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Original poster

Did I overreact by cancelling this Xmas date?

120 replies

WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 13:32

Hi all,

Just wanted some advice. I've been out of the dating game for quite some time and really don't know if I am overreacting!

I am 31 years old, first time using dating apps.

I arranged to go on a date with a guy from Tinder on 29th December.

We had been chatting on Tinder for a while and then exchanged numbers. My WhatsApp profile photo can only be seen by my contacts due to privacy settings. When he whatsapped me, I saved his number.

My what's app photo is me on holiday in a bikini but it is not in the slightest a raunchy photo, (I'm sitting down, so no bum hanging out and no visible cleavage etc)

Also, I actually showed my elderly grandmother the photo when showing her my holiday snaps, so it's pretty PG.

Anyway this guy said to me 'well you can't be all innocent with a photo like that, you look amazing btw'

I said it's just a holiday photo etc, and he said 'so you are telling me you are innocent then'

I asked him what he meant and he said he is trying to draw out a response from me etc

I said thanks for saving me the bother and showing me what you are looking for, I don't do casual etc and he said ' I wasn't suggesting casual' and that he is looking to date etc.

So I did agree initially to go on a date on 29th Dec, but what he has said has irritated me a bit. Why even ask am I innocent etc?

I have been thinking about it and Due to that comment I have now cancelled that date, I am genuinely going out with friends now instead and told him I'm going out now.

He has asked for another date though and I'm not sure what to do.

I've been out of the game for a while, never done OLD before. The last person I dated was introduced to me by a friend. I'm just wondering am I being hyper vigilant / too sensitive and looking for problems were there aren't any.

Advice much appreciated on a slightly hungover Boxing Day!

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 14:59

@Peoplemakemedespair - you have given me a really hard time on this thread for wearing one and made snide comments because I dared have it in a photo. Get a grip.

OP posts:
MrBlobbyIsMyMan · 26/12/2023 15:02

I have to share that photos of people in their bikini's on WhatsApp or Facebook feel wrong to me.

Just why would you do that?

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 15:02

Responding to your original question, I think it's not only fine but exemplary behaviour to ditch anyone on OLD who makes you feel any other way than happy, comfortable, safe, respected and free.

So many relationship and dating problems could be avoided if women would just stop giving men a pass for behaviour they don't like. Instead, we worry about his intentions or whether we're misinterpreting things or being too sensitive. It doesn't matter! Did his comment or behaviour make you feel good? If no, then ditch and move on, even if other people think you're crazy.

Maybe another woman would have enjoyed his comment, found it flirty and responded in kind. Fine. You don't have to decide someone is a scumbag just because they say or do something you don't like. But if you don't like it, you get to say no. You should always, always choose yourself and put your own likes and dislikes and feelings first.

GreatGateauxsby · 26/12/2023 15:03

I really don't get how this thread has gone down a rabbit hole about your wearing a perfectly normal bikini in a perfectly normal setting.

In my WhatsApp looking at conversations and profile pics about 80% are holiday snaps, wedding pics or family pics -normally on Holiday in swimwear!

WGACA · 26/12/2023 15:05

I think you’ve done the right thing. I shut down any sexual chat immediately then delete if it continues. Keep the chat confined to the app until after the first meet is my advice.

Obviously we haven’t seen this WhatsApp photo to comment on its appropriateness but I would consider changing it to a more modest one.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 15:05

MrBlobbyIsMyMan · 26/12/2023 15:02

I have to share that photos of people in their bikini's on WhatsApp or Facebook feel wrong to me.

Just why would you do that?

No, you do not have to share that. You have a weird drive to shame people over their bodies, and you should keep it to yourself, because it reflects very badly on you.

MrBlobbyIsMyMan · 26/12/2023 15:06

Why does it reflect badly on me?

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 15:07

MrBlobbyIsMyMan · 26/12/2023 15:06

Why does it reflect badly on me?

It exposes you as someone who likes to shame people about their appearance.

MrBlobbyIsMyMan · 26/12/2023 15:10

I don't say this to anyone, live and let live. I just wonder why.

rwalker · 26/12/2023 15:13

Tinder is a cattle market for sex

irrespective of picture incident I think your expectations of OLD are unrealistic

not impossible but very unlikely to meet a long term partner off there

the majority of my friends that use such apps men and women ( yes women can be as bad ) it’s purely for casual fun

heartbroken40 · 26/12/2023 15:16

@rwalker I met my partner on hinge. We've been together 2 years and I am quite sure we will get married at some point. I know lots of people who've got married from OLD.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 15:16

MrBlobbyIsMyMan · 26/12/2023 15:10

I don't say this to anyone, live and let live. I just wonder why.

You literally said it on this thread.

taylorswift1989 · 26/12/2023 15:17

rwalker · 26/12/2023 15:13

Tinder is a cattle market for sex

irrespective of picture incident I think your expectations of OLD are unrealistic

not impossible but very unlikely to meet a long term partner off there

the majority of my friends that use such apps men and women ( yes women can be as bad ) it’s purely for casual fun

Yeah, that's bollocks. Loads of people meet a long term partner/husband or wife on OLD.

SamW98 · 26/12/2023 15:19

WGACA · 26/12/2023 15:05

I think you’ve done the right thing. I shut down any sexual chat immediately then delete if it continues. Keep the chat confined to the app until after the first meet is my advice.

Obviously we haven’t seen this WhatsApp photo to comment on its appropriateness but I would consider changing it to a more modest one.

I’m the same. I shut down sexual comments and turn chat back to normal conversation. If they continue then its unmatch.

I do move to WhatsApp and like a phone call before meeting but if there’s any sleazy talk before we’ve even met, then it’s block.

Redburnett · 26/12/2023 15:19

He's a man seeing an attractive woman with minimal clothes on, which is a weird choice of photo for a Whatsapp profile.

MrBlobbyIsMyMan · 26/12/2023 15:20

So I am only allowed to comment if it agrees with an OP?

slackademic · 26/12/2023 15:21

"Did I overreact..."
No.
How smart do you have to be to be able to look at the problems of dating from a woman's perspective? He must either be dense as lead, immature and/or inexperienced or plain disingenuous with God-knows-what hidden motives. The use of the word "innocent" is anything but - exactly as you said - WTF is that intended to mean!? I wouldn't write that off as an awkward way of saying something - I'd say it was part of a definite line of enquiry - you did the right thing. He was quick to ghost your feelings/thoughts/suspicions and label them as "overthinking" and you were quick to put blame on yourself calling yourself "prudish" and "uptight" - it's smart to be wary in these situations, smart to question motives in these situations - don't ever apologise for these things or being who you are right now - have a bit more confidence in the way you handle yourself. My gut instinct (as a guy) is that he's a bit of a jerk so you've lost nothing and - even if he is a decent guy - he needs to get his act together and not make the same mistakes next time by coming across a jerk.

IsntItIronicDontchaThink · 26/12/2023 15:23

rwalker · 26/12/2023 15:13

Tinder is a cattle market for sex

irrespective of picture incident I think your expectations of OLD are unrealistic

not impossible but very unlikely to meet a long term partner off there

the majority of my friends that use such apps men and women ( yes women can be as bad ) it’s purely for casual fun

What a load of total judgeypants bollocks.
Tinder is one of the most popular dating apps so by definition more users, full stop. Every dating app has more men than women, and of those, way more than its fair share of men who are overly sexual in their advances. Yes, some people use dating apps for hookups although there are other relevant places to facilitate that too).
And despite all of that let's not forget that the conversation on tinder must have given the OP no cause for concern.
OP knows how to handle herself and her boundaries, this thread is evidence of that.

There are thousands of good news stories about people who have met their long term partner on Tinder.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 15:24

'Innocent' is a red flag, like he's looking for a school girl to corrupt or to live out that fantasy. Someone wanting a serious relationship won't be that sexual that quickly. Just move on I think! And use bumble or hinge instead of tinder

Peoplemakemedespair · 26/12/2023 15:25

MrBlobbyIsMyMan · 26/12/2023 15:02

I have to share that photos of people in their bikini's on WhatsApp or Facebook feel wrong to me.

Just why would you do that?

lol at the op 🙄
Op- my date saw my half naked profile pic and made a flirty comment
Mn- because using bikini pics makes it look like you’d be open to those sorts of comments
Op- Nooo iittt doesssnntt!!

That’s literally exactly what just happened though

ZenNudist · 26/12/2023 15:44

I am not a pearl clutcher but if someone uses a swimwear pic as a profile pic on whatsapp I pretty much assume they are showing off how hot they are. It's kind of lacking in any subtlety.

That said you seem to have your head screwed on about this bloke. I think he was making a clumsy attempt at flirtatious banter and managed to sound creepy. Good for you having standards.

MissAtomicBomb1 · 26/12/2023 15:53

WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 14:40

@MissAtomicBomb1 - why would I need to be professional towards family and friends?

We say all sorts to each other, they are my family and friends.

You seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about a woman in a bikini....odd

Odd?! Read the fucking room!!🤷🏼‍♀️😂

For what it's worth, I love a bikini as much as the next person, hell I've even been known to go topless. Would I use these pics when messaging colleagues, regardless of their sex on social media (which is what WhatsApp is) Then come on Mumsnet whining about attracting pervs? No!
Anyway I'm bowing out now but good luck in attracting a non creepy guy.

AutumnBride · 26/12/2023 16:04

Haven't read the whole thread

You're overthinking it, your gut says cancel, so cancel and don't rearrange, next steps

(1) block immediately
(2) think no more about it

Don't worry about what he thinks or whether he's upset or not, predatory men rely on you wanting to be polite to keep you on the hook.

OLD is cutthroat, you have to be tough.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 26/12/2023 16:17

@MissAtomicBomb1 - so you walk around the beach with boobs out in front of men but you are basically slut shaming me (which is what you are doing) for a photo of me in a bikini!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2023 16:23

Tbh anyone asking a 31 year old woman of she's innocent would give me the ick. You may be a virgin, or very inexperienced but the asking in that way just sounds like it'splaying into some fantasy he has.

If you genuinely had a good connection other than this, it's possible he's just awkward but if opt for a day date for coffee etc at most

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