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Original poster

Did I overreact by cancelling this Xmas date?

120 replies

WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:32

Hi all,

Just wanted some advice. I've been out of the dating game for quite some time and really don't know if I am overreacting!

I am 31 years old, first time using dating apps.

I arranged to go on a date with a guy from Tinder on 29th December.

We had been chatting on Tinder for a while and then exchanged numbers. My WhatsApp profile photo can only be seen by my contacts due to privacy settings. When he whatsapped me, I saved his number.

My what's app photo is me on holiday in a bikini but it is not in the slightest a raunchy photo, (I'm sitting down, so no bum hanging out and no visible cleavage etc)

Also, I actually showed my elderly grandmother the photo when showing her my holiday snaps, so it's pretty PG.

Anyway this guy said to me 'well you can't be all innocent with a photo like that, you look amazing btw'

I said it's just a holiday photo etc, and he said 'so you are telling me you are innocent then'

I asked him what he meant and he said he is trying to draw out a response from me etc

I said thanks for saving me the bother and showing me what you are looking for, I don't do casual etc and he said ' I wasn't suggesting casual' and that he is looking to date etc.

So I did agree initially to go on a date on 29th Dec, but what he has said has irritated me a bit. Why even ask am I innocent etc?

I have been thinking about it and Due to that comment I have now cancelled that date, I am genuinely going out with friends now instead and told him I'm going out now.

He has asked for another date though and I'm not sure what to do.

I've been out of the game for a while, never done OLD before. The last person I dated was introduced to me by a friend. I'm just wondering am I being hyper vigilant / too sensitive and looking for problems were there aren't any.

Advice much appreciated on a slightly hungover Boxing Day!

OP posts:
IsntItIronicDontchaThink · 26/12/2023 13:37

Always go with your gut on OLD. Yes, his chat does seem borderline sleazy and if it gave you the ick now you've done yourself a favour by calling a halt now.
Spoiler alert - and yes it's a bit of a sweeping generalisation - but sleazy chat comes with the territory from a lot of men on OLD. The good guys are there amongst it all though, so I hope it doesn't take you long to find one.

Holidayhell22 · 26/12/2023 13:38

No you have made the right decision. Unless of course you want to date a misogynistic bastard.
By dating you are not innocent that means you are guilty. Guilty of what exactly?
If you do feel like giving him a reason then ask him exactly what in his expert opinion you are guilty if. Let him give you an answer.
Lets face it, any answer he gives will be utter bollocks.
Fir the record, not all men on dating sites are like this.

heartbroken40 · 26/12/2023 13:39

Block and delete. He's labelled you as "easy" in his mind so not serious girlfriend material. Good way to sort the wheat from the chaff but do you have work colleagues on WhatsApp?

Holidayhell22 · 26/12/2023 13:39

Hell I’m on my phone sorry for the typos.

Paperbagsaremine · 26/12/2023 13:40

You're looking for someone who delights you, not irritates you! He's flunked that test already.

NEXT!!

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:41

@Holidayhell22 - I think he is asking if I'm innocent sexually, and yes I asked him before to explain and he said I am 'overthinking' so yea it's just bothered me but I can be a little prudish and uptight lol

OP posts:
SamW98 · 26/12/2023 13:42

You’ve done right thing OP. I’ve found with men on OLD that the ones who turn the chat even slightly sexual very quickly are showing exactly what they’re after - usually no strings sex.

The best advice with OLD is keep your boundaries- if it feels wrong, it almost certainly is.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:42

@heartbroken40 - I don't know why he has labelled me as easy/non-gf material. And my work colleagues are all female, it's just 5 of us ladies and that's it, so no male colleagues to see my what's app photo no lol

OP posts:
Aylestone · 26/12/2023 13:43

This sounds like hard work. Tbh I’d probably judge someone who out of all the profile pictures they could have put up, decided to use one of them in a bikini

Muchof · 26/12/2023 13:45

I am going to show my age here, but using a bikini photo on Tinder is surely likely to attract certain types who will make certain comments. I don’t think you over reacted though, he sounds creepy and I would have cancelled too.

Kastri · 26/12/2023 13:47

I would change your profile picture to a clothed one as a bikini picture will definitely attract the creeps.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:48

@Aylestone - didn't really come on here for pearl clutching....it's a very non raunchy photo, and I only talk to female friends/family members on WhatsApp anyways , it's just a photo of someone in a bikini, thats all...

OP posts:
IsntItIronicDontchaThink · 26/12/2023 13:48

Muchof · 26/12/2023 13:45

I am going to show my age here, but using a bikini photo on Tinder is surely likely to attract certain types who will make certain comments. I don’t think you over reacted though, he sounds creepy and I would have cancelled too.

Yes you do. It's not her Tinder photo, it's her WhatsApp profile photo with settings that mean she controls who sees it.

Aylestone · 26/12/2023 13:48

Muchof · 26/12/2023 13:45

I am going to show my age here, but using a bikini photo on Tinder is surely likely to attract certain types who will make certain comments. I don’t think you over reacted though, he sounds creepy and I would have cancelled too.

I agree. It’s basically underwear. Fine for the beach or going swimming or something. You wouldn’t invite people round or go for a stroll round the shops wearing one though, so why would you have it as a profile pic for everyone to look at? And it’s not just friends who can view it, it’s literally anyone who’s got your phone number who decides to look you up on WhatsApp.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:49

@Muchof - please read my post, the bikini photo is on WhatsApp, not tinder. And honestly it is very not suggestive, as I said I showed my grandmother (86) the photo and she said 'oh that's lovely' , she would say if it's suggestive lol....

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:50

@Aylestone - privacy settings on WhatsApp actually mean that you can make it visible to only your own contacts.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 26/12/2023 13:50

You are already blaming yourself for how he chooses to interact. You might not be ready for dating. Read “the gift of fear” he doesn’t really think ANYTHING about who you really are. He was just engaging in some testing predatory behavior. The phrase “innocent” is super creepy, as PP have said. Your sexuality or lack of it is not a crime. Your picture is not there to signal your availability for sexual exploitation.

RelapsedChocoholic · 26/12/2023 13:51

He was trying to start sexting, given you’ve never even met it’s pretty gros imo- you’ve no idea if you will find each other attractive in person

I wouldn’t agree to another date, delete his number and move on.

And leave your Whatapp as whatever pic you like, obviously!

TedMullins · 26/12/2023 13:52

Ignore the pearl clutchers, woman wearing a bikini on holiday is hardly on par with going to the shops in a latex corset. He sounds like a sleaze and I’d have cancelled too. He could’ve just said “you look amazing in that photo” and left it at that, but the weird “innocent” comments suggest he’s a basic misogynist who divides women in his mind into Madonna’s and whores. He couldn’t comprehend that the photo wasn’t done with the male gaze in mind. I doubt this bloke is particularly intelligent or nice.

Olika · 26/12/2023 13:53

If you are annoyed by this man then don't waste more of your time. I did online dating for over 3 years before meeting my now DH online and personally I wouldn't be bothered by his comments as it sounds just as attempt of flirting but that doesn't meant it shouldn't bother you. Just go with your gut feeling.

Aylestone · 26/12/2023 13:53

WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:48

@Aylestone - didn't really come on here for pearl clutching....it's a very non raunchy photo, and I only talk to female friends/family members on WhatsApp anyways , it's just a photo of someone in a bikini, thats all...

But why would everyone in your contacts want to see you in a bikini? Of course your nanny is going to say ‘that’s lovely’, she’s hardly going to be thinking anything inappropriate about you. But now you’ve added some strange man off tinder into your contacts, and the first thing he sees is you with most of your clothes off. I’d be surprised if you added any man who is viewing you as a potential partner, and he didn’t make a comment on that sort of picture. And it wasn’t like he commented anything horrendous

theduchessofspork · 26/12/2023 13:54

He sounds weird. I’m not sure if he meant to be sleazy but it’s just odd. You’re right to drop him.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:55

@Aylestone - think I'm going to listen to @TedMullins and ignore the pearl clutching....

You sound very very old fashioned. Why would anyone in my contacts want to see a photo of anything on my WhatsApp if that's the case....

OP posts:
TedMullins · 26/12/2023 13:56

Aylestone · 26/12/2023 13:53

But why would everyone in your contacts want to see you in a bikini? Of course your nanny is going to say ‘that’s lovely’, she’s hardly going to be thinking anything inappropriate about you. But now you’ve added some strange man off tinder into your contacts, and the first thing he sees is you with most of your clothes off. I’d be surprised if you added any man who is viewing you as a potential partner, and he didn’t make a comment on that sort of picture. And it wasn’t like he commented anything horrendous

Edited
Show quote history

If people can’t handle seeing a woman in a bikini that’s very much a them problem.

Evanesy · 26/12/2023 13:56

Good idea to cancel.

Happened a fair few times where the tone suddenly changes as the date approaches. Becomes obvious that they’re after fun rather than potential serious.

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