that are acceptable and unacceptable to us. If we let someone bring an unacceptable behaviour into our circle of acceptable behaviour, it makes it easier for more unacceptable behaviours to be brought in. She explains it much better. Google Carol Vordeman Circle of acceptable behaviour, it's a clip of her in the I'm a celebrity jungle.

Anyway, change your locks and tell your son what happened. I'm sorry you had to deal with that and hope you're ok.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 20:40

Thanks, it was vocally silent as I wouldn't respond to him at all and he was being quiet when he was having a go. But he was making noise stomping around and with all the switching lights and opening windows etc there was noise.

I will look up the circle of acceptable behaviour, thank you. I'm ok just still really quite shocked. You think you know someone.

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lto2019 · 28/12/2023 20:50

It might have been the first time he did something like this ,but it certainly will not be the last with you if you stay with him. It might be the first time but it is an extreme behaviour - you staying with him essentially says you accept this treatment. Having no friends. ADHD or anything else is not an excuse for abuse,

MumblesParty · 28/12/2023 20:56

What he did was completely outrageous and not normal. But I can see why he was wound up in the first place. It would have been annoying to be woken by the kids, and then just as he was drifting back off to sleep , 20 minutes later, you asked him a random question. None of that justifies his insane behaviour, but in his place I would have been pissed off if I was desperate to sleep because of a big occasion the following day.

Original poster
Rainorshine09 · 28/12/2023 21:00

He was fully awake when I asked him the question. Neither of us could sleep after being woken by the kids. I wouldn't have woke him up to ask him a random question. I asked him once we were woken by kids if he had told them to go to sleep when he went out to go loo. Sorry if that sounds defensive but I just wanted to clarify how it went.

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